She paused. Ryan thought she might be finished, but she resumed. “We drove for a long time. When we stopped they made me get out of the car and took me into a concrete building. They put me in a cell with a cot and a toilet. The door had bars; they closed and locked it. Nobody told me why I was there. Although I knew, of course. I was illegal. I didn’t belong in America. Nobody wanted me.”
I want you, Ryan longed to say, but he bit back the words. This wasn’t about him, it was about Juanita. About the trauma she’d suffered. He would get this right if it killed him. He would open his heart and take in the experiences she was trusting him with. He would sit here like a rock and endure all the anguish she was pouring into him, strong and solid the way she needed him to be. He would absorb her distress without letting her see how much it hurt him to see her in pain.
Her breath rose and fell a few times before she continued. “After a few hours they put me in a van and drove me to a courthouse. They took me to a big courtroom and sat me down with a bunch of other people, but they wouldn’t let us talk to each other. A judge came out and told us that the government had proof we weren’t citizens or legal residents, that we’d admitted it when we filed our DACA applications. He asked us if we had any evidence to the contrary. One by one they gave us a chance to answer. When it was my turn, there was nothing I could say. It was true. To qualify for DACA, I had to confirm that I had no legal status. The instructions on the application said they wouldn’t turn the information over to Immigration, but they also said that policy could change at any time. It was the same for all the others. The judge told us he was issuing orders for us to be removed from the United States, effective immediately.”
She sucked in a deep breath. “They split us up according to where our families had come from. Most of the others from Mexico came from towns near the border, but a few of us were from farther south. They took us to the airport and put us on a plane. After we landed, they put us in a van and drove us into the city, then let us out and drove away. I had my wallet with a little cash and my credit card, and my phone, and the clothes I was wearing when they arrested me, but that was all. We talked to people on the street and got directions to a shelter that helped people who’d been deported. I stayed there for a few weeks. The others eventually found relatives who were willing to take them in, but neither Mom or Dad had anyone left in Mexico I could contact.
“Mom mailed me my birth certificate, which let me get an ID and a work permit. I found a job at a souvenir shop, because I could speak English to the tourists. I couldn’t speak much Spanish. Mom and Dad started learning English as soon as they came to the United States. I never remember them speaking anything else. Even when I got older and asked them to teach me Spanish, they refused. They wanted me and Carmen to be Americans, not Mexicans. It was fine for her. But nothing they could do could change where I was born. It didn’t matter how much I wanted to be an American or how much I felt like one or acted like one. I wasn’t.”
She was breathing easier now. Ryan prepared to release her if she pulled away, but she didn’t. She moved a hand to his chest and stirred his hair with her fingers. Her voice firmed. “So I decided to become a Mexican. I memorized words and talked to people, no matter how badly I mangled the grammar. I listened when they corrected me and tried to figure out the rules. I worked hard to sell stuff to the tourists, even though most of what we carried was crappy. I bought the cheapest TV I could find and watched it for hours, trying to understand what they were saying. I got my phone set up with a local provider and changed all the settings to Spanish. It was hard, but I was doing it. I would have been okay.”
She looked up at Ryan, half expectant, half defiant. He cleared his throat. “Of course you would have.”
She nodded decisively. But then she looked down again. “Then last week Carmen called and told me about Mom’s test results. The doctors always said there was a chance her cancer would come back. It was already Stage 4 when they caught it the first time. Now it’s in her bones. Apparently surgery and chemo won’t do any good, so they’re not going to bother. I’m glad. Mom was so sick and miserable last time. She said it was worth it to have more time with us. And she’s had nine good years, so I guess she’s not sorry. But I know she’d rather enjoy whatever time she’s got left instead of going through that again.”
Ryan nodded. He wanted to say something about his grandfather’s treatment for colon cancer, but he held his tongue. It didn’t compare. Ryan had only been peripherally involved, mostly getting reports from his mother. And Granddaddy Greene was still going strong twelve years later.
Juanita sighed and settled more firmly against him. “Thank you for listening. I haven’t had anyone I could talk to about all this. I mean, there was Carmen, but talking on the phone isn’t the same, you know? And I didn’t want to burden her or Mom with my problems when there was nothing they could do about them.”
Ryan’s voice roughened despite all his efforts. “I hope it helped. Any time you need to talk more, I’m here. Although I’ll try not to ask nosy questions in the future.”
She shrugged, her body moving against his. “I don’t mind. I wanted you to know. And it did help. A lot. I feel much better now.” She laid her head on his chest and wrapped her arms around him.
Ryan closed his arms around her and rested his cheek on the top of her head. The hot tub bubbled gently around them. Overhead the stars were coming out. Other people moved around the deck, their soft voices occasionally reaching Ryan, but none of them entered the tub. Ryan was starting to get hungry, but he ignored it. Eventually they’d have to return to their room and get ready for supper, but not yet. He never wanted this moment to end. He would be perfectly happy if he could sit here holding Juanita for all eternity.
Maybe she felt something similar, because she didn’t move for a long time. Finally, though, she pulled back a little, straightening. Ryan let her go, wistful but content. He was looking forward to sharing another luxurious dinner and watching her reactions to tonight’s show. Maybe afterwards they’d check out the comedian’s show and see if he was any—
Juanita stroked his cheek. Her dark eyes met his, her expression serious and intent. For a long moment they gazed at each other. Then Juanita leaned forward and pressed her mouth to his.
Ryan couldn’t think, only react. He opened his mouth to Juanita’s insistent demands, and her tongue tangled with his. One of her hands cupped the back of his neck and drew him tighter to her. The other kneaded his shoulder and roamed his chest. His hands slid over the bare skin of her back, reaching up to caress her neck and shoulders and down to wander her waist and hips.
Even in his haze of pleasure and desire, though, he stopped when his fingers touched the fabric of her suit. Much as he wanted to feel her firm buttocks cupped in his palms, he wasn’t going to cross that line. Instead he slid his hands back up the long, sleek sweep of her body. She moaned and plastered herself tighter to him, pressing her breasts into his chest and wrapping a leg over his thigh. Her mouth devoured him and her hands stroked him, igniting flames wherever they traveled.
After a long time, but long before Ryan was ready, Juanita’s hands slowed and her mouth softened. She lingered for a while, but eventually drew back, letting her hands trail lightly across his chest before pulling them away. She didn’t say anything, just lay back against the side of the tub and closed her eyes, panting.
Ryan slid deeper into the water, letting its heat close over his head before surfacing and sluicing the water from his face with his hands. He was achingly erect, the tented fabric of his trunks making it embarrassingly obvious. But for all her wanton abandon, Juanita hadn’t crossed the line, either. She’d kept her hands north of his waistband and her body carefully to the side. She’d rubbed her breasts against him but hadn’t guided his hands to them. So it was pretty clear where her boundaries lay. She wanted to make out, but that was all. For now, at least.
Ryan cut that thought short. He had no reason to think her desires would
change. No right to hope they would, and no cause to fear they might. She might not even want to repeat what they’d just done. This might have been only a release of the emotions aroused by voicing her traumatic experiences. Now that she’d gotten them out of her system, she might be embarrassed or even ashamed by her actions.
He needed to accept what she’d given him for the incredible experience it had been, without giving her any hint he expected or wanted more. He needed to be content with what they’d enjoyed and not poison their relationship with longing for anything else. He valued her trust too much for that. Her company and conversation were far too precious to risk losing because of sexual awkwardness.
So he’d better concentrate on cooling his body’s over-enthusiasm if he wanted to be able to get out of the water without embarrassing both of them as well as everyone else in the vicinity. He turned his thoughts to the least sexy subject he could think of, the mundane details of the projects that would demand his attention when he returned to the office.
By the time she opened her eyes and turned to him with a smile that was both tender and rueful, his erection had subsided enough that it was safe to grin and offer her a hand. “We’d better head to our room if we want to make it to supper on time.”
“Yeah. I need to wash the chlorine out of my hair or it will turn green.” Juanita accepted his hand and let him draw her to her feet, then released it to steady herself on the handrails as she climbed the steps out of the hot tub. Ryan averted his eyes from her smoothly swaying bikini-clad backside before all his hard work was undone. He’d better turn the water in his shower all the way to cold so he wouldn’t have to be constantly adjusting his trousers all evening.
They wrapped themselves in their towels and headed for the elevators. Juanita slipped her hand into his. But she kept a little distance between them, even when they were alone in the elevator, and spoke only of their plans for the rest of the evening. Ryan followed her lead and didn’t mention what had happened. By the time they reached their room and he waited on the balcony while Juanita showered, he could almost believe he’d imagined the whole thing.
CHAPTER 10
What the hell had come over her?
Juanita tried to keep her attention on the comedian, who was pretty funny, if a little too raunchy for her tastes. But her thoughts kept drifting back to those amazing minutes in Ryan’s arms. She’d floated, buoyed up by the warm, bubbly water, his skin slick beneath her hands and his body hard against hers, his mouth and lips and tongue doing magical things to her insides with every movement, his roaming hands driving her to dizzying heights of pleasure and need.
She’d known he was just as aroused as she was. She’d longed to slide her hand inside his swim trunks and stroke the long, hard shaft of his penis. She’d wanted his hands to cup her breasts and his thumbs to tease her nipples. She’d ached to straddle him and take him into herself. She would never have gone that far in public, of course. But she might have let her fingers wander to intimate places, safely concealed by the foamy water.
But he’d refrained from moving beyond a certain point, so she had, too. She didn’t think he’d refuse her if she asked for sex, but she didn’t want to push him into it, either. She didn’t want his indulgence. She didn’t want him to agree just to make her happy, against his own inclinations. She certainly didn’t want to rope him into any unwanted entanglement after the cruise was over.
But even though she’d never done such a thing before, she’d be willing to consider a short fling, as long as it was mutual. The next few days and nights could be a lovely idyll of shared pleasure if he felt even half of what she did.
But she wasn’t sure he did. He’d responded to her advance, but what guy wouldn’t if a girl started making out with him? That didn’t mean he would have ever looked at her twice if they hadn’t been thrown together by her predicament. Sure, he was kind and generous and had listened with admirable patience while she dumped her load of baggage in his lap, but that didn’t mean he was attracted to her. Maybe the kisses that had sent unprecedented heat blazing through her had been nothing special to him. Maybe that’s how every woman reacted to his touch. Maybe to him she seemed pitiful and needy. If he did consent to give her what she longed for, maybe it would only be out of compassion.
Maybe after a few more kisses like that, she wouldn’t care.
Laughter rippled through the audience. Juanita joined in, although she’d been so lost in thought she hadn’t heard the punchline. From the way Ryan was chuckling, he was enjoying the show. She’d stay as long as he was having a good time, although she’d have preferred to go back to the piano bar.
Dinner had been as wonderful as the first night. Nancy and Dave had regaled them with tales of their day in Belize. She liked the older couple a lot. They were lucky to have gotten them as dinner partners. Juanita had ordered a chilled strawberry soup for her appetizer. It had been odd but yummy. She and Ryan had traded bites of her chicken and his pasta, both of which were delicious. For dessert they’d each ordered their own melt-in-your-mouth cake. She’d missed sharing with him, but she’d enjoyed having a full portion to herself.
The show afterward had been fine, but she hadn’t enjoyed it as much as the first. The theme was country music, which had never been her favorite, so she wasn’t familiar with most of the songs. When Ryan had suggested they sample the late-night comedy show, she’d willingly agreed. Undoubtedly she would enjoy it if she quit letting her thoughts wander and paid attention.
Another gale of laughter told her she’d missed another joke. Ryan glanced at her, his grin fading as he realized she wasn’t laughing. He leaned close. “Want to go somewhere else?” he asked in an undertone as the comedian started talking again.
She shrugged. “I’m fine.”
He studied her for a minute, frowning, then turned back to the front. But his brow stayed creased, until it abruptly smoothed out. He leaned over and reached for a menu lying on the next table. “I almost forgot,” he murmured in her ear. “I owe you a drink. And one for me, too.” He flipped open the menu and displayed the list of choices to her, holding it so he could scan them as well.
Juanita’s mouth watered as she read the enticing descriptions. Finally she settled on a frozen concoction of rum and vodka and about seven different fruit juices. Ryan chose something similar. He rose and made his way down the aisle and across the room to the bar to place their order.
Juanita took the opportunity to focus on the comedian. His jokes were pretty good when she listened to them. She was giggling, her face hot, at a hilarious but particularly off-color comment when Ryan returned, bearing a tall glass in each hand.
He raised his eyebrows. “I’m surprised you knew what that one meant.”
“Just because I choose not to use the words myself doesn’t mean I don’t understand them.” Juanita accepted her drink and sipped it. The tart, icy liquid cooled her mouth and slid down her throat. “Mmm.” A few swallows later the alcohol kicked in, sending warmth radiating through her body. “This is great.”
“Mine, too.” Ryan’s drink was an improbable shade of blue, with creamy white streaks swirled through it and a big dollop of whipped cream on top. He slurped a generous mouthful through the straw and sighed in appreciation.
“Let me taste.” Juanita leaned over to take a drink, offering Ryan hers in exchange. His had a nice coconut flavor, but overall she preferred hers. “Not bad, but I like mine better.”
“And I prefer mine, so it looks like we both chose well.” Ryan clinked his glass against hers. “Here’s to a great game of miniature golf.”
She drank, looking over her glass at him. After she lowered it, she said, “How about a rematch tomorrow?”
“I’m game.” He took another long slurp, studying her thoughtfully. Just when she was uneasily wondering what he was thinking, he glanced away. “Although there’s something I want to do first thing in the morning. Why don’t you take the opportunity to sleep late and order room service for br
eakfast while I take care of it? I’ll be back in time for another game before lunch.”
“Um, all right, I guess.” What could he possibly need to do, and why wasn’t he telling her? Juanita tried to keep her voice casual. “You’re not going to let me know what this mysterious errand is?”
“I’ll tell you afterward. Don’t worry. It’s not a big deal.” He made a dismissive gesture and returned his attention to the comedian.
Of course, that only made Juanita more curious, but after wracking her brain for several minutes trying to come up with possibilities, she gave up. She’d just have to wait until he was ready to reveal the secret.
The show wound to a close. The comedian had saved his best jokes for last, so laughter and applause swept the room as he bowed and left the stage. Juanita and Ryan joined the crowd spilling out of the club.
They passed the piano bar, but it was letting out, too. Juanita still had a pleasant buzz from her drink. She felt light and floaty and warm, sleepy but not yet ready for bed. She tugged Ryan through the door onto the deck. The ship had been underway for several hours. The coast of Central America was visible on the western horizon, a jagged line of mountains a shade darker than the moonlit sky. Far across the water, golden lights revealed the tiny shape of another cruise ship. Stars blazed overhead, some of them washed out by the glare of the bright half-moon, but the rest strewn in thick irregular patches across the sky.
Juanita pointed as they strolled along the deck. “There’s Orion.” She laughed self-consciously. “That and the Big Dipper are the only constellations I know how to find.” She scanned the sky. “I don’t see the Dipper now, though.”
“It’s on the other side of the ship, to the north. We can go around and look for it if you want. But let me show you something first.” Ryan led her to the rail, out of the path of the handful of other passengers walking by. He stood behind her and pointed up. “See Orion’s belt? Follow it down to the left and keep going until you get to a very bright star.”
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