Phineas Redux

by Anthony Trollope

  CHAPTER XXIX.

  THE SPOONER CORRESPONDENCE.

  It will be remembered that Adelaide Palliser had accepted the hand ofMr. Maule, junior, and that she and Lady Chiltern between them haddespatched him up to London on an embassy to his father, in which hefailed very signally. It had been originally Lady Chiltern's ideathat the proper home for the young couple would be the ancestralhall, which must be theirs some day, and in which, with exceedingprudence, they might be able to live as Maules of Maule Abbey uponthe very limited income which would belong to them. How slight werethe grounds for imputing such stern prudence to Gerard Maule boththe ladies felt;--but it had become essential to do something; theyoung people were engaged to each other, and a manner of life must besuggested, discussed, and as far as possible arranged. Lady Chilternwas useful at such work, having a practical turn of mind, andunderstanding well the condition of life for which it was necessarythat her friend should prepare herself. The lover was not vicious,he neither drank nor gambled, nor ran himself hopelessly in debt.He was good-humoured and tractable, and docile enough when nothingdisagreeable was asked from him. He would have, he said, no objectionto live at Maule Abbey if Adelaide liked it. He didn't believe muchin farming, but would consent at Adelaide's request to be the ownerof bullocks. He was quite ready to give up hunting, having alreadytaught himself to think that the very few good runs in a seasonwere hardly worth the trouble of getting up before daylight all thewinter. He went forth, therefore, on his embassy, and we know how hefailed. Another lover would have communicated the disastrous tidingsat once to the lady; but Gerard Maule waited a week before he did so,and then told his story in half-a-dozen words. "The governor cut uprough about Maule Abbey, and will not hear of it. He generally doescut up rough."

  "But he must be made to hear of it," said Lady Chiltern. Two daysafterwards the news reached Harrington of the death of the Duke ofOmnium. A letter of an official nature reached Adelaide from Mr.Fothergill, in which the writer explained that he had been desired byMr. Palliser to communicate to her and the relatives the sad tidings."So the poor old man has gone at last," said Lady Chiltern, with thataffectation of funereal gravity which is common to all of us.

  "Poor old Duke!" said Adelaide. "I have been hearing of him as a sortof bugbear all my life. I don't think I ever saw him but once, andthen he gave me a kiss and a pair of earrings. He never paid anyattention to us at all, but we were taught to think that Providencehad been very good to us in making the Duke our uncle."

  "He was very rich?"

  "Horribly rich, I have always heard."

  "Won't he leave you something? It would be very nice now that you areengaged to find that he has given you five thousand pounds."

  "Very nice indeed;--but there is not a chance of it. It has alwaysbeen known that everything is to go to the heir. Papa had his fortuneand spent it. He and his brother were never friends, and though theDuke did once give me a kiss I imagine that he forgot my existenceimmediately afterwards."

  "So the Duke of Omnium is dead," said Lord Chiltern when he came homethat evening.

  "Adelaide has had a letter to tell her so this afternoon."

  "Mr. Fothergill wrote to me," said Adelaide;--"the man who is sowicked about the foxes."

  "I don't care a straw about Mr. Fothergill; and now my mouth isclosed against your uncle. But it's quite frightful to think that aDuke of Omnium must die like anybody else."

  "The Duke is dead;--long live the Duke," said Lady Chiltern. "Iwonder how Mr. Palliser will like it."

  "Men always do like it, I suppose," said Adelaide.

  "Women do," said Lord Chiltern. "Lady Glencora will be delighted toreign,--though I can hardly fancy her by any other name. By the bye,Adelaide, I have got a letter for you."

  "A letter for me, Lord Chiltern!"

  "Well,--yes; I suppose I had better give it you. It is not addressedto you, but you must answer it."

  "What on earth is it?"

  "I think I can guess," said Lady Chiltern, laughing. She had guessedrightly, but Adelaide Palliser was still altogether in the dark whenLord Chiltern took a letter from his pocket and handed it to her. Ashe did so he left the room, and his wife followed him. "I shall beupstairs, Adelaide, if you want advice," said Lady Chiltern.

  The letter was from Mr. Spooner. He had left Harrington Hall afterthe uncourteous reception which had been accorded to him by MissPalliser in deep disgust, resolving that he would never again speakto her, and almost resolving that Spoon Hall should never have amistress in his time. But with his wine after dinner his couragecame back to him, and he began to reflect once more that it is notthe habit of young ladies to accept their lovers at the first offer.There was living with Mr. Spooner at this time a very attachedfriend, whom he usually consulted in all emergencies, and to whomon this occasion he opened his heart. Mr. Edward Spooner, commonlycalled Ned by all who knew him, and not unfrequently so addressedby those who did not, was a distant cousin of the Squire's, whounfortunately had no particular income of his own. For the last tenyears he had lived at Spoon Hall, and had certainly earned his bread.The Squire had achieved a certain credit for success as a countrygentleman. Nothing about his place was out of order. His own farming,which was extensive, succeeded. His bullocks and sheep won prizes.His horses were always useful and healthy. His tenants were solvent,if not satisfied, and he himself did not owe a shilling. Now manypeople in the neighbourhood attributed all this to the judiciouscare of Mr. Edward Spooner, whose eye was never off the place, andwhose discretion was equal to his zeal. In giving the Squire his due,one must acknowledge that he recognised the merits of his cousin,and trusted him in everything. That night, as soon as the customarybottle of claret had succeeded the absolutely normal bottle of portafter dinner, Mr. Spooner of Spoon Hall opened his heart to hiscousin.

  "I shall have to walk, then," said Ned.

  "Not if I know it," said the Squire. "You don't suppose I'm going tolet any woman have the command of Spoon Hall?"

  "They do command,--inside, you know."

  "No woman shall ever turn you out of this house, Ned."

  "I'm not thinking of myself, Tom," said the cousin. "Of course you'llmarry some day, and of course I must take my chance. I don't see whyit shouldn't be Miss Palliser as well as another."

  "The jade almost made me angry."

  "I suppose that's the way with most of 'em. 'Ludit exultim metuitquetangi'." For Ned Spooner had himself preserved some few tatteredshreds of learning from his school days. "You don't remember aboutthe filly?"

  "Yes I do; very well," said the Squire.

  "'Nuptiarum expers.' That's what it is, I suppose. Try it again."The advice on the part of the cousin was genuine and unselfish. ThatMr. Spooner of Spoon Hall should be rejected by a young lady withoutany fortune seemed to him to be impossible. At any rate it is theduty of a man in such circumstances to persevere. As far as Ned knewthe world, ladies always required to be asked a second or a thirdtime. And then no harm can come from such perseverance. "She can'tbreak your bones, Tom."

  There was much honesty displayed on this occasion. The Squire, whenhe was thus instigated to persevere, did his best to describe themanner in which he had been rejected. His powers of description werenot very great, but he did not conceal anything wilfully. "She was ashard as nails, you know."

  "I don't know that that means much. Horace's filly kicked a few, nodoubt."

  "She told me that if I'd go one way, she'd go the other!"

  "They always say about the hardest things that come to their tongues.They don't curse and swear as we do, or there'd be no bearing them.If you really like her--"

  "She's such a well-built creature! There's a look of blood about herI don't see in any of 'em. That sort of breeding is what one wants toget through the mud with."

  Then it was that the cousin recommended a letter to Lord Chiltern.Lord Chiltern was at the present moment to be regarded as the lady'sguardian, and was the lover's intimate friend. A direct proposalhad already been made to the y
oung lady, and this should now berepeated to the gentleman who for the time stood in the position ofher father. The Squire for a while hesitated, declaring that he wasaverse to make his secret known to Lord Chiltern. "One doesn't wantevery fellow in the country to know it," he said. But in answer tothis the cousin was very explicit. There could be but little doubtthat Lord Chiltern knew the secret already; and he would certainlybe rather induced to keep it as a secret than to divulge it if itwere communicated to him officially. And what other step could theSquire take? It would not be likely that he should be asked again toHarrington Hall with the express view of repeating his offer. Thecousin was quite of opinion that a written proposition should bemade; and on that very night the cousin himself wrote out a letterfor the Squire to copy in the morning. On the morning the Squirecopied the letter,--not without additions of his own, as to which hehad very many words with his discreet cousin,--and in a formal mannerhanded it to Lord Chiltern towards the afternoon of that day, havingdevoted his whole morning to the finding of a proper opportunityfor doing so. Lord Chiltern had read the letter, and had, as we see,delivered it to Adelaide Palliser. "That's another proposal from Mr.Spooner," Lady Chiltern said, as soon as they were alone.

  "Exactly that."

  "I knew he'd go on with it. Men are such fools."

  "I don't see that he's a fool at all;" said Lord Chiltern, almost inanger. "Why shouldn't he ask a girl to be his wife? He's a rich man,and she hasn't got a farthing."

  "You might say the same of a butcher, Oswald."

  "Mr. Spooner is a gentleman."

  "You do not mean to say that he's fit to marry such a girl asAdelaide Palliser?"

  "I don't know what makes fitness. He's got a red nose, and if shedon't like a red nose,--that's unfitness. Gerard Maule's nose isn'tred, and I dare say therefore he's fitter. Only, unfortunately, hehas no money."

  "Adelaide Palliser would no more think of marrying Mr. Spooner thanyou would have thought of marrying the cook."

  "If I had liked the cook I should have asked her, and I don't see whyMr. Spooner shouldn't ask Miss Palliser. She needn't take him."

  In the meantime Miss Palliser was reading the following letter:--

  Spoon Hall, 11th March, 18--.

  MY DEAR LORD CHILTERN,--

  I venture to suppose that at present you are acting as the guardian of Miss Palliser, who has been staying at your house all the winter. If I am wrong in this I hope you will pardon me, and consent to act in that capacity for this occasion. I entertain feelings of the greatest admiration and warmest affection for the young lady I have named, which I ventured to express when I had the pleasure of staying at Harrington Hall in the early part of last month. I cannot boast that I was received on that occasion with much favour; but I know that I am not very good at talking, and we are told in all the books that no man has a right to expect to be taken at the first time of asking. Perhaps Miss Palliser will allow me, through you, to request her to consider my proposal with more deliberation than was allowed to me before, when I spoke to her perhaps with injudicious hurry.

  So far the Squire adopted his cousin's words without alteration.

  I am the owner of my own property,--which is more than everybody can say. My income is nearly L4,000 a year. I shall be willing to make any proper settlement that may be recommended by the lawyers,--though I am strongly of opinion that an estate shouldn't be crippled for the sake of the widow. As to refurnishing the old house, and all that, I'll do anything that Miss Palliser may please. She knows my taste about hunting, and I know hers, so that there need not be any difference of opinion on that score.

  Miss Palliser can't suspect me of any interested motives. I come forward because I think she is the most charming girl I ever saw, and because I love her with all my heart. I haven't got very much to say for myself, but if she'll consent to be the mistress of Spoon Hall, she shall have all that the heart of a woman can desire.

  Pray believe me, My dear Lord Chiltern, Yours very sincerely,

  THOMAS PLATTER SPOONER.

  As I believe that Miss Palliser is fond of books, it may be well to tell her that there is an uncommon good library at Spoon Hall. I shall have no objection to go abroad for the honeymoon for three or four months in the summer.

  The postscript was the Squire's own, and was inserted in oppositionto the cousin's judgment. "She won't come for the sake of the books,"said the cousin. But the Squire thought that the attractions shouldbe piled up. "I wouldn't talk of the honeymoon till I'd got her tocome round a little," said the cousin. The Squire thought that thecousin was falsely delicate, and pleaded that all girls like to betaken abroad when they're married. The second half of the body of theletter was very much disfigured by the Squire's petulance; so thatthe modesty with which he commenced was almost put to the blush bya touch of arrogance in the conclusion. That sentence in which theSquire declared that an estate ought not to be crippled for the sakeof the widow was very much questioned by the cousin. "Such a word as'widow' never ought to go into such a letter as this." But the Squireprotested that he would not be mealy-mouthed. "She can bear to thinkof it, I'll go bail; and why shouldn't she hear about what she canthink about?" "Don't talk about furniture yet, Tom," the cousin said;but the Squire was obstinate, and the cousin became hopeless. Thatword about loving her with all his heart was the cousin's own, butwhat followed, as to her being mistress of Spoon Hall, was altogetheropposed to his judgment. "She'll be proud enough of Spoon Hall ifshe comes here," said the Squire. "I'd let her come first," said thecousin.

  We all know that the phraseology of the letter was of no importancewhatever. When it was received the lady was engaged to anotherman; and she regarded Mr. Spooner of Spoon Hall as being guilty ofunpardonable impudence in approaching her at all.

  "A red-faced vulgar old man, who looks as if he did nothing butdrink," she said to Lady Chiltern.

  "He does you no harm, my dear."

  "But he does do harm. He makes things very uncomfortable. He has nobusiness to think it possible. People will suppose that I gave himencouragement."

  "I used to have lovers coming to me year after year,--the samepeople,--whom I don't think I ever encouraged; but I never felt angrywith them."

  "But you didn't have Mr. Spooner."

  "Mr. Spooner didn't know me in those days, or there is no saying whatmight have happened." Then Lady Chiltern argued the matter on viewsdirectly opposite to those which she had put forward when discussingthe matter with her husband. "I always think that any man who isprivileged to sit down to table with you is privileged to ask.There are disparities of course which may make the privilegequestionable,--disparities of age, rank, and means."

  "And of tastes," said Adelaide.

  "I don't know about that.--A poet doesn't want to marry a poetess,nor a philosopher a philosopheress. A man may make himself a foolby putting himself in the way of certain refusal; but I take itthe broad rule is that a man may fall in love with any lady whohabitually sits in his company."

  "I don't agree with you at all. What would be said if the curate atLong Royston were to propose to one of the FitzHoward girls?"

  "The Duchess would probably ask the Duke to make the young man abishop out of hand, and the Duke would have to spend a morning inexplaining to her the changes which have come over the making ofbishops since she was young. There is no other rule that you canlay down, and I think that girls should understand that they haveto fight their battles subject to that law. It's very easy to say,'No.'"

  "But a man won't take 'No.'"

  "And it's lucky for us sometimes that they don't," said LadyChiltern, remembering certain passages in her early life.

  The answer was written that night by Lord Chiltern after muchconsultation. As to the nature of the answer,--that it should be apositive refusal,--of course there could be no doubt; but then arosea question whether a reason should be given, or whether the refusalshould be simply a refusal
. At last it was decided that a reasonshould be given, and the letter ran as follows:--

  MY DEAR MR. SPOONER,

  I am commissioned to inform you that Miss Palliser is engaged to be married to Mr. Gerard Maule.

  Yours faithfully,

  CHILTERN.

  The young lady had consented to be thus explicit because it had beenalready determined that no secret should be kept as to her futureprospects.

  "He is one of those poverty-stricken wheedling fellows that one meetsabout the world every day," said the Squire to his cousin--"a fellowthat rides horses that he can't pay for, and owes some poor devil ofa tailor for the breeches that he sits in. They eat, and drink, andget along heaven only knows how. But they're sure to come to smash atlast. Girls are such fools nowadays."

  "I don't think there has ever been much difference in that," said thecousin.

  "Because a man greases his whiskers, and colours his hair, and paintshis eyebrows, and wears kid gloves, by George, they'll go throughfire and water after him. He'll never marry her."

  "So much the better for her."

  "But I hate such d---- impudence. What right has a man to comeforward in that way who hasn't got a house over his head, or themeans of getting one? Old Maule is so hard up that he can barelyget a dinner at his club in London. What I wonder at is that LadyChiltern shouldn't know better."