I shake my head. “Ben, I don’t want you to be anyone other than who you are. You can’t change for me. I’m not asking for that and even if I was, it wouldn’t work.”
“Don’t you see?” His eyes burn with intensity as he tries to convey his meaning. “I used to be that person until all this hate and resentment pulled me under. You’re helping the real me come alive again.”
I’m still not sure what to make of what he’s said.
“I’m sorry. That was probably TMI,” he says.
I look into his eyes. “No. Thank you for your honesty.” I offer him a grim smile. “And I’ve wrestled with demons of my own, so who am I to judge?”
He lies down and wraps his arm around my back. I burrow into his side, resting my head on his chest.
“Is it okay if I spend the night?” he asks.
“I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.” But I don’t know how we’ll make this work this with his schedule and our current living arrangements.
He kisses my temple and I slip my feet between this calves. He jolts. “Holy shit, woman. Have you had those feet set on ice?”
“Don’t be such a baby,” I murmur, already drifting off to sleep. “Just warm up my feet.”
“Don’t you know?” he asks. “I’d give you just about anything you could ask for.”
Before I can think about what he’s said, I succumb to sleep.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Ben
I’m dreaming that I’m with Alexa in her bed, her sexy backside pressed against a now growing part of me. I blink my eyes to see I’m in a dark room and she’s really here next to me. My arm is draped over her side, my fingers sprawled across her abdomen. My hand starts to explore, gently skimming across her skin and cupping her breast. She stirs as my thumb brushes over her in sweeping half-circles, moving closer and closer to her nipple. I lower my mouth to her neck, placing soft kisses on her throat and along her clavicle. I gently pull the covers down to expose her from the belly button up. A soft light filters through the blinds and casts a pale glow on her skin. I watch her nipple harden.
God, I want her.
The intense need I feel for her scares me. We’ve hardly spent any time together, yet I know deep in my gut that I could search the world and never find a more perfect fit for me. She’s fun and funny, light-hearted and cheery. She brings out a fun-loving side of me that’s been hidden for over a year, since before I started seeing Sabrina. I never realized how much Sabrina changed me until I stepped into Alexa Pendergraft’s life. Her devotion to her family and friends, and even children she’s never met, astounds me. To be included in that inner circle has become a driving force since I saw her this morning.
I study the outline of her breasts as my fingers continue their exploration. My erection presses against the soft flesh of her ass and primal need sends my hand searching lower, under the blanket. My fingers slip between her legs and my erection jolts when I feel that she’s already wet.
I want to wake her up and fuck her right now.
But part of me likes that I can still turn her on when she’s asleep. I want to take my time and watch her body react. She moans and rolls toward me as my hand continues to make gentle strokes over her body
I lower my mouth to her nipple and when she spreads her thighs apart, I can tell she’s rousing. She grabs my head and pulls it up to her mouth. She kisses me as she reaches for me, taking me in her hand and beginning to rub. I’m not going to last long—and part of me is annoyed as shit over that, like I’m a fucking teenager—but she makes me more excited than any other woman ever has. I can only hope that my dick will settle down the more time we spend together.
I lean away and grab a condom off the nightstand. Alexa had laughed at me when I’d put several there during our second round last night, but look who knew what he was doing at the time. I quickly get it on with her help and she’s climbing on top of me, plunging down without any warning.
I grit my teeth at the overwhelming urge to grab her hips and pound into her. She likes to set the pace and I let her.
She’s straddling me, her gorgeous naked body upright in the moonlight. She closes her eyes and leans her head back, exposing her throat as she rides me. She starts off slow, but she’s quickly picking up the tempo as she grinds herself into my pelvis. I reach up to fondle her breast, watching her in utter amazement. This has to be a dream, but if it is, I never want to wake up.
“God, you are so fucking beautiful.” I say the words out loud without intending to.
But the words seem to encourage her and she comes within seconds, crying out, her spasms putting delicious pressure on my erection. I clench my teeth to keep from coming. As soon as she’s somewhat recovered, I grab her hips and flip her on her back, my mouth finding hers as I begin to thrust deep inside her.
But she stiffens beneath me and I stop, lifting myself on one elbow. “Alexa, are you okay?”
She’s pushing on my chest, and even though her face is drenched in shadows, I see the terror in her eyes.
What the fuck? I instantly roll to my side and slip out from inside her.
She’s scrambling to get up, but I pull her back, which makes her even more frantic, so I let go. Before I can register what has happened, she’s sitting on the edge of the bed, sobbing.
Panicked, I reach up and turn on the lamp, then crawl across the bed to her and grab her face. She stiffens again, so I release my grip, but not before I get a good look into her eyes. She’s terrified.
“What happened?” I ask, keeping my voice calm even though I’m totally freaking out inside. Both of us flipping out won’t help anything. “Did I hurt you?”
She closes her eyes and shakes her head. “I’m sorry,” she forces out between sobs.
“Alexa, baby.” I stroke her cheek with my thumb. “Don’t say you’re sorry. Just tell me what happened.”
She pauses, calming down a bit. I can see she’s trying to figure out how to answer. “I don’t know.”
She’s lying and that sort of pisses me off. Why would she lie to me? “You don’t know why you freaked out?”
Taking a deep breath, she tries to stand. I grab her arm and pull her back down, but her eyes widen in fear and she stiffens again.
“Why are you afraid?” I ask calmly even though I’m anything but. “Are you afraid of me?”
She shakes her head, her eyes pleading with mine. “No. I’m so sorry.” Fresh tears fall and she makes a move to get up again.
“Alexa, please,” I beg. “Don’t leave me right now. I need you to stay.” It’s a dick move, and what’s more, I know it. She’s too sweet to go if she thinks I need her. I do, even though a guilty part of me wonders which of our needs is stronger—her need to get away or mine for her to stay?
She sinks back down on the mattress, an utterly devastated look on her face.
It’s obvious she’s embarrassed by what happened and doesn’t want to talk about it, but I’m desperate to figure out what’s wrong. “I’m going to ask you some questions—a”
She cringes and her eyes squeeze shut.
“—all you have to do is answer yes or no? Okay? That’s all.” I keep my voice gentle but I’m still panicking inside. I can feel her distancing herself from me. We’re so new that I wouldn’t be surprised if she decides to cut me loose rather than face this—whatever it is—head-on.
She sits there for several seconds before taking a deep breath and slowly nodding. “Okay.” But she keeps her eyes closed.
I’ve never been more nervous in my life. Somehow I know the questions I ask—never mind the answers she gives me—might determine whether she’ll stay with me. “Okay,” I finally say, reaching up and wiping the tears from her cheeks. She flinches.
I lean over the side of the bed and grab my T-shirt. “Why don’t you put this on so you don’t get cold?” That’s not why I want her to wear it. It occurs to me that sitting next to me naked probably makes her feel more vulnerable.
“Okay
,” she whispers and opens her eyes. She pulls the shirt over her head and slips her arms through the sleeves.
I tug the covers over the lower half of my body, but leave my chest exposed. I gently pick up one of her hands and begin to roll up the too-long sleeve. “Did I hurt you? You have to know I would never want to hurt you.”
She shakes her head and her eyes are open, but she’s not meeting my eyes. She’s watching me work on the first sleeve. “No. You didn’t hurt me.”
That’s good. She gave me more than a one-word answer.
But if I didn’t hurt her, I’m even more confused about what happened. I reach for her other hand and begin to roll up the sleeve.
“Did you not want to have sex? You can always tell me no, Alexa.”
Her face lifts and she looks into my face, astonishment in her eyes. “No. I wanted to have sex,” she says, dropping her gaze. “And I’d tell you no if I didn’t.”
I slowly reach my hand toward her face and she doesn’t flinch this time. “Good, because fair warning: I plan on having lots and lots of sex with you until you’re so sick of it you’ll beat me off with a broom.”
A grin quirks the corner of her mouth. “I guess I better get a broom then.”
I resist the urge to let my shoulders sag with relief. She’s not going to send me away.
“So, I didn’t hurt you and I didn’t force you to have sex,” I say, thinking out loud.
But her body stiffens as though I’ve slapped her.
I didn’t force you to have sex.
She likes to be on top and in control.
She freaked out when I pinned her to the bed.
The blood drains from my head and pure and unadulterated panic washes through my body, followed by so many thoughts I can hardly sort through them, but the largest and most horrifying pushes to the surface.
Alexa has been sexually assaulted at some point.
And suddenly it all makes so much sense—Reed’s notorious overprotection, their sudden move here, her need for control in bed.
I stare at this woman in front of me, who’s so absolutely and stunningly beautiful, both inside and out—and white-hot rage blazes through my body. I want to kill the motherfucker who did this to her. I want to rip his fucking head off and beat the ever-loving shit out of him and I’m not thinking metaphorically. I literally want to torture him before I murder his worthless ass.
I don’t realize my breath is coming out in short bursts until Alexa looks up at me in confusion. Her eyes widen in horror when they meet mine.
“You know,” she whispers.
Get your shit together, Masterson.
This moment could be the tipping point, the moment when she decides whether or not to kick me out. And I need to put my own need for revenge—justified or not—aside and make sure she’s okay. She’s been through enough without me adding to her trauma. But what can I possibly say to ease her discomfort?
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Tears fill her eyes and she scoots back from me. “You say that now, but you won’t look at me the same way now. You’ll look at me with pity like Reed and Caroline do. You’ll always be thinking ‘poor little Lexi’ or wondering what really happened that night.”
“Are you fucking kidding?” I ask, trying to temper my anger. “Why would I look at you with pity? You’re a fucking fighter and you’ve never been ‘little Lexi’ to me anyway. Reed’s your older brother and he’s always going to think of you as his kid sister. I’m sure Caroline sees you the same way he does.” I grab her hand and hold tight. “But I see you as Alexa. That’s the only way I’ve ever known you. And Alexa is a strong, independent woman who fights for what she wants and the people she loves. What in God’s name is there to pity?”
Her mouth drops in disbelief.
“As far as wondering what happened that night, as you referred to it, I want you to tell me what you want me to know. Nothing more. I will never ask you to share anything you don’t feel comfortable sharing. I’d like to know some details, like how long ago it happened and whether you knew him, but I’m afraid if I know too much, I won’t be able to keep myself from going after the guy.”
Her eyes widen and then fill with tears again. “How can you want to be with me after I freaked out like that?”
“Have you listened to what I’ve been telling you?” I say, my voice softening. “You are an amazing woman and I feel so unworthy of you. But I’m a selfish son-of-a-bitch, so I want you anyway.” My eyebrows rise. “You think the knowledge that some motherfucker hurt you is going to change my feelings about you?”
“But I’m broken.” Her gaze drops to the bed.
“I’m broken too. I’m a total fucking mess. So, we’ll be broken together.”
She’s still for several seconds and then she lifts her arms and wraps them around my neck, weeping softly into my shoulder and relief washes through me. I rub her back as she cries herself into exhaustion.
“I’m going to lay us both down, okay?”
She nods into my shoulder and I gently lower her to the bed.
“Don’t treat me differently now. Please,” she begs.
I tuck the covers around her and sink my hand into her hair, searching her eyes. At least she’s looking at me now. “First of all, if you cry like that—no matter what the reason—I’m going to treat you gently and make sure you’re okay.”
“Even if it’s over something stupid?”
“If you’re upset enough to cry, then it will never be over something stupid.”
“And what’s second? You said first of all.”
I gently rub her head. “Second is that you are already very precious to me, Alexa Pendergraft, and I will always try my best to make sure you know that. Please don’t ask me to stop.”
She closes her eyes. “Okay.”
I turn off the light and watch her sleep for several minutes before carefully slipping out of bed. I pull on my underwear and go out into the kitchen. Resting my hands on the counter, I lean forward and give in to my own personal freak-out.
I was accused—and arrested—for the very thing that happened to Alexa. There’s no way I can keep that a secret forever. At some point, she’s going to find out. What will she do? What will Reed do?
I force myself to take several deep breaths. This is out of my control, as hard as that is to admit. I finally—finally—found someone I can see risking everything for and there’s a very good chance I’ve already destroyed it.
Anger burns white-hot in my gut. I didn’t destroy it. That bitch Sabrina did. Her false charges may not have stuck, but the stench of her accusation still clings. If Sabrina were a guy, I’d beat the ever-loving shit out of her. But she’s not, and that’s a line I’ll never cross—no matter how angry I become. Sabrina may deserve to be pummeled, but I won’t be the one to do it.
But there’s another factor in this equation. The guy who did this to Alexa. What he did was far, far worse than Sabrina’s accusations. Tomorrow, the first thing I plan to do is find Reed. He’ll know what motherfucking piece of shit hurt Alexa, and if he’s the brother I now know him to be, he’ll help me bring the bastard down.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Ben
I wake up before Alexa does. Maybe it’s because she cried herself into total exhaustion or it could be the need to avenge what has happened to her, which kindled inside me the moment she confirmed the truth. I can tell that it won’t die down until I do something. Maybe if I’m proactive in my quest to avenge the wrong that’s been done to her, I’ll prove myself incapable of doing what I was accused of.
She’s lying on her side, facing me with one hand under her pillow, the other draped across my waist. She’s still wearing my shirt and an unfamiliar warmth spreads through my chest at the sight.
How has she so quickly wormed her way into my heart?
The how is superfluous at this point… The real question is what will I do about it? My schedule is insane and I know I’m going to want to be wit
h her every possible moment. But then again, maybe my schedule will help us ensure that we don’t take things too fast.
As I’m watching her, Alexa stirs, sighing before settling closer to me. My hand is draped around her back and I lower it to cup her ass. The now familiar jolt of need strains my growing erection.
Taking this slow is already not an option.
But I need to be careful. She doesn’t want me to treat her any differently, yet I want to be sure to respect whatever boundaries she has, because she obviously has them. I just don’t know what all of them are yet.
“Good morning,” she murmurs with a soft smile, her eyes are still closed.
“I thought you were going to sleep all day,” I say. “I thought I was going to have to wake you up with a kiss.”
“How can you be sure it would work?” she asks, quirking an eyebrow, her eyes still closed. “Maybe you should practice.”
I lean over and kiss her tenderly, but her tongue runs along my lip and I groan and deepen the contact. She grabs the back of my head, holding me in place as my tongue begins to explore her mouth.
I pull back and ask with a grin, “And how was that?”
She smiles and stretches, arching her back. Her chest thrusts out when she does that, and my shirt clings to her breasts, making it impossible to look away.
“I have an hour and a half until I have to get to class. How about you?”
“What time is it?” She tries to prop herself up to look at the clock next to her bed.
“Seven-thirty.”
Business as Usual (Off The Subject) Page 23