Fight or Flight

by Jamie Canosa

  She couldn’t decide what to think of that, of him. Jay made her nervous, and the idea of spending the night in the same room, alone with him . . . it put her on just this side of nauseas. On the other hand, he had protected her. Probably more than once if she were honest with herself. Risked his life to save hers. How do you not trust someone after something like that?

  She shook out the bundle of clothes he’d given her, careful to avoid getting them wet. They were immense. Obviously, not Jay’s. Not originally, anyway. Sure, he had a built chest, broad shoulders, and more than a few inches on her, but these were meant for the freaking Terminator. They might have fit Ace. It didn’t matter though. They were dry and warm. That’s all her shivering body and chattering teeth cared about. What was she doing thinking about Jay’s chest anyway? Like she didn’t have enough troubles already?

  Chapter Nine

  Jay

  She looked ridiculous, and way prettier than anyone in rolled up sweatpants and a sweatshirt about ten sizes too big had any right to look. Dammit. He snatched up one of the two thin, scratchy blankets he had accumulated over time to avoid looking at her, and thrust it in her direction without lifting his eyes.

  “You can use this for tonight, but tomorrow you’re on your own.” He warred with himself over his words.

  Part of him knew that it was beyond stupid of him to bring her here. To let her stay. He was only making things easier for her, and if he kept it up, she may not realize how bad things could get until it was too late. But, another part of him—a part he sort of wished he could beat to death with its own empty skull cavity—couldn’t let her go. Couldn’t stand the idea of her being out there on her own, even for one night. After all, look what had happened the one night she’d tried it.

  The fear in Em’s eyes told him she was thinking the same thing. “Please let me stay. I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t make me go.”

  “That!” Jay’s voice was scalding. “That right there proves you can’t handle this. You never, ever promise someone ‘whatever they want’. You have no idea what some people want.”

  Em flinched and he had to bite his lip to keep from taking it all back. He hadn’t lied. That was the hard truth out here and it was better she learned it now, from him, than the hard way later on from someone else.

  “You’re right.” Her gaze dropped to her hands which were knotted so tightly together it looked almost painful. “That was a stupid thing to say.” When her eyes came back to his they were red rimmed, but she held her tears in check. “Please . . . can I just stay? For a little while? I won’t get in your way. I won’t be any trouble, I promise.” Somehow he doubted that. But those eyes. It was like they could see straight through him and she was pleading right with his heart. “I’ll help out. I may not know much right now, but I’ll find a way to pay you back, I swear. I could—”

  “Oh no.” He stopped her before she could really get started. “If I do agree to this—if I let you stay here—then we do things my way. Understood?” Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. This wasn’t some freaking daycare for the new kids on the block.

  “O-kay.” She drew out the word, eyeing him nervously, obviously concerned with what exactly ‘his way’ meant. Good, she was learning.

  “If you stay here, you Stay. Here. I don’t want you running around the city stirring up more trouble. I’ll get what you need and bring it back for you, but I don’t want you to even think about setting foot outside this place until you have a better idea of what exactly it is you’ll be stepping into. Got it?”

  This was a bad idea. A horrific idea. And how exactly he planned on pulling it off, he had no idea. Em stared at him like she half expected him to take it all back. When he didn’t, she nodded so furiously that he worried her head might roll off her shoulders.

  “Yes. Thank you. Thank you, Jay.”

  “Don’t thank me, yet. This is going to be a disaster.” He didn’t say the last part loud enough for her to hear. That was for him to worry about now.

  Chapter Ten

  Em

  Em stood at the window, quietly watching the concrete dry out on the street. That’s how exciting her life had become. Somehow she hadn’t imagined life on the streets to be quite so . . . boring. Not that she was complaining. She would take all the boring she could get after last night. She’d had enough adventure to last her a lifetime.

  The late afternoon sun streamed in through the boards on the window, making the small room comfortably warm. Em had no idea what time it was, but over the past few hours, she’d been watching it slowly sink towards the horizon. There wasn’t much else to do. She’d already explored the rest of her new home, carefully avoiding Skunk and Ace’s room like the plague. Considering how late—or early—she’d heard them come in last night, she felt fairly certain they must still be passed out in there, but she wasn’t taking any chances. She didn’t know them at all, but she knew how the world worked well enough not to trust them. Not to trust anyone.

  She’d even made the unavoidable trip to the bathroom. It wasn’t nearly as bad as she’d expected. Someone had obviously made an effort in there. She’d seen public restrooms dirtier than that, but the smell . . . That was enough to knock her for a loop. She went about her business as quickly as possible, holding her breath until her lungs screamed for oxygen and then took the bucket outside to dispose of like Jay told her to.

  Going back in had been a challenge. The sun and fresh air were a welcome change from that stuffy little room she’d been trapped in all day. She even risked a short stroll down the sidewalk to stretch her legs before turning around and scurrying back inside when her nerves got the better of her. She didn’t know Jay that well, either, but she’d agreed to follow his rules and she wasn’t about to risk blowing the one and only break she’d managed to catch by not staying in like he told her to.

  Her stomach made a low rumbling noise and Em’s gaze drifted back to the muffin sitting on the floor beside her folded blanket for about the billionth time. It had just been sitting there when she woke up. No Jay to be found, but sure, a bedside pastry. Why not?

  The last thing she wanted to do was take what wasn’t hers and overstay her welcome before she could even feel welcome at all, but the more time that passed, the better that muffin was starting to look just sitting there like a sweet, sugary taunt. He wouldn’t have left it beside her if he hadn’t meant for her to eat it, right?

  Her plan had been to ask him when he got back, but so far there hadn’t been a single sign of him and she had no idea how much longer it would be until he returned. Finally deciding that if she was wrong about his intentions, she’d have to make it up to him later, Em peeled off the wrapping and a took a bite of banana nutty goodness. It was cold and slightly stale, but it was food.

  She’d just shoved the last of it into her mouth in a disgustingly large bite, when the door burst open and in strode Jay. She nearly choked, forcing it down her throat but he barely even glanced in her direction.

  “Here. If you’re staying another night you’re going to need a bed. Use these.” He thrust a stack of newspapers at her. “Keep it away from the window so you’re not sleeping in the draft and make it as small as possible. The more layers of paper between you and the floor, the warmer you’ll be.”

  “Wait!” He was already heading back out the door and the word just sort of popped out because she could stop herself. “Where are you going?”

  Jay sighed like he was being forced to explain why the sky was blue to a two year old. “To get something to eat. Aren’t you hungry?”

  Em didn’t answer. The muffin had barely made a dent in her obscene appetite. She was still starving.

  “You eat that muffin I left for you?”

  She nodded, uncomfortably conscious of the fact that there may still be some remnants of it on her face. At least, it had been hers to eat. “Thank you.”

  Jay’s head bobbed briefly. “Now I’m going to get us something for dinner. I shouldn’t be long.”

>   Em didn’t protest when he turned to leave the second time. He had to do what he had to do. And so did she. Even if that were just sitting around in an empty room by herself all day.

  After Jay was gone, Em kept herself occupied with building a small newspaper nest. She followed Jay’s advice keeping it small—just big enough for her to curl up in—and thick. When she finished, she tested it out. The papers didn’t provide much in the way of padding, but she was surprised to find how much warmer it was than lying directly on the wood floor. For a while she just laid there, trying not to think. Trying not to worry. She’d been doing a pretty damn good job of it so far. But eventually, her mind got the better of her.

  Her thoughts wandered back home. Back to him. To his face. To the rage she could almost see brewing in his eyes. He’d know by now. Without a doubt, he’d know what she’d done. She’d never disobeyed before. Not ever.

  What was he doing? Was he looking for her? Was he close? Would he find her? What would he do to her if he did? The further her imagination ran, the worse the scenarios got. He’d never beaten her. Hurt her. Not like that. But she knew what he was capable of.

  Determined not to torture herself any further, Em shifted her thoughts to Jay. Why was he doing all of this? What did he expect from her? He’d rescued her, given her a place to stay, food to eat . . . So far, he hadn’t asked for anything in return, but it was only a matter of time. She couldn’t stick around that long. But for now . . . For now, she had to take her chances because without him—he was right—she’d never make it on her own. How long, though? How long before he—

  “Comfy?”

  Em scooted back, taking half the bed with her in the process. From the way Jay was leaning up against the doorframe, Em guessed he’d been there for a while. She hadn’t even heard him come in. So much for not torturing herself.

  “Hey.” Jay looked startled by her reaction and took a step closer, before thinking better of it and stepping back again. “It’s just me.”

  She planted her back against the wall, but forced herself to stay seated. If she got to her feet, there was no guarantee they wouldn’t run for the door.

  “I brought something to eat.” He lifted a silver tin tray out in front of him like a peace offering, and took a cautious step closer. When she didn’t flee, he took another. And then another, until he was standing right beside her and the smell of whatever was in that tin squashed her flight instincts completely.

  “Where did you get that?”

  Jay slid down the wall until he was seated beside her, bringing with him the amazing aroma of warm meat. When he popped off the plastic lid, Em couldn’t believe her eyes. Turkey and stuffing. Cupping her hand beneath the fork Jay handed her already loaded with a large chunk of turkey to keep any of the gravy from being lost, she savored both the taste and the warmth the food provided.

  “From this little diner a few blocks from here.”

  “How did you get it?”

  “I bought it.” He seemed insulted by the idea that he would have gotten it any other way.

  Jay sighed deeply, dragging Em’s attention away from the food long enough to take her first good look at him. He looked exhausted. Completely worn out. Whatever he’d been doing all day, this food had definitely cost him. She passed the fork back to him, which he reloaded with another bite and handed back to her again.

  “How did you buy it?”

  “With money.”

  Em glanced at the fork Jay was holding out to her again and realized she’d yet to see him eat a bite. “Aren’t you going to eat any?”

  “I’ll have some. Just eat.”

  Em kept her hands planted firmly by her sides, despite her stomach raging at her to take the fork Jay was still shoving in her direction. Scowling, Jay popped the bit in his own mouth and chewed slowly, passing her another.

  “Where did you get money?” If there was a way to make money out here then maybe things weren’t as hopeless as she thought. If she could just save a little up, maybe she could—

  “I worked for it.”

  Em’s shoulders slumped in defeat. Jay was clearly in his usual chatty mood. Getting information out of him was like pulling teeth. On a lion.

  Temporarily thwarted, she popped another bite in her mouth. Jay scraped the bottom of the tin clean with the plastic fork and passed it back to her again. She considered telling him to eat it, but the look on his face shut that thought right up. Swallowing the last of their meal, she watched Jay silently dispose of the trash.

  “There’s this place I go.” He spoke with his back to her. “I pick up odd jobs for some cash when I can. I’m gonna try and find a longer job tomorrow, so I may not be back until late. Will you be all right without lunch again?”

  He still hadn’t turned to face her as he straightened the blanket on his bed.

  “I’ll be fine.”

  “I gotta get some sleep. Good night, Em.”

  Em sat quietly in the darkening room until she realized Jay was asleep. And she’d been watching him. Because that’s not creepy or anything. Listening to the sounds of Ace and Skunk heading out for the night, she curled up in her own bed. Might as well get a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow would be another busy day of doing absolutely nothing, she was sure.

  Chapter Eleven

  Jay

  Everything was twice as hard with her there. It felt like every minute of every day was spent focused on his goal of keeping them both from starving. There was no time to sit back, take a break, or really think things through. If he had, maybe things would have turned out differently. But even at his break-neck pace he was still falling short.

  It wasn’t easy, but he still hated the idea of her out there on the streets. Even worse was the thought that she may grow so bored waiting on him that she’d venture out on her own. That nagging fear was enough to make him want to stop back in just to check on her about a dozen times a day. Unfortunately, there wasn’t time for that. Instead, he found himself racing home with a pounding heart every night, and not being able to breathe easy until he saw her there safely cocooned in her nest of newspapers.

  It wasn’t fair to her. It wasn’t fair to him. He knew all of that. He was running himself ragged, and he knew that, too. Jay leaned his head back against the wall and his whole body seemed to deflate under one long sigh.

  “Can’t I help you?”

  “No.” He didn’t even bother opening his eyes to answer her. They’d already had this argument more than once, and he was just too damn tired to rehash it again now.

  “Why not? You could obviously use some help.”

  “Because.”

  “I’m not a child, Jay. You’re gonna need a better reason than that.”

  “Because you won’t make it here.”

  “Why not? You live here.”

  “That’s what you’re not getting, Em. No one lives here. You either survive here, or you die here. But no one lives here. So, why don’t you just go on back home?”

  “I’d rather die here.”

  She said it without hesitation, and with so much conviction that it stole his breath away. It was the truth. She’d meant what she said, and for a moment he paused to consider the possibility. Was what she was leaving behind really worse than what lay ahead?

  No, she’d meant her words only because she didn’t know any better. She still hadn’t fully grasped what life was like out here. Mostly, that was his fault. But when she did, she’d see her mistake and then she’d be gone.

  Chapter Twelve

  Em

  Four-hundred-thirty-six. That’s how many cracks there were in the plaster of the walls. Two-hundred-eighty-seven in the roof. Needless to say, Em was bored. Out. Of. Her. Freaking. Mind.

  The room seemed to grow smaller and smaller with each passing day until she felt like a caged animal. She paced the small space for hours just to occupy herself. She hummed songs, recalled books she’d read in as much detail as possible, and even gathered enough courage to strike up a few
conversations with Ace when he was around. The massive amount of drugs he was obviously using hadn’t done his brain cells any favors, but he was a nice enough guy.

  At first she’d kept track of things like the date, but she hadn’t even made it a week before giving up. Thursday? Friday? Who cared what day it was when every day was exactly the same? All she knew for sure was that if she didn’t find something to do today she was going to completely lose it.

  Em sat in the corner, running her fingers through her hair, trying to arrange it into some semblance of order. The length and thickness had always been a headache. Every morning for as long as she could remember, she’d have to condition and then brush it forever just to get the knots out from sleeping on it. But out here? It was a lost cause. Her brush—like everything else—was gone, and conditioner sounded like something from a dream. She was almost glad they had no mirror. She could only imagine the rat’s nest that must be sitting on her head these days. And considering where they were, she couldn’t be entirely sure it was uninhabited.

  Ugh! Just the thought sent shivers through her. She was being a priss. She’d never been a priss a day in her life. Never tried to look attractive. She got more than enough attention without trying, but things felt different here.

  Maybe it was because Jay managed to look so damn put together all the time despite their circumstances. She envied him. Sure, his hair was longish—not having been cut since who knows when—and mussed up from the same lack of brush predicament she was currently facing, but somehow he made it work for him. She’d known guys back at school that had intentionally done their hair that way, but it had never looked quite as good on them. Maybe that’s because his was authentic. A disheveled appearance from a hard day’s work. A hard day’s work taking care of her.