Art Sex Music

by Cosey Fanni Tutti

  We all arrived in London and met up for a talk at the Hoxton hotel on the gigs and releasing TG back-catalogue vinyl re-releases and the Nico Desertshore album on Industrial Records through Cargo. Gen kept closing his eyes throughout the meeting and we couldn’t tell whether he was bored or genuinely tired, as he was lucid at pertinent points in the conversation. I ordered him some food to perk him up.

  After the meeting came to an end we all retired for the night, ready for a rehearsal the next day, the day before the TG Village Underground gig. We’d booked a rehearsal space in Hackney from 10.30 a.m. till 6 p.m. The place was damp, cold and noisy, with heavy-metal bands in the adjoining rooms thrashing away at full volume. It felt alien to our usual preparation space but needs must, as they say. It was a strange day. We three arrived on time with Charlie, and got word that Gen wanted some extra sleep and wouldn’t be joining us until 2 p.m. Sleazy rolled his eyes, put his head down and then started setting up and testing his new gear. We had a table each, ours laden with our additional sound gadgets. We jammed together, demonstrating what our new noise-making equipment could do and generally slamming out sounds to make mental notes of what seemed to fit together – or not. Charlie had set up a table and microphone for Gen so he could join in as soon as he arrived. We were anxious that he got a feel for the freer approach and new sounds. But he didn’t turn up until around 3.30, moaning about his hotel and ranting about Paul.

  Sleazy totally ignored him, looked over at me and flicked his head as if to tell me to take Gen outside to sort it out. I did. I called Paul, who was busy with last-minute gig business and had already managed to book Gen five days in the four-star Crowne Plaza Hotel in St James (an extra TG cost) – while Sleazy was staying on a friend’s floor to help keep the TG budget on target. The rehearsal time was fast running out and we were pissed off that Gen had yet again fucked up the opportunity to be ‘with’ us. We had a gig to get ready for but he never mentioned that or the music we were supposed to be making together. Sleazy closed off completely.

  By the time we left the rehearsal space, both Sleazy and Gen’s moods had become ominously sombre. We all walked out into the street. We’d gone from the isolated bubble of the rehearsal room into the hubbub of London at its busiest time, and yet me and Chris felt strangely removed from the chaotic scene as we stood there watching Sleazy and Gen walk away from us in different directions towards the Tube, Gen limping badly and Sleazy with his slow, heavy stride. Neither of them looked at each other or back at us, even when we called out to them to go and have a meal together. They were each in their own world, disappearing into the distance. Me and Chris looked at one another. We knew that TG was over.

  That night me and Sleazy got numerous emails from Gen, complaining about Paul and saying that he may have to cut his losses and find a way home. Sleazy was furious with Gen about possibly leaving and explained that we three would incur substantial financial losses if he left. He told Gen that his version of events regarding Paul was a fantasy: ‘Please do not rewrite history or the circumstances so you feel justified in blaming Paul for everything, as this is not how it happened … stop thinking you are victimised in some way …’

  When we all arrived at the Village Underground to set up and soundcheck, Gen’s mood had changed. He was in the private area at the side of the stage drinking wine and seemed a little merrier – he was even lovey-dovey with Paul, leaning on his shoulder and laughing.

  The gig was a transitional point for TG and started out like an experimental sound workshop with us all sat at our workbenches, none of us knowing, or feeling the need to know, who was creating which sounds, just working our way through them. There was an off-the-wall moment that took even Gen by surprise, when a naked guy jumped on the stage drugged up to his eyeballs. He proceeded to do a stage dive and threw himself into the audience, expecting to be caught by them, but they parted and he hit the concrete floor with a loud splat. Gen was drinking more wine and bowing his violin, sometimes staring into the audience giving the impression he was uninterested in what we were doing. I certainly got the feeling he didn’t like it and found it uninspiring, especially when the audience applauded and he said to us three, with cynical bemusement, ‘They actually like all this shit.’

  Yes, the new material had gone down well, the audience were ecstatic, so were we three, and we’d just played the longest TG gig ever. Gen’s attitude and contribution to the gig appeared to reflect the undertone of his recent emails – that he wanted out of TG. Those suspicions were to be confirmed.

  26 October 2010

  So many people there and I was a bit phased with the sound and playing for 2 hours. We’re kicking back before going to Prague on Friday. Sleazy’s on UK time now and feeling a lot brighter. Lots of talking going on about many things … I just sent a ‘hello’ email to Gen saying see him Friday etc.

  There’s always a bit of a post-mortem that goes on the morning after a gig and after-show party. Shattered as we were, we had a group breakfast meeting at the Hoxton hotel, going through the TG schedule and details for our trip to Prague in five days’ time, before me, Chris and Sleazy headed back to our house to work in the studio for a few days while Gen stayed in London. On the Wednesday, Sleazy went off to visit friends while me and Chris worked on a promo video clip for our Chris & Cosey re-releases. We were all to meet at the airport for the flight to Prague. I’d done interviews for Prague and Porto to help publicise our shows there, and the Prague air tickets were booked and paid for.

  The day we received copies of our first two re-released, remastered Chris & Cosey vinyl albums, Heartbeat and Trance, we also received an email from Gen to inform us that he was quitting the TG ‘tour’. Our elated mood crumbled. Chris’s face dropped. He was fuming. ‘What?! That’s it! I’ve had enough. I knew he’d try and destroy TG … What the hell are we going to do – the fans, the money everyone’s paid out … Doesn’t he feel any responsibility to anyone?’

  The reason Gen gave us for leaving was Paul being TG manager and that apparently his own ‘conscience’ wouldn’t allow him to continue with the rest of the TG ‘tour’. It was clear that Gen’s moral compass and conscience differed from ours – they centred around him and he didn’t appear to feel what he did was morally wrong. I couldn’t help but think that this had all the hallmarks of the very first regrouped TG gig at the Astoria – Gen threatening to walk out over money. His quitting would impact hugely on thousands of people. We were frantically trying to think of a way of preventing what would be a catastrophic and very costly end to TG.

  As texts and phone calls were frequently going unanswered, I emailed Gen at 8.15 a.m. the next morning to say how serious the situation was and would he reconsider, and if not to let me know as we had to make other arrangements urgently and I needed a reply from him before 3 p.m. to enable us to sort things out with everyone affected. He replied at 4 p.m. He was already at the departure gate waiting to board the plane back to New York. That short timeline between contacting us and his departure made us suspect that he’d bought a ticket before he sent us the ‘I’m quitting the tour’ email. He said that he felt it was impossible for him to suffer any financial shortfall. That was particularly galling as it implied that he thought it possible and agreeable (to him) that we three suffer a huge financial loss, as well as having to cope with the hellish mess that he left behind. But he did say he ‘loved TG, our music and us’, which didn’t make any sense in view of what he’d just done to us. As Sleazy wrote to him, ‘We are glad to hear you still love TG, the music we are making now, and us personally, but your actions and attitude do not seem to reflect this, which IS sad, and leaves us not knowing what you really think. To be honest we are more inclined to believe that your actions reflect your true feelings.’

  We hastily contacted the venues to offer a solution and limit damage as much as possible. The three of us offered to play as X-TG at Bologna and Porto. They agreed. Alas, Prague was cancelled altogether as Gen’s sudden walk-out had left us no time t
o prepare a replacement show for them. We put out a statement informing venues and fans that TG would not be performing because Gen wasn’t willing to perform in TG for the confirmed sold-out shows. We three and Paul had to deal with the backlash as best we could, and attempt to avoid us and Gen being sued for vast sums of money.

  I didn’t believe that Gen’s reason for quitting was because of Paul and neither did Chris or Sleazy. From years of dealing with Gen, we thought his quitting was another possible hollow threat. He never apologised or gave us or our fans the real reason for leaving. We couldn’t help but wonder if the TG regrouping had all just been about the money for him. I thought back to all the instances where money had cropped up and it seemed it most likely had been, with Gen saying during the working out of this last ‘tour’ that, ‘in terms of what we [his new terminology for ‘I’] get out of it, the fee is key’. The quitting drama rolled on, email after email, as we tried to figure out what had made Gen do this and where we were to go from here.

  TG live performances had been problematic in so much as me, Chris and Sleazy embraced the original ethos of TG being musically flexible, innovative and improvised. We were fired up about the prospect of working together again and had invested in different hardware gadgets, effects units and software to give us as large a palette to work from as possible. We were like kids in a candy store when our research bore fruit and we got a new piece of gear. Every TG gig saw a different equipment set-up for the three of us. We wanted to create new works and not just perform TG’s ‘greatest hits’ – much as many fans and promoters wanted us to. TG as a whole could gel incredibly well on old songs but we were now incompatible with Gen when it came to venturing into new territory. We three would be soaring off into sound oblivion and Gen would be on the sidelines despite our efforts to include him. I guess no matter what Gen wrote to us in emails about working ‘together’ like in the old TG days, it never became a reality simply because he was in a different musical mindset from us three. Inevitably, even though Gen said he wasn’t comfortable with performing old TG tracks, we ended up playing them because the alternative (new material) was more uncomfortable for him.

  The democratic foundation of TG should have prevented the situation Gen put us all in. But Gen had ignored that and acted independently by leaving without first consulting us or giving us the chance to discuss his problem – but then he played the democracy card to demand that, whatever we three decided to do in response to the awful predicament he’d created (playing without him as X-TG), we must have his agreement. That wasn’t democracy. The fans and promoters happily and gratefully accepted X-TG. As far as TG was concerned, there were other commitments we had to fulfil, but those would have to wait until we returned from Europe.

  1 November 2010

  Very excited that the re-released Chris & Cosey vinyl albums will be out!! I can’t see much time to rest between now and next May as there are so many other big projects in the pipeline. A lot of recorded material awaiting final mixing and release. What more can I say? Life is gloriously rich in so many ways.

  It was so good to have the joy of the Chris & Cosey re-releases and the prospect of playing the old C&C tracks live again in the new year was something positive to really look forward to. Plus X-TG was feeling and sounding great. Gen’s quitting email had been a Gen hand grenade too many for Sleazy, and one he was thankful for as it signalled an end to all the aggravation we’d endured. It was as if a heavy weight had been lifted from Sleazy’s shoulders. We three had the opportunity to explore and experiment together, and Sleazy bombarded me and Chris with ideas for X-TG logos, sounds and future plans. Me and Chris felt the relief too and wholeheartedly embraced our new X-TG collaborative relationship.

  Sleazy was so chipper about it that he accidentally sent his honest opinion of Gen quitting TG to Gen by mistake, saying, ‘My first impression is that it could be exactly what we want … I personally am not inclined to try to change his mind.’ It became known as the ‘LOL’ email – the term Sleazy used as his apology to Gen for the slip-up. With the Bologna show just four days away, we had to work fast to get a new X-TG set together. We worked right up to – and on the day of – the first performance.

  X-TG and crew arrived in Bologna, checking into a very swish hotel. Sleazy came to our room and flopped on to our bed, munching our snacks and generally making himself totally at home. He was happy and relaxed. We’d put together material not only for the shows but more that we could use for a future X-TG album. Sleazy was keen to do vocals and asked if I minded. I didn’t object. We had no intention of including conventional vocals, and we were open to change as we went along. No limits, no egos to hinder us.

  Sleazy had his new vocal instruments to use: a touch-sensitive, circular spoked wheel with light fixed to his microphone; an air tube running through an effects unit; as well as a regular microphone that he used to feed vocal sounds through an audio processor. When we walked on stage in Bologna, the place was crammed with people. We were greeted with applause, much affection and an atmosphere of excited expectation. The gig was extreme, loud, sonically overpowering, and how I imagined the soundtrack would be to some hellish journey into outer space. I was in my element, my whole body seemed melded with the sound, and the audience response was just as intense and glorious.

  A day off in Bologna was a treat we all deserved and we had no unexpected dramas to deal with. The only problem was that I’d pulled a muscle in my back, or so I thought. I tried walking to relieve the pain and we went out for coffee, Sleazy having a beer and musing on doing more X-TG gigs. He’d been sleeping for up to fourteen hours a day, which didn’t sound right or healthy, but he was so upbeat and I put it down to him catching up on rest after the frantic two weeks we’d just had. The day we flew to Porto was my birthday. Chris had secretly brought cards and presents with him to make my day as special as he could. I loved him for that. I received lots of emailed birthday wishes too – and one from Gen. The first in over thirty years. Was he serious? I was in agony with my back, but still out gigging, trying to recoup money from his fucking off and leaving us in the shit.

  The venue for Porto was the ultra-modern Casa da Música concert hall and we waited outside the hotel for our pick-up to the gig. A car drew up and the driver leaned out: ‘Taxi for Pulsing Crystal.’ Fabulous name – we knew he meant Throbbing Gristle. My back was painfully uncooperative and I couldn’t get into the car. I had to walk the thankfully shortish distance from the hotel to the venue, with someone carrying my bag. In light of the already revised line-up for the gig, there was no way I could pull out. The gig was sold out, a blast – it felt as good as Bologna, and a success with the audience too.

  9 November 2010

  We’re back from two successful shows as X-TG. Full house and great response so we’re all very happy about the start of the transition.

  The return flight and train journey home made my back worse. It had locked up completely by the time I tried to get out of bed the next morning. Chris took me to the doctor’s clinic at our local hospital. The assessment examination was painful. I was sent home with muscle relaxants and painkillers that knocked me out for a couple of hours. When I woke up I couldn’t put any weight on my left leg – the pain was excruciating. It was like someone had run me through with a sword from the sole of my left foot up the centre of my leg to my lower back. I just made it to a chair before I passed out.

  Chris rang for an ambulance. The paramedics were there in twelve minutes. I was hooked up to a heart monitor and drifting in and out of consciousness. Poor Chris must have thought he was in for a re-run of the Papworth cardiac crash. The paramedic asked me, ‘What’s your pain on a scale of one to ten, ten being childbirth?’

  I replied, ‘Nine.’

  He didn’t believe me, but not having gone through natural childbirth like me, how would he know and who was he to judge my pain tolerance? I ended up being taken to A&E, where they gave me more drugs that gave me little relief. I was by now shaking uncontrolla
bly, sweating, throwing up and intermittently losing consciousness. It turned out that I’d had a reaction to the pain meds – I was intolerant to opiates. I hadn’t pulled a muscle at all, I’d herniated a disc in my lower back and had a pinched sciatic nerve. The treatment was to keep mobile, relaxed and no lifting or stretching for six months.

  17 November 2010

  Things have been a bit full on lately but as one door closes another opens. We three will be exploring our ideas now as X-TG. The stress of it all took its toll and Chris and me are in that post adrenaline phase after making good the TG commitments to fans and promoters. We had some dramas on our return but the worst is over.

  Sleazy was back in Thailand and intent on making X-TG work. He’d left a lot of his gear in the UK and his desk set up in our studio ready for his return in a few weeks’ time. In place of what would have been the scheduled TG performance, we were booked to play ATP Festival in Minehead as X-TG on 3 December. Sleazy was gathering together possible stage presentation ideas, new audio and visual instruments and talking of a 2011 X-TG tour of the USA, Japan, Canada and the UK, with an album and DVD release, and putting up an X-TG website. He saw X-TG as a new project for him. He wanted to put out a statement to the effect of ‘Now we have fulfilled the obligations of Throbbing Gristle’s live shows we will be moving forward as X-TG with all-new material for 2011 …’

  There was no guarantee against a repeat performance of what had just happened with TG and we didn’t want to revisit that amount of stress again. TG live was over but contracts for TG releases were still on the table so we had to find a way back for Gen, regardless of how we all felt about him. He excused his erratic behaviour and the consequential chaos it caused us by proclaiming, ‘I’m the chaos element’ – as if making our lives and TG regroupings difficult and hellish was a fun, prankster thing to bring to TG. Him walking out had been a shock. Sleazy emailed him: ‘I had not imagined this happening this soon but you seem to be fulfilling your role as “chaos element” with aplomb, as usual.’ How could TG come back from this?