Relentless Hope (Resilient Hearts)

by Cassidy, Ashley

  This cannot be good. My mom has never been one to show her emotions. She is always been reserved. The kind of person who tries to keep everything in. The fact that she is now in my room first thing in the morning for the second day in a row and is crying on my shoulders is not a good sign, so I brace myself for what is coming.

  “What is wrong mom?” I ask hesitatingly.

  She takes a moment to compose herself and pulls her head back to look me in the eye. “You need to leave the house Aleah… You need to leave as soon as possible… Today. I think your dad got suspicious yesterday. He was acting strange last night, so I listened in on his conversation again. I think he bought the tickets for sooner. He mentioned something about getting there on Monday morning, so he must be planning to leave on Sunday since this is a twenty hour trip.”

  I try to absorb what this means. Today is Friday and the last day my dad will be working and outside of the house before the weekend. If he plans to fly me out this Sunday, today is my last opportunity to make a clean escape.

  I look up at my mom’s tear stained cheeks and wish for the hundredth time that she were stronger. Wish she would stand up to my dad, and to my brothers. Wish I were stronger for that matter.

  But I know full well that physically I am no match for the men in family. I also know that if I were to put up a fight on this, they would use their physical strength to force me to oblige. Intellectually, I understand that I could call the cops if they attack me, but practically that is not an option. If I were to turn any of family members to the police, no one in my family would ever to talk to me again. I might as well pack up and go now, instead of letting it get to that point.

  I unconsciously rub my arms and shoulders where the bruises left by my younger brother, Shane, are still healing, and I realize that I have no real choice in this decision. I just cannot risk staying here. I have to leave my family home, the home I’ve lived in all my life and I have to leave now.

  I take a look around my room, and the enormity of the moment hits me hard. This is goodbye to my family and the home I grew up in. I have a feeling deep in my soul at this moment that I will never come back here or see them ever again.

  My hands start trembling, but before I completely break apart in front of my mom, I ask her if she can give me a few minutes alone so I can pack. She hesitates for a moment, as if she is about to argue, but then nods her head and leaves the room.

  As soon as the door is closed, I slide down the wall and hit the floor hard. I pull my knees into my stomach and try, in vain, to slow the shaking of my hands and knees. Tears start to burn the back of my throat, but I know I can’t afford to let them fall. If I let the floodgates of my emotions open, I won’t be able to contain the flood of tears that will burst through, and I know I don’t have time for that right now. So I swallow my sobs and concentrate on my breathing…in…out…in ...out, I tell myself.

  After what feels like an eternity and my legs finally feel stable enough for me to stand, I get up and reach for my phone to call Mia to pick me up. I give her a brief account of what has happened and she says she will be here in half an hour. That means I only have half an hour to pack and say goodbye to my mom.

  I grab a bag and start quickly shoving all my essential items in. My laptop, some clothes, toiletries, and my books and class notes.

  When I leave my room, I see my mom sitting on the edge of the couch, hunched over, with her hands over her face. I stand back and watch her for a few seconds, and realize how much she has aged in the past few weeks. My mom and I were always close. I wouldn’t say we were best friends, as we did get into arguments quite often. But I always attributed our arguments to us being from different generations and having been raised in very different cultures.

  She was raised to be a wife and a mother. To be completely dependent on the men in her life. To listen to them and make their lives easy. She has never worked a day outside of the house. She doesn’t have her own bank account or even her own credit cards. As far as I can tell, everything we own is under my dad’s name.

  This has worked out okay for my mom, since dad was never abusive. But there has never been any question as to who wears the pants in our family, and I have rarely seen my mom go against anything my dad wants. After what happened with Imran, I expected my mom to at least comfort me, if not take my side. Instead, she stood with my dad and told me I had shamed her. I couldn’t believe that my own mom who had always been caring and protective of me, didn’t even appear to care that I had bruises all over my body from her son’s beating of me. So in response, I did the only thing that came natural to me. I shut her out. I thought she didn’t care about me, or what happened to me, and I didn’t want anything to do with her. We had barely spoken in the last few weeks, until she came to my room yesterday morning. Now, as I stand back watching her, I see how much the recent events have affected her. I slowly walk towards her. She lifts up her head to look at me with tears running down her cheeks.

  When she sees me approaching, she quickly wipes the tears away and stands up. “Your dad and your brothers are going to be furious about you running away. People are going to start talking. This will be worse than the original scandal you handed to us, and the talking will only make them more enraged. They’re going to try to find you, and I know in my heart that if they do, whatever happens will be much worse than before. I’m particularly worried about Shane after what happened last time. You know Shervon. He will get angry and he might come after you, but he’s not the type to physically hurt you. Shane, on the other hand, is capable of anything when he is in a rage. I’m really scared for you, Aleah. Please promise me to be careful. Don’t go anywhere near the areas any of your old friends or your brothers’ friends might be. Word travels fast. Just stay away for a while.” She takes a shaky breath and reaches behind her, grabbing two envelopes.

  “Your passport and all your other essential documents are in here. Also, take the money in this envelope. This is all I can give you without raising suspicions from your dad. You understand that they can’t know I helped you, right?” she asks with a hint of desperation in her voice.

  I know that she feels conflicted. Maybe she wishes she were stronger too. But I know and understand too well that at her age, she cannot easily change herself or her life. She is completely dependent on my dad for everything, and there is no way, she would risk standing up to my dad on something this serious. The repercussions for her are enormous. I am young, educated, and confident. Even though my parents also raised me as a dependent girl who relied fully on them for almost everything, I know I can take care of myself. My mom, on the other hand, does not have the same luxury. And I don’t intend to put her at any sort of risk for telling me about my dad’s plans or helping me escape. So I nod my head at her question, making sure she knows that I understand.

  “What are you going to tell them?” I ask.

  She shrugs. “I can tell them I went grocery shopping. When I came back your door was closed like always, and I didn’t suspect anything until lunchtime when I called you for lunch and you didn’t come out. That would give you enough time to get away and get to a safe place for now, right?”

  I don’t know the answer to this question, but I don’t want my mom to worry any more than she already does, so I nod my head, “Yea, that should be enough time.”

  “Please let me know somehow when you get to a safe place and are settled down, but don’t call me from your cell phone for at least a while. If you need anything, call from a different number. Make sure it’s me answering the phone and you don’t hear people in the background before saying anything…okay?”

  “Don’t worry mom. I know how to do this. I won’t put you or myself at risk. I promise.”

  My phone beeps in my pocket and I pull it out to see a text from Mia.

  Mia: I’m here.

  “My friend is here. It’s time for me to go,” I say to my mom. Before I even finish the sentence, my mom reaches for me, wrapping her arms around me in a tight
hug. I don’t let my emotions get to me, because I know I can’t afford to break down now, so I hug her back without saying anything. After a few minutes, she slowly pulls away, but not before placing a kiss on my cheek and one on my forehead.

  “Take care of yourself. You’re made to do great things in life. I’ve always believed that about you… I know it in my heart,” she says, as she puts her hand on her heart. “Don’t let your dreams die. Go after them. I love you. I always will.”

  At this moment, I can’t help the tears that start flowing at her words. “I love you too, Mom. I will try to call. I will stay in touch after the dust settles. I promise.” With that, I turn my back to her before I completely fall part, and walk out of the door of my childhood home for the last time.

  Mia took one look at me when she picked me up this morning and knew I needed to escape reality for a little while. So she said we are going to have a girls’ day, and we spent the entire day getting our nails done, going to the mall and then to the movies, and she paid for everything. When she offered at night to stay home with me instead of going on a date she had planned, I insisted that she goes. I was already taking over her life, staying at her apartment and taking up all of her time. I wasn’t about to ruin her date too.

  She left about an hour ago. I watched her get ready, and saw the twinkle of excitement in her eyes as she was about to leave. Tonight was her second date with this guy, and even though she tried to downplay it and say that it’s too early to have any feelings, I could tell she was already hooked. Her whole face lit up and she couldn’t help smiling when she talked about him.

  As I settle under the blanket on her couch, I can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy. My mind wonders if I will ever experience that excitement again. Will I ever let myself trust a guy to even go there? I am not sure if I can.

  My first love experience has burned me so bad that I don’t think I will ever be able to put myself out there like that again. Maybe that’s a good thing, I think to myself. Maybe that’s the only way to really protect your heart. Yet, the realization that I may not get to experience the feelings of excitement and blissful joy of a new love interest makes my heart constrict with an overwhelming sadness.

  As I am thinking about this, I hear the screech of tires, followed by a loud bang of a car door, and then heavy footsteps on the stairs leading to Mia’s second floor apartment. I recognize the sound of those footsteps, and my stomach drops.

  I jump up to make sure the door is locked and the bolt is in place. As soon as I’ve checked the bolt, I hear the person stop on the other side of the door and start banging. I reluctantly look through the peephole, knowing full well who I am about to see through it.

  What I see is even more frightening than I imagined. My brother Shane is standing a couple of steps away from the door and even through the small hole, I can tell he is drunk and furious. That combination is scary to have in any person, but for someone with Shane’s temperament, it is downright dangerous. I know my brother well enough to know that he is unstable and violent even at his best. This drunk, he is most definitely out of control. And I know all of his rage is currently directed at me.

  Panic sets at the pit of my stomach and my whole body starts shaking. I don’t have much time to think, but I know before anything else that I need to get away from this door. I try to run as fast as I can to the bathroom and almost trip on a rug. Once I am safely inside the bathroom, I quickly lock the door, before my legs give out and I slide down to the floor.

  Even through the locked bathroom door, I can hear the loud banging on the door and Shane’s voice.

  “Open the door, Mia…open the damn door,” he yells. “I know you are hiding my stupid sister in there, you bitch… Aleah, I know you’re here. You better come out now, before this shit starts to get real ugly.”

  He stops yelling for a few seconds, but the banging continues. “Open the fucking door,” he says again.

  He is getting louder and louder and I am terrified that at any moment now he will kick the door in and get inside. I think about calling the police, and realize that in my haste to get to the bathroom, I forgot to grab my phone. Great. I am stuck in the bathroom with my insane brother at the door and I don’t even have my phone with me.

  I contemplate my options for a second and decide that the only way I might be able to survive this encounter if Shane is able to get inside the apartment is to call for help. I hesitantly open the bathroom door and slowly make my way to the living room. The closer I get to the front door, the more I can feel the rage resonating from Shane’s voice as he continues yelling at the closed door. By the time, I get to my phone though, something happens. He lowers his voice saying, “This is NOT over. Far from it,” and then all of a sudden, I hear his retreating steps on the staircase, as he makes his way back to his car.

  I hesitantly move closer to the door to listen to what is happening outside. After a few minutes, I hear his car roar to life and take off quickly. After hearing the noise, I am finally able to release the breath I was holding, as I let my trembling legs take me to the couch. I collapse on the couch and bring my knees to my chest to calm my racing heart. I take a few deep breaths, but I know I don’t have too much time for getting myself together. I need to call Mia to warn her and I need to somehow get away from this place before Shane comes back.

  I reluctantly dial Mia’s number. I hate interrupting her date, but I know I have to warn her. As soon as she picks up the phone, I blurt out, “Hey, Mia. I am so sorry to interrupt your date, but this is urgent.” I pause and take a shaky breath, before dropping the bombshell.

  “Shane somehow found out you helped me, and he knows I’m staying at your apartment. He came by the place a few minutes ago. I didn’t open the door, but he sounded enraged and out of control. He left, but said something about this not being over… I'm so sorry to drag you into this, but you shouldn’t come home tonight. I‘ll try to call a cab to take me to a hotel or something, but you should probably stay away…at least tonight… I am so sorry.”

  “Aleah - What are you sorry for? It’s not your fault. Your brother sounds insane. And I am not leaving you alone there to get a cab and find a hotel on your own. I’ll come get you, as soon as I can. Be ready in about fifteen minutes.”

  “No Mia. I don’t want to ruin your date. Plus, you should probably not come around here right now anyway. He might be waiting around.”

  “I’ll ask Kevin to come with me. Don’t argue. Just get ready quickly. Let me get off the phone, so I can talk to Kevin and we can leave.”

  Before I have a chance to respond, she hangs up the phone. I feel guilty about dragging Mia into this, but truthfully, I am very relieved that she is not abandoning me. The idea of having to get a cab and finding a hotel on my own at this time of night terrifies me.

  Before long, Mia is opening the door and walking in, followed by a tall handsome guy. She introduces me to Kevin quickly and rushes to her room to get an overnight bag.

  Once we are safely inside Kevin’s car, they tell me they have decided we are going to both spend the night at Kevin’s place. Before I have a chance to refuse, Kevin jumps in, “I’ll sleep on the coach. You two can have my bed. After what Mia told me about your brother, there’s no way I am leaving you two on your own tonight. If you don’t feel comfortable at my place, we can go to a hotel, but I would get a room next to you two to be close by.”

  Kevin’s words warm my heart as I realize there are still some good men out there, even if all of the men in my life have turned out to be douchebags. I think about Kevin’s offer and realize that I don’t have any energy left to argue. The offer is too good to pass up anyway. So instead of arguing, I thank them for being so kind to me and let them take me to Kevin’s place.

  As I lie exhausted in bed at Kevin’s apartment, I cannot stop my mind from worrying where my life will take me from here. I recognize that at the moment, my main objective is survival, but my options for doing so are limited.

  I can
not stay at Mia’s place any longer. It would put both Mia and I in danger, and I simply cannot risk that.

  There is also no way I would stay at Kevin’s apartment. Mia is one of the nicest girls I know and I am sure she would say that she is fine with me staying here. She may even suggest it, but I would not put myself in a position that might make my only friend in the world uncomfortable.

  Given that I don’t have any other friends at the moment, the only option left for me is to go to an inexpensive hotel. I probably have enough money to last me for about a week at a cheap hotel.

  That means I have less than a week to find myself a place to stay and a job to pay for it. Even though I have never done those things, and I am completely on my own in figuring out how to do them, I try not to let the enormity of the tasks ahead of me or the complexity of what they involve frighten me. Instead, I resolve to try as hard as possible and do whatever it takes to make it on my own.

  I promise myself that I will come back from this. That I will not only survive, but also thrive. I tell myself that I am a fighter and a survivor and I will make it work. This positive way of thinking is the only way I can prevent fear from taking over and crippling me. I cannot afford to let fear in. Instead, I have to focus on hope. Hope that I’m strong enough to take this on. Hope that things will somehow work out in the end. And hope that happiness will one day find its way back to my life.

  As the darkness of the night slowly gives way to the first rays of dawn, I find myself still awake, unable to let sleep in. But instead of surrendering to my fears and anxiety, it is the sliver of hope slowly making its way into my heart that I choose to focus on.

  I slowly make my way to the old squeaky bed and collapse on the mattress before my knees give out, as I feel every last bit of the resolve and determination I had five days ago slip away. In its place, I feel such dread and despair that I can hardly breathe.