These Foolish Things: The Complete Boxset

by J Battle

  Anyway, back to the fun. N.F.)

  Chapter 24 Now, your Honour

  ‘Your Honour, if I can be allowed to address the court…as a representative of the victims of Millie’s crimes…against balance?’

  They’re all looking at me, and I’m feeling a little hot, and Millie looks angry.

  ‘Philippa Humphrey Chandler, this is most unusual, but the court will allow you a few moments of its time.’

  ‘Thank you, Your Honour. As the court has confirmed Millie’s guilt, I think…, I would ask the court to take action to remove the effects of Millie’s crimes, to prevent the serious loss of life that is in danger… of happening any minute now.’

  He’s just looking at me now, as if I’ve said something stupid. It all sounded OK to me. What do you think?

  ‘I think that perhaps you misunderstand the purpose of this court. This is a secular court and our remit is the trial and punishment of people who commit verifiable crimes. The actual correction of imbalances caused by those crimes is the responsibility of the Angels on a Pinhead Devotion, so you should address your concerns to them. Is there anything else we can help you with?’

  It was just as we expected, so time for plan B, and this time I already have one ready right up my sleeve.

  ‘In that case, Your Honour, can I ask, as a form of reparation for the victims of her crimes that Millie be instructed, as part of her sentence, to destroy the…offending…articles?’

  The judge-guy is discussing this with a couple of court officials, which has to be good.

  He's looking back at me now, and I can't tell if he's going to comply with my request or start laughing at me.

  'The court refers you to our previous answer.'

  So, that's a no then.

  Now, this is going to impress you, because I have a Plan C.

  'In that case, can I ask the court to specify that any…(what's that word?)… incarceration of the accused takes place on Earth? In the interest of natural justice (that last bit was my idea, all on my own).'

  The judge-guy is talking to the officials again, and this time they keep looking at Millie, who is looking at me with an I-know-what-you're-up-to look on her face; at least that's how I'm reading it.

  'You do realise that it is not an easy task to incarcerate a level 9 person? Nor is it cheap.'

  'Earth is prepared to cover the cost (I'm assuming that Neville cleared this with somebody before we left Earth, because I can't afford it) and we hope the court could provide whatever technology we would need.'

  One of the officials, who'd been doing something at his desk that I hadn't paid attention to, rushed back to have another chat with the judge-guy.

  'The court would like to comply with your request, in the interests of natural justice, as you said, and also because of the financial benefits.'

  That's great, I thought.

  'Unfortunately, we do not accept capital punishment for any crime.'

  'Nor do we, Your Honour.'

  'Placing the accused in prison on Earth, where there is a real threat of her death if Earth is destroyed, breaches our no capital punishment policy. Unless you have a solution to that problem?'

  I've got him now; hook, line and sinker.

  I'm fixing my eyes on Millie now, and she's not a pretty sight, but I want to see her face when I give the coup de grace.

  'I would refer the court to my original requests.'

  Chapter 25 Now, for a light romantic moment…

  (Now, I am giving you fair warning that there is a distinct chance of flesh on flesh contact here (or perhaps flesh on fur? What do I know?). You can be sure that I will handle any such intimacies with due propriety and no intent to offend. Of course, if you find Phil himself offensive, then there's not much I can do about that. He is what he is, for all that.

  If only I had something a little deeper, a little meatier to work with here. You just know that Phil is never going to say anything with more depth than 'mine's a pint of lager, please,' and any success he may have is all but mere happenstance.

  Now, take my Pixie-lord for an instance. He'd be a much more substantial main character, full of wit and vision, and a strength of mind that would put Phil to shame. Although, you could say the same about almost any five-year old child.

  But Lexicana, he is something special. He...

  What? You're looking away. Why? Are you not interested in the...

  I see; you're waiting for the flesh on flesh action. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Don't you have..., well, of course you don't have lives, otherwise why would you waste your time with these dreary tales?

  So, back to the story then? Are you sure? Are you really sure? Because there is so much...

  Alright, no need for the sneering looks, if you want him, here he is. You should be careful what you wish for; I'm just saying. Reluctantly yours. N. F.)

  I'm on a date, and I'm looking hot, even if I say so myself. These new muscles I have make all the difference. My shirt hangs just right, and these jeans are just packed full of me. How could anyone resist?

  Aely-lel doesn't look like she's planning to resist; not if my honed interrelationship instincts are as true as they used to be, in the days when they got a little more practice that they have of late.

  We had a nice meal of…something. It could have been animal, vegetable or mineral, but it didn't move and it was on a plate, and that was good enough for me. At least I managed to keep it down.

  Some alcohol has been taken by both of us. Just enough to encourage romance, but not enough to degrade the quality of the coming performance, if you know what I mean.

  Aely-lel is dancing, I think. She's moving sinuously between the tables and it seems to be in time to the light sprinkling of music that is playing in the background.

  I feel the urge to join her, but I'm holding back. I'll give her this moment in the limelight, before I get up and show her my moves.

  (I'm beginning to feel nauseous here. Does anyone mind if we skip to the moment of post-coital glow? I really don't want to get into all the messy, awkward where-does-this-go? details. Is that OK?

  No? You want full 3-D pornographic details? Does your mother know that's the sort of book you read? You should be ashamed of yourselves; really.

  I'm going to skip to the moment afterwards, and you can just close your eyes and imagine what they've just been up to, and be sure to wash your hands when you've finished.

  Now, back to the narrative. N.F.)

  Oh yes. That was…special

  That was, I don't know how to describe it. You know when you're playing football (the soccer variety; not the type that pretends to be rugby, only with body armor) and no-one on your team passes the ball to you because you're useless and they didn't want to pick you anyway, and you intercept a pass from the opposition by accident and miss-kick it and it goes looping through the air and into the opposition net?

  Well, it's better than that.

  I have to say, as a representative of the Human Race, and that's not always been a pleasant task for me, I think I held my own.

  I admit to being halted in my tracks, so to speak, when she first removed her clothing. But I was soon back in my stride and, you know, I didn't mind the extra breast, especially when I learned that all the fixtures and fittings down below worked just fine and were a perfect match for my set, just as Aely-lel is for me, and I for her.

  When this is all done and dusted, I'm coming back here and setting up home with her and I don't care what anyone says about that because that's what's going to happen. So there.

  Chapter 26 Now, you cannot be serious!

  ‘Before the court makes its final decision on my sentence, I would ask that I be allowed to present some new evidence to the court.’

  ‘It is a little late for mitigation,’ the judge-guy says.

  ‘Not in mitigation, your lordship. More in the area of sharing blame. For I am not the only one here who is guilty of Crimes Against Balance.’

  Suddenly it f
eels like everyone is looking at me. She can’t mean me, can she?

  Millie turns to look straight at me. The judge-guy does the same. The pink glistening creature that was sitting next to me has moved along a bit and now it’s also looking at me, with at least three of its stalky eyes.

  I look around in case the guilty party is right behind me, but no such luck.

  ‘Please continue,’ says judge-guy.

  A 3-D display appears at the front of the court, and I’m not happy about it at all, because it’s me on Greenhaven, and I’m taking a crowbar to the earth-rapers, and now it’s showing me being rescued by the marines, or whatever they were. And now it’s showing me on the Step World, with those enigmatic arm-swinging giants. Oh, I’ve just noticed, there’s a column to the right of the display and it showing half red and half black. I’ve no idea what it means.

  The display disappears.

  ‘So, your Highness, I believe that I have proven my case, and Philip Humphrey Chandler is guilty of Crimes Against Balance and therefore his testimony should be discounted.'

  I'm looking at the judge-guy, hoping that he'll start laughing and say, 'don't be silly', but he hasn't started yet. Instead he's consulting with his officials; he does a lot of that, I've noticed. Is it a delaying tactic, or is he just not very clever? I hope he'll be clever enough to see through Millie's trickery.

  I'm thinking about the display that Millie showed. How could anything I had done be described as a crime? I only stopped Millie from stealing Earth's most precious resource; how could that be bad? And I only said a few words to the giants before one threw me away. So that can't be something against balance, can it? I wish Neville was here to answer my questions with a positive spin, but all I've got is you and, I don't want to be rude or anything, but you haven't been much use so far, so I don't hold out much hope that you'll suddenly chip in with a helpful and pertinent suggestion.

  Please feel free to prove me wrong, any time now would be nice.

  No?

  Just me then?

  The judge-guy looks ready to speak now. He's waved away the officials and he's turning towards Millie. That's good, isn't it? In as far as he's not turning towards me.

  'Thank you for your presentation to the court. It was interesting and thought provoking. After due deliberation, the court finds that your accusations are spurious...'

  I want to stand up and cheer, but I'm not entirely sure what he means.

  '…and without merit.'

  Oh, this is beginning to sound good, I think.

  'Whilst the facts of the case presented are indisputable, and clearly show that Philippa Humphrey Chandler's actions did constitute a breach of Balance Protocols…'

  Oh no, this isn't sounding so good.

  '… the court finds no evidence of awareness of the consequence of his actions, and so guilt cannot be assigned.'

  Yes! That's good, isn't it? I always knew that never giving thought to the consequences of my actions was a great policy, despite my mother's opinions on the matter.

  'If the court will allow,' Millie is staring at me with all five eyes, 'I can provide proof of foreknowledge of the consequences of his actions that will convince the court of the worthiness of my argument.'

  How can she prove something that isn't true?

  I can hear Neville's voice in my head, 'She's a level 9, Philip. They can do almost anything they want to do.'

  The display is back, and now I'm in a room, with Julie and Sam, and I'm explaining to them exactly what I'm going to do, and I keep using the phrase 'against balance' as if it's nervous verbal tick I've just developed.

  It's obviously fake, because Sam isn't wearing a hat or face-paint, and Julie is shown pouring a cup of coffee and handing it to me, without a single sarcastic comment.

  Judge-guy has got his officials back, and they're all chattering away ten to the dozen, and Millie is looking at me, and I know she hasn't got a human face on at the moment, but that is definitely a smirk.

  Things are looking bad for me, I think, and I don't even know what that means. Will I be locked away for the rest of my natural, or will he just say 'don't be a naughty boy again'?

  The officials have stepped back, and if Neville was here I’d be asking for a squirt to safety, or a Knock-Knock joke.

  The judge-guy is just about to announce his judgement when there's a disturbance at the door and in comes Aely-lel.

  Obviously I'm pleased to see her, and she looks especially nice in her smart six-piece business suit, but I don't want her to get into trouble because of me, not unless it's absolutely necessary and the only way I can escape a life on the chain-gang.

  She's talking to the judge-guy, and he seems to be listening.

  It's been a couple of minutes now, and he's still listening, so whatever she's saying must be effective, and I don't think she's threatened him with a gun yet.

  Ah, here we go. She's turned away and she's walking towards me, and now she’s sitting with me, and she's holding hands with me, and I'm not sure if it's in a 'we’re going to be fine' sort of way, or if it's a 'these might be our last moments together' sort of way.

  The judge-guy is speaking now.

  'Certain timing irregularities have been brought to the court's attention which cast doubt on the veracity of the evidence just presented.'

  That sounds good. I give Aely-lel’s furry hand a squeeze.

  ‘The time-stamp on the recording you have just presented indicates that these statements were made six days (if my NF was getting this directly he would have explained that when he says days, he doesn’t mean 24 hours like we would, and if he mentions hours, he won’t mean a period of 60 minutes, and when he mentions minutes…you get the gist. I just thought I’d clear that up for you) before Philippa Humphrey Chandler attacked your harvesters with…a crowbar, it seems. How very primitive of him. But your earlier evidence suggests that he did not know about the harvesters until a few hours before his attack on your property.’

  ‘Perhaps there was a little confusion here about time zones and temporal shifts. Let me explain…’

  ‘No. I don’t think that will be at all necessary. I think the court has a very good idea about what is going on here, and I would say that the court is offended at this attempt to deceive and avoid the consequences of your actions. The court therefore dismisses all charges against Philippa Humphrey Chandler…’

  I think I’ve got most of that and it sounds pretty good.

  ‘…and concedes to his unusual, but heartfelt request to have you ‘right your wrongs’.

  ‘But…’

  ‘Excuse me, but the court has not finished speaking. This action will be considered as 50% of your sentence. The remaining portion will be fulfilled by a life-time ban on the holding of any senior religious office.’

  Millie makes no response. She simply turns her head away and closes her eyes as she feels the weight of the crushing blow of his simple words. No more could she think of becoming the Lord High Fulcrum of the Angels on a Pinhead Devotion. The hope that had driven all of her actions since she was squag (that’s like a puppy, but not as cute) is no more. Of course I‘m guessing all this, but I think I’m pretty close,

  I turn to Aely-lel, because watching Millie is making me feel sad, or nauseous; I’m not entirely sure which.

  ‘What did you say him, to make him throw out that last bit of evidence?’

  ‘Well, of course the time error was what made the difference, but he was always my favourite student.’

  I look at the old guy behind the desk.

  ‘Teacher, I think you mean.’

  ‘No, he was a student of mine, when he was much younger, of course.’

  ‘But…’

  I look at my beautiful girlfriend and I think, ‘well how old must you be then?’ But, you know, I don’t care how old she is. She’s beautiful and clever, and she wants to hold my hand.

  In what universe would that not be enough for me?

  Chapter 27 Now, at last the he
ro (again!)

  I’m in a long crystal cylinder with flashing purple and yellow lights running up and down its length in a sequence that is making me feel sick.

  There’s a row of seats extending the length of the interior, and they’re all different sizes tailored to whatever strange alien bottom might be sitting on them.

  Millie’s at the front, and I’m at the back. Not because these are human bottom friendly seats; they’re not; they slope and are lumpy, and so high that, if I fall off, I’ll hurt myself. No, the reason I’m sitting here is because Millie won’t change back into a little girl, and, quite frankly, superb flotation sacs or not, she is hideous, and, not to be too blunt or to put too fine a point on it, she stinks.

  Still it’s not too bad. The boys are back, so I’ve got Neville to give me the advice you wouldn’t, and my N. F. is getting the upload direct(Yeah! And I’m just so pleased about it. N.F.)

  ‘How long ‘till we get there?’ I ask, because I’m not sure how long I can stay on this seat.

  Millie snorts, which isn’t big or clever, or at all helpful.

  ‘Judging from the data I’m getting from the ship’s systems, it should be no more than 14 years.’

  ‘14 years! That’s redic—’

  ‘Did I say years? Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I meant to say minutes.’

  It’s so good to have him back. I asked him a little earlier to squirt me from one end of the spaceship to the other, just for a laugh, but he wouldn’t.

  ‘This is not a time for such flippancy, Philip,’ he answered.

  So; he’s still a spoilsport, but he’s my spoilsport.

  ‘How are we going to do this?’ I call out.