Eighteen (18)

by J. A. Huss

  I bite my lip and try to stop crying.

  “Come on. Alesci is waiting for you in court.”

  I am led down more hallways and the guard keeps his hand on my arm as we walk. We stop in front of a door and we are buzzed through. It leads directly into the courtroom and I see Mateo and another man at a table on the far side. They are both wearing suits.

  Mateo smiles when he sees me, and I swear to God, I just want to go home and cry. But the courtroom is packed with people, and I am taken over to a table in front of Mateo and told to sit.

  Mateo leans over the railing that separates us. “You OK?” he asks.

  “I don’t know,” I tell him honestly as I turn in my chair to see his face. “Is Olivia OK?”

  He nods. “She will be. We’ll talk about that later. But right now, you just have to sit and let the lawyers do their thing, and then I can take you home.”

  I turn back around and face forward. I don’t even have a home.

  The judge enters and the bailiff asks us to rise. Then he tells us to sit and they start calling my case. “The People vs. Shannon Drake.”

  I want to die right now.

  But then the lawyers start talking and in three minutes, the judge pronounces the charges dropped. Mateo shakes my lawyer’s hand and then takes mine, leading me out of the courthouse.

  I hang my head again. I never look up to see all those people as they gawk at us. We walk out to the parking lot in silence, in the chilly morning air, and then he holds my door open to his car.

  I get in and lean my head against the window.

  He sighs as he closes his door. “You OK?”

  “I want to see Olivia.”

  “You can’t.”

  I look at him. “What do you mean?”

  “It was part of the deal. No contact with her until there’s a complete investigation with Social Services. Weren’t you listening in there?”

  “I was too busy worrying about being charged with drugging her, so no, sorry. I missed the legal jargon about them taking my only family member away.”

  “Shannon,” he says, using that voice I’ve come to associate with his sexual requests. It makes my stomach turn. “You were almost implicated in a child endangerment case. You had her at a known drug house last night.”

  “I was taking her home!”

  “I get that,” he growls. “But there’s a procedure to these things.”

  “Fuck your procedures,” I say. “I didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t ever do anything wrong, Mateo. So why the fuck do I always have to do penance for other people’s mistakes?”

  He starts up the car without commenting and we stay angry and silent as we make our way back to his house. I don’t wait for him to get my door, just jump out and start walking down his driveway.

  “Where the fuck are you going?”

  “Home,” I snap.

  “You can’t go home, Shannon. It’s a crime scene. They got a warrant last night to search for drugs. It’s taped off and you can’t go in.”

  “Great.” I throw up my hands. “Just fucking great.” I want to scream so bad. I want to yell at the entire world right now.

  “Just come inside.”

  I laugh. “You think we’re still together?”

  “Why wouldn’t we be?” he sneers.

  He’s serious. He’s actually fucking serious. “You lied to me.”

  “It was my job, Shannon.”

  “Was I your job? Did you get to know me so you could bust Jason and Phil?”

  I wait for the answer I so desperately need to hear, but it never comes.

  “Great, that’s just great. You’ve been playing me all right. But not like an instrument.”

  “That’s not true,” he says, reaching for my hand.

  But I shake it off. “Then what part’s true? Did you know about Jason before we met?”

  “Yeah.” He nods.

  “So it is true. You used me, Mateo.”

  “I didn’t use you, Shannon. Everything we had was real.”

  “Except for the parts that weren’t, right? How could I ever believe you? Especially after you told me all those lies when we first met.”

  “That was fantasy talk and you know it.”

  “How do I know it? It’s a serious question. How the hell do I know which parts are true, which parts are lies, and which parts are fantasy? Did you really see me when I was walking to Bill’s to get food?”

  “Yeah.”

  But I can hear the ‘but’ he left unsaid. “But you already knew me, didn’t you?”

  “Shannon—”

  “No.” I stop him with a hand to his chest. “Leave me alone.”

  I turn and walk down his driveway and make a left at the street.

  “Where are you going?” he calls. “Shannon!”

  I ignore him, just keep walking until I get to the street I normally take to school and turn left again.

  “Slow down, dammit. Where are you going?”

  Mateo follows me, asking that question over and over. Asking me to stop and slow down over and over. But I just keep walking until I am standing on Lincoln Avenue in front of the school.

  “What the fuck are you doing?”

  I cross the street at the light and start heading towards the front steps.

  “Shannon,” Mateo growls as I start climbing them. “What the fuck are you doing?” He grabs my hand again, making me stop and whirl around.

  “I’m gonna have a conversation with Mr. Bowman, Mr. Alesci. And I’m gonna tell him what I should’ve told him four months ago.”

  He just stares at me, his green eyes searching mine for answers. He’s not panicked, and that surprises me. But he does look slightly nervous.

  I turn back to the steps and continue climbing and then I open the front door. It’s eerily silent since school ended yesterday. The lady I know is at the front reception and I make my way over to her. “Is Mr. Bowman in?” I ask.

  “Oh, hi, Shannon.” She eyes me warily. I must be a mess after spending the night in jail. “He’s around here somewhere. Let me look.”

  She walks off and the door opens behind me. I glance over my shoulder and Mateo walks in, his face long and his expression sad. He walks up behind me and takes my hand. “I’m not gonna let you tell him.”

  “Like hell—”

  “Stop,” he orders with a finger to my lips. “I’m not going to let you tell him because I’m gonna tell him myself. I’m not walking away, no matter how mad you are or how hard you push. I’m not leaving.”

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  “Shannon?” Mr. Bowman says, coming up behind us. He takes one look at Mateo’s hand in mine and then his face goes angry. “What’s going on, Mr. Alesci?”

  Mateo holds our hands up. “I love her, OK? We’ve been together the whole semester and I love her. I’m gonna marry her, Bowman. And she earned her grade, I swear to God, she earned her grade. She’s a trig genius now, even if she did learn about triangles while she was naked—”

  “Oh. My. God!” I say. “Stop talking, you dumbass! I was just gonna ask him for help with Olivia!”

  “And I realize she’s pissed off at me right now, and it doesn’t look like I have a chance in hell in getting her to come home with me again, let alone marry me. But I’m a come-from-behind kind of guy, Mr. Bowman.” He looks at me and grimaces. “And I don’t mean to imply we’re having anal sex, Shannon, so don’t freak out on me.” And then he turns back to Bowman. “But she loves me back. She told a whole auditorium filled with kids in Hawaii that she did, and I’m holding her to it. So there.” He throws up his hands. “She’s mine, goddammit, and I don’t give a fuck what you say about it.”

  “You’re done now?” Bowman asks. The ladies in the office start to giggle.

  “Just kill me now,” I mutter.

  Mateo lets off a long breath. “No, actually. She’s got something say, so no. We’re not done. You can take it from here, Shannon.”

  I seriously want t
o die.

  “Perhaps,” Bowman says, glaring at the office ladies, “we should go somewhere private?”

  Mateo sighs and takes my hand and we follow Bowman out of the office and down the hallway to an empty classroom. He walks to the front and Mateo and I sit in two student desks in front of the larger one where Bowman leans back, his arms folded over his chest.

  He glares at Mateo. “I trusted you with her,” he seethes. “I explained that she was very vulnerable. And what did you do? You took advantage of her.”

  Mateo sighs and looks over at me. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m sorry if you think that, but I’m not sorry for what I did last night. Phil Alexander was dangerous. Jason, as you well know, Shannon, was dangerous. I got them off the streets. So I’ll apologize for not giving you time to recover from the death of your sister, for being a shitty teacher, for being a liar, and for being…” He glances at Bowman real fast and then back to me. “For being… insistent that you were mine.”

  He looks at Bowman again. “But I will not apologize for loving her. I don’t care what you say about it, what we have is good. The way I got her to trust me was the best I could do, and she passed that class by working hard. So if you think you’re going to try to take that away and stop her from graduating, I’ll fight you over it, Bowman. I will. She can retake all those tests and she will pass every single one.”

  They glare at each other for several moments and then Bowman looks over at me. “Is that how you feel, Shannon?”

  “God.” I sigh. “I’m really not here to discuss my love life, OK? It’s none of your business anymore, Mr. Bowman. I don’t need help with Mateo. You said I should come to you if I needed help with Olivia. Well, I need help. I really, really need your help.” And then it all comes spilling out. I tell him everything I never wanted him, or anyone, to know about me. I tell him about Jill, about Jason, about the drugs, the violence. Everything.

  And when I’m done I let out a deep breath. “So will you help me?”

  He looks sad. With each new revelation about what’s really been going on, his expression gets more and more concerned. But now he just looks sad. “I failed you. Completely failed you.”

  “You didn’t,” I insist. “I didn’t tell anyone how bad it was. Not Danny, not Mateo, not you. I just want to know if you can help me get Olivia back.”

  “I have to be honest, Shannon. It’s not looking good. My wife is a social worker and I know from experience that they do not let many younger relatives take care of infants. Especially those who failed to notice the signs of drugging over a long period of time. As you have found out the hard way, new adults don’t have the experience to handle some things. Or the money, or the time, or the commitment.”

  “We’re committed,” Mateo says.

  “We?” Bowman sneers. “So you’re volunteering to take care of this child? You don’t even know her.”

  “I know her,” Mateo growls. “I might not know Olivia, but I know Shannon. And we’re not going to stop until we get that baby back. With or without your help, Bowman. We’re getting her back.”

  Maybe Mateo isn’t such a bad guy.

  But Bowman is looking like he’s about to blow a gasket. “Look,” I interrupt his explosion. “I’ll do whatever it takes. I understand that I don’t have much experience in being an adult. I know I’m only eighteen. But I’m smart. You said so yourself. And I’ve got a bright future. You said that too. So help me. I did everything you asked this semester, even though none of it was fair or even logical. I did the work once and I’m willing to do it again.”

  He looks at me, thinking.

  “Please,” Mateo says. “She needs that kid, Bowman. And that kid needs her. Don’t let them take away the only thing Shannon has left.”

  Bowman takes his time as he sorts us out in his mind. “It’s not going to be easy,” he finally says.

  “We don’t care,” Mateo replies. “We’ll do whatever it takes.”

  “It’s not going to be immediate, either. They are notoriously slow in Social Services.”

  “That’s OK,” I say. “I want them to do it right.”

  “It’s going to require a lot of sacrifices.”

  “We’re willing to make them,” Mateo says, reaching for my hand across the aisle. He squeezes it, but his eyes never leave Bowman.

  After several agonizing seconds, Bowman sighs. “I’ll call my wife and see what I can do.”

  He leaves us after that, saying he will get in touch when he hears something, and Mateo and I get up out of the students’ desks and look at each other.

  We don’t say anything. He just leads me out of the building, down the stairs, and we walk home in silence. When we get in front of his house he says, “You’re coming in.”

  It’s not a request.

  I follow him into the house and sit at the kitchen table. “Thank you,” I say, as he sits across from me. “I appreciate what you said back there.”

  “I meant every word, Shannon.”

  I nod.

  “What?” he asks. “Why aren’t you saying anything?”

  I stare into his green eyes. He’s fucking handsome. His body is hot, he’s good in bed, he’s smart, he’s got money, and a bright future. He helped me this semester in so many ways. He helped me pass trig and he fed me. He took me on dates, to Hawaii, and he made me feel so good when we were together.

  But…

  “I don’t think I know you.” I expect him to laugh at that. Pass it off as silly. It might be silly. I know a lot about him. “I don’t think I have the faintest idea of who you are. But more importantly, I don’t know me either. I have no idea who I am right now. I have lost every identity I’ve scratched out for myself over the past eighteen years and I feel like I’m standing at day one.”

  He watches me as I try to figure things out.

  “It’s scary, Mateo.”

  “It doesn’t have to be, Shannon.”

  But I nod my head. “It really does. I think while I was in here getting used to your overpowering nature I lost sight of that. And if I let you help me—”

  “Shannon.”

  “If I let you be the reason I make it, the reason I get Olivia back, the reason why things turn out OK, then that’s it, Mateo. I’m done. I will never, ever stand on my own again. You will bulldoze me through life.”

  “Shannon, please.”

  But I shake my head. “I don’t even know what I want yet. I want Olivia, I like a lot of things you and I did together. But I’m not choosing you…”

  I really do mean to say more. I really don’t mean to make it sound the way it does. The way I leave it. But I stop talking right at that moment. I stop talking so his last impression is one of rejection.

  I stand up and say, “You should go to Arizona tomorrow.”

  “Why are you doing this? To get even with me?”

  I turn my back to him. “To get over you. I know you meant what you said back there at school, and I appreciate that. But you had your chance to be eighteen. You made your decisions.” I look over my shoulder. “It’s time for me to make mine. I don’t want to be saved, Mateo. Regardless of what you think, I’m not looking for someone to tell me what’s best, or keep me in check, or make life less scary. What is life without risk? And what is risk without fear?”

  He has nothing to say to that. Mateo Alesci is struck speechless as I walk out of his house and cross Broadway. I make my way to my apartment and sure enough, there’s that little yellow tape over the front door.

  Fuck them. Jason’s stuff is gone, it’s just my stuff being held hostage. I’m just about to rip the tape off the door when a voice calls out behind me.

  “Wanna come inside, Shannon?”

  I turn around to see the cop chick across the quad, peeking her head through her screen door. She’s got her blonde hair up in a ponytail and her uniform on.

  “Are you going to bust me if I go inside and get my things?” I yell.

  “No,” she calls back. “N
o one really cares. I’m sure they got what they needed last night.”

  “Were you a part of it too? Is that why you moved in?”

  “Maybe a little bit,” she concedes. “But not the way you think. I knew what the task force was up to, but that’s not why I asked you if you were OK that day.”

  “Then why?”

  “Why?” She laughs. “Because I care.” She opens her door wider and repeats her offer. “Want to come inside?”

  “I really don’t,” I say back. “I just need to sleep. And I might not have much in there, but it’s mine. And I need it right now.”

  “I get it. I do. And if you ever want to come talk, feel free. We can be friends.” She smiles at me, then closes her door and disappears inside.

  I don’t want any more friends right now, so I open the front door to my apartment and go inside. It’s not trashed like you see in movies. Of course, we really had nothing. And Jason took everything that was his and Olivia’s when he left yesterday. My room has a few things out of place, but the bed is just fine.

  I strip out of my clothes, take a shower, dress in shorts and a tank top, and spend the whole day curled up under a blanket in my dark room.

  I do not sleep for one moment. My eyes close, but all I see are the mistakes I made.

  Maybe this is why people kill themselves?

  My whole life can be contained in a backpack. It makes me laugh. I have four days before I’m kicked out of this apartment, I have about—

  A sharp knock on my window scares the shit out of me. Mateo stares back from the other side, and then he slides the window open and points his finger at me. “You know what?”

  “What?” I growl. I’m so annoyed at him for interrupting my thoughts.

  “Fuck you. Fuck you, Shannon. You don’t get to fucking wallow in pity and call me a bulldozer.”

  “Get out.”

  “No. I’m not even in, so I’m not getting out. I’m sticking around. How about that? You’re not gonna get rid of me that easy. And you know what else? I paid your fucking rent. Now what are you gonna do?”

  “What?”

  “I’ve lived in this neighborhood most of my life. You don’t think I know who owns this building? So you can’t just leave. You’re paid up for six months.”