Relentless Hope (Resilient Hearts)

by Cassidy, Ashley

  I don’t know if I will be able to stay away, but I nod my head any way, as I watch him leave the house.

  As the night goes on, I keep thinking about what he said before he left, and the more I think about it, the sicker I feel to my stomach. His words about finding comfort in women and alcohol keep turning in my head. My mind goes a million different places as to where he might be and what he could be doing, and none of those scenarios are pretty. I try to tell myself that I shouldn’t care if he is with other women, but the knots that are formed in my stomach every time I think of where he could be right now tell me a different story.

  As time go by, the feeling of uneasiness slowly turns to rage. I start to feel angry at him for acting like we are the best of friends, for taking me to the law firm with him today and making me feel like there’s something between us, but at the first sign of trouble, leaving me alone at home and turning to other women and alcohol for comfort.

  The anger and worry keeps me up late at night, not allowing for a minute of sleep to creep in. After lying in bed for hours wide awake, I decide to go watch TV in the upstairs living room so I can hear him if and when he walks in.

  When he hasn’t shown up hours later, I can’t help calling his cell phone. When it goes directly to voicemail, I feel nausea building up in my stomach, as I start to think that he’s gone home with a woman.

  I’m lost deeply in these thoughts, when I hear the small chime of the security system, warning that a door has been opened. I strain my ears to hear what’s going on, and when I hear the sound of heavy footsteps on the steps leading up to the second floor, relief washes over me. I get up to leave for my room before he has a chance to see I was waiting up on him, when I hear the sound of someone tripping, followed by a loud curse. Before I know what I’m doing, I’m tearing down the stairs towards him.

  A look at his direction has my inside turned into knots. He’s splayed across the foyer, clearly disoriented and barely able to keep his eyes opens.

  “Are you okay?” I say, as I shake his shoulders to get his reaction.

  He chuckles. “I’m fantastic, baby. Now that I’ve seen you.” His words slur, signaling the extent of his drunkenness.

  “Come on. You’re wasted. Give me your hand. Let’s get you to your room,” I say, as I grab his hand and try unsuccessfully to pull him up. The man is like a freight train of muscles. I can hardly move him. After a few futile attempts, he finally grabs the railing and slowly rises from the floor. I hook up my arm under his and place my other hand behind his back to try to steady him.

  The walk up the few steps takes forever, but we finally make it. I continue holding him steady till we reach his bedroom door. Once I open his door for him, I try to move out of the way, and gently push him in. But in a flash, he turns me around and has me pressed up against the wall, each of his hands splay on one side of my face, his sparkling eyes burning into mine. A small smile crosses his face at my shocked expression.

  “Don’t be surprised baby. I’ve been wanting to kiss these plump lips of yours since the very first time I laid eyes on them.”

  My stomach drops at those words, as goose bumps form all over my skin. Before I have a chance to fully process what is happening, he crashes his lips to mine.

  And the world stops.

  Fireworks go off in every corner of my mind, as the sensation of his soft lips against mine fully registers.

  He takes my upper lip between his and gently sucks, and an explosion ignites every nerve ending in my body. It’s as if every cell in my body has been suddenly jolted awake from a long hibernating sleep and is now dancing to the rhythm of his lips.

  I’m so overwhelmed by the all the sensations running through my system that I stand there motionless at first, paralyzed in equal parts by excitement and fear at my body’s reaction to his. But then he starts slowly running his tongue over my lips, gently licking the corners and I can’t help responding to his delicious assault. I open my lips and take his in between mine and he responds immediately by grabbing the back of my neck and pressing his body harder against mine. The feel of his body against mine has heat pooling down low in my stomach.

  I open my mouth more and he takes the opportunity to push his tongue in, and all coherent thoughts are lost in an instance, as I give myself fully to the moment. We are lost in each other for what feels like an eternity, until the kiss turns more desperate, more intense. He puts his hand under my tank top and runs it slowly over my back, and my knees start to feel like jelly.

  My lingering fear returns, as I realize I’m slowly losing control. Just then, he abruptly pulls away with a curse under his breath. He takes a few steps away from me while repeatedly shaking his head to clear it.

  “Fuck... Run. Run Aleah. Run before I devour you right here on the floor of this hallway... If you stand here one more second looking like that, I won’t be able to hold myself back.”

  I will my shaky legs to move. As much as my body wants to give in to the surge of desire running through every ounce of my being, the scars of my past induce enough fear in my mind to prevent me from jumping into situations that could cause more heartbreak. I take a few reluctant steps towards my room, my resolve almost faltering a few times, before I finally make it there. Once inside, I slide down the wall, as soon as the door is locked behind me, my weak knees unable to bear the weight of my body for one more second.

  Once I recover enough to make it my bed, the only thought running through my mind over and over again is this is how a first kiss is supposed to feel like.

  I have no idea what this means, what Aiden wants from me or what he meant by saying he’s wanted to kiss me from day one, but I know how I felt. How my body reacted. And I know this cannot be just lust. The thought terrifies and excites me in equal parts.

  But when my mind finally succumbs to sleep, it is with a huge smile on my face.

  I wake up in the morning with a nervous energy running through my body. The thought of facing Aiden this morning terrifies me. I am uncertain of what I want, and have no idea what his reaction will be.

  He kissed me in a reckless sea of drunkenness. Would he even remember the kiss? And worse if he does remember, would he regret it when sober in broad day light?

  He said he’s wanted to kiss me since day one, echoing the sentiments of my own heart, but was that just alcohol talking?

  I head down to the kitchen pushing the negative thoughts away, if only for a moment. I grab a cup of coffee and a breakfast muffin and head out to the back patio with my laptop. A couple of hours later, Aiden stumbles his way out the door in my direction, with huge sunglasses covering half of his face and a hat pulled down low. I can’t help the smile that crosses my lips at seeing this beautiful man.

  “Good morning. How are you feeling?” I say, with a smile.

  He takes a seat across from me, turning his back against the sun before responding. “Like shit. My head is pounding and the sun is making me feel nauseous, but it’s nothing I don’t deserve.”

  He takes a deep breath, turning his head away from mine, and even through the sunglasses, I can see the grim expression on his face. My stomach turns into knots. He must be regretting what happened last night.

  He stays silent for a long time, his head bent down low in deep thought before finally speaking. “I know I fucked up last night, but I don’t remember exactly what I did. What did I do - Aleah? Please don’t tell me I fucked up too bad.”

  My chest aches at his admission. He doesn’t even remember the mind numbing explosive kiss that is guaranteed to be forever etched in memory as one of the best moments of my life.

  I take a second to compose myself before responding. “You…you kissed me,” I say, my voice so low it’s almost a whisper.

  He chuckles. “I remember that, but I don’t remember anything else. What else did I do?” he asks with trepidation.

  “Nothing. You told me to run away before you can’t control yourself anymore.”

  He releases a breath he se
ems to have been holding. “Oh, thank God. At least part of my brain was still working. I would have never been able to forgive myself if I came at you like that while I was drunk out of my mind.”

  I feel a slight bit of relief, realizing that his grim expression is because he’s worried about how he treated me, not regretting the kiss itself.

  I debate whether or not I should ask him the question on my mind, but my curiosity wins. I have to know if he remembers the sparks that flew between us as his lips touched mine.

  “So you remember the kiss?”

  He laughs. “The best kiss of my entire life? Yea, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t forget that no matter how drunk I was.”

  A warm feeling moves up my chest spreading to overtake my whole being. My entire face breaks into a huge smile, until I see the pained expression on his.

  “Did I say anything else? Do anything to make you uncomfor-table?” he asks nervously, his eyes cast down low.

  I think about this for a second, debating what I should tell him. My deep longing to find out about his true feelings wins. I need to see his reaction to know if it was just alcohol talking or something he really meant.

  “You just said you’ve wanted to kiss me from the first time you saw me,” I finally say.

  “I guess alcohol makes me a little too honest,” he says with a shy smile.

  My heart melts, butterflies soaring in my stomach. But before I get too carried away, his expression turns serious again.

  “Look, it’s no secret that I want you. The feelings that you stir in me…,” he says with a shake of his head, “I can’t even begin to explain them... I want you, but I know I’m not good for you… I don’t know everything about you, but I can tell you’ve been hurt badly before, and I really don’t want to cause you any more hurt… I don’t have a good track record with women. Frankly I’ve never cared much how my actions effect the women I’ve been with. I’ve tried to be honest with all of them from the beginning, making it clear that I’m not interested in anything long term, but I’m sure there’ve been a few that wanted more and got hurt in the process. I never gave a flying fuck about their feelings. I know that makes me a jerk, but that’s how I’ve lived my life…and you…you deserve way better than that. I don’t want to be another Pierson man taking advantage of your trust,” he pauses running his fingers over his chiseled face.

  “Plus, your friendship has come to mean a lot to me, and I really don’t want to screw that up. I’m sorry about what happened last night. Can we just be friends like before? Can you forget that last night ever happened?”

  “You want me to forget that kiss? Honestly, I don’t know if I can forget that,” I blurt out.

  He takes a shaky breath. “Yea, me neither, but can we at least pretend like it didn’t happen? I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me… I just want to be friends with you, like we’ve been the past few days. Is that possible?”

  I hesitate before responding. I understand where he’s coming from. Even though the kiss was mind blowing, I too share his apprehension of ruining the precious bond of friendship we have formed between us. But it’s not that apprehension that makes me agree. At the end of the day, it’s my crippling fear that getting romantically involved with Aiden would lead to inevitable heartbreak that makes me nod my head in acquiescence.

  “Yea, I think I want that too,” I finally say.

  He releases a deep sigh and a smile forms at the corners of his mouth, as he extends his right hand towards mine. I bring my hand forward to shake his.

  “Friends?” he says as he firmly shakes my hand.

  “Friends,” I repeat with a smile.

  A couple of hours later, we’re bending over our laptops trying to find the closest apartment complexes to Aiden’s new job.

  “Here’s one,” I exclaim. “The pictures look nice and it’s only a couple of blocks away from your office. You could walk to work until you are able to buy a car.”

  “Let me see,” he says as he hovers over me to see my screen.

  “This does look good. Let’s just hope these guys have a one bedroom vacant right now. What’s their phone number?”

  I shout out the numbers as he enters them into his phone.

  “Hi. I was wondering if you have a one bedroom available for rent right now.” Aiden says into the phone.

  “The only unit you have is a three bedroom? How much is the rent on that?”

  “Wow. Okay…no, I don’t think I can do that. Thank you,” he says as he hangs up the phone, disappointment written all over his face. We’ve been doing this for a couple of hours and every place we’ve called is either full or out of a reasonable price range.

  I can tell the experience is very sobering for Aiden. For someone who’s never been told no, who’s lived wherever he wanted to without even thinking about the cost of rent or the fact that other people may be in line ahead of him, hearing no repeatedly is a huge wakeup call into the world of ordinary people.

  It’s interesting how sometimes wealthy people don’t even realize some of the privileges their life offers them. When you have something all your life, it becomes second nature to you. You start thinking that’s the norm and instead of appreciating it, you simply expect it.

  That’s why wealth beyond a certain level doesn’t necessarily bring more happiness to people’s lives. It may bring luxury, but the comfort becomes so engrained into the everyday life that after a while it’s not even noticeable. Instead like all everybody else, those blessed with wealth focus their thoughts on what they don’t have, forgetting to appreciate how lucky they are to have all the things they do have.

  Realizing this makes me better understand why David set up these experiments for Aiden. He wanted him to experience life from an ordinary person’s perspective so he can recognize and appreciate his wealth and his powerful family name when he gets it back. Sometimes you can’t see the light shining straight at you, until you’ve experienced true darkness.

  This realization makes my thoughts travel to my own life, as I ponder if the grim reality of my life in the past few months has been my darkness. Maybe this all meant to open my eyes so when glimmers of light sneak their rays through the darkened sky of my life, I can recognize and savor the brightness with the appreciation it deserve. Maybe light does shine through darkness.

  Aiden’s agitated voice brings me out of my random thoughts. “We’ve called like ten places already. I can’t believe none of them have something reasonable vacant. Maybe I should just get a hotel room until I can find something.”

  I try to suppress my laugh. Does he have any idea what hotel rooms cost in that area of town? The two thousand dollars in his bank account won’t last him a week at one of those hotels. But, as I think about this, an idea crosses my mind.

  “What about one of those extended stay places? You can stay at one of those until you find a place,” I say excitedly.

  “Hmm… That might work. Are there any near my work?”

  “Let’s see,” I say as I open a new tab on my browser.

  “Here you go. There are a couple of them in the area. Not walking distance to your work, but close.”

  “Let’s go check them out.”

  We drive down to Wilshire Boulevard in comfortable silence listening to the radio. Every once in a while, a song comes on the radio that makes my heart beat faster, thinking about what Aiden would do if I sing the lyrics out loud him. I try to suppress those thoughts and force myself to enjoy what we have instead.

  When we arrive at the first extended stay hotel, I take a look at the old crummy structure and already know that living at such a place would be a hard pill for Aiden to swallow. I turn my eyes from the building to Aiden’s face to gauge his reaction and I don’t have to ask to know how he feels about the place.

  “Do you want to take a look inside or just move on to the next one?”

  He releases a deep sigh. “Let’s go inside. I can’t be too picky. That’s the whole point of this experiment an
yway, right? To make me experience life on the other side,” he says, putting imaginary quotation marks around the words “the other side.”

  We make our way to the front desk where a chubby old lady has her head deep inside a book.

  Aiden clears his throat to catch her attention, but she doesn’t move a muscle. “Excuse me,” he finally says.

  She turns her head slowly, her expression showing her annoyance at being interrupted.

  “Yes?” she mutters impatiently.

  “I’m interested in renting a room for a couple of weeks, but wanted to take a look inside first. Can you please show us one of the rooms?”

  “We don’t have any vacant rooms at the moment,” she says as she turns her head back to her book.

  Aiden raises his eyebrow, “You don’t have any rooms available?”

  “You heard me. This place is very popular. Our prices are very reasonable and we’re in an excellent location. You have to book in advance to get a room here.”

  We turn our backs around and start walking back to the car. I take a look at Aiden’s face as we make our way back and can’t help laughing. “Well, you look very disappointed.”.

  He grins in return. “Honestly, I wasn’t looking forward to staying at that junk. I would have done it, even if to just make a point to myself and to Grandpa that I can do it, but I wasn’t too excited about it.”

  “I could tell. The look on your face when you saw the place was priceless.”

  “Are you saying I’m a spoiled rich kid who’s scared of roughing it up?”

  “No, I didn’t say that. I’m saying you’re a spoiled rich kid who doesn’t like to rough it up.”