Scared of Beautiful

by Jacqueline Abrahams

  “No,” I laugh, before seriousness veils my face, “but right now it’s all I have.”

  “Does this mean I have to watch that prep school asshole hit on you, since we’re friends?” Jackson asks, the memory causing his face to morph with irritation.

  “Jackson, regardless of whether we’re friends or dating or whatever, it doesn’t give you the right to decide who I talk to. You don’t own me, remember?” I reply confidently, and I mean every last syllable. There is more meaning behind those words than he could ever realize.

  Jackson decides to spend the rest of the night at his own dorm, and I sink into a peaceful sleep, one that is not assaulted by nightmares. In fact, I don’t dream at all. The smell of Jackson and Jackson and I lingers on my sheets, and I find myself considering laying in bed all day just to get lost in it. But I don’t.

  I make my way over the Bean to grab a coffee before heading over to the Brown campus. It’s about time I actually started participating in college again, I think. Driving the X5 over to the campus, my thoughts briefly drift to my mother, and I realize that I have yet to call and check up on her and Megs. I know they have enough money, there’s no way they could have burnt through the amount I left in that account for them. Still, leaving cash at the bedside has always been my father’s style, not mine.

  Chapter 26

  Jackson

  I consider grabbing coffee before my first class and then decide against it. Truthfully, I’m running really low on cash and I do need to pay the dorm fees. Sitting on my bed, I finger the small velvet box with the necklace I bought for Maia. If I sold it, I’d have a large chunk of my savings back and that would help. But that’s not an option. That pendant and chain will always belong to Maia, I’d rather starve than deny her it. I stash the box in its hiding place in my closet and make my way over to the Engineering building.

  While walking, I pull out my phone and send a quick text. Morning friend, sleep well? My phone buzzes moments later. Okay, some asshole kept me up all night. Funny though, I wasn’t tired at all this morning… I laugh out loud as I read it. Maia is so much fun when she lets herself go. Is that right? I’ll let the “asshole” know to correct that problem next time. I hit send. My phone buzzes almost immediately, too soon to be Maia, and it isn’t. It’s Emmanuel. Hey man, hit me back, we need to talk. I hit delete; he doesn’t get the option of asking for my time. Maia calling flashes across my screen just then.

  “Hey,” I answer cheerfully.

  “Hi friend,” she replies, drawing out the title.

  “So I hear your late night bedmate didn’t tire you out enough?” I feign sarcasm.

  “Nah, didn’t even break a sweat,” Maia replies jovially.

  “Good to know for next time,” I jibe.

  “And what makes you think there will be a next time?” she replies cockily.

  I laugh into the phone before replying. “I believe our relationship was reclassified to friends with benefits, in the plural, not benefit, as in singular. There will be a next time.” She laughs melodically in response. “I have class now,” I say reaching the Engineering building front steps. “Can we meet up later for a late lunch?”

  “Sure,” she replies before hanging up.

  At first I hated this whole friends thing, but if it continues this way, I think I could really get used to it. Seeing Maia so carefree is refreshing. Emmanuel calling flashes across my screen moments later. What the fuck does he want? Whatever it is, it’s not good, and I’m not interested. So fuck him, I think, before ignoring the phone and shoving it into my pocket. People like Emmanuel really suck the soul out of you. The better you try to do in life, the more they try to drag you into the same old shit. Not this time, asshole. I’ve somehow managed to keep myself from being locked up for the past four years. No way I’m risking prison time now.

  Engineering is fascinating, if you give a shit about it on any one particular day. Today is just not that day. This cash thing is getting me down, and while the lecturer is droning on, I scroll through the classifieds on my laptop. Hell, I’m used to being broke, but like I said, I’m not going back to the same old shit this time. Nothing comes up, and before long it’s late afternoon and I make my way over to Maia’s apartment. With any luck, my friend and I will decide to order in and relax for the rest of the day. Flashbacks of last night fill my mind, and my dick hardens, reminiscing how it feels to be in Maia’s soft warmth again.

  Arriving at the apartment, I see there’s a note stuck to the door. Meet me at the Bean. I walk over there and pull open the café door. Lo and behold, it’s fucking déjà vu, and déjà vu takes the form of pretty boy Blake. Thankfully this time there is distance between them, and the conversation seems less jovial. I know I promised Maia that I would back off on situations like this, but does this clown not remember me from yesterday? I’m pretty sure that I made my presence clear to him. The question is, did Maia?

  “Hey,” Maia smiles as I walk over. Much to my delight, she’s quick to dismiss the prep boy and walk over to an empty table with me. “So, Blake was telling me his family owns this place,” Maia says tentatively, “and he mentioned that they need a new bartender for the night shift.” She eyes me cautiously trying to gauge my reaction before continuing. “And I may or may not have mentioned that you were looking for something.”

  “May or may not?” I ask.

  “That depends on whether you’re okay with me asking or not. If not I may not have,” she defends quickly.

  “Maia,” I say with a deflated sigh, “I told you that I don’t want favors.” Especially not from the fucker over there that’s making his presence in my territory known on a daily basis. “You’re asking if I need a job, and the answer is yes, but if you’re asking me if I want to work here for that fool, the answer is no.”

  “Are you mad?” she asks.

  I am mad, but considering the good intention, I try not to show it.

  “You don’t have to answer, I know you are. Whenever you’re mad you grind your jaw, just like you’re doing now,” Maia continues before looking down.

  “Can we just go, maybe grab take out or something?” I ask. Now all I want to do is get the fuck out of here.

  “Sure,” she replies before standing.

  She orders in Thai food when we get back to the apartment and settles on the couch in front of me. “I was thinking,” she starts.

  “Now there’s a dangerous pastime!” I tease, cutting her off and laughing.

  “Shut up!” she replies throwing a cushion at me. “But if you don’t want to hear a solution to your problem that doesn’t concern working for Blake, that’s fine.”

  “Okay, speak,” I say, intrigued.

  “Nope, never mind.” She draws her eyebrows together in a mock scowl.

  “Okay,” I say shrugging my shoulders, my face morphing to perfect feigned annoyance as I stand up and walk towards the door.

  “Where are you going?” she calls after me.

  Gotcha. “Yes?” I say turning towards her with not a hint of a smile on my face.

  “Stay here.” The words fly out of her mouth with nervous apprehension.

  “What?” I ask, confused as shit.

  “Stay in the second room here, you can pay me a boarding fee that covers all meals, That way you won’t need to work while you’re here. As friends of course,” she says. “The room’s empty, anyway.”

  I bet if I’d left her she’d probably try to negate her own awkwardness with justifications all night long. That’s not what I had planned to do all night long. “So you would basically subsidize my college years?” I ask.

  “No, and if you don’t want to accept that’s fine, just say so,” she retorts with finality.

  I think carefully about my next words. Maia when on the defensive is the how she shuts people out. That’s not the side of her I want to see. Just as I’m about to answer, I feel my phone buzz. I pull it from my pocket to read the text. You had better call me. You should know better Jay, bad t
hings happen when you ignore me. Emmanuel’s text is threatening, and the scariest part of it is that he never issues empty threats. I think of all the people in Atlanta that he could get to who I care about: Jade, my parents, Shana. Daniella.

  “Everything okay?” Maia asks, sensing my angst.

  Bringing up Emmanuel in front of her is never a good idea. “Yeah, I just have to get going, okay.” I say shortly.

  “What, why? Dinner hasn’t arrived yet,” she says walking over and resting her arm on mine. I shrug it off without even thinking.

  Correcting myself, I lean forward and kiss her on the cheek. “I’ll call you later,” I answer, before walking out the door.

  I dial Emmanuel’s number as soon as I leave Maia’s building.

  “Jay, so nice of you to get back at me,” Emmanuel answers, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

  “What do you want, man?” I ask abrasively.

  “Now, now, we go way back, how you gonna talk to me like that?” Emmanuel is drawing this out, which is pissing me right off.

  “Speak or I hang up,” I reply shortly.

  Emmanuel half-laughs into the phone. “No, Jay, you won’t be doin’ that, not at all, not when you know and I know that pissing me off is a bad idea. Too many of your loved ones in these parts.”

  “I’m listening,” I say, low and defeated.

  “I need you to do a job with me. I need cash to pay back one bitch of a loan. And I need a wingman,” Emmanuel says.

  “You have plenty of those, why me?” I ask.

  “Most of the fuckers I know are either too stupid to do this, or just can’t be trusted,” he says.

  “What makes you think I can be trusted?” I ask. “Considering you just fucking broke me and Maia up, for fun.”

  “You ain’t an asshole like that. And I need you. Really, the choice is up to you, but bitch moves like refusing, they have repercussions. They always do. And since you’re playing college, Ivy League, you won’t be here to play bodyguard. Maybe my first mission will be to show Jade what good dick feels like. Slap her around a little. Show her how a man can handle her. Don’t matter if she wants it or not, does it? You know how we do? If the assholes after me haven’t killed me yet, I may even take a trip up to Rhode Island, and pay your little girlfriend a visit.”

  And I don’t doubt that his threat is legitimate. I grew up with Emmanuel. I used to appreciate the fact that he was a dude of his word. Now the idea sickens me. “Okay,” I say resignedly. “When do you need me?”

  “Beginning of next week,” he answers.

  “Can’t do,” I reply, “I have an exam.”

  “Skip it, Jay,” he says before hanging up. Fuck!

  Chapter 27

  Maia

  I know something’s wrong with Jackson. It’s a bit hard to find out what, though, since he hasn’t answered his phone since he hightailed it out of here earlier. I pay for the mountain of Thai food I ordered when there were two of us. But my appetite is well and truly gone. I decide to make the call to Megs to check on my mother.

  “Hi honey,” she answers happily after two rings.

  “Hey, Aunt Megs, how are you and Mom doing?”

  “Great!” she answers. After catching me up on the fact that my so-called father has not been in contact with her, and that she has been volunteering at the local church, I’m satisfied that everything is going well. I ask about money and she tells me that they’re fine. After promising to visit next week, we hang up. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I will always run from my past, but I won’t stop feeling bad for the people I left behind, at least the ones who deserve it.

  My thoughts wander to Jackson. I left him behind. I’m still leaving him behind. My phone rings shrilly next to me, startling me out of my pity party. Jade’s name flashes across the screen.

  “Hi,” I answer immediately. I miss Jade so much. Real friends like her are so rare, and it makes me miserable that she’s so far away.

  “Hey, babe!” she says happily. We chat on for awhile about Providence and Atlanta, and the girls who she has been seeing lately. I tell her about Blake, and debrief her on what’s happening with Jackson.

  “He’s really proud Maia,” she says. “Don’t push the offers of help on him. It won’t end well.”

  “I figured that out,” I reply.

  “Hey, I actually called because I wanted to talk to you about Jackson.”

  Oh, why?” I ask, definitely curious.

  “He called me a little while ago, to tell me to watch my back. He said he’ll see me next week. Did he tell you he was making a trip down here?”

  “No,” I say, confused as hell. He would tell me something like that, wouldn’t he? Or would he. Maybe that’s not the sort of thing he tells his friends?

  “Maia, I heard rumors that Emmanuel is up to something big, and that he needs Jackson. I don’t know what’s happening with you guys, but he doesn’t need to come back here for anything to do with Emmanuel. You need to make sure.” Jade sounds like she’s on the verge of tears.

  “Big, like what, Jade?” I ask.

  “I don’t know, but whatever it is it’s not good.” Jade’s voice breaks with worry. “Maia, this is not your neighborhood, when shit goes down here, people die. That’s how it is.”

  My heart seizes in my chest. The words die and Jackson should never be used in the same sentence.

  “I’ll talk to him,” I say before we end the call.

  I try Jackson’s phone a few more times over the course of the evening, with no success. My heart sinks. Apparently, friends don’t have the luxury of knowledge of their friends’ comings and goings.

  The weekend rolls by with no word from Jackson. Blake seems to pop up every time I’m at the Bean, and for a brief moment I consider the fact that he may well be waiting in the back, every day until I arrive. Good thing I’ve never been that vain. By Monday, I’m over the fact that Jackson won’t take my calls. In fact, I’m more than a little pissed. When I swing by his dorm room, Ben, his roommate, who I know realize is not always tired but just a complete stoner, tells me that he’s not there, but has barely left the room for most of the week.

  I wait until Wednesday and just after lunch make my way over to the basketball courts. If there was ever a guarantee in this world, it’s that he’d be there. Sure enough, as I approach the courts, I see Jackson slamming his way across the court defensively, practically knocking down the other guys in the process. He’s normally a team player. Apparently, a lot’s changed since last week. I make my way over to the courtside and wait for him to notice me standing there. He does more than once, but averts his eyes back to the game, barely acknowledging me standing there.

  As the not so friendly game finishes. He makes his way over. “Hi,” I say meeting his eyes. Where I normally see happiness at the sight of me, today I see somberness and hostility. His eyes are stormy and dark, a far cry from their usual warmth. “So you’re just not talking to me anymore, just like that? Does this have something to do with Emmanuel? Don’t I deserve at least an answer of some depth?” I practically shout, the pitch of my voice increasing with my aggravation.

  “Did Jade tell you about that?” he asks quietly. “What does it matter, Maia? You gave up the right to question me the day you decided that you didn’t to be with me.” Jackson wipes his hand across his sweaty forehead in frustration.

  “You know my reasons, I thought you understood.” My voice sounds desperate because really, I have no comeback.

  “What do you want me to understand, Maia? That you see me as some charity case that you keep offering handouts to? That your reasons are absolute bullshit? You let me go because you can’t get your own shit together, and I am the idiot who’s sitting around waiting for you to wake up and see what’s in front of you. Shit happens in all of our lives, but we don’t shove other people aside because of it. I’m there for the people I love, always. And that means that right now I have to fucking deal with Emmanuel.”

  The weight
of his words crushes me. Tears stain my cheeks, because I know that every single word is true. Jackson steps towards me and wipes a tear from below my eye. He pulls me into a fierce hug, the agonizing emotions pouring out from me filling the scant space between us.

  He takes one final look into my eyes, barely able to hide the grief in his own, and turns and starts to walk away.

  “Jackson, are you just gonna leave? I didn’t think you were the type to run away,” I shout desperately.

  He turns to face me. “I have to walk away. Jesus, Maia, you really have no idea how much I love you, do you? Where I’m from that shit matters. But it’s not enough for you. You put us in this screwed up friendzone, because it’s what you wanted. I have not run a single day in my damn life and I’m not doing it now.” His voice is resolute, hard. “I’m walking away.”

  He turns and walks off. As he does, a loud bang of thunder assaults the grey sky above, as if on cue. Ordered especially to add sound effects to the torrential heartbreak I feel.

  I call Jade, hysterical, hardly able to piece together a sentence, and barely able to breathe.

  “Maia? Maia!” Jade yells through the phone anxiously.

  “What happened?” She pauses to wait for an answer that I don’t have the oxygen to give. “Calm down, let me call Jackson okay?” I nod into the phone as the line goes dead.

  Chapter 28

  Jackson

  My gut wrenches as I make my way back to my dorm room. Fuck! Why do things always have to get so fucked up? I should never have assumed that I could leave my old life behind, that it wouldn’t follow me like death wherever I went. Or assumed that I could ever really be with someone like Maia. I was always kidding myself to think I could match up to the guys she’s grown up around. The pain of what I just did to her sends an instant shooting headache through my temples. The heavens have opened, but the icy shards of rain have no effect on my skin. Or my mood. She’ll never forgive me, and she shouldn’t. It’s easier this way. By the end of next week I may very well be dead, or at the very least locked up.