A Mother's Shame

by Rosie Goodwin

  He seemed to be struggling with himself for some moments but then he nodded again. ‘Aye, you’re right. You do deserve to know the truth, then perhaps you’ll understand.’

  Crossing to him, she laid her hand gently on his shoulder as he began. ‘The thing is . . . I can never marry you ’cos – ’cos I’m already married.’

  It was as Kitty had feared, but she let him go on.

  ‘I met my wife some years ago in Queensland, in a bar. She was a singer there and a right bonnie lass. She had the men falling at her feet, so I suppose I was flattered that she bothered wi’ me. Within months we were married. That was when the problems started. Lilly was not prepared to stay at home. She liked the glamour and the excitement of singing in the bars, and for a wee while I put up with it. But then I started to hear whispers that she was going with other men behind my back, so I put my foot down and told her that I thought it was time she stayed at home and started a family. That was all I ever really wanted in life, you see, since I didn’t have much of a childhood myself.’

  Kitty’s heart went out to him but she remained silent so he went on, ‘All seemed well for a while, then one night I got home from work to find she’d gone. Took all her stuff an’ left without so much as a by your leave. Huh! I rushed round to the bar where she had worked, only fer the landlord’s wife to tell me Lilly’d run off with her husband. They’d taken every penny they could lay their hands on, and that was the last I ever saw of her. So you see, I could never do right by you, Kitty, not while I’m legally married to someone else. And that’s the long and the short of it.’

  ‘But if you were free . . . would yer marry me then?’ Kitty asked tentatively. So much rested on the answer he might give.

  ‘Had anyone asked me that question before I met you, my answer would have been no,’ Robbie replied truthfully. ‘Lilly tore the heart out of me when she ran away and I swore that I’d never get close enough to anyone to let them hurt me ever again. And then you came along and stole my heart. So the answer to that question is, yes, I’d gladly marry you tomorrow if I were free, Kitty.’

  ‘Then that’s good enough fer me,’ Kitty told him tenderly. ‘Fer I don’t need no ring on me finger, Robbie. All I need is you. If you’ll have me, that is.’

  ‘Aw, lass.’ He rose and drew her into his arms and she had a sense of coming home. ‘But I’ve nothing much to offer you, just this place. I’m never going to be rich and you could do so much better for yourself.’

  She shook her head. ‘No, I couldn’t. An’ the thing is, what yer said about wantin’ a family . . . well, this little ’un I’m carryin’ is goin’ to need a dad.’

  She felt his whole body tense and then he held her at arm’s length and stared at her incredulously.

  ‘What? You mean you . . .’

  She grinned. ‘O’ course I can’t be certain yet,’ she admitted. ‘But I’ve already missed a course.’ She blushed, speaking of such personal things but they needed to be said. ‘An’ I’ve been feelin’ sick of a mornin’ so I’m fairly certain.’

  His eyes seemed to light up from inside as he asked, ‘But wouldn’t the shame of not being married get you down, lassie?’

  She sniffed. ‘Why should it? Esperanza and Freddie ain’t married, are they? An’ I don’t see no one pointin’ their fingers at them. As far as I’m concerned, we would be married – all but fer a piece o’ paper. An’ as fer this place . . .’ She let her eyes wander about the small room. ‘All those years I spent locked away in Hatter’s Hall, I always dreamed o’ havin’ a home of me own, an’ I can’t imagine anywhere better than this.’ But then there was no more time for talk, for as Robbie crushed her close against him she sighed with contentment.

  When Maria entered the kitchen early the next morning with Faith in her arms she looked around in surprise at the empty room. Kitty was usually up and about and preparing the breakfast by now, but today there was no sign of her, which was strange to say the least. Laying Faith in her crib she then prodded the fire back to life and threw some logs onto it before pushing the sooty kettle into the heart of it. Perhaps Kitty was having a lie-in? Judging by how peaky she had looked for the last couple of weeks Maria thought that it might do her good so she decided not to disturb her.

  She was preparing the teapot when Josh joined her, yawning and stretching his arms above his head. He now slept in the room that had been Isabelle’s, and much as Maria had done he glanced about the room before commenting, ‘No Kitty this morning?’

  Maria shook her head as she prepared some milk for Faith. ‘No. She’s probably overslept so I thought I’d leave her for a little longer. She’s been looking a bit tired and run down lately, don’t you think?’

  ‘Yes I do, but I reckon that’s more to do with her and Robbie’s estrangement than a health problem,’ he replied, then seeing that she was trying to do two jobs at once he said, ‘You see to the tea and the breakfast and I’ll feed Faith, shall I?’ Even as he spoke he lifted the infant from the crib and kissed her round cheek soundly. Maria smiled. It never failed to move her when she saw him with the baby. He was so gentle and tender with her, and she had no doubt that one day he would make a wonderful father. She fetched some bacon from the marble shelf in the larder and was just about to start frying it when the door opened and Robbie and Kitty appeared with broad smiles on their faces.

  ‘Oh!’ Maria said, putting the bacon down. ‘I thought you were still in bed, Kitty. You must have been up bright and early.’ Then as she saw the look that passed between the two, comprehension dawned and she felt herself blush.

  ‘I’m glad I’ve caught yer, Master Josh,’ Kitty said, ignoring the shocked look on Maria’s face. ‘’Cos the thing is . . . well, I won’t be comin’ back to England with yer. I’m stayin’ here wi’ Robbie so I won’t be needin’ yer to book me a passage home.’

  ‘But that’s wonderful news!’ Maria exclaimed as she rushed over to hug them both. ‘When will you be getting married? Oh, I just knew that you two were meant for each other and—’

  ‘Whoa!’ Kitty held her hand up and stopped Maria mid-flow before telling her with no trace of shame: ‘The fact is, Robbie an’ I won’t be getting married ’cos we’re not able to, but we’ll be just as good as.’

  ‘You . . . you mean you are going to live together?’ Maria breathed.

  Kitty nodded. ‘That’s about the long an’ the short of it. But now Robbie, tell ’em what you told me an’ then happen they’ll understand.’

  And so Robbie did just that, stuttering and stammering over his words. When he was done there was a stunned silence until Kitty asked, ‘Now do yer understand? Me an’ Robbie love each other, so why shouldn’t we be together? He shouldn’t have to spend the rest of his life alone because of one mistake he made, an’ I know we can be happy. An’ let’s face it, what have I got to go back to?’

  Josh suddenly sprang forward and grasping Robbie’s hand he began to pump it up and down, saying, ‘Congratulations! I wish you all the best. Between you and me, I’ve thought you two were made for each other since the first time I saw you together.’

  And now Maria hugged Kitty with tears in her eyes. ‘I’m really thrilled for you, Kitty,’ she told her, ‘but I shall miss you so much.’

  ‘I shall miss you too, but yer can always come out an’ see us. I shall be right here – now and forever.’ She and Robbie exchanged a loving glance, and in that moment Maria knew that Kitty had made the right decision. It seemed that there was to be a happy ending after all . . . for one of them at least.

  ‘I think we should have a celebration,’ Josh declared. Crossing to the cupboard, he began to rifle through it, murmuring, ‘I’m sure I saw a couple of bottles of wine in here . . . ah, here we are. It should have been champagne really but this will have to do.’

  In no time they all had a glass in their hand and raising his, Josh made a toast to the happy couple. Kitty was positively bubbling with happiness and Maria prayed that it would last. Kitty had become very
dear to her and she wanted her to be happy. She had a sneaky feeling that from now on she would be, so she raised her glass too and soon their laughter was bouncing off the walls.

  Robbie broke the news to Frederick and Esperanza the next morning and they too were overjoyed to learn that Kitty would be staying.

  ‘We must have a leetle party!’ Esperanza cried.

  Frederick smiled indulgently. Esperanza didn’t need much of an excuse for a get-together and a celebration but he thought it was a nice idea all the same. And then Binda said something that stopped them all in their tracks.

  ‘Do they not wish to become married?’

  ‘W-why yes, they do,’ Josh flustered. ‘But Robbie already has a wife somewhere.’

  ‘It would be of no account if he’d settle for an Aboriginal marriage ceremony,’ she informed him. ‘The men in my tribe are allowed more than one wife. I could take them over to the village where I came from, and the Elder there would perform it. It would be as binding before the spirits as a Christian marriage, and then we could have a real party.’

  ‘In that case I will certainly put it to them,’ Josh told her enthusiastically. ‘And I’ve no doubt they will both jump at the chance. Thank you, Binda.’

  Binda smiled broadly then settling herself out on the verandah she sucked quietly on her clay pipe.

  Just as he had thought, Kitty and Robbie were all for it, when Josh relayed Binda’s message to them the next day.

  ‘Of course, I’m not sure that it will be binding by law, but it might make you feel more committed.’

  ‘I couldn’t be any more committed to Robbie than I already am,’ Kitty said softly. ‘But it’s a lovely idea all the same.’

  Robbie nodded. ‘It certainly is, so I’ll tell Binda to go ahead an’ arrange it just as soon as she likes,’ he beamed.

  The date was set for two weeks’ time. Frederick would drive the happy couple to Binda’s village and after the Elder had performed the ceremony they would return to the ranch for a small reception.

  Esperanza was almost beside herself now that she had a wedding to arrange.

  ‘We must go into Hobart and find you a suitable outfit,’ she told Kitty, and the girl didn’t put up much of a fight. She was quite enjoying all the attention. Once the shopping trip was over and the outfit was chosen, Kitty locked it away at the ranch, declaring that no one was to see it until the day of the wedding. Esperanza also forbade Kitty from staying with Robbie again until after the ceremony. ‘A wedding is a wedding, after all, be it a Christian service or otherwise,’ she told them primly. Everyone found this highly amusing, seeing as she and Frederick had lived together for all those years with no sign of a wedding ring. Even so they indulged her and before they knew it the big day was upon them.

  *

  Frederick arrived to take them in the carriage to Binda’s village and when Kitty appeared on the verandah looking like a vision, Robbie could hardly speak. Kitty had always been beautiful to him, but today she looked breath-taking.

  ‘Och lass,’ he said chokily. ‘You are as pretty as a picture. I reckon I must be the luckiest man alive.’

  Esperanza beamed. She had played an enormous part in helping Kitty to choose her bridal attire and was more than pleased with the results. At first, she had tried to persuade Kitty to wear white, but Kitty had put her foot down. ‘I’ll not have some flimsy thing that will never see the light of day again,’ she said. ‘I want something more practical that I can wear again for special occasions.’ And so together they had chosen a rich blue dress that was nipped in at the waist then billowed into a full skirt, with a lace collar to show off her delicate neckline. On her head she wore a jaunty little hat with a tiny veil that partially covered her face, and she was carrying a bouquet of cream orchids that Robbie had picked from the forest for her that morning. Esperanza had tied them with a blue ribbon to match her dress and Kitty felt like a queen in her bridal finery. Esperanza had pleaded for the small wedding party to be allowed to accompany the couple to Binda’s village for the ceremony but on that Binda had stayed firm.

  ‘Only the two to be bonded and the Elder are allowed to be present,’ she told her mistress solemnly.

  Kitty gazed at Robbie. He was dressed in his McPhee tartan kilt and looked every inch the rugged Highlander. Josh had taken him into the tailor’s in Hobart for a new white shirt. He had shaved and plastered his unruly red hair with macassar oil, but already it was springing back into curls and Kitty’s heart flooded with love as he helped her up into the small carriage. Esperanza and the children had decorated it with flowers and ribbons, and as the two were driven away side by side they waved from the window.

  ‘Now we must hurry back to the ranch and put the finishing touches to the wedding feast,’ Esperanza declared. ‘Come Maria, get Faith and you can travel back in the trap with me.’ Esperanza was a very experienced horsewoman and would normally have arrived on her beautiful spirited mare, but knowing that Maria would need to get the baby safely back to the ranch she had chosen to use the trap today.

  The ranch was a hive of activity when the women got there. The house boys had arranged tables all along the length of one wall in the large main reception room and they were heaving beneath the weight of bowlsful of newly baked bread, whole legs of pork, sides of lamb and great cuts of beef, as well as a variety of pickles and assorted pies.

  ‘Good grief,’ Maria giggled. ‘There’s enough food here to feed the whole of Hobart! How are we ever going to eat it all?’

  ‘Far better for there to be too much than not enough,’ Esperanza responded and then she darted away to issue her last-minute orders. It would soon be time to welcome the newlyweds.

  In the small village where Binda had been born and raised, Robbie and Kitty were just leaving the hut where the Elder had performed the ’bonding ceremony’. It had involved much chanting and joining of hands as the Elder called on the spirits to recognise the bond between the two, and neither of them had understood much of it, but they embraced it all the same. They were aware that the marriage would never be recognised in law, but for Kitty and Robbie it was enough.

  ‘It is done, but he said that we wouldn’t be properly bonded until after the birth of our first child,’ Robbie told Frederick as they climbed back into the gaily decorated carriage while the young Aboriginal women danced about and threw flowers at them.

  ‘Then we shan’t have to wait too long, shall we?’ Kitty answered with a twinkle in her eye. Frederick then urged the horses forward and they trotted off at a smart pace to enjoy their reception.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  ‘I can’t believe that in less than a week you’ll be gone,’ Kitty said fretfully as she folded some more of Faith’s clothes into an open trunk.

  It was now early in October and Josh had secured passages on the Sea Queen, which would be sailing for England the following week.

  ‘An’ how are yer goin’ to manage on the journey back wi’ little Faith to see to, an’ all the washin’ an’ everythin’ all on yer own?’ she went on.

  ‘I’m sure that I shall manage,’ Maria told her confidently. ‘I’m quite capable, you know, and Josh will be there to help.’

  Kitty stared at her thoughtfully before plucking up the courage to ask, ‘An’ what’s goin’ to happen wi’ you an’ Josh when yer get back? A blind man on a gallopin’ donkey can see that yer have feelin’s fer each other.’

  Maria’s hands became still and now she looked at Kitty and sighed. There was no denying it any longer but they had decided to wait until they got home and see what sort of a reception they might receive. Josh’s parents should have received the letter informing them of the date of their arrival by the time they got back, and should be expecting them. Maria could only pray that they would welcome their grandchild – and then if they did, she and Josh might look to their own futures. And yet no matter how hard she tried to convince herself otherwise, she could never imagine them accepting her. It was different for Kitty and Rob
bie. Out here, no one seemed to mind whether couples were legally wed or not, but it was totally different in England. Still, she decided, she would cross that bridge when she came to it. For now, her main concern was getting the child safely home. She could remember only too well how difficult the outward voyage had been, and the loss of lives that had occurred during the journey, and part of her was dreading it. Faith was still so tiny and vulnerable. But at least this time Josh had managed to secure better cabins for them so with luck that would make a difference.

  Kitty was humming softly to herself now as she continued with the packing, and as Maria looked at her she saw that the girl was positively glowing; life with Robbie obviously suited her. She had gained weight too and was very much looking forward to the birth of her child.

  ‘We want at least six nippers,’ she had told Maria cheerfully, which probably accounted for why Robbie was already adding extensions to their cabin. On the day of their wedding, as Kitty referred to it, Frederick had presented them with a deed of gift, which meant they now owned their cabin and five acres of land surrounding it. It had been the icing on the cake for Kitty, who had almost danced with excitement, for now she truly had her own home and family. She could have asked for nothing more and Maria knew that she was contented and that she need never worry about her. That would not stop her missing her though. They had become like sisters.

  ‘We shall have to think about startin’ to pack your stuff soon,’ Kitty commented. ‘We don’t want to be leavin’ everythin’ till the last minute.’

  Maria teased, ‘It sounds like you can’t wait to get rid of me. And anyway, what I have won’t even fill one trunk – and that will be mostly taken up by the outfit that Esperanza gave me.’

  ‘You know that ain’t true,’ Kitty pouted. ‘I shall miss yer all like mad when you’ve gone. In fact, I don’t know what I shall do wi’ meself all day.’

  Maria could well believe that. Every inch of Kitty’s home already gleamed like a new pin.