Bitter Almonds

by Lilas Taha

  ‘Oh, please.’ Huda rolled her eyes. ‘At least I’m honest. I don’t manipulate people like Nadia does.’

  ‘I did the best I could with the mess my coward brother and his evil wife threw at me. I didn’t manipulate anyone.’

  ‘What do you call what you have done, then? First you accepted Marwan, kept him hanging for two years. Then you cast him aside and threw your problem on Omar. They both deserve better.’ Huda took quick steps closer and lifted her index finger in Nadia’s face. ‘They deserve better than you.’

  ‘That’s what Omar said.’ Nadia threw herself on the nearest bed and buried her face in the cover, fully absorbed in her misery.

  ‘Huda, please. You’re not helping the situation.’ Fatimah sounded angry, her tone firm. ‘Can’t you see how upset she is? Marwan will arrive soon and we need to have a plan to diffuse the situation, not escalate it.’

  ‘Fine. Let’s do this.’ Huda held Nadia’s shoulders and forced her to flip on her back. ‘Do you want to marry Marwan?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Then tell him that straight to his face.’

  ‘She can’t. It has to come from him.’ Fatimah gave Huda a little shove, moving her away from Nadia. ‘Marwan is the one who must end it. At least that’s how it should seem to everyone. For his sake.’

  Huda drew a long breath. ‘So that’s why you went to Omar?’ Her voice grew louder. ‘It’s worse than I thought. You used Omar to hurt Marwan? How stupid can you be?’

  ‘Stop calling me stupid.’ Nadia pushed off the bed. ‘I tried everything I could think of to show Marwan we aren’t suited for each other. Nothing worked.’

  ‘And you decided to ruin Omar instead?’ Huda threw her hands in the air. ‘You’re right. You’re not stupid. You’re selfish.’

  Fatimah grabbed Huda’s arm. ‘What do you mean she ruined Omar?’

  ‘Don’t tell me you don’t know how your own brother feels about her.’

  ‘Of course I know. I would have to be blind not to see it. But she has no idea. And if you hadn’t barged in like a thunderstorm, I would have gently opened her eyes.’

  Nadia stepped between them. ‘What are you two talking about?’

  ‘It was plain as daylight.’ Huda tapped Nadia’s chest. ‘The day you said you wanted Marwan, you snuffed Omar’s soul out.’

  ‘What are you saying?’

  ‘Omar is in love with you, stupid.’

  The words rang in her ears. A hot wave flashed her cheeks, as if Huda had thrown a cup of tea in her face. Her knees buckled and she dropped on the bed again. A hand touched her shoulder. Fatimah’s lips moved, but she heard nothing. Huda snapped her fingers in front of her eyes. She tried to focus. ‘This can’t be,’ she heard herself say.

  ‘Why do you think Omar didn’t request to transfer back here not once during the past two years?’ Fatimah smoothed back her hair. ‘He couldn’t handle seeing you together with Marwan.’

  Feeling behind her, she scooted on the bed until her head touched the windowsill, needing the space to breathe, to comprehend. ‘He . . . he never mentioned anything.’

  ‘How could he?’ Fatimah sat beside her. ‘Marwan is his best friend. And you needed Marwan to silence tongues.’

  Huda bent forward and placed both hands on Nadia’s knees. ‘You gave Omar no choice but to step aside.’

  Nadia’s heart thumped hard, threatening to jump out of her chest. She started hyperventilating. Her thoughts scanned the past years, replaying events she had experienced with Omar, situations she could have seen in a different way had she known. The patience he had shown Shareef when he demanded his sworn oath, his strange behavior in the kitchen the day he had told her about Marwan’s intentions, the emotional way he had bid her goodbye the day of her engagement, his marked calendar counting the days since then. The memories crashed down on her and she feared her heart might stop beating altogether. Fingering her pendant, she whispered, ‘Why didn’t anyone tell me?’

  ‘I had my suspicions for a long time. It’s not my place to say anything.’ Fatimah laid a gentle hand on hers. ‘He never confided in me or Waleed.’

  Huda crossed her arms over her chest. ‘I doubt he confided in anyone.’

  ‘It’s possible you are wrong, then.’ They had to be. Life was not that accommodating. Now that she realized the depth of her feelings for Omar, the possibility of him sharing her feelings seemed improbable. She could not be this lucky. No one was. ‘How can you be so sure?’

  ‘Oh, I’m sure. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t help his emotions from shining in his eyes when he looked at you.’ Huda shook her head. ‘Honestly, it was difficult to watch.’

  Recalling how awkward Omar had been last night, and how he had cut her off in the restaurant, Nadia sprang to her feet. ‘Do you think Marwan knows?’

  ‘We will find out soon enough.’ Huda headed to the door. ‘I’ll see what Mama has in mind before Marwan gets here.’

  Nadia stumbled after her. ‘Mama knows about Omar too?’

  ‘She was the first to notice.’

  An hour crept by. Nadia’s bewilderment and self-doubt increased with each ticking second. The anticipation of Marwan’s visit drove her mad. She kept to herself in the room, unable to face her mother, her thoughts oscillating like a pendulum between her fulfilling interactions with Omar and her stale time with Marwan. Why hadn’t she seen what everyone else saw?

  Foretelling possibilities for a future with Omar, relief swept over her like a tide bringing hope and promises. Lightheaded, she couldn’t sit still. She paced the room, suppressing nervous laughter, keeping elation trapped inside her chest. Marwan. She had to address the issue of Marwan. Should she tell him how she felt before he had a chance to say anything, or should she let him get everything out of his system first?

  The doorbell rang, and she heard him greet everyone in the living room. Running her fingers through her loose hair, she took a deep breath and stepped out.

  Marwan stood to face her, his stance reserved and polite. ‘Are you all right?’

  She nodded, her courage abandoning her, tying her tongue. She took the seat across from where he stood and threw an apologetic glance at her mother, sitting with both her grandchildren on her lap. To her surprise, Mama drew her lips into a soft smile, bolstering her nerves.

  Marwan sat on the edge of the sofa and rested his elbows on his knees. ‘I respected Omar’s wishes and waited until now to talk to you. Will you tell me what’s going on?’

  ‘Did he not explain things?’

  ‘Omar didn’t say much. He has enough to worry about, and you shouldn’t have burdened him with our problems.’

  ‘What’s the matter with Omar?’ Mama asked.

  ‘You haven’t heard?’ Marwan sounded impatient. ‘A military coup overthrew the government. Hafez Al Assad is in power now.’

  Fatimah grabbed her youngest before he slipped from Mama’s hands. ‘Is Omar in danger?’

  ‘It shouldn’t affect him a great deal. His superiors most likely will change. Assad will instate Ba’ath party members loyal to him in places of power.’

  ‘That’s why Omar couldn’t come with me.’ How blind and selfish she had been. She hadn’t sensed his panic when he dropped her off at the bus station. She had been too absorbed by her predicament. Huda was right. She was selfish.

  ‘Omar will be stuck in Homs for a while, until things calm down.’ Marwan addressed Mama, ‘Do you mind if I have a word with Nadia in private?’

  Mama waved her hand at Huda and Fatimah. ‘Come. Let them talk.’

  Fatimah hesitated to follow Mama into her room, trying to honor her promise to Omar not to leave Nadia alone with Marwan.

  ‘Fatimah, the children need to be changed.’ Mama’s tone left no room for argument, and Fatimah complied.

  As soon as the door to Mama’s room closed, Marwan rounded on Nadia. ‘How could you do this?’

  ‘Do what?’ Nadia tried to sound nonchalant, making it seem she had not a c
are in the world. If Marwan was looking for a way to accept what she did, then she would have to force his hand.

  ‘You realize your situation is bad right now?’

  ‘According to whom?’

  ‘To me, damn it.’ His voice remained calm, but his face reddened. ‘I thought you held me in better regard than this. You are tied to my name. What you did affects my family.’

  ‘But your family doesn’t know.’

  He placed his hand on his chest. ‘I know. You went to Omar behind my back. You spent the night . . . outside your home. And don’t try this meaningless talk that he is like a brother to you. I know better.’

  She stared at him. So he knew how Omar felt. And like everyone else, he had said nothing. Was she the last to know? Anger boiled under her skin. Perhaps she underestimated Marwan’s trust in Omar. ‘You aren’t seriously accusing me or Omar of misconduct.’

  ‘Don’t insult me.’ Marwan thrust his face closer. ‘I know Omar like I know the lines in my palm. I thought I knew you too, but you took me by surprise.’

  ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have been so impulsive, I give you that. But I don’t see how big of a problem that is.’

  He slammed his hands to his sides. ‘If you can’t feel the weight of what you’ve done, then I have a bigger problem.’ He held her shoulders and mellowed his tone. ‘Two years. Two years and you haven’t figured out what matters to me?’

  ‘Your family, your cousin’s orphan, your commitment to your uncle, your frien—’

  ‘You.’ His arms shook. ‘You are more important.’ His voice spilled out like scorching lava.

  Confused by the raw emotion, she let him pull her closer. His facial features morphed with the closeness. Angles of his strong jaw softened and his shaved skin hid his masculine severity. What had she done to this solid man? Though trapped by his strong grip, she felt a power she had not known before. Feminine power putting her ahead of anything else in his life. She swallowed.

  He touched his forehead to hers. ‘Let’s get married and end this madness.’

  The warmth of Marwan’s forehead burned her skin; his heavy breathing fanned her cheeks. Her stomach turned like it did every time Mama fried fish in the house. A compelling need to escape outdoors had always overtaken her. Now, she had the same urge to flee. She did not expect this turn. Things had gone in the opposite direction of what she wanted. She misjudged Marwan’s feelings for her. All the better reason to let him go. He did deserve better than her. Someone who could love him back with the same intensity, if not more. Someone pure and whole. And she was tainted with the controversy she had created by her actions, a huge part of her soul resting in Omar’s hands. She placed her hands on Marwan’s chest and pushed. A timid move.

  His fingers tightened on her shoulders. ‘Marry me.’ His voice but a whisper, he failed at hiding the urgency in his tone. ‘I will do everything I can to make you happy.’ His words oozed with emotion, coaxing, shrouding her with new sensations she didn’t invite. Why did he make her experience this now?

  She shoved him harder, unlocking their bodies. ‘Are you testing me?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You want to see if I will allow you indiscretions? Now that you think I act recklessly?’

  ‘Nadia, no.’ He stumbled backward. The insult colored his face crimson and indignation deepened his dark eyes. ‘How could you think that of me? I can’t help the way I feel about you. I want to marry you despite—’

  ‘Despite what I did? I don’t need your charity.’

  ‘Despite the fact that you don’t love me the same way.’ He yelled out the words, and his eyes flew to the door of Mama’s room. It remained shut. ‘If that makes me a fool, I don’t care.’

  ‘What does that make me?’

  ‘My wife.’ With his defeated tone, the words came out broken. ‘Why are you doing this? I’ve done everything you asked of me. With all the pressures I am under, I’ve done my best to accommodate your wishes.’ He reached out for her again, and she backed away. ‘Please tell me what you want. You don’t want to take care of my cousin’s child? That can be worked out. You want to get your diploma? I will make sure you do. You want a job? Fine by me.’

  Desperation seeped into his voice and saddened his beautiful eyes, hiding them further behind his long eyelashes. It tore at her heart. Her anger turned to pity, an emotion she never expected to experience toward strong, dignified Marwan. She had to end his downward spiral. But what could she say? She dropped on the sofa. ‘I cannot marry you.’

  ‘Why?’ he exploded. ‘For the sake of all angels, just tell me.’

  Her tears ran as if a faucet had been turned on. Was that all she could do? She cowered under his piercing gaze, her tongue tied a thousand knots.

  ‘Is there someone else?’

  Several seconds passed and she remained silent. She twisted her engagement ring around her finger, hesitant to slide it off while he watched.

  He dropped beside her, his knees almost touching hers. ‘Is that why you went to Omar?’

  ‘He . . . he was very angry.’ She chanced a glance at Marwan. ‘He thought I was . . . cruel for using him to hurt you.’

  He released a ragged breath. ‘Omar was right.’

  ‘Please, you must not blame him. Omar cherishes you.’

  His jaw muscles clenched several times. ‘And you . . . love him?’

  Was there a state deeper than love? Omar was part of her composition. It was like waking up from a coma when she came into his presence. There was no way she would admit her feelings out loud now, to articulate them using simple words for the first time. And to whom? To her fiancé? She hardly breathed.

  ‘You refused to take off his pendant and wore it with mine all the time. No one wears silver and gold necklaces together. Rihab had told me and I thought nothing of it.’ He placed a hand on her fidgeting fingers, staying them. ‘I should have known then.’ He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. ‘Does Omar know?’

  ‘I don’t think so. I don’t want to ruin your friendship with him.’

  ‘You don’t give me enough credit. You don’t know me at all.’ He knelt in front of her, took off his ring, and placed it in her hands. ‘Regardless of what you think of me, I want you to be happy.’ He brought her hands to his lips and placed a warm kiss.

  She watched him leave through the front door, her vision blurred.

  The door to Mama’s room opened. ‘Why are you crying?’ Mama sounded angry and less forgiving than Nadia had hoped. ‘Did you expect another outcome after what you did? Isn’t this what you wanted?’

  Fatimah shoved a couple of tissues into Nadia’s hands. ‘Better it happened now. Better than having her come back to you in a couple of years divorced with a baby in her arms.’

  Mama took a chair. ‘What are we going to do now? You have ruined everything!’ Her outburst snapped Nadia out of her trance. ‘People will want to know why Marwan broke the engagement.’ Mama slammed her palms on her thighs. ‘What have I done to deserve this?’

  Another slap.

  ‘Why did God take Mustafa and leave me to deal with this child alone?’

  Slap.

  ‘Now I will have two unmarried daughters under my roof.’

  Slap.

  ‘Where is my son to relieve my load?’

  ‘Mama, stop wailing like an old woman.’ Huda stepped in. ‘Shareef would have made a bigger mess had he been here, so don’t pretend he could be the answer to your troubles. And who told you I wanted to be under the mercy of a man, anyway?’

  ‘Stop aggravating the matter.’ Fatimah pushed past Huda and pulled quiet Nadia off the sofa. ‘Kiss your mother’s hand, habibti. Ask for her forgiveness and blessings. We will work everything out.’

  Nadia grabbed Mama’s hands, kissing them and touching them to her forehead three times. Mama remained silent, not uttering the usual forgiving prayers. Desperate, Nadia dropped to her knees and tried to kiss her mother’s feet. Mama placed a hand on Nadia’s head. ‘
Get up.’

  The phone rang, startling everyone. Huda picked up the handset, put her hand on the speaker, and mouthed out the words, ‘Rihab. Marwan’s sister.’

  Mama motioned to talk to Rihab. Huda shook her head, gripping the phone with both hands. She greeted Rihab, and then fell silent. Several minutes passed.

  ‘Of course. Thank you.’ Huda ended the call.

  ‘Well?’ Mama wrung her hands. ‘What did she say?’

  ‘Rihab apologized on behalf of her brother.’ Huda stuck an index finger in the air. ‘Apologized, you see?’

  Mama raised her eyebrows. ‘Apologized?’

  ‘Marwan told her he had to break his commitment to Nadia because his uncle was putting too much pressure on him to marry his cousin’s widow. She hoped we could understand Marwan’s position. She wants to visit soon to wish Nadia well.’

  Mama put her palms together under her chin and lifted her eyes to the ceiling. ‘Alhamdullilah! ’

  ‘Rihab said Marwan hopes he will be welcome here once Omar returns.’ Huda shrugged. ‘I agreed, of course. The noble man proved himself to be of a special caliber.’ She connected eyes with Nadia. ‘Makes me reconsider my opinion of men.’

  An invisible force pulled Nadia’s bones out of her body. She no longer could bring herself to her feet, and she fell back on her heels. Fatimah leaned by her side, surrounded her with her arms, and pulled her along to her bed, murmuring soothing words and sucking the guilt out of her soul.

  34

  ‘I did what Nadia wanted. You understand that, right?’ Marwan took the chair in Omar’s room. ‘I had no choice. It has nothing to do with . . . with what she did.’

  Omar kept his eyes on the water kettle, watching boiling bubbles rise to the surface. He didn’t know what to say to his friend, who had arrived on his doorstep out of the blue. So much had happened in one day. When he had returned to the base, he had been caught up in the upheaval of the swift rank changes following the coup. His mind had kept straying to Nadia’s visit, to her declaration of sorts, and his inability to do a damn thing about it had mounted with his frustrating situation. The world was crumbling around him: the death of Nasser but a month earlier, and now this earthquake of a coup. The superior who had saved his ass in the morning was arrested, no idea what the charge was. Omar had made a quick visit to the man’s wife as soon as he was allowed to leave the base, and assured her he would launch a defense for her husband. He had friends who graduated ahead of him and worked at attorney offices all over the country, including the Military Court.