One Love, Many Tears

by Gertrude U. Uzoh

  By now, her walls are gradually up once again because she can already anticipate what he is going to say, taking signals from her experiences and her perceptive, built-in personal antenna. She has her own ability of reading people and can jump to conclusions most times. But here, she seems to have always known Edmond would say what he later finally says, because she has picked up his vibes previously. It looks more like she has asked the questions in the first place, merely to get the disturbing heat out of her system.

  But in order not to be wrong, Edmond chooses his words more carefully. “Hey, Cynthia,” he starts slowly. “I’ve been meaning to tell you how I feel about you. You know, it’s been some months now that we’ve known each other, and all through this time, I can’t help but like you all the more.” He pauses briefly to keep his pulse in check. “But I don’t know if you would allow me closer. I sincerely hope and wish you to, because I truly like you.”

  He looks at her now for a response, but she is mute, her eyes completely off his focus, avoiding any contact. Sipping her wine ever so slowly, she is wondering quietly within herself, Just how much closer, Mr. Edmond? She is sitting almost aloof on the opposite sofa with her legs crossed, like some icy queen.

  Yet to Edmond, she looks so pretty like that, just like the goddess he has always admired and has now come to desire! Edmond’s heart gives a deep lurch at that thought, and at the beautiful, harmless attitude about her. He swallows helplessly.

  Cynthia is not saying anything and simply concentrates on her wine glass, but she is all ears. Edmond wants at the moment to tell her that he is in love with her. But instead he says, “Cynthia, I want us to be more than just friends. Do you know why?” But the question is more to confirm what he is saying than have Cynthia reply. “Because I like you so much that I want to love you. I want to be lucky, to be the man that will love you always. I want you to give me the opportunity to love you. Would you allow it?” He finishes with a little relaxation of his shoulders in relief, thanking God silently in his heart that he finally got it out. No more postponements!

  Cynthia equally has a slight heave of her shoulders as he finishes his speech, seeing how hard it was for him to say all that. She impulsively copies his heave as if she was the one talking, as if he has been saying what she has always known he would. The things he said are not new to her. Still, she has no reason whatsoever to take him seriously or consider him any different from what she has always feared.

  Yet she is touched by his words and the very action in them, even though she does not believe him. Who really knows his true motive? she reminds herself. Her fear of intimacy resurfaces now, and promptly too, before she can give away herself or let down her guard. It rapidly overpowers whatever soft spot that wants to arouse within her at Edmond’s words. She surely does not want to make any mistakes, and she’d better not trust her riotous feelings now.

  Cynthia is definitely afraid of falling in love, knowingly or unknowingly. But what she does not seem to know is that she is already in love. Her next action and words prove it to Edmond.

  She knows she likes Edmond as a friend, but somewhere in her heart, she feels not quite ready for some special or intimate relationship that appears to be full of uncertainties. She may probably never be ready—her fears may never let her! Besides, how can she be sure that he is true? How can she know if Edmond is real or not, keeping in mind all the self-warnings she has lived by all these years?

  But she does understand what Edmond means by “closer friendship.” As much as she tries not to hurt his feelings, she also cannot compromise herself. So this time, she articulates herself seriously, keeping her usual, casual dispositions aside.

  “I do not really know what to say to all that, but if you must know, I just like you as a friend, and nothing more. I’m not quite sure right now if I want anything more than just this friendship with you. I like it the way it is now. Anything more than that would be quite uncomfortable. That’s the truth!” She explains very carefully, almost denying her inner silent whispers. Yet, she is blushing helplessly and avoiding his eyes quite dutifully.

  Edmond is going to capitulate on it now—he knows some psychology of body languages, after all! “So why are you not looking at me? Why do I feel you are not telling me how you truly feel about me?” he prods gently, believing Cynthia can give him a chance eventually, hoping his love will win her distant heart.

  He looks at her searchingly for one brief minute; and suddenly offers her a quiet assuring smile. Edmond sees all the love hidden in the depth of her eyes, and he watches the various questions and emotions that vividly struggle for answers, playing so freely on her face in obvious confusion and somehow fear. He cannot help but feel more loving. He finds her very transparent, and he can easily see between her worries.

  But despite the obvious, her response this time is suddenly reactionary to the simple question of avoiding his eyes, like when someone is told a truth she doesn’t want to hear. She quickly rises from the couch and matches towards Edmond, carrying her gorgeous frame with an accustomed gait that, unknown to her, Edmond finds very drawing. She bends over a little and looks direct into his eyes in a bid to counter his subtle insinuation.

  “Listen to me, Edmond. I just said that I’m not ready for it right now, and whatever you are trying to do to pull me in is in vain. Okay? Sorry about that, but right now, I am not ready!” She says in her practiced calm, but she is very heated all the same, with voice slightly raised to emphasize her point. But in all the drama, she tensely ignores the initial point he made about her feelings for him. And of course, she diverts her eyes as soon as she finishes her dramatic speech.

  Hmm! Those eyes are just too deep and penetrating, but I will overcome them, she assures herself secretly as she withdraws from him, only to take a sullen refuge by the wine rack close by. She keeps pacing about it slowly but restlessly, in an absent-minded bout of reflection. The wine rack is a fanciful mobile craft made of colored glass. It lodges about five bottles in each of its three-step racks, and it is suspended halfway to the ceiling on an iron support that revolves around its centerpiece decanter. The decanter standing in the middle of the cell is slim and lined with mirrors. The revolving movement of the bottles around the decanter creates an illusion of more bottles than there are, each revolving round their separate axes and giving out mixed-up color combinations. Their multiplied reflections and refractions create a haphazard, spherical aberration that adds lull to the ambience of the room. In the moment, Cynthia allows herself to float in the lure of the impressive vision as her mind goes into recess.

  However, surprisingly to Edmond, her last speech sounded pained and carried a tone of fear, mistrust, and lack of faith. It sounded almost like an angry outburst. She is evidently struggling with herself, or with a feeling she does not want to admit or trust. Edmond suddenly realizes it and now decides to take it slowly. “Hey, Cynthia, I do not mean to upset you. I only said how I feel about you. I said it hoping you would give us a chance, to see if we can be more than just friends,” he explains as gently as he can, standing up himself now. He moves toward her to cover the little space between them, and she quickly moves back and away from him at once, like she is trying to flee a plague.

  But Edmond does not see her reaction and rebuff as an offense, whether or not she intends it that way. Instead, he sees it as a defense; there is something wrong somewhere! Perhaps she is not really as happy as she seems on the surface, he tells himself. But this thought only inspires him more, as he now feels it would be great if he were to bring more happiness into her life, assuming his suspicions prove right. He trusts himself to be capable of that.

  He is truly concerned that she is probably hurting, even if she may not admit it. It is obvious to him now that she is not really all that happy, and he is going to find out what may have caused this lovely one to hurt so badly. Her deeper soul is silent, almost confiding secretly to Edmond without her con
sent, revealing to him clearly by his perception, and through her actions and words, that she has secret pains.

  Looking at her now, and seeing easily through her walls and going beyond those barriers, he can surprisingly see how much love she has inside her, though it is inhibited. Even more, Edmond may never be able to explain it, but he can instantly see how much love she needs with an unparalleled ease, and he quickly rejoices within himself, knowing that if given the chance, he can give her that love.

  Even as she is surely going to be a challenge, he concedes within himself that he doesn’t want himself or his love to be considered merely because of what he can give her. He will take his time with her, very patiently, until she can get a better view of him and trust him. He deeply needs to be loved for who he is, too, not just for what he could give! But both of them will know that later, he assures himself as he silently hopes the heavens are on his side. Who would be able to warm his heart more than this lovely goddess? He finally admits to himself here and now that he is in love.

  Following her body movements across the room with his gaze, he can read distant wariness as she edgily shifts from one leg to the other, in slow tandem with the tinkling tune of the decanter. But even as upset as she looks, she still looks so beautiful. Even as angry as she sounds, she still sounds very enchanting to him. Would he dare say that she looks very sexy too, standing there dreamily, just a few steps away from him, even though she is looking so obviously troubled? His heart lurches again, and he swallows heavily this time, gulping in as much air as he can.

  She is surely beautiful, pleasing, and pleasant of heart, no matter how hard she tries to hide behind her walls. Her grace remains intact, and the treasure he can see beneath it all cannot be blurred by this hideous wall. Not as long as he can see this endless pool of love in her eyes, and the sweetness he can also perceive from her deep, golden heart.

  No! These walls have got to be broken, he promises himself silently.

  Edmond has never felt so sure of a woman before, even though this woman is hardly giving him the chance. Neither has he ever been affected this way before by a woman’s obvious rebuff. He is lost in his world of admiration for the split moment, wondering at his previous experiences, where he was the one that kept away women. Then he looks at her with unspoken words as he concludes his comparison of his experiences. His eyes twinkle loudly, beyond his control.

  She is standing before him, equally lost in her own thoughts. He knows resolutely that he will be doing a lot of work, working his way into her heart. And as if reading his mind to confirm what he just said to himself, Cynthia finally looks back at him reflectively and says, “Look, Edmond, I like you as a friend. You truly seem to be a nice guy. I also understand and respect your feelings. But there can’t be anything between us, okay? Truly! At least for now, and for very personal reasons you don’t have to ask me about. Please,” she explains again, trying not to sound harsh, but this time she has a resigned finality.

  But her last words to Edmond, unknown to her, speak differently of her fabricated resistance, giving him more hope still. All her words of resistance seem to sound welcoming to Edmond, as they all sound truly fabricated to his keen sensitivity.

  Though completely daunted, Edmond is impressed instead of put off. And knowing exactly how to handle her defenses, he merely agrees with her call for now, keeping the rest for later.

  She now moves to sit down, obviously tired of standing and grateful that the subject has now been agreed on, and to her own respectable, well-explained call not to be discussed again. But Edmond quickly moves closer, stopping her short of her own move as he unexpectedly holds her right hand. Then he slowly pulls her toward himself, saying,

  “It’s okay. We will do as you say. I really do not want to lose your friendship. I’m okay with what you just said,” he reiterates with a love she has never seen before in anyone’s eyes, and she happens to be just close enough in his hold not to have missed the wonderful sight.

  Instantly, she feels so weakened at the brief contact of their hands, as something within her soul moves without her accord in response to the enthralling sight from his eyes. Keeping her fixated in the moment, he now moves closer slowly, aiming to hug her. She is still standing trapped for a brief moment, and looking maybe a little unreasonably upset. But surprisingly she does not pull away from him this time.

  Her next reaction tells Edmond that he is surely not making any mistake at all: she simply and most readily collapses into his hug the moment he reached her. She seems very weak now, and he is holding her steady in that embrace. With her head now resting on his right shoulder, her right arm clasps his left arm, while her left one clutches his right elbow for support. She can feel and hear his heartbeat. Her own heart stops for one brief moment now; his own heartbeat is quite loud and clear to her, and she can hear its message. She remains there, listening.

  After a while of being in each other’s embrace, he gently draws her face up so they are looking at each other.

  “Cynthy, I…” He stops, not very sure whether he should say it now. “See, I really like you honestly, and I am very sure my heart draws me to you. I know I love you, Cynthia. Or at least, I would want to love you, if you would just let me. You surely have reasons to wonder at me, but you can also take all your time. I really want to know you some more. Maybe we should just give each other time to know.” He pauses in agonizing passion and, patting her upturned face lightly, he adds, “You can tell me your fears and not worry about them. Let me know what you are afraid of, and throw me off if you notice that I make your fears real. But keep me close to your heart if you see that I will make your fears impossible.” Then he stops again, touches her lips faintly, and smiles. “You can also be rest assured, my fair lady, that I won’t increase your worries about your treasures. Worry not at all about that, my dear.”

  Edmond finally lets out his heart freely after his initial hesitation, finishing the last bit with a touch of delight.

  Cynthia is not saying anything. But she thinks, What does he mean by that—worries about my treasures? Edmond has spoken to her in a parable, and she is surprised. Maybe she doesn’t know that Edmond can read her reflective thoughts as well as she can read other people. Obviously, he is making accurate deductions and assumptions about her! This shakes her even more.

  Then after a while, she merely moves her hand from his shoulder to his waist and instinctively hugs him more closely. “It’s okay, Edmond. We are still friends,” she says so quietly, and with a silent endorsement to the realization of her heart’s secret desire.

  “I love you, Cynthia,” he says, looking in her eyes.

  She can’t say anything immediately in reply. She is nonplused this time, not because of his words but because of his eyes! She catches something else in his eyes, which she recognizes as a deep affection and total self-abandonment. His eyes seem to bear a charm of their own, with all the sensational things she can see in them.

  He looks into her eyes, too. A lot of silent promises are there. He can’t escape the alluring innocence and divinity they bear. He feels satisfied. Then he looks past her and ahead, imagining the endless promises.

  He draws her face up again, and by bringing their entwined hands up between them, he kisses all her fingers slowly. Then he touches her soft, soft lips.

  Such tenderness she feels now from the dual acts! Then she calls, “Edmond,” so dizzily and almost slobbering over him, as she falls back with her head on his chest. He simply holds her that way, not moving at all and not saying anything anymore. He only smiles to himself now, seeing his dreams coming true in the beautiful future he will have with her. She is holding on to him now, so comfortably beyond herself, and that alien familiarity and feeling like she has known him for ages finally engulfs her.

  Because she already had a secret soft spot for him, and her heart already loves him even without her being consciously aware of it,
her guard is instantly shut down by such a very simple and genuine act of affection and love. If this is love, then she will give it a chance and see what happens! She promises this to herself serenely, still wrapped in his loving embrace.

  The player still rolls out very soft music that matches the moment and soothes the eternal yearnings of their souls. They are still standing, entwined in this timeless moment. Intuitively, they begin to rock slowly to the music for so long, until their legs become too weak to carry them. Then they slither together to one of the couches, sitting down again for another friendlier chat—this time with much lesser tension between them. She is now more relaxed, both with him and with herself.

  They chat away the rest of the afternoon and the evening. She is obviously no longer eager for him to leave.

  Cynthia is definitely vulnerable at this time of her life, even without knowing it. She would say she has been very careful in guarding herself, but maybe it is only her stars that keep her! She is still a virgin at twenty-eight, with little or no sexual experience at all. But surely she lives with a load of information on sex and other people’s love stories. And a good number of such stories that she fondly keeps to heart have been mostly heartbreaking and disappointing ones. Coupled with her own fragility and her pain-sharpened social perception, she hasn’t actually totally lived, and her guarded lifestyle, her fears, and her worries are immense and unexplored. Her primal resistance may be founded, but she still grows very weak when touched in her sacred place. Anybody can take advantage of her in this fragility! Indeed, there are many smarter and highly ingenuous people who can comfortably beat down her carefulness. And then, of what use would they have been, all her fears and carefulness? But luckily for her, Edmond is a guy with honest and noble intentions. Besides, her stars seem to be truly shining bright, bestowing great rewards upon her painstaking efforts.

  Or perhaps it is the sheer strength of her dreams. From a much younger age, she has always known what she wants from life, and how she is going to live, not minding how reclusive or conservative she might seem to others. Her personal safety mechanism of practiced disenchantment has been her secret strength that wards off fake guys all these years. Her reliable, inner antenna picked up the signals and assured her that Edmond is real.