Tamsin

by D J Cook

  “It's going to be good to have Callum back, too. I only saw him one day last week the little skiver. Working from home my arse.” Roberta laughed, finally letting me go.

  “What do you mean? He’s been back since Monday last week. He only had Friday off for my graduation,” I said, struggling to think back to last week. My memory hadn't been great. I could barely remember what I had eaten or if I even had.

  “Oh, I saw him on Monday, and I'm sure we had an email about staffing. Maybe I'm mistaken. How was graduation? Congratulations!”

  “Aw, thank you. Graduation was good, too. Good to get out the house and make myself look nice,” I said, trying to not look confused.

  He was only off for graduation. I remember he said that to his parents.

  “Feeling good will definitely help. You know where I am, yes? Anyway, I will let you get settled back in. Byeeeee.” I did love her, especially to gossip with. She knew everything. I stood, playing back what she’d said.

  I only saw him one day last week.

  He worked from home.

  I couldn’t stop. If he was working from home, why wasn’t he at home?

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  The cubical door slammed behind me, my hands shaking as I tried to lock myself in. My eyes filled with tears while my throat felt like I had swallowed a large pill that wouldn’t go down. I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to be at home, under a blanket to hide from the world. I wanted to be asleep so I could stop thinking for just one second. I needed to be someplace else, any place, or somewhere I had conjured up in my dreams. I continued to sob, trying to hold back my loud cries every time I heard the toilet door slam. I continued to trace back through the past week, struggling to make a timeline of events in the jumbled mess of thoughts that was my mind. I had been alone with Callum's parents while he was at work, and I remembered him coming in every day, around late afternoon.

  Had he been lying, or was Roberta mistaken?

  Roberta knew everyone's business. She couldn’t be wrong. Being back at Farden today was hard enough without worrying about something else–about my relationship with Callum. I needed to know the truth, and the only way I'd know for sure was the email Roberta had mentioned.

  I rushed to log on to my computer, and tried desperately to remember my password after weeks of not being at work. My memory really was failing me. The time on the desktop mocked me. It had only been minutes since everyone had greeted me in my office, yet it felt like I had been at Farden for hours. Eventually I got into the computer, and sifted through countless emails that had been left unread. I knew only last week’s emails mattered to find out the truth. I opened each email, reading them word-by-word, occasionally losing focus.

  “Where are you?” I said in frustration as more tears fell down my face.

  I had to admit defeat. I couldn’t find it. Roberta must have been mistaken. Callum wasn’t lying. My memory had clearly served me wrong. I’d gone crazy, turning the smallest inconsistency into a huge deal. I hadn't told Callum what was going on. I wanted to gather the facts before I did, but truthfully, there were no facts to gather. I wanted to leave Farden, but I knew running away from my problems would only make it worse. My irrational thoughts were taking over; I had to distract myself. Coffee. It was imperative I had coffee and calmed down.

  I removed the black circles surrounding my eyes and replaced the makeup that I’d wiped away, then stood waiting to be served at the hotel café.

  A queue. Great.

  The café was never normally this busy. The hotel’s profile was rising with all our hard work. Even the foyer was bustling, a real difference from the deserted space it had once been. I wanted to take credit for its success, but how could I? I hadn’t been there for over a month.

  “Latte, please.” The woman in front of me said to the barista. A pathetic excuse for a coffee if you were to ask me, although I was jealous that she was getting her coffee fix before me.

  “Thank you,” the weak coffee girl said, grabbing her drink as she continued.

  “Does Callum work here?” she said as I eavesdropped. The barista looked at her blankly as his hands continued to tap the till in front of him, like it was embedded into his memory.

  “Callum Dunn?” she pressed.

  “I’m sorry, I don’t know. Reception may know of him, though,” the barista said as he prepared to serve me, looking around the weak coffee girl.

  That’s my Callum.

  How does she know him?

  “You know Callum?” I couldn’t help myself as my mouth took over. I jumped at the chance to speak to her as she started to walk past me. The barista kept on looking at me, but he was sorely mistaken if he thought I was going to speak to him before I found out more about the pathetic coffee bitch stood in front of me.

  “Oh, yes. He's an old friend. How do you know him?” she asked.

  “What's your name?” I questioned, completely ignoring her last remark.

  “Louise, what's yours?”

  “Tamsin.”

  We looked at each other, shocked. Gobsmacked. She had heard of me; there was no denying that. I didn’t know what to do or say. The barista continued to get more and more impatient, summoning the person waiting behind me to order first. I preferred her as weak coffee girl, not Louise, Callum’s ex. Her blonde hair was straightened to perfection, not a strand of hair out of place. She was pretty, which made me hate her more.

  “Shall we grab a table and talk?” she suggested reasonably.

  “Yeah, just let me grab my coffee.”

  I sat nervously, opposite a woman who had once been the love of Callum's life. He’d searched for years for her, and yet somehow she was here, right in front of me at our place of work. I didn’t know what to think, struggling as questions continued to run through my mind. I tried not to let my mouth run away with itself, but I was confused to say the least. Louise and I looked very different, polar opposites in fact. Her blonde straightened hair looked like something out of a magazine; I could never get my hair that straight. She was tall, about four inches taller than me. I tried not to feel intimated by her.

  “So, why are you here?” I asked, genuinely needing to understand what she was doing on this side of the planet.

  “I wanted to see if Callum was telling me the truth. He told me he works here,” she said confidently.

  “You’ve been speaking?”

  “We've been messaging, and I met with him last week at a coffee shop in a place called Crewe.”

  She's met my boyfriend. In my hometown.

  My head dropped as emotion weighed it down. I wanted to punch her, and nothing else. Was she the one in the wrong? Partly, but so was Callum.

  He had betrayed me.

  It all made sense. That’s why he was always on his phone. He was talking to Louise. Roberta wasn’t wrong all along. He wasn’t at work like he had told me. Little pieces of information started to fit together like jigsaw pieces in my mind. I wasn’t crazy.

  “So, if you met him last week, why are you here now?” I said, finally gathering my thoughts.

  “It's as I said. I wanted to see if he was telling me the truth about working here. He said he needed time to think, and I haven't heard from him since Friday morning. I thought he had lied to me again.”

  I had no idea what he needed to think about. Why did he need time to think?

  Did he still love her?

  I hoped not. I tried to answer each doubt in my mind one by one as a way to calm down. He hadn't seen her for years. He told me he loved me all the time. That must mean something. The way we kissed had to mean something, too. We had a physical connection, a spark that I never wanted to go out.

  Did he want to be with me?

  Surely Louise showing up couldn't change what we had. I thought back to the time I’d read his journal. I couldn’t remember the exact wording as my memory failed me for real this time. He’d mentioned something about loving someone else. Had I been blinded by love? It seemed so. The warning
signs had been there right in front of me; I’d just refused to see them.

  “Lied to you again? I don’t understand.” I was even more confused than I had been at the beginning.

  “He said he would meet me on Saturday evening, but he didn’t. Said something about being hungover, and then told me he would meet me next weekend. I can’t wait that long for another excuse.” Sass rolled off her tongue as she placed her hands on the table. A glistening light caught my eye, reflecting from the diamond ring on her finger. She still had the ring. He’d proposed and she’d never taken it off. I hated her for so many reasons, especially for ruining a part of my life I’d never imagined crumbling to the ground. What I hated more was being lied to. Callum had been talking to Louise under my nose, the day after my graduation. He was heartless.

  Callum walked into the foyer, facing me. He saw me and smiled, but his grin soon faded. I had been rubbing my eyes to stop myself from crying, leaving red puffy skin surrounding them. I didn’t want to seem weak in front of Louise, but controlling my emotions wasn’t going well. He continued to walk towards me, about to open his mouth until he noticed the blonde hair of the girl sat across from me. He knew that I knew. He stopped dead in his tracks. I would have thrown hot coffee over Louise to know what was going on in Callum's head. I’d have thrown it on her for free. I smiled weakly as I thought about the coffee ruining her pristine hair and makeup. Louise turned to Callum and flashed a smile.

  “Why are you here?” he asked her, looking as if someone had just robbed him of his livelihood. I couldn't tell if he was unhappy to see her, or unhappy he’d been caught out.

  “I came to surprise you, sweet,” she addressed him in a way that disgusted me to my very core.

  How dare she talk to him like that?

  I was sat right across from her.

  “T, it's not how it looks. I promise you.”

  How could I believe him? He had lied through his teeth. I was distraught. I tried very hard to hide my feelings, but I couldn’t. I knew they were written all over my face. Callum had hurt me, and he knew it.

  Did he really think he was going to get away with it?

  My blood boiled as I desperately held onto my emotions.

  “How is it not how it looks?” I asked rhetorically. “It's perfectly clear to me. If you had nothing to hide you would have told me. I don't know you anymore.” My voice rose, depleting the very little energy I had left.

  Ian walked out of the office behind reception after hearing me shout.

  “What's going on?” He questioned, looking between the three of us.

  “Callum has been cheating on me. That’s what's going on.” Tears streamed down my face in anger, as my voice continued to rise.

  “I was going to tell you I had met with Louise. I just needed time to process things. Please, let’s go somewhere and talk?” Louise sat looking smug, sipping her latte and watching with her eagle eyes.

  “That’s a good idea. Let’s all calm down and go talk in my office,” Ian said calmly, oozing a sense of authority. It was the first time I had heard him sound stern. People were looking at us. They were looking at me. But I didn’t care.

  “You wanted time to process things? Let me give you all the fucking time you need. We're through,” I screamed, enunciating the swear word to make it clear I was livid. I continued in a rage, and knocked the coffee to the floor as I grabbed my bag in frustration. I stormed out of Farden onto the streets of Birmingham, looking like death. I couldn’t look back. The streets were blurred from the tears puddling under my eyes and condensation that built up on my glasses. I must have walked for a mile or so before I found a bench to rest on, with no one daring to ask if I was okay. The things Callum and Louise had said played over and over in my mind, tormenting me and twisting the past as though it hadn't just happened.

  I needed time away from you.

  We've been messaging behind your back.

  I love her, T.

  You’re nothing compared to her.

  All I could do was listen. There was no hope for me. That positive person I had always tried to be was no more, sucked from existence. I had lost everyone. There was nothing more life could throw at me to knock me down. I had nothing left. I missed Mum. I needed her now more than ever. I missed Liam. He’d know what to do. Callum had kicked me while I was down, so low that I was in the pits of hell.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  I knocked desperately at Liam's door, frozen and soaking wet after the walk from the train station. The rain was heavy, lashing on my bare arms and drenching my hair. I didn’t care that it was raining, not like I normally would have. I didn’t even care that I looked like a wet rat that had been dragged from one end of a sewer to another, barely holding on to its life and fighting for its next breath. I couldn’t warn Liam I was coming. I knew I had to see him in person. I knew I had to grovel. In the midst of everything that had happened, along with the exhaustion that had taken over my body, I could barely remember what our fight had been about. The door opened, followed by a downpour of tears and thunderous cries. Liam stood at his door, shortly met by his little sister Jade being her usual nosy self.

  “We're over. Done. Me and Callum,” I said, blubbering as the rain continued to pour down on me.

  “Go inside to Mum,” he told Jade, shooing her back into the house. “Come here.” He stretched out his arms to hold me, as if our fight didn’t matter anymore. No dead air, just complete love for each other.

  “I’m so sorry, Liam. I'm sorry this had to happen for me to apologise. I’m sorry I’ve been a shit friend.”

  “Shhhh, it's okay. I'm sorry, too.”

  There was a long, comfortable silence and I felt the warmest touch I’d felt in a while. The most comfort I had felt in a long time.

  “Can I stay with you? Until I can get back on my feet?”

  “Of course you can. Now, let’s go inside and get you clean and dry. I can't be seen with you looking like this,” he said with his hand resting on my face, trying to make me laugh. I tried to laugh. I did.

  “Does this mean you aren't moving a hundred miles away anymore?”

  “I’ll only be moving if you’re coming with me.” I smiled and held him close again. Liam was the only stable relationship in my life. He was all I had. I wasn’t going to be a fool and let that go for a second time.

  I slumped onto his bed with a sigh. Liam's room was spacious and had a high ceiling. There were still marks up there from when we’d flicked slime onto the ceiling as children. Three mannequins stood tall in one corner of the room, all with unfinished garments hanging on them.

  “So, what's happened?” he asked. I knew it wouldn’t take long until the questions started. I had to tell him, even though I didn’t want to talk about it. I knew getting it off my chest would be good for me. I gave good advice. Most of the time my brain was right, but half of the time my heart didn’t want to listen.

  “I’m so exhausted. Can we talk about it another time? I will tell you, I promise,” I said, almost pleading.

  “Don't worry, it’s fine. Why don’t you get some sleep? After all, this is now half your bed,” Liam said, wrapping his arms around me once more.

  “Just half my bed? You know I hog the bed and duvet,” I joked with him, trying to forget all that life had thrown my way in such a short space of time.

  “Oh yeah. Is it too late to change my mind?” We both laughed. I realised while I lay in bed, cocooned by the duvet, that I was no optimist. I'd been through a mess, and as much as I’d been trying to look on the bright side, somehow I'd always ended up looking at the negative. Not when I was with Liam, though. He was the optimist. His infectious personality would take over me uncontrollably, and made everything right again. I was lucky to have him. Liam shut his bedroom door and I drifted off to sleep, quicker than I had in a long time.

  I woke to the door opening and the smell of food rushing into the room. The scent of bacon clung to my nose and my stomach grumbled.

  “So
meone's hungry,” Liam's mum said, smiling.

  “I think I may be.” I smiled back. With everything that had been going on, I had forgotten about food. I'd completely lost track of time. Diane woke me up just in time for tea and instructed me to go downstairs to fill my plate. My senses had been correct—bacon with new potatoes and peas. The potatoes were covered in butter, of course. My mouth watered in anticipation and my taste buds leapt in joy.

  “This all looks so amazing. Can I contribute?” I asked Diane while everyone else was sat at the table, already digging in. Jade sat playing with her peas, eyeing up Liam's bacon. He always saved the best until last.

  “Nonsense. You aren't giving me a penny and that’s final,” Diane said sternly. I wasn't going to argue. She was a proper mother figure, about five years older than my mum. She was a hugger, too. Every time I saw her I would find myself nestled between her huge breasts. She tried to hide them, but they weren't the easiest to conceal.

  “Only if you’re sure. Thanks, Di.” She’d always let me call her Di, for as long as I could remember.

  “Of course I’m sure. The amount of times your mum took care of Liam while I was at my lowest. I couldn’t be more grateful. This is pay back.” Diane's motherly instincts kicked in as she took me under her wing. The reason my mum and Liam had been so close was because of how much time we’d spent together when we were young. He was like a brother to me. Stuart put his arm around Diane and smiled. He was quite a stocky guy, taller than Diane, although she was quite small anyway. Liam had got his height from his birth father. Diane had struggled for a long time with her mental health, and it was all down to Liam’s Dad. Aggressive. Possessive. A drunk. It started when Liam had told them he was gay. At first it had been fine, but his dad started drinking more and more. When he was drunk, he was a knob. Liam blamed himself for the breakdown of their marriage, even though I’d told him countless times it wasn’t his fault. Things happened for a reason, and that’s what I had to start telling myself, too.