Juanita wanted desperately to believe him. She knew he thought he was telling the truth. But there was too big a chance he was fooling himself. She couldn’t let him fool her, too. If all he cared about was her happiness without equal concern for his own, he’d say whatever he thought she wanted to hear. If she let him convince her, it might work out for a while, but a day would come in the not-too-distant future when he’d realize the truth. When he’d discover he was miserable, trapped in a relationship where he was always giving, which offered him nothing in return. Then they’d both end up getting hurt, far more than if she put a swift end to it now.
She fought to keep her voice from trembling. “I’m sorry. But I can’t take the risk. If I could go back in time and tell Carmen not to get you involved, I would. But since that’s impossible, we’re just going to have to make the best of it for three more days. I’ll keep my distance as much as I can, so it’s as easy as possible on both of us.”
“Damn it, Juanita, don’t do this to me.” Ryan grabbed her by the shoulders. He dragged her close and his mouth descended on hers. Passion and fear and need drove his lips and tongue. Juanita drank him in, yearning to accept everything he offered. Almost, almost she could believe it was real…
She tore herself from his grasp. “I’m sorry,” she said again. “I don’t have any choice.”
She whirled and fled down the trail, not slowing until she got to the paved path and her haste drew curious looks from the people making their way back to the ship. She fell in with them, striding as quickly as she could without attracting attention. When she finally glanced back, just before rounding a curve that would cut off the overlook from her sight, he was still standing by the swing.
She continued along the path and down the concrete pier to the ship. A long line waited to cross the gangway. She fell in at the end. By the time she reached the front, he still hadn’t appeared. She barely noticed when the cruise line employee scanned her card. What if he waited too long and the ship sailed without him?
She forced herself to walk to the elevators without looking back. If he did, that was his problem, not hers. Both of them were adults and could take care of themselves. She entered the first elevator that arrived, rode up to the tenth floor, and made her way through the corridors to their room. She’d take a shower and get dressed. If he didn’t show up by suppertime, she’d go to the dining room alone and make up something to tell Nancy and Dave.
She didn’t need him. She never would. No matter how much it hurt to leave him behind.
CHAPTER 13
O nly after he was sure Juanita must have made it back aboard the ship did Ryan abandon the swing and walk with dragging steps along the path, across the plaza, and down to the pier. He was among the final stragglers to cross the gangway. Two cruise line employees had their heads together as one of them scanned his card, discussing whether or not they’d have to chase the handful of missing passengers down. Despite all the stern warnings about leaving people behind in port if they weren’t back on time, Ryan was pretty sure they seldom did. It would cause too much negative publicity to do as anything but a last resort.
With his nearly dry suit and the t-shirt he’d retrieved from his bag, he blended in with the crowds wandering the corridors. He’d stay away from their room until the last possible moment. If he arrived with only enough time to grab a quick shower and dress before heading to the dining room, he wouldn’t have to exchange more than cursory words with Juanita. They could put on an act for Nancy and Dave the way they’d been doing all along. The show would keep them occupied without requiring more than minimal interaction. Then he could escape to the casino or sports bar while Juanita returned to the room. Maybe he’d stay out all night, if the thought of sleeping in the same room with Juanita, so near and so far from the bed he’d promised to share, still felt like torture.
What the hell had he done wrong? He still couldn’t figure it out. One minute he’d been confessing his deepest feelings and dearest hopes, and the next she’d been yelling at him and accusing him of—what, exactly?
Wanting to help her. Wanting to take care of her. Not wanting to hurt her. Which were bad things, apparently. According to Juanita, if he really loved her he’d treat her like a selfish jerk, using her for his own pleasure without regard for hers. He’d enjoy a few no-strings-attached nights of fun but meaningless sex, then wave good-bye without a second thought. He wouldn’t be haunted by the memory of her trembling voice and shaking body as she described her arrest and deportation. He wouldn’t care that she’d remain a fugitive, or that she might have to endure the same nightmare all over again if they ever caught her.
Forget it. If Juanita wanted a bad boy to use and abuse her, she’d have to look for someone else. That’s not who he was. “Boy Scout” wasn’t an insult. Putting her welfare over his desires didn’t mean he had none. Wanting the best for her didn’t make him a wimp or a weakling or a doormat. It took a whole lot more strength than pushing her around would have. If Juanita couldn’t see that, she wasn’t the woman for him, no matter what his heart and body insisted.
For a while he hung out in the atrium, listening to a string trio play dramatic music on electric instruments. The novelty distracted him—he’d never known there were such things as electric violins or cellos. They looked bizarre, as if someone had cut out just the strings, leaving only a narrow strip to support them. The musicians were talented, though. Ryan flopped in a chair and let the music wash over him until their set was over.
It was still too early to go back to the room, so he dragged himself up a flight of steps to where rows of shops lined both sides of the soaring open space. He poked through one selling diamond and gold jewelry, but he couldn’t stop imagining every necklace encircling Juanita’s graceful throat and every ring gleaming on her finger. He moved on to the next, which carried expensive liquors, but none of the big international brands held much appeal next to the local rum they’d sampled, and the duty-free prices the signs trumpeted weren’t any better than he could get at Spec’s.
A candy store held dozens of varieties of chocolate he’d love to feed Juanita so he could watch the rapturous expression spread across her face. A clothing shop displayed sundresses that would drape her curves beautifully in bright colors that would complement her caramel skin. Another held racks of flowered bikinis that would show off her figure far too well for him to want anyone but him to see her wearing them.
Finally he found a shop full of bland, mass-produced souvenirs Juanita would despise on principle. Ryan browsed among the t-shirts and hats for a while without seeing anything that appealed to him. None of the figurines of dolphins or palm trees or tropical fish did, either. He studied the rows of coffee mugs with cute sayings for a while, but eventually passed them over. Finally he picked up two packs of playing cards, one with a generically pretty beach scene, the other with a picture of a Festival ship that wasn’t the Zephyr but looked similar. Maybe he could find a stranger or two willing to play a few hands of Spades or Canasta. Or maybe he’d just play solitaire.
Near the cash register was a small display of shampoo, shaving cream, toothpaste, and other necessities. The prices were as inflated as he’d expect, but he supposed that if you’d forgotten something important, they’d be worth paying. He scanned the shelves for sunscreen. They’d used up the two cans he’d brought. Juanita would probably want to play on the water slides again tomorrow, and he wasn’t going to let her get sunburned. Maybe she’d allow him to spray the parts of her back she couldn’t reach, even if she refused to interact with him otherwise.
He found the cans of sunscreen and chose one, hesitating over a second. Eventually he added it to his selections. Better to have too much than too little. This way they could each use a separate can if Juanita insisted.
As he was about to head to the register, his eye fell on a row of boxes on the bottom shelf. Condoms. Ryan’s face warmed. He hadn’t brought any from home. He’d had no clue he might need them. The lack hadn’t
crossed his mind when he’d made his reckless promise to Juanita. Now chances were high that they’d sit in a corner of his suitcase until he got back to Houston and stuck the box in a drawer. But if he was luckier than he had any right to hope and Juanita changed her mind, shouldn’t he be prepared? Ryan winced when he checked the price, but grabbed a box anyway. He’d wasted greater sums before. If these ended up getting tossed unused when the expiration date passed, it wouldn’t kill him.
After his purchases were safely tucked away in his bag, he checked the time. The minutes had slipped past while he wasn’t paying attention. Now he’d have to rush if he wanted to make it to the dining room in time.
Maybe he should skip it and get something to eat from the buffet on the Lido deck instead. But if Juanita showed up to dinner alone, Nancy and Dave would be curious. They might start asking questions. Juanita could probably deflect any suspicion if she chose her answers carefully, but he didn’t want to put her in that position. The older couple were the only people on the cruise they’d really become acquainted with. Their best bet for maintaining their cover was to keep them convinced their relationship was genuine.
He opened the door of their room carefully and peeked inside. “Juanita?” No answer. He ventured inside. The bathroom door stood open. A wet bathmat was on the floor, the mirror was foggy, and Juanita’s bikini was draped over the towel bar. The bed was neatly made, with today’s towel animal, a teddy bear, perched at the foot. The curtain was drawn over the window and balcony door, but when he pushed it aside and peered out, Juanita wasn’t there, either.
Half relieved, half disappointed, Ryan returned to the bathroom and took a quick shower. He rinsed the sand and salt out of his swim trunks and pulled out the retractable clothesline that stretched across the shower stall to hang them up. After a moment’s hesitation he draped the bikini top and bottom beside them. Juanita had been considerate to leave them out of his way. He could return the thoughtful gesture by ensuring they got enough air circulation to dry thoroughly.
Slacks and a knit shirt would do for dinner. He glanced at the time and grimaced. Hopefully Emil would go ahead and serve the appetizers without making the others wait for him to arrive.
Instead of waiting for the elevator he raced down flight after flight of stairs, arriving at the dining room entrance breathless and flushed. He wove between tables to the back wall. His heart caught when he spotted Juanita sitting beside Nancy, with Dave across the table, all three chatting and appearing relaxed.
Her glance flicked to him and she raised a hand. Nancy and Dave greeted him with big smiles. He hoped they didn’t notice her blank expression and the way she wouldn’t quite meet his eyes. “Sorry I’m late,” he told them as he slid into his seat. “Hope you didn’t wait for me.”
“We didn’t,” Juanita said. “I ordered frog legs for your appetizer and prime rib for your entree. I hope that’s okay.”
“Perfect,” he said. Maybe choosing the frog legs had been some sort of passive-aggressive dig. He suspected her opinion of them matched her feelings about escargot. But he’d always wanted the opportunity to try them, so he wasn’t going to take offense. And of course he loved prime rib. On second thought, maybe she’d chosen the frog legs because she knew about his adventurous tastes. Maybe she’d done her best to order as he would have, either out of simple courtesy or a genuine desire to move past their argument.
Whatever. There was no use trying to read her mind, and her face betrayed no hint of her motives. He grinned impartially at her and the Jacksons. “What did I miss?”
“I was just telling Nancy and Dave about our afternoon at the beach, and how you dozed off while I was in the shower. I’m glad I thought to set the alarm on your phone before I went by the library to pick up a book. Although when you weren’t here when I arrived, I worried you’d slept right through it.”
“Not quite, but I did hit the snooze a few times. Thanks for trying, though.” He spread his hands apologetically. “Find anything interesting?”
“No, but they’ve got a bunch of games down there in addition to the books. If we have some free time tomorrow, maybe we can play one.”
“I’d enjoy that.” He tried to catch her eye and smile to let her know he appreciated her smooth explanation for their separate arrivals and his tardiness, but she ignored him and focused on the roll she was buttering. He suppressed a sigh, took one from the basket as well, and reached for the butter dish. Lunch had been a long time ago.
Before the silence got uncomfortable, Nancy beamed at them. “We had a lovely day, too. This morning we went snorkeling with dolphins. I think it was my favorite expedition of all the ones we’ve done.”
Dave mirrored her enthusiasm. “It was great. We got to swim around in a big enclosed area with them. They could wander wherever they pleased. Our masks let us see them underwater. Part of the time they were off on the far side, but for a while they were right there in among our group. One of the keepers showed us how to play catch with seaweed with them.”
“And before that, we had a session with one of them and one of the trainers. Her name was Polly—the dolphin, I mean, not the person. She was the sweetest thing. We got to pet her and touch her fins and teeth and take pictures with her.”
Nancy and Dave both pulled out their phones and displayed the photos and videos they’d captured. Ryan enjoyed them, especially the picture with them on both sides of the dolphin, their arms around her. But he kept being distracted by the enchanted but wistful expression on Juanita’s face as she exclaimed over the images. He ached for the chance to take her there and give her the opportunity to see and touch and play with the beautiful creatures herself. But it was impossible. Roatan was receding farther behind them every minute. Juanita would never be free to return. She’d emphatically rejected the one route that might have offered her a way.
Their appetizers arrived. Ryan picked up a long, skinny frog leg and took a cautious bite. “Hmm. Not bad. Would it be a cliché if I said it tastes like chicken? Because it does. With just a hint of fish.” He held it out to Juanita. “Want to try?”
“No, thanks.” She didn’t even smile. She didn’t offer to let him taste her crab cake, either.
Ryan tried to attribute the yawning emptiness in the pit of his stomach to hunger, but that got harder to do when it didn’t go away after his prime rib arrived and he dug in. In fact, it got worse every time Juanita responded to one of his jokes with a dull monosyllable or went from eagerly smiling at Nancy and Dave to a flat, lifeless expression when she turned in his direction. When the dessert menus arrived and Juanita ordered the fruit plate, it sharpened to actual pain.
He’d blown it. He’d managed to drive her away mere hours after he’d realized how much she meant to him. Their disagreement wasn’t going to blow over. He’d rushed ahead too fast too soon, before he knew her well enough to anticipate how she’d react. His obtuseness had killed whatever physical desire she’d felt for him. Either that, or she was hiding it awfully well.
He, on the other hand, wanted her more than ever. He wanted the eager light back in her eyes when she gazed at him. He wanted to stroke her smooth cheek and pull her hair out of its ponytail and run his fingers through its soft chestnut waves. He wanted her to hold him to his promise, to pull back the covers and invite him to slide between the cool sheets, to wrap her body around his and draw him into herself.
His melt-in-your-mouth cake tasted bitter and metallic. He shoved it away after only a few bites. “Excuse me. I need to drop back by our room for a minute. Juanita, I’ll meet you at the theater for the show, all right?”
“I’ll save you a seat.” A trace of interest quickened her voice, but he knew it was for what she was saying, not for him. “It’s Broadway music tonight, so you won’t want to miss it.”
“Of course not.” He tried once more to catch her eyes, and once more failed. He stretched his mouth into a wide grin for Nancy and Dave’s sake. “Bye. See you later.”
Without waiting
for a reply, he turned and made his escape.
CHAPTER 14
J uanita picked at her fruit. She’d give Ryan five minutes to be sure she wouldn’t run into him, then excuse herself and leave. She really did want to see the show, even if there seemed to be a thick blanket wrapped around her heart, muffling her enthusiasm along with every other emotion. Maybe he wouldn’t show up at the theater after all, although she’d hate for him to miss what promised to be the best show of the cruise. Maybe he’d find a seat somewhere away from her. Maybe she should suggest it, if he came to join her.
When she looked up, Dave was standing behind Nancy’s chair, patting her shoulder. He bent to give her a quick kiss, then strode away.
Relieved, Juanita set her fork down. “I need to go, too. I’ll see you again tomorrow, I hope.”
Nancy cleared her throat. “Before you rush off, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
Juanita tensed, but she couldn’t think of a good reason to refuse. There was still half an hour left before the show started. She swallowed and pressed back into her chair. “Um, no, I guess.”
Nancy studied her for a moment, frowning. Abruptly she shook her head. “Forgive me if I’m being too nosy, but… is something wrong, honey? Between you and Ryan, I mean. You’ve always seemed so happy with each other, but tonight you’ve both been acting as if you can hardly bear to be in the same room.”
Juanita closed her eyes and shrugged, fighting to keep her voice steady. “We had an argument, is all.”
“If you need to talk to someone about it, I’d be happy to listen. I expect it’s difficult, being out here away from the friends and family you’d normally go to with something like this.”
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