by J. A. Huss
I sit and think for a few seconds. Maybe he’s right. I’m way too dependent on Mateo for things. So I look up at Danny and say, “OK.”
“Yeah?” He smiles.
“Sure. I need a good high-school party, to be honest.”
“Come by around nine then.” He stands up, smiling with his accomplishment of breaking down my walls. “Things will be just getting started by then.”
He walks off, saying hi to other kids as he makes his way across campus. I just sit there and watch him disappear, thinking about what an idiot I am.
Jason, for one. That’s probably all true. He’s been lying to me.
But so has Mateo, at least a little, even if it’s simply by not explaining. He never mentioned this history with Danny’s family. But no wonder he wanted me to stay away from Danny. He can’t be a narc, though. He’s way too busy for that kind of secret life.
He has a secret life with me though. And I have one with him. And Jason has one with Phil and the babysitter. So it appears that it’s not so hard to have a secret life.
I guess anything is possible. But I’m not throwing away anything with Mateo over his past with Danny’s family. I love him way too much to do that.
I wish I didn’t. Because Danny’s right about one thing. Mateo is leaving Anaheim in two days and I’m not.
Chapter Thirty-Two
When I get home Danny was right. There’s a note on the table in Jason’s scratchy handwriting saying that Olivia is staying at the sitter’s.
Why, though? Why tonight when he’s never done this before? It just bugs me. And the whole secret relationship with the babysitter. Why is it a secret?
I sit down on the couch, not used to the quiet and freedom to be here and not have Olivia’s demands be the first thing on my mind. I turn the TV on to make background noise, and still, I’m unsettled.
I don’t think Mateo is cheating or anything stupid like that. But I just got a lot of information I didn’t necessarily want. It’s no big deal if he decided to go to LA today. Or if he got back early and didn’t let me know. We don’t have one of those report-back-to-me relationships. We hardly ever talk when we don’t have plans. But we’ve had plans every day but Sunday for the past four months, so I never had to worry about where he was.
I get out my phone and press his contact button. It rings three times before he picks up, but the relief I feel washes over me like an ocean. “Hey,” he says. “What’s up? Have a good last day?”
“Yeah,” I lie. I’m just happy to hear him. “What are you doing?”
“Just work,” he says casually. “Cleaning out my office and turning things in.”
“So you’re still in LA?”
“Yup. I’m gonna stay here tonight. Got a hotel down the road.”
“Oh, that sucks. I miss you.”
“I miss you too,” he growls. “But I’ll make it up to you tomorrow. You have plans tonight?”
The first part of that response started out normal. But there’s something in the last part that sets me on edge. “Why would I have plans?” I ask. “I have Olivia.”
“You do,” he says, after a few moments of hesitation. “Yeah, good then. Just forgot.” There’s a bunch of voices and then it becomes muffled, like he’s covering the phone.
“Who’s that?” I ask.
“No one. I gotta go, OK? I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“OK—” And then the call drops. I just look at the phone. “What the fuck was that?” But then my phone buzzes with an incoming text.
Mateo: Sorry, got cut off. I’m really busy, but I’ll text you tonight when I finish up.
Shannon: You should come home tonight.
Mateo: Probably can’t, but we’ll talk later.
I don’t text back, and he doesn’t either. How did things get weird all of a sudden?
Maybe things have always been weird, Shannon? Maybe you just never noticed it before?
I sigh and throw my phone down on the cushion, bored out of my mind. For the first time this whole semester I have nothing to do and nowhere to be. No one is counting on me, and even though I resented the fact that I was taking care of Olivia all the time, now that she’s not here I just want her back. Bad.
I swallow my pride and call Jason, just to check and make sure everything is OK. He picks up on the first ring.
“Yeah,” he barks. I can hear Olivia crying in the background.
“Jason? Is Olivia OK? I got your note.”
“Fine,” he says absently. “Just hungry. I’m about to feed her now.”
“I can watch her tonight, you know. She can stay here at home if you’re busy.”
“Nah, I’m gonna keep her with me. And I didn’t want to have this talk on the phone, but since I’ve got you, you know that you can’t stay anymore, right?”
“What?”
“I didn’t want to tell you like this, but I’ve got a girlfriend. She has kids too. And our lease is up on Monday, Shannon. I’m moving away.”
“Where?”
“Back to San Diego. I’ve got a restaurant job down there again. I’m taking this girl and her kids with me. She’s gonna take care of Olivia from now on.”
“Oh.”
“You’ve got all weekend to find a place though. So you can stay until Monday. I already moved our shit out.”
My throat starts to close up. “OK.”
“Great, see ya around.”
That call drops too and I just stare at the phone. I think my whole life just fell apart. My heart starts beating fast and I can feel the tears coming. It’s not like I’m going to miss Jason, but just the thought of not being in Olivia’s life breaks my heart. And he’s replacing me with the babysitter, I just know it. I know she has two kids. He’s probably been waiting for me to graduate all semester so they could move and leave me behind.
I look around and notice little things are missing. We didn’t have much, but the small things that said we live here are gone. The apartment was furnished, except for the bedrooms, but when I walk down the hallway and into Jason’s room, it’s cleaned out. No bed, no crib, no diapers or bottles lying around. Everything is just gone.
I walk back to my room and flip on the lights. I have my futon and two cardboard boxes on either side of it that I use as nightstands. I have a few clothes in the closet, but that’s it. I’m eighteen, I have no living relatives aside from a six-month-old baby, and my entire self-worth is contained in this bedroom.
I have a bank account and some money. Gigi has paid me every two weeks for the work I’ve put into the website. But it’s not much. I get a little of that large payout with each check. Not enough to pay for an apartment in Orange County, that’s for sure. I wondered all semester how Jason could afford this place. It might not look like much, but this is Colonial Anaheim and the rent is eighteen hundred a month. I guess that mystery is solved, since he’s a drug runner for Phil and not an actual chef.
I could go back to Ohio. I could. It’s a lot cheaper to live there.
But Olivia… I promised I would not leave her behind and now she’s being taken away.
Why didn’t I see this coming? I knew Mateo was leaving, but Jason? It never entered my mind that he’d throw me away. I always figured he sorta needed me.
But he doesn’t. He has the babysitter to fill my shoes.
I drop to my knees on the bed and then crawl to the pillows and start to cry. It’s not a sobbing cry. I’m not that kind of girl. It’s a silent one. The kind where the tears just fall out. I know I should be worried about where I will live next week, but all I see is Olivia’s face. All I think about is her growing bigger, and learning to crawl, and talk, and walk. And I won’t get to be there for any of it.
I have never felt this sad in my whole life. Not when my mother died. I had Jill then. We had a house and a car and I had all my friends and their parents coming by to make sure we were OK. I had teachers and neighbors who cared.
Not when Jill died. I was too scared of the future to
mourn her properly. Too worried about Jason’s erratic moods and Olivia’s infant demands to take in how much I just lost with her death.
But this… I cry a little harder. Maybe I am that kind of cryer? This is so much worse. Because I have no one but Mateo. And he will leave me behind in two days when he goes out into the world to sell his software and make his dreams come true.
Do I even have dreams? No. I don’t. I have thought about nothing but finishing school for months. And yeah, I have this little beginning of a career in web design. But my whole life has been wrapped up in sex and math. A baby and a bad brother-in-law.
I can think of no good way out of this, so I just fall asleep with tears on my pillow and an aching hole in my heart.
Chapter Thirty-Three
My phone is ringing out in the living room. I sit up, disoriented in the dark, then get up and find it on the couch where I left it earlier. “Hello?” I croak out, my voice still heavy with sleep.
There’s loud music on the other end. “Shannon?” It’s Danny. “You coming tonight?”
“What time is it? I fell asleep.”
“What’s wrong?”
How does he always know? “Nothing,” I say. “I was just so tired, I fell asleep.”
He says something else, but the music is so loud, I can’t hear. And then the call drops.
I almost laugh at that. But what do I expect? When things start unraveling in my life, they don’t stop until there’s nothing left. I plop down on the couch and stare at the TV in the dark as all the things that happened today come rushing back.
A few minutes later there’s a knock at the door. It opens without me even getting up. Danny Alexander stands in my doorway. “Shannon?”
He’s backlit by the outside lights so all I see is a shadow. “What are you doing here?” I say from the couch.
He comes in, closes the door, and walks over to stand in front of me. “Why are you sitting in the dark?”
“Did you know Jason was moving to San Diego with that girl?”
“Um.” Danny sits down next to me and frowns. He did.
“God, I’m so stupid.”
“Jason’s been around Phil’s a lot lately. For work and stuff.”
“I can’t believe you call what he’s doing work. He’s a drug runner, Danny. And he’s taking Olivia to San Diego. Did he ever have a restaurant job? Or has he always been doing these bigruns from Mexico?”
“Shit, Shannon, I’m not supposed to be telling you any of this. Phil would kick my ass, especially since you’re dating Alesci.”
“He’s not a fucking narc, Danny.”
“Whatever. But yeah, I knew. I figured you did too, Shannon. I had no idea Jason was skipping out on you.”
“God, I really feel stupid.”
“He’s an asshole anyway. You’re better off without him.”
“I know that, Danny. But he’s taking Olivia. And I know you don’t know my whole story, but she’s the last thing I have in this world. She’s the only family I have, OK? And I need her.”
He stars at me for a few seconds. “You don’t know my story either. My mom never recovered from that bust. She got worse. She came out of jail so much worse than she went in. She was dealing drugs, doing drugs—”
“Then why do you do it?”
“I gotta make money to get the fuck out of here somehow. Might as well be the family business, right?” He laughs, but I don’t. “Look, I don’t deal like Phil or Jason. I sell joints. Pot is practically legal now. It’s not the same.”
“It will be the same if you keep doing it.”
“I’m not going to keep doing it. I’m retired now. I sold the last of my stock a few days ago. No more high school, right? No more kids who want to get stoned at lunch or after school. Rocky and I are going to Santa Barbara for school at the end of the summer. Why do you think I was in the counseling office that day we met? Rocky and I had just gotten back from visiting the campus for recruitment week and my counselor wanted to know how it went. That’s why you never saw me at Phil’s over Christmas break.”
How did I not know this about him? Why did I just assume he was a loser like me? “Great, so everyone is leaving this shithole but me. And I don’t even belong here. Jesus Christ, can my life get any more fucking ironic?”
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t realize you were so attached to the baby. If I had, I would’ve…”
But he stops mid-sentence and drops that thought. “Would’ve what?” I ask.
He smiles. “I would’ve made more of an effort, you know? To fill you in on what’s been going on.”
“It’s not your fault. I’ve just been so busy with my own life, I wasn’t paying attention. I just wanted to assume Jason was a good guy.”
“He’s not,” Danny says, looking down at me through the dark hair covering his eyes. “He’s not a good guy, Shannon. And he should not be allowed to take that baby away.”
“I agree. But I have no recourse. I’m her aunt. If he marries that girl, she’ll probably have more right to Olivia than I do.”
He sighs and then sinks back into the couch cushions next to me. We sit like that, thinking about the conversation for a few minutes. And then he says, “Let’s go to the party.”
I say nothing.
“Come on,” he says, standing up and taking my hand, pulling me to my feet. “Let’s think about this tomorrow. You know I’ll help you any way I can, right?”
“I know.” He will too. Say what you will about his uncle, and selling joints is really not a good way to pay your way through college, but Danny Alexander is a stand-up guy.
As we walk up the alley the music from his party gets louder and louder, and when we get to West Street, I can see that most of the fenced backyard is filled with people.
“Let’s go in the front, I need to show you something.”
“Sure,” I say, feeling a little uneasy about the party. I’d rather be inside anyway. I’m not used to this anymore. I’ve been out of this scene for too long. And I have no real friends at Anaheim except Danny. There’s no way Josie and Mary are at a party like this.
There are people on the front porch when we climb the stairs, and Danny stops to tell them all to go in the back. They grumble, but they finally go.
Danny sticks his key in the door and then stops, looking intently at me. “Don’t be pissed, OK? I didn’t know.”
“Didn’t know what?”
He just takes in a deep breath and opens the door. There’s kids passed out on the floor. One about two, wearing nothing but an overfilled diaper. One is a little bit older and she’s got on a dirty sundress. And there, on the other side of the girl in the dress, lying on a blanket, the only thing between her and the filthy hardwood floors, is Olivia.
“What the fuck?” I whirl around and see Dana, the babysitter, sitting on the couch, smoking and talking on her phone.
She looks at me, takes a second to recognize what’s happening, and then she says, “Shannon’s here.”
“What the fuck?” I say again. “What the fuck is my niece doing at a drug house?”
I look at Danny and he tries a shrug. “I thought you knew,” he says. “I swear to God, I thought you knew. She’s been here for a couple months. Ever since Dana got evicted.”
“What?” I look at Dana. “You live here? Since when? You lived down the street the last time I saw you.”
“Well, I was supposed to live with Jason, but he said we had to kick you out first.”
I run over and pick up Olivia, who is miraculously sleeping. “Is she even OK?” I ask Dana, feeling rage bubble up inside me as I check my poor little niece. “How the fuck is she sleeping with this party going on? Olivia?” I say, pressing my lips to her head. “Olivia?”
“She’s fine,” Dana says. And then I hear Jason’s voice on the other end of the phone. “Here,” she says, thrusting the phone at me. “He wants to talk to you.”
I take the phone and spit, “You better have a good fuckin
g explanation for this.” Which is stupid. There is no good explanation for this.
“Just shut the fuck up, Shannon. She’s not your concern anymore. And if you take her—” There’s a scream of police sirens in the background and Jason says, “Fuck.” And then the call drops.
“What the—” I look at Danny. “They’re on a drug run?”
“You told her?” Dana screams.
“Yeah,” Danny says, but he’s talking to me.
“Well, I think they just got busted. There was a siren and then the call went dead.”
“You bitch,” Dana says, getting up from the couch and coming at me. Danny throws her off to the side. She crashes back into the cushions like a rag doll. She must be wasted.
“You let her take my niece while she’s on drugs?” I ask Danny.
“Shannon—”
“Don’t fucking Shannon me. In what world did you think I was OK with this?” He says nothing. “I’m so fucking out of here.” I walk to the door and pull it open, but the cops are just pulling up, flashing their red and blue lights. “Jesus Christ.”
Danny slams the door and points to the kitchen. “Let’s go out this way. We can cut through the back.” He grabs my arm and drags me down the hall. All the while Dana is screaming at us, still trying to get up from the couch where she fell.
He throws the door open and drags me down the back steps. The party is raging now. There are kegs and music is thumping so loud, no one even notices the police cars in the front yet.
Danny weaves us through the crowd of drunk and dancing people, and then Rocky yells for him just as the music stops.
“Fuck,” he says, standing on his tiptoes, trying to see over a tall guy in front of us. The call comes again, and he whirls around, looking back at Phil’s house. “Keep going,” he tells me. “On the left side of the garage is a gate that leads out to the next street. Meet me there.”