Rogue Desire: A Romance Anthology (The Rogue Series)

by Adriana Anders

  Jamal looked around really quickly. “Fuck you, man. But alright. You wanna pick something up and eat at my house?”

  This time Leonard checked for eavesdroppers. “You still got that liquor collection?”

  “Yeah, I haven’t drunk it all in a month.”

  “Okay, lunch is on me, then. What you want?”

  “I’ll just pick up some fast food and you can pay me back. I know you’re not done here yet. I saw a lotta cryers after that sermon. People are gonna want to talk to you.” He clapped Leonard on the back and walked toward his car down the street.

  Leonard told the very last person that yes, he did have lunch plans, “thank you so much, though, ma’am” and wrote down all the people he’d told he’d be praying for them and finally, he was free.

  The sexton for the week was bustling around, picking up bulletins (but hopefully not nail clippings this week), used tissues, and kids’ abandoned Sunday School drawings. “Maddy, you’ll lock up for me?”

  “Got it, Pastor!”

  A few minutes later, he walked into Jamal’s apartment and was treated with that heavenliest of smells. “I can never pay you enough for this, man. I was expecting a Big Mac, but you’ve blessed me indeed with this Popeyes.”

  “I had to wait 15 minutes extra to get spicy, but I figured you’d take that long and more. I even saved you a biscuit.”

  “It’s exactly what I didn’t know I needed.” As he’d been thanked by tearful, encouraged parishioners, the strong feelings evinced by yesterday’s unexpected encounter had faded. He was a called and effective pastor, thank you very much. And the comfort of a familiar meal only added to his peace.

  “Lemme get you a plate.”

  They sat and ate companionably for a few minutes. After his first thigh piece was demolished, Leonard looked at Jamal. “So, man, what’s going on with you?”

  Jamal took a long sip of his drink. “Well—” He let out a deep sigh. “—this girl…I mean woman. We were talking for weeks online and I thought we were ready to meet and then, she just ghosted me.”

  “Hold up. Online? You can’t meet single women in real life? Why didn’t I know this?”

  “I’m a pre-tenure professor, man. I don’t have time for all that shit. And the last time I did go out, one of my students hit on me, and she was so drunk she didn’t realize it. It felt gross.”

  “Okay, then, carry on.”

  “Anyway, this woman was great. So smart and snappy—and hilarious. You know I actually checked out her profile because her ID was theRocksbiggestfan—she didn’t have a profile picture up but I had to know more about someone who’d call herself that. Turns out she’s doing kick ass things in the DoL. She’d gotten hired during the last administration and stayed on. And when she finally did send a picture. Oh man. But then I invited her to church and she hasn’t responded. At all. Which isn’t like her.”

  Leonard felt like all the wheels in his head were turning and running into each other. This couldn’t be happening. Not again. “Did you tell her what church you went to? Do you know her real name?”

  “Yeah, and yeah. It’s Kim. I told her I kept thinking about her all day as therocksbiggestfan and she told me her name instead.”

  “Let me stop you right here. She went to Howard, she’s from Bowie, her dad’s an accountant, and her mom’s a school counselor. She’s got 3 siblings and a boyfriend from college she hates.”

  Jamal raised his eyebrows, opened his mouth and shut it again. Then he took a long drink.

  Leonard just sat there, looking at his mashed potatoes. He stirred the gravy (was it really gravy?) around with his spork, making small precise motions. This could well be the most evenly distributed gravy-like substance on the planet. If he focused on his spork, maybe he wouldn’t have to feel the shock, anger, and worst of all, possessiveness running amuck in his chest.

  Jamal cleared his throat. “So I’m guessing I should have asked to go to church with her, not have her go to church with me?”

  “NO! You shouldn’t do anything with her. In fact, you should delete her profile right now.”

  “What, bruh, she didn’t want you so she can’t have anybody? She’s the reason you’re still single?”

  Leonard meant to shake his head back and forth no, but what actually happened was the up and down nod for yes. Maybe it was time to finally admit this to himself. He bit rather savagely into the spicy breast he’d been saving for last.

  Jamal sighed. “Well, if it still matters to her—I mean, she didn’t even respond or suggest going to her church. I don’t know what to do, man. Her church meets at Anacostia High School.”

  “Oh, I know that one. Man, that’s different from my church. Their pastor is conservative, but he’s alright. He’s got a big online following. I’ve met him at pastoral fellowships.” Leonard wiped the grease off his hands. “Did she tell you why we broke up?”

  “Nah, man. We barely talked about it. She just said she had a bad experience in college it took her a while to get over. Figured that happens to a lot of folks.”

  Leonard put his hands on the back of his head, his elbows high and wide, and leaned back in his chair. If he told someone now, would the emotions he didn’t even want to name go away? “We dated all four years. I asked her to marry me spring break senior year. She said yes. When we got back from our trip, my financial aid package from divinity school came in. We’d talked about ministry and all the ways to change the world. I didn’t expect her to be surprised I was going into pulpit ministry. But she was, and she was really unhappy about it. We fought until graduation. She said I was choosing the church over her. But I wasn’t. I never felt like I had a choice about the ministry. It was such a deep core value for me, I guess I didn’t talk to her enough about it. It was just so good being with her. She would’ve been such a great partner in ministry. She woulda kept me humble, made me laugh, and she’s so wise. You know she’s wise.”

  “She just didn’t want to be First Lady, huh?”

  “Nope. She’d had an aunt or somebody with a terrible experience that spoiled her for life. She was never gonna do it.”

  “Damn, man. I’m sorry.”

  “Me too. I’m starting to realize she may have spoiled me for life.” He didn’t expect to feel the rueful smile that crept over his lips. It had been a good four years. Maybe it was worth it.

  “Well. Good thing she hasn’t spoiled mine yet.”

  “Well, bro, if there was a carbon copy, I’d tell you to go for it. I mean if she could be her, but not mine. I mean, you’ve only been at our church for a little while. I would miss you a lot, but she’s worth it.” He knew she wasn’t really his, not anymore. His brain knew it, anyway.

  “I’d have to cut you off completely, huh? I don’t think I want to be involved with someone who hasn’t let go that much. She might say she’s over you, she might be on this dating app, but I think she’s lying to herself. If she can’t handle going to your church? Or can’t even give me the courtesy of an explanation when we’ve been talking for a couple months? I’ve never dated pastors, but I’ve dated within my discipline. The ones I was truly over I never minded being in classes together later.”

  Leonard forced himself to look Jamal in the face. “I saw her yesterday. She was at a protest I walked through. Her face—God, I felt like I was punched in the balls. She looked like she’d seen a ghost and couldn’t decide if she should throw up or run away. I don’t know, man. Maybe it would’ve been fine if we hadn’t had that encounter yesterday. Ugh. How about we go check your liquor collection.”

  “Why pastor, are you encouraging me to drink?”

  “Proverbs 31:6, bruh. It’s my life verse right now whenever Kim—or marriage—comes up. You would not believe how many old ladies tell me I GOT to get a First Lady. Between that and the White House—there’s not enough liquor in the world.”

  CHAPTER 4

  K im got ready for the organizational meeting for a city-wide prayer service with a grumpy heart. Ju
st because she was a Howard alumna didn’t mean planning services was in her wheelhouse. Besides, it was going to be clergy-led, and she stayed far away from clergy. But her church-based resistance group had wanted to make sure they sent a representative, so she reluctantly agreed. Of course she was the only Howard alum in the church group, too.

  The resistance group meeting had been a disaster for her. It had gone well, as meetings go, but then she’d gotten roped into this prayer service deal, and on top of that, two of her friends had started dating that had previously huge policy differences and were always angry at each other because of it. They said the instability of the current regime had catalyzed them to take action.

  She shouldn’t be so mad; she should be happy for them. She’d never thought people who disagreed on so many fundamental things could be happy together. And yet, there they’d been, ecstatic on the couch. She, on the other hand, had deleted Jamal right out of her phone. He’d seemed just right for her in so many ways, but the truth was, it didn’t hurt at all. Her only regret was for the time she’d wasted.

  Fucking Leonard. Fucking Leonard West fucking M. Div. I hate how much I’m still mad at him. And of course, she could use that world as an expletive all she liked but the fact remained it wasn’t a verb she and Leonard had done together. He’d promised her so much “when the time comes,” and then he’d chosen Jesus over her, and nobody got to come at all. I hope nobody ever fucks you Leonard.

  Gah…and yet… so much of what she loved—had loved—about him was what made him perfect for ministry. If her heart wasn’t torn up into 490 pieces, she could acknowledge that the ministry was the perfect place for someone with his convictions and kindness. But he couldn’t do YoungLife or campus ministry. It had to be the church. He was such a good man. The fucker.

  Kim hadn’t gone near Howard’s campus in a long time, but despite the changes and the years away, she still easily found the building—and even better, parking—where the meeting was. She’d actually had a class in that room before. It was a higher level class, with the tables arranged in a circle, chairs around the outside ring, to facilitate discussion. She opened the door to slip in and do her duty as quickly as possible.

  She almost turned right around and walked back out when she saw that Leonard was also an organizer. Jesus, you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me! What kind of providence is this?

  But it was a prayer meeting for unity. They wanted to show that people of good faith were stronger than the current regime, that God was stronger and better. So she took the open seat closest to the door and prepared to hunker down and get it over with. Leonard was to her left and up. She mostly focused on the right side of the room. She introduced herself when it was time, stated that her group planned to show support and would help with set up and tear down. She ticked each item on the agenda off as it passed.

  The first location under discussion—no, that was where she and Leonard had shared their first kiss. She risked a glance at him. If she didn’t know him, she wouldn’t think that his slightly widened eyes meant anything, but yeah. He was remembering too. Oh man, not the chapel either. A courtyard, yes, she could do that. Everyone would be sweaty, her group especially if they were putting the chairs out, but they could fit more people that way, and not trigger any memories.

  There was wrangling over whether this was interfaith or ecumenical. “Can we honor Jesus as the way and still be inclusive?”

  Leonard led the discussion, tempering dissension, and ultimately through humor, bringing them all to a decision even the most stridently opposed could assent to. “So, Sister Meshelle, you’ll contact the Jewish, Muslim, and other community leaders. Reverend Marshall, you will introduce the interfaith part of it. I think we can be open about our concerns and at the same time welcoming without compromising.”

  Kim watched aghast. She did not need to see that! Present-day Leonard was showing a maturity and wisdom that hurt to see. It was great for his congregation and this prayer meeting, but devastating for her, the woman who had begged and pleaded for him to choose a different way.

  Just a few more items on the agenda to settle—the scripture readings, if there were gonna be refreshments afterwards (a big fat no vote from her!), delegating the PR part of it and who’d write and print the programs. Only ten more minutes and then she could go home and freak out some more.

  Or maybe denial was the better plan. If this got over quickly, she’d still have time to stop for ice-cream and watch an episode or two of that new dark drama everyone was talking about. Or she could watch The Rock’s latest animated success. Who needed dark drama when you could have a girl and a chicken saving her country? She was smiling to herself about that when she realized someone was calling her name.

  “Ms. Jones, will you read a scripture for us?”

  She was a professional. It was fine that everyone, even Leonard, had their gaze on her.

  “Uh, sure? Do I get to pick it out?”

  “Reverend West will send you the selection.” Shit. She should’ve said no.

  LEONARD HADN’T HAD a good attitude about the prayer service planning meeting either. For one, he wasn’t sure God was listening to him right now, and for two, going back to Howard meant getting flayed by memories that seemed especially painful right now. Everything else was already horrible. Surely he didn’t need to revisit every single episode of the futile love of his life? He didn’t really know how to process the feeling that she’d been brought back into his life, but only in a way to show she didn’t want anything to do with him. Fucking Providence. Sorry, Jesus.

  But then Kim walked in. She opened the door to the room slightly and tried to slip in—her eyes had dark smudges under them, but she would never be less than beautiful to him. His pulse rocketed wildly. He watched her look around the room and saw the step back she took when their eyes met. Ouch. Again. Oh, but to see her! His dumb heart throbbed and started hoping again. Being in the same room was enough—her presence was enough to inspire him to figure out some sort of plan.

  He did his best to be wise and cool, and a pastor one wouldn’t mind sharing one’s life with. Even though when they talked about hosting the meeting in the chapel he got distracted thinking about the times he’d been there with Kim. Yeah, they’d worshipped there together but he’d noticed her, noticed the richness of her skin, the exact curve of her neck. When the chapel speakers had been boring, he’d passed the time plotting patterns of kisses for every inch of exposed skin. Okay, yeah, sometimes it was for the unexposed skin too, but he had known at the time, he wouldn’t act on those plans any time soon. They could not have this service in the chapel.

  He’d tried to focus on the meeting, but once they’d gotten that interfaith / ecumenical point worked out, he couldn’t help looking over at her. Her brows were knit together, and her lovely mouth was scrunched in a frown. He was baffled. Her new church was more conservative, but surely her values hadn’t changed that much.

  He wrote a note and passed it to the pastor in charge of the scripture readings. Yeah, it was high school and manipulative, a little, but he couldn’t let her out of his life this time without a fight. Listening to Jamal talk about Kim, he could tell that the core of her was unchanged, but that she now had a confidence of maturity, too. He wanted to be near that. He wanted to be near her without causing her anxiety. He just wanted a chance. Maybe this providence thing would work out. Please Jesus please Jesus.

  When the meeting came to a close, he hustled through the crowd to catch her before she could leave. She’d already out the door and was heading down the hallway by the time he reached her. He could barely breathe out her name: “Kim, hey.”

  “Pastor West.” She gave him a sharp head nod, definitely the kind that said, Please fuck off.

  “I’m sorry, should I say Ms. Jones?”

  “You don’t have to say anything. Just tell me the scripture passage, and I’ll be fine.”

  “We don’t have them all figured out yet. I’ll need to get your contact info.
Or—” He could feel the sheepishness in the smile he was making, the way his cheeks were contracting. “—or rather, I need to know if you still have the same number or email. KimNtheRock at gmail, right?

  “I changed everything.” She was ruthless.

  No, wait. He revised his opinion. Her hands were shaking. She was barely breathing, and in the florescent lights of the hallway, the brown of her skin was grayish. Fuck. He couldn’t be happy that she was, at least, not indifferent to him. But he couldn’t leave her like this either.

  He was helpless in the face of her distress. “Kim, baby.” He had his arms around her before he even knew what was happening. “Baby, it’s okay. You’re okay.” He turned them around to shield her from the sight of anyone who was still leaving out of the meeting.

  Her whole body trembled violently before she slumped and rested herself against him, and he felt a peace he’d been missing for years. He kissed her hair at the crown of her head and then looked down at her face. Her eyes were downcast, so he couldn’t see her expression, but he could see damp lashes.

  She sniffed and whispered, “Leonard fucking West, I hate you so much.” Hate was better than apathy, right? He was grasping at every straw.

  But she stepped into him just a bit closer, and his arms tightened around her. Her hair tickled his nose as he put his mouth right next to her ear. “Kim fucking Jones, I’m so tired of hating you.”

  They stayed like that for a minute, swaying a little bit. Leonard could feel her hands on his chest, just resting there, but they burned a little bit through his shirt. Holding Kim, comforting her, felt the same as conducting the sacraments or talking to his congregants when they responded to a sermon of his. It was disquieting—except he felt such peace. It was stunning—except it felt right. It was everything he’d wanted—except he knew it was dangerous. She was dangerous. She didn’t want him—or at least who he was called to be, and she’d made that abundantly clear years ago. Oh, but she was in his arms again.