In Deep

by Brenda Rothert

  I knew it was true, but I wanted him to say, ‘Maybe not yet’ or ‘Maybe in time’, or ‘I think I might’. There were so many things he could have said to lessen the ache in my heart.

  But he just nodded, quiet for what felt like the longest few seconds of my life.

  “April . . . I’m sorry.”

  He was avoiding my gaze, staring off at nothing. And I couldn’t help letting the anger and hurt boil over.

  “I don’t want your apology or your pity. I just want you to go.”

  “Go? You want me to leave the house?”

  I crossed my arms, forcing myself not to cry. I would not let him see me cry again.

  “Colton’s not a threat anymore. There’s no reason for you to be here.”

  A flicker of hurt passed over his face and I felt a small measure of satisfaction. If I was cut open and bleeding inside, he at least deserved a scratch.

  “So that’s it?” he said bitterly. “We’re done?”

  “I have to be done, Mason. Sex and love are intertwined for me.”

  “What if we don’t have sex anymore?”

  I scoffed at the suggestion. “What, back to being just dance partners?”

  “What the hell brought this on? I feel blindsided here.”

  “Yeah, me too. I was doing fine until you came along.”

  He shook his head, a predatory gleam in his narrowed eyes. “I’m good for you, April, and we both know it.”

  “Well, apparently I’m not good for you.”

  “What, because I’m not in love with you? I told you before I ever touched you that I closed that door a long time ago.”

  I covered the distance between us, wanting to hit someone for the first time in my life.

  “Get out! Go back to your life of beating guys up and having mindless sex with whores!”

  He leaned down, his face just inches from mine. “You wanted to be my whore yesterday.”

  I recoiled, my tears spilling over. “You’re an asshole. I hate you right now. Get. Out.”

  “I’ll send my brother over for my stuff tomorrow,” he said, turning and walking out the door.

  I took a deep breath, wondering what the hell had just happened. I needed to talk to Ivy. But first, I needed to clear my head with a good cry in bed.

  BALLROOM DANCE MUSIC FILTERED out of Miss Dee Dee’s Dance Depot. Usually on Tuesday evenings I was inside with April. But this week I sat alone on the depot’s steps, hoping she was just running late.

  It was stupid to think she’d show up after the things I’d said to her. She probably never wanted to see me again. But I was holding on to hope; still wishing I could kick my own ass for being such a dick to her.

  When the music stopped and people from class started coming out of the depot, I stood and blew out a breath. So much for that.

  “Uncle Mason,” Noah called, running my way.

  “Hey, Noah. How’s it going?”

  “Why weren’t you dancing too? Where’s April?”

  “I guess she couldn’t make it tonight.”

  He narrowed his eyes skeptically. “Did you make her mad?”

  Reed approached and picked Noah up. Ivy was lingering behind him, probably pissed at me, too.

  “I don’t know, buddy,” I said to Noah. “I might have.”

  “You should buy her a present,” he said. “Like a necklace or something.”

  “Think so?” I couldn’t help grinning at him.

  “That’s what my dad did,” he said, looking at Reed.

  “One time,” Reed said with a sheepish grin. “Your mom doesn’t get mad at me much.”

  I felt fresh admiration for my brother. Reed was younger than me, but he’d stepped up in all the right ways after meeting Ivy. And now he was a dad to a boy who was his in every way but the biological one. I’d never seen him so happy.

  He put Noah down. Noah ran to Ivy and they walked back into the depot.

  Reed crossed his arms and gave me a pointed look. “What’d you do?”

  I scowled at him. “You assume it was my fault?”

  “Ivy’s pissed at you, so yeah.”

  “Did April talk to her about things with us?”

  “I didn’t ask, and she didn’t tell me.”

  I exhaled and scrubbed a hand down my face. “I’m here, right? I’m trying.”

  “Did you apologize?”

  “I would’ve. If she’d showed up.”

  Reed gave me a disgusted look. “She’s not gonna show up ‘til you apologize, dumbass.”

  “I was an asshole.”

  “You’ve got a gift for it, that’s for sure.”

  I glared at him. “Fuck you. Thanks for kicking me when I’m down.”

  “What do you want? You wanna talk about it? We can go get a beer.”

  “I’d rather box. Not talk, just spar.”

  He shrugged. “Alright. Meet up at the gym in half an hour?”

  I nodded and headed for my car. As soon as I was in the driver’s seat, I got out my phone, hoping I’d missed a call or text from April.

  I hadn’t.

  I wrote her a message.

  Me: Missed you tonight. I’m sorry.

  I went to the gym, punching a bag until Reed showed up. Then we sparred for almost an hour. I was drenched with sweat after burning off some of my fire.

  “Thanks, man,” I said, clapping him on the shoulder.

  “We can still get that beer.”

  I shook my head. “I’m going home. Can you get my stuff from Grieves House tomorrow and bring it to me?”

  “She won’t even let you in to get your stuff? You really fucked up, didn’t you? And what about Colton?”

  “Taken care of.” I met his probing gaze. “Just get my stuff.”

  He nodded. I wiped my sweat away with a towel on my way to the car, preferring to shower at home. When I was in a mood, I needed to either be alone or fight. And I was definitely in a mood. I had been since April had shut us down.

  I hadn’t been upended by a woman since Daphne. The bitterness and anger were the same as they’d been nine years ago. Only this time, I had no one to be pissed at but myself.

  SPRING WAS AROUND THE corner. Knowing that made up for the soggy, muddy mess that was March in Missouri. Ivy and I sat in lounge chairs on the patio at Grieves House on an uncharacteristically mild, dry day for this month. The sunshine and promise of spring’s rebirth of nature made me feel a fraction better than just working in the kitchen and staying in bed had for the past few days.

  “Have you heard from him?” Ivy asked.

  “Just some texts.”

  “Remorseful ones?”

  I shrugged. “Yeah.”

  “He should be on his knees on the front porch begging your forgiveness for calling you a whore.”

  “I shouldn’t have told you that.”

  She turned to face me. “Why not? He said it.”

  “It’s just . . . the sex between us was kind of dirty. And I liked it. I did kind of act like his whore.”

  “I doubt that,” Ivy said.

  I gave her a pointed look. “We snuck off at the Thorncrest dinner party and I gave him a blow job in the library and then he bent me over the couch and—”

  “April!”

  She gaped at me with a mixture of shock and awe.

  “Yeah. That happened,” I said.

  “Wow. And . . . you liked it?”

  “That’s an understatement. I’ve never had sex like I had with him.”

  “Want more iced tea?” She picked up my empty glass and gave me a questioning look.

  “I’ll come in with you. I want to bake some cookies.”

  “More? There are like ten dozen bagged up on the kitchen counters.”

  “They freeze,” I said a little too sharply.

  “Okay.”

  “It’s my therapy,” I admitted.

  “Whatever works. I’ll take some home with me if you don’t mind. Noah loves chocolate chip cookies.”


  The doorbell chimed and we looked at each other. It was afternoon and the girls were still in school. It was all I could do to make conversation with Ivy, and she was my best friend. The last thing I felt like was making polite chitchat with someone.

  “Hopefully it’s just a delivery,” I grumbled as I approached the door.

  I opened it and stared in silence for a couple seconds.

  “Alyssa?”

  My sister was at Grieves House? I couldn’t even think the words without adding a mental question mark.

  “Hi, April,” she said.

  “Hey.” I shook away my surprise and reached out to hug her. “You’re here. It’s so great to see you.”

  “I’m sorry for just dropping in,” she said. “I was on the way to Chicago for a work thing, and then it got cancelled at the last minute, and I just decided to rent a car and come see you.”

  She was beautiful as always, but she looked older and more put together than I remembered. Her hair was a light shade of honey and it was straight and shiny. Growing up, I’d envied her hair as I battled my curls. Our eyes were the same shade of hazel, but Alyssa had the tall, toned body of a woman who exercised religiously.

  “You look great,” I said, a sentimental wave washing over me. “Come in.”

  I introduced Alyssa to Ivy and they hugged, too.

  “You’ll stay a few days, I hope?” Ivy said. “You can stay here, of course, there are several rooms open.”

  Alyssa looked at me, seeming to wonder what I thought about that.

  “I’d love it if you would,” I said. “It’s been way too long since we’ve spent time together.”

  She nodded slowly. “I can cancel some stuff. I’d love to stay a few days.”

  My phone beeped from its spot on the kitchen counter and I walked over and picked it up. It was a text from Mason, and not the first one he’d sent since the last time I’d checked my phone.

  Mason: I’m sorry.

  Mason: Can we talk?

  Mason: I was an asshole. I’m so sorry.

  Mason: I’m going to Boston. Please text back.

  I closed my eyes, willing away the urge to text back. He was going to Bellator. He’d told me he went there to escape feeling. I only wished I knew what he was feeling right now.

  “You okay?” Alyssa asked.

  I smiled weakly. “Yeah. Just stuff with a guy I was . . . seeing.”

  “Are you sure this is a good time for me to be here? I should’ve called.”

  “It’s a great time. I could use the company.”

  Ivy picked up her purse and a bag of cookies from the kitchen counter.

  “I need to go get Noah,” she said. “Why don’t we all go out Friday night? You guys and me and Reed. Austin and Hannah, too. And . . . anyone else you want to ask.”

  “Mason’s going out of town,” I said. “Not that I want to be around him, anyway.”

  Ivy gave me a hug and I added a loaf of banana bread to the bag of cookies in her hand. She was right, I’d prepared a ridiculous amount of baked goods. I was glad Alyssa was here. Hopefully I could get my mind off of stress baking and onto catching up with my sister.

  BY THE TIME I saw the hit coming, it was too late. I took a hard punch to my temple that knocked me on my ass. My vision was clouded as I raised my head from the mat to look around, vaguely aware of the ref and the shouts from the onlookers.

  Too dizzy. I could do nothing but collapse back down on the mat.

  I was sluggish, but I was aware enough to know that my reactions had been delayed since my first fight this morning. I’d barely pulled that one out, and now I’d been eliminated in my second round. It was the earliest I’d ever been defeated.

  But how the hell could I focus on fighting when I was looking at my phone every few minutes to see if April had texted? I’d thought coming here would help me escape my feelings, but they’d only gotten more intense. April was my weakness.

  My opponent, a beast who was about my size but younger, helped me to a sitting position.

  “Good fight, man,” I mumbled.

  “Yeah, you too.”

  I made my way to the locker room, where I stared at my reflection in the mirror above a sink. My black eye and bruised cheekbone matched the way I felt on the inside. Beaten.

  I sat down on a bench and texted April again.

  Me: If you love me, why are you ignoring me?

  I was behaving like a Grade A pussy and I wasn’t too proud to admit it. For her, I’d grovel any day, anytime.

  Finally, a few minutes later, she responded.

  April: I don’t know what to say.

  Me: Anything.

  April: I’m still hurting.

  I’d have rather been punched in the face again than read those words. It was so damn hard for me to deal with feelings. Not just my own, but anyone else’s, too.

  Me: I’m sorry.

  April: I didn’t mean to fall in love with you.

  Surprisingly, that one stung a lot.

  Me: I’m glad you did.

  April: Really? You’re pretty much saying you’re glad my heart is broken.

  Me: I’m not. We need to talk in person. I’m done with my fights here. I can book you a ticket to Boston and pick you up at the airport. Will you come?

  A minute passed. I was a sweaty mess with blood stains on my forearms, but I couldn’t get in the shower. I stared at the screen of my phone, knowing she was on the other end thinking, that little crease making an appearance between her brows.

  April: That’s not a good idea.

  My heart sank. I let out a frustrated exhale and wrote back.

  Me: Please come. I need to see you.

  April: I need some time. Also, my sister came to visit unexpectedly yesterday. I can’t ditch her.

  I couldn’t argue with that. She didn’t have much family, and she hadn’t seen her sister in a long time.

  Me: Okay. I miss you.

  I wanted her to say she missed me, too. She meant more to me than I’d ever expected. It couldn’t be over with us. I’d fucked things up badly, but this couldn’t be the end.

  Setting my phone down on the bench, I went to a shower stall and turned it on. I undressed and stepped under the steaming jets of water, still thinking about April.

  I’d never said ‘I miss you’ to a woman. Probably because I’d never felt that way before. Did she even realize how hard I was trying? It was impossible to show her how I felt over the phone. I’d have to go home and do it in person.

  I STEPPED BACK AND examined the eye makeup I’d just applied.

  Not too bad for a woman who hasn’t gone out on a Friday night in forever.

  “Lemme see,” Alyssa said. I turned to her and she smiled with approval.

  I’d really enjoyed having her here over the past couple of days. We’d talked a lot about our childhood and she’d told me about her work at Mom and Dad’s company. They were doing well but were still completely wrapped up in their work, devoting little time to anything else. She confided in me that she’d only taken the job with them so she could spend more time with them, but it hadn’t worked as planned.

  Alyssa had mellowed with time. My wild child little sister was more like me now. She’d bought a house and was taking college classes online, working toward an Art degree.

  “Why aren’t you dating anyone?” I asked. “You’ve got it all going on.”

  “I dated someone for a little over a year, but we broke up right before Christmas.”

  “How come?”

  She shrugged. “Mostly because I was crazy busy with work. He got tired of always waiting for me and feeling like he was my second choice.”

  “You don’t sound too broken up about it.”

  “I’m not,” she admitted. “It was nice to see someone when I wasn’t traveling for work, but it wasn’t as serious for me as it was for him.”

  “Maybe you’ll meet a nice Lovely guy when we go out tonight.”

  She laughed, her nose wrinkling
the same way mine did when I laughed. “The whole ‘Lovely’ thing feels so feminine.”

  “It’s the town’s name.”

  “I know. And it’s fitting. This really is a beautiful place to make a home.”

  “I’m happy here,” I said. “Overall, I mean. This whole thing with Mason kind of caught me off guard.”

  “That’s good for you, though. You can’t pencil love into an appointment book.”

  I was about to answer her when Ivy opened the bathroom door. “You guys ready? I think Reed just pulled up.”

  We’d all decided to get ready at Grieves House for our night out together, and Ivy had been the first one to finish. Alyssa and I came up from the basement bathroom and I realized on the way up the stairs that I needed this night out. I had to find a way to get my mind off Mason somehow and, so far, nothing was working.

  I walked into the kitchen, stopping abruptly when I looked up and my gaze locked with Mason’s. My heart leapt out of my chest. He had a black eye, red marks all over one cheek and a tortured swirl of sadness in his eyes.

  “Hi,” he said softly.

  “You’re back.”

  “I needed to see you.”

  Ivy and Alyssa exchanged a look and tried to discreetly make their way out of the kitchen.

  “You guys . . . don’t go,” I said, forcing myself to look at Mason even though looking at him hurt so bad. “We were just getting ready to go out. Reed’s picking us up.”

  “Actually I texted him a little while ago to say that we’d meet him there,” Ivy said. “I figured I could drive the three of us. He’s already there with Austin and Hannah.”

  “I can drive you guys,” Mason said.

  Everyone looked at me for approval of the idea, so I nodded my agreement.

  “Alyssa, I’m Mason,” he said, walking over to my sister and shaking her hand.

  “Hi.” She stared up at him and I couldn’t help smiling. Was she wondering why he’d been in a fight? Taken aback by his height? Or just stunned that her bookish sister had managed to get with a man like him?

  The drive to Morrie’s Tap in downtown Lovely was beyond awkward. I’d slid into the backseat beside Alyssa, and Ivy had taken the passenger seat. We all rode in silence, looking straight ahead, except Mason, who kept glancing at me in the rearview mirror every few seconds.