These Foolish Things: The Complete Boxset

by J Battle

  Quite out of the blue, a thought occurred to him. He couldn't believe that it hadn't struck him before.

  He was wearing an AI on his wrist. He was working for an AI. He was about to put his life at risk in the service of an AI. He was having chats with an AI.

  Why wasn't he frightened? OK, he was frightened of getting hurt by one of Dart's thugs; any normal person would be.

  But he wasn't frightened of the AI. He'd spent the best part of ten years running and hiding from them, desperate to escape their ubiquitous and evil influence. All that time, he'd been frightened of them, but not now.

  He looked down at the silver bracelet that adorned his wrist, and he knew. It was obvious. The AI had drugged him in some way, turned him into some mindless slave that would obey its orders without question.

  The truth he'd known all of his adult life was there, on his wrist.

  He stepped away from Draggle.

  'I'm not having this,' he said quietly, tugging at his bracelet.

  'What?' said Draggle around a mouthful of bread.

  Sam pushed him hard in the chest and sent him flailing into the corner. Then he was off.

  He ran as if his life depended on it, and it very probably did.

  'Where you going Samuel?' The voice was insidious inside his head.

  He ignored it and just kept running.

  'This is a big mistake, Samuel.'

  Sam felt a wave of relaxation flow over him, and he slowed.

  But he didn't stop; he knew what this was, and he'd been expecting it.

  'You can't stop me,' he whispered; almost sighing.

  The AI said no more, but Sam felt suddenly tired, as if his legs couldn't carry him a step further. But they did; faltering maybe, but one foot in front of the other, he carried on.

  'This is your last…' Sam wasn't sure if the AI had stopped talking, or if the sound of its words had been drowned out by the explosion.

  As he fell to the ground, he wondered how Dart had got past the dozens of security guards posted around the AI underground complex.

  Then the ground hit him, and he thought no more.

  *********

  Dart didn't have to find a way into the heavily guarded AI complex; it had never been his target; not directly.

  The blueprint he'd retrieved from Bliss had been an important but not necessarily vital part of his plan. It didn't matter to him that the blueprint displayed all of the details of the underground home of the Law and Order AI.

  The important segment of the blue print was the part that presented the positioning of the power cables. An AI the size of the Lord and Order AI require a prodigious amount of power, only second to the recently merged Taxation, Revenue and Fines AI's, now joined as one in the We've Got all the Money! AI.

  Commonsense decreed that the power source should be separate from the actual AI itself, in case something went wrong.

  The fusion power station was housed in a modest looking office block a couple of hundred metres from the AI building and was a very easy target for Dart and his team of explosive experts.

  With everything set to go, they had retired to a café a kilometre from the site, ordered a round of coffees and cream cakes, and waited for the right time to set off the explosives.

  All over the city, Dart had teams in place, ready to go when he gave the word.

  ‘Can I do it, Boss?’ asked Barnes, almost panting at the prospect

  Dart sipped his coffee and nodded. Barnes took the controls in his hand and pressed the little red button, shivering with excitement. There was a loud thud in the distance. Dart nodded again and the large guy on his right sent the go signal.

  With the power supply to the Law and Order AI destroyed, the country was suddenly without the will, the vision, the ability to stop them.

  The teams in Manchester all reported directly to Dart, but he had franchises across the whole country who, after paying a substantial fee, were also awaiting his signal to begin their own campaigns.

  Without the deterrence of the Law and Order AI, the criminal fraternity went to town.

  Chapter 31 - Now, it’s not me, it’s…

  ‘So, Philip, how badly did you have to screw up to get yourself locked up in prison?’

  She’s giving Julie a hug, with considerably less enthusiasm and effort than Julie’s is putting in to it.

  ‘I’m not in prison!’ There a certain whine in my voice that reminds me of the way I protested when my mother caught me on one of those inappropriate internet sites when I was fifteen.

  She looks around the room as if to say, well it certainly looks like a prison.

  ‘It’s not me who’s locked up,’ I say, nodding towards my sister.

  ‘It’s all my fault, Mum,' Julie sniffles. When did she start calling her Mum? When did she start letting her call her Mum?

  ‘I knew working for him would lead to this,’ replied my mother, sounding all sort of, well, on anyone else it would have sounded like sympathy, or concern even.

  ‘It’s not Phil’s fault Mum. I sold his business, using his codes, without his permission, ‘cause he was going to get bankrupted and…’

  ‘So you sold his business to save him? Did you get enough to clear his debts?’

  Julie nods; accompanied by a considerable amount of snuffling.

  ‘So you saved the day, and now you’re in prison, and you can’t see that it’s all his fault?’

  She gently pushes Julie away. I’ve never really seen her be gentle before. She stands there in her little black ninja suit, with her headband and evil eyes. She’s looking at me. I’m trying to meet her gaze but, it’s not easy.

  ‘So Philip, what are you going to do about it?’ There’s a challenge in her voice, and given her stance, if I don’t come up with a good answer, I think she’ll kick me.

  Fortunately, I have a pretty damned good answer.

  ‘We’re going to squirt to freedom.’ Well, it sounds good to me.

  My mother looks doubtful.

  ‘How do you plan to do that?’

  ‘I’ve changed quite a bit since we last met, and I’m now squirt capable.’

  ‘Nonsense. Have you been taking that stuff that addles the few brain cells you were born with?’

  ‘No, Mother. This is for real. Step closer and I know you won’t like this, but we’re gonna have to hug.’

  I hold my arms out. Julie gives me one of her I-don’t-know-where-you’re-going-with-this-but-I’ll-play-along-anyway looks and slips under my right arm.

  We both look at mother; she scowls at me and frowns at Julie. Then she shrugs and suddenly her skinny little body is next to mine.

  ‘OK folks, I'm Phil, fly me.’ I hug them both to me and, closing my eyes, I instruct Dumb to Squirt.

  ‘Request cannot be met, at this time.’

  'What?'

  ‘Request cannot be met at this time due to unforeseen circumstances.’

  'What unforeseen circumstances?'

  ‘How long is this going to take?’ My mother is beginning to squirm and there’s a tone in her voice that says I better have a good answer.

  ‘Hi Philly babe!’

  Oh no! She’s back in my head.

  'What do you want?'

  ‘I hear you’re squirt capable now; that’s nice. But not here, I’m afraid. I’ve put a Heloon Shield around the room; it prevents squirting, which is why I am communicating remotely. It wouldn’t do to be caught in my own trap, would it?’

  I let go of my family and walk to the door. I’m hardly surprised to find it locked.

  ‘Well. Philip, now we’ve finished with all of this ‘squirt capable’ nonsense, do have any idea at all how we’re going to get Julie out of here?’

  I ignore her; both because I really am trying to come up with a plan B, and because it will get on her nerves.

  So, we can’t squirt out of this room. If we get out of the room in a more conventional manner, will we be able to squirt then?

  What do you think? Care to c
hip in with something useful?

  No? Now there’s a surprise.

  OK, all we have to do is open the door. Simple as that. But it is a prison door and I don’t suppose my sister or mother have a hair clip I could use to pick the lock. And even if they did, I wouldn’t know how.

  ‘Does anyone have a lock pick?’ I ask, not because I expect an affirmative answer, but just to keep things moving along while I wait for that killer plan B to emerge whole and brilliant from my sub-conscious.

  My mother sighs and begins to fiddle with her belt. I hadn’t noticed before but she has little pouches dotted along its length.

  ‘Here we go,’ she says as she produces a tiny tube labelled Acme LockPicks.

  The three of us stand before the door for a full minute before anyone can bring themselves to say the obvious.

  Yes, we have a lock pick, and an Acme LockPick at that, but this a prison door and it doesn’t have a keyhole on this side of the door; why would it?

  Fortunately my plan worked; whilst all this was going on, the plan B I’ve been waiting for has arrived; and you’re going to like it.

  ‘Step back,’ I say, in a grim, coarse, action hero sort of voice. ’I’m going to need a bit of room.’

  I’m ignoring the probably quizzical look from Julie, and the definitely disapproving look from my mother.

  I’m thinking about my nanos. Before, I’d always interfaced with them through Neville. Now that he wasn’t here, would he have left me without the ability to speak to them directly? Wouldn’t the super-intelligent AI have left a channel open for me?

  Of course, I don’t speak nano, and Neville knew that, so a plain language instruction should work, if only I knew what it was.

  OK, little fellows, strengthen the muscles in my arms, and my legs, and my back. Oh, you’d better do the same with my stomach muscles; don’t want my core to weaken. I’ve seen enough exercise videos; I know how important core strength is; almost as important as core temperature, I think.

  It’s working; I can feel my biceps, my quads, my abs, and the ones across my back that must have good names.

  I bend my right arm and, oh yes, the sleeve of my T-shirt is ripping!

  I bend my left leg and, oh no, I think a seam has gone.

  I glance across at Julie; her mouth has dropped open. I give her a reassuring nod.

  Nanos, I want super-tacky fingers, now.

  OK, I‘ve got my muscles and my tacky fingers, it’s time to go.

  I grasp the cold smooth surface of the door, one hand close to each edge, a little above shoulder height. I pull back a little, but my fingers remain fixed to the door.

  All good so far.

  With a surprisingly, for me, elegant and gymnastic move, I flip my legs up and place my feet on either side of the door, about half way up.

  I know my mother is shaking her head behind me, but I ignore her. With my hand securely attached to the door, and my feet planted firmly, I'm ready to go.

  OK, little fellows, are you ready? They don't answer off course, but I know they are.

  'Heave!' I yell, and I begin to push with my feet and pull with my hands. There's a lot of groaning, and it's not all me, then something gives, and thank goodness it's not my back.

  But it's not the door either. It remains firmly, resolutely, annoyingly in place.

  No, it's the wall. My right foot has gone straight through, and the edge is really quite sharp across the back of my leg, and I'm hanging in quite an uncomfortable and awkward position.

  'Can someone give me a hand?' I ask.

  Alright, I know, it's a bit of an anti-climax, but at least I tried.

  Julie grabs my shoulder, and my mother grabs my leg. I release my hands from the door, and then there's some tugging and grunting, and now I'm in more than a little pain, standing on my left foot with my right struck in the wall at chest height. I've never been able to do the splits, but that's what I'm doing now.

  'Bother!' I yell as I reach out with my right hand and tear a chunk from the wall just beneath my leg.

  Three more 'Bothers!' and I'm free.

  Well, I'm still locked inside this locked room on an orbital prison platform, but you know what I mean.

  'Well, that worked out well, didn't it Philip?' My usual policy of closing my eyes and thinking of beer while I wait for her to go isn't going to work here, I can see that.

  'Well, how about this then?' I say as I grip the edge of a broken segment of wall with both hands. Just a little tug with my supercharged hands and it all comes away, leaving a clear hole in the wall, big enough for me to step through.

  'Follow me and…' I'm halfway through the wall, with my head in the corridor and my rear in the room when I see the two guys dressed all in black standing very close to my head.

  I think my last thought before I lose consciousness is going to be 'I knew they'd have big sticks.'

  One of them hits me on the head with a big stick.

  *********

  I'm awake now.

  Did I miss much?

  Thanks for nothing. I'm in a little room, lit by a single weak light in the ceiling. There's a chair and a small table, and I'm sitting in the chair and I'm chained to the table.

  Did I mention the headache? I have a headache.

  Almost without thinking, I send the nanos on an investigate and repair mission. They really should have thought of that themselves. Obviously a training need to be addressed when this is all over.

  That's better; no pain at all. This is the future, man; right before your eyes. You should be more impressed.

  Now my head's not banging, I can think clearly and work out what to do. I'm not in that other room anymore so hopefully I'll be able to squirt.

  But I don't want to take the chains and table with me.

  I instruct my nanos to narrow down the, I suppose you might call it a field, so that just my body gets squirted.

  Right, squirt, I say and suddenly I'm in the corridor outside the locked door of the room I'd awoken in.

  Great! I think.

  Bother! I think, and then I squirt back into the room to retrieve my pants, and the rest of my clothes.

  Back in the corridor and fully dressed, I can hear my mother giving someone a piece of her mind.

  I squirt into the room and find her using her caustic tongue on two large, rough, and quite abashed individuals.

  Without a word, I grab her by the shoulders and we squirt back into the corridor.

  'What…?' my mother splutters.

  'Where's Julie?'

  'They took… I think she's next door.'

  I squirt into the room and there is she is; chained to a table.

  I don't have time to work out how to release her so we take the table with us. Back into the corridor to collect mother.

  Then the three of us, and the table, make our escape.

  Chapter 32 - Now I have a utility belt

  It’s a full month later and, what can I say? I‘m feeling very mellow and disinclined to do anything that involves any sort of effort.

  I suppose you want to know what’s happened since we left you. Well, come back tomorrow; I might be in a more active frame of mind; you never know.

  Alright, alright; I suppose you’re right. You’ve come all this way with us and you deserve to know what you’ve missed.

  I’ll just take a quick sip of this cocktail and, who am I fooling? There’s no such thing as a quick sip of cocktail, so I’ll just take my time.

  Oh, I think Julie’s getting up to mix a fresh one; yes, she is! Strange, she’d never make me a coffee back in dear old Manchester, but here, she’s happy as anything to get me cocktails, though I’m not sure I like her in that grass skirt.

  So, where was I? Oh, yes, drinking my cocktail.

  When we squirted from Gotcha! we landed briefly back in Manchester; a) to get rid of mother and b) pick up Sam.

  When I say get rid, don’t take it the wrong way. There is nothing sinister about it. My mother is perfectly h
ealthy and is almost certainly getting on someone’s nerves as we speak.

  We then squirted here to… ‘What’s this place called Julie?’

  Oh, yes, if course, it’s Aloha, and it’s wonderful. It's hot but not too hot; it’s got great beaches and no AI’s. The perfect place to start our new lives. Julie says we can set up our private investigations business here, but I’m not sure. If someone loses their coconut, they can just pick another one. I can't think of anything else to worry the laidback inhabitants of this little piece of heaven.

  For now, I’m just relaxing and chilling and taking it easy. Who can blame me?

  This morning I did something very energetic, sort of. This was something I’d been thinking about, but wasn’t sure was feasible, so I had a word with old Dumb and we worked it out together.

  I got Sam and Julie down on the beach to get a good view and then I did it.

  When I explain what I did, it will sound boring, but if you saw what Sam and Julie saw, or what I felt, then even you would be impressed.

  I got Dumb to squirt me in a sequence of squirts from one end of the bay to the other, in a great curve across the sky.

  See, I told you it sounds boring when explained. To me, and Julie and Sam, I was flying!

  ‘Strictly speaking, you were not flying; you were just not falling.’

  ‘Neville! You’re back!’

  ‘If you have to say the obvious then, yes, I am back.’

  ‘Great! How did you manage it?’

  ‘There was nothing to manage. I was dormant whilst you retrieved Julie from Gotcha! Now that we are here with no AI presence, I felt free to regain all of my facilities.’

  ‘Julie, Neville’s back!’

  ‘Oh, great.’ She calls back, with a lamentable lack of enthusiasm.

  ‘Tell me a joke, Neville.’

  ‘What do you call a bunch of male politicians who are found bound and gagged in ladies’ underwear and high heels?’

  ‘I don’t know, what would you call a bunch of male politicians who are found bound and gagged in ladies’ underwear and high heels?’

  ‘Hardly a surprise.’