Inbetween

by Tara Fuller

  The trumpets sounded, and he pulled away slowly. His green eyes were vibrant against the shadow of his face, reminding me of the day we’d met. The day he’d collected me. “Come on, they’re starting.”

  Finn took my hand and pulled me into the hazy gray twilight that always hung over this place. He stopped just shy of the crowd, leaving us cloaked by souls. Reapers created a wall on each side of the lectern, standing firm against the group of desperate souls pressing forward. They looked fierce and ready for the danger the souls not chosen for reincarnation or Heaven might pose. A ring of guardians formed a protective circle around the porthole glowing behind them.

  Finn should have been up there with the reapers, fighting for order. Instead, he was with me.

  “Shouldn’t you be up there?”

  Finn shook his head, watching a guardian knock a soul back from the porthole. “No. I’m exactly where I need to be.”

  I stood on my tiptoes and found Maeve. She smiled and gave me a little wave. I didn’t know how to be that confident. This was my last year. For souls like me—souls that had done something irreparably wrong, whether they knew what it was or not—there were only ten years before the decay set in. For the madness to take over. For the transition to a shadow to begin. I turned my hands over to expose the black spiderweb of veins crawling up my arm. I didn’t have to look to know my neck looked the same, or that the darkness had eaten away nearly all of the blue in my eyes.

  Finn pulled my hand away and turned it back over to make me stop looking.

  “I need all remaining reapers and guardians to the front please!” Balthazar shouted.

  Finn looked torn, not wanting to let go of my hand.

  “Just go,” I whispered. When I looked up, fear swallowed me. Balthazar’s careful eyes were watching us. He met Balthazar’s gaze. After a long moment, Balthazar nodded. Finn held my hand tighter and pulled me forward.

  I yanked against his grip. “Stop. You’ll get in trouble.”

  “That doesn’t really matter now, does it?”

  “Attention!” Balthazar’s voice thundered across the crowd, leaving a wave of silence in its wake.

  “The decision has been made!”

  There were thousands of souls here, their energy pulsing, pulling, pressing in on me like a rip current. I knew the odds weren’t good, but I forced myself to imagine my name rolling off his tongue.

  Finn gripped my hand. I could feel him shaking.

  “Anderson Mills,” Balthazar announced, “Faye Dunn, Tommy Gilford, Samantha Monroe. Can you all approach the porthole?”

  I closed my eyes. He’d only say a few more names.

  “Ryan Butler and…” He crinkled the thin paper in his hand and squinted at it. “Jonah Bates.”

  Finn wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me close. I buried my face into his shoulder. I couldn’t look. He pressed his lips into my hair.

  “Shh,” he whispered. “They’ll say your name. They will. You’re going back today, I promise.”

  “All right, just one more,” Balthazar said. “As for the rest of you, better luck next year.”

  There was no next year for me. Next year I’d be in the Shadow Land, a hungry, empty thing with no memory of who or what I once was. No memory of Finn and his kisses. I held my breath and tried to count to ten. I only made it to three.

  “Maeve McCredie. Today, the seven of you will be born again.”

  My heart sank, but the silence of Balthazar’s announcement erupted into chaos as the crowd pushed Maeve to the front. I tried to smile, but I could feel it mangle into something that felt more like a kick in the gut than a congratulations for Maeve. Maeve had only been here two years and had been nothing but rude to the few souls who’d attempted to befriend her. Worse, she still had time. I didn’t.

  Maeve breezed past me and winked. “Hey, Emma. You’re looking a little…dark. It’s amazing your reaper boy can stand being that close to you with how deathly you smell.”

  I blinked away the hurt and the shock as I watched her weave through the crowd. Some were bright-eyed as they pressed forward, anxious to get a glimpse of what might be their future. Others looked dark and hopeless, trying to get a glimpse of what they’d never have. Finn squeezed my hand and a dark sound rumbled in the back of his throat.

  “Finn!” Balthazar moved through the crowd, but Finn wouldn’t let go of my hand. “I need you closer.”

  Finn looked back at me, jaw clenched in frustration. “Can I stay with her? She’s close to transition.”

  Balthazar looked me over and pursed his lips. “Bring her with you.”

  “Come on.” He grabbed my hand and pushed through the souls until we were huddled against the portal, watching the chosen souls fall into the light to be reborn. The portal was beyond beautiful, with blinding streaks of color permeating its golden glow. We were so close, I could feel its warmth. If I reached out, I’d be able to touch it.

  “One step through that light and you’re reborn,” Balthazar said to the sixth soul in line, a younger boy who’d been in the Inbetween for barely over a year. “Don’t be shy, son.”

  For a fleeting second, I imagined myself grabbing Finn and leaping into the light together, but quickly pushed the thought aside when a guardian pinned me with a dark look, as if he could read my thoughts. I ignored him and turned my attention to the only soul left in line. Maeve. Her red hair spilled around her shoulders, and her hazel eyes glittered with excitement.

  Finn dragged me even closer, and Balthazar’s brows pulled together when he noticed. I thought for sure he’d pull Finn away from me in that moment, but he turned his attention to the guardian watching me.

  “Joseph,” he called over the crowd, motioning for the guardian to follow him with two fingers. He slid one last careful glance my way, then turned back to the crowd.

  Finn held me close. “Ally,” he started, then shook his head. “I love you. And I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you that. I’m so sorry I waited until now.” He held my face between his palms, stealing the words from my mouth. “Remember that. No matter what happens, hold onto it, because I will see you again. Promise me you’ll remember.”

  “You’re scaring me.”

  “Promise me!” he demanded.

  “I promise.”

  His lips brushed my ear. His voice lingered there, making my chest ache with want and what could have been. “Please forgive me for this, pretty girl.”

  Without warning, he grabbed my shoulders and shoved me forward. I gasped and stumbled into the light. Behind me, Maeve screamed.

  “Finn!” I cried against the wind. “Finn, wait!”

  But no one answered. I soared through cerulean blue skies, puffs of billowing clouds whispering through my hair. I was free at last, my reaching arms turning to wings as I spiraled through the shimmering facets of color.

  And within seconds of dissolving into the precious warmth around me, I couldn’t remember who I was reaching for.

  Chapter 27

  Finn She’s alive. That’s all that matters.

  I kept thinking it over and over, but I wasn’t fooling myself. Emma had almost died again. Because of me. I closed my eyes, forcing myself to remember what she’d looked like that last day. When the darkness was ready to swallow her. I needed to see it so I could justify what I was doing to her now.

  What I’d done to her seventeen years ago when I’d pushed her into a life she didn’t choose.

  I stepped into the quiet hospital room and found Anaya lighting up the corner of the room, her eyes focused on Cash asleep in a chair on the other side of the bed.

  “Hey,” I said, softly. “Everything okay?”

  She watched Cash a few seconds longer, then gave me her attention. “He hasn’t left. Not even to go to the bathroom. Do you find that odd?”

  I leaned against the wall next to her. “No. He cares about her like family. Don’t you remember what it’s like to care about someone like that?”

  Her gold eyes di
mmed. “Sometimes, it’s so easy to forget.”

  “Why do you think I always loved her?” I watched Emma’s chest rise and fall beneath the blanket, feeling my chest swell with warmth. “She doesn’t let me forget.”

  When Anaya didn’t say anything I nudged her shoulder. “Thank you for not leaving her.”

  She smoothed her hands over her dress. “It’s the least I could do. She didn’t deserve to go through something like that.”

  Guilt burned in my chest. No. No, she absolutely did not deserve any of this.

  “Besides,” she continued, nodding to the soundless television flickering in the corner of the room.

  “I got to catch up on modern television.”

  “You don’t even have the sound on.”

  She laughed. “That’s the only thing that made it bearable.”

  I noticed Anaya’s scythe pulsing with light at her side. “I’ve got it from here if you need to go.”

  She looked at Emma and a soft smile tugged at her lips. “I know you do. Regardless of what you think, Finn, she’s lucky to have you.”

  Her hand settled on my shoulder and a second later she was gone, leaving me alone with the sound of beeping machines and Emma’s ragged breathing.

  I sank into a chair next to the bed and rested my elbows on my knees, choosing to look at the heart monitor instead of Emma. She was too black and blue. Too broken to keep my eyes on her for more than a second. It was hard to face something so horrific when I knew I’d been the one to cause it—the one to cause everything. Leaning over the bed, I kissed her on the top of her head. It wasn’t the real kind of kiss, the kind I wanted to give her, but it would have to do.

  I pushed myself up and walked over to the window to keep myself from doing something stupid.

  The moon glowed between the skeletal treetops, casting a spiderweb of shadows across the sparkling white parking lot. Stars winked. Burned. Taunted me with memories of the Inbetween.

  If I couldn’t protect her from this, I was useless to her.

  Behind me, the door opened and a nurse crept into the room. She pushed Emma’s hair out of her face then checked her vitals, doing her job quickly and efficiently, the way I had been expected to do mine for the last seven decades. The difference between us? She was in the business of preserving life.

  I was in the business of ending it. After she was gone, my gaze drifted over to Emma. She moaned in her sleep and turned her head so that the puffy line of stitches that ran the length of her slender neck were visible. So many things burned through me. Rage. Guilt. Pain. I clenched my fist and listened to the reassuring beep of the heart monitor, letting the rhythm of the life flowing through her veins soothe me.

  It didn’t take long for the pull to interrupt my thoughts. The cold crept though my insides, crackled in my skull. My fingers wrapped around my scythe and it pulsed under my palm. Trying to fight it, I braced myself on the wall, not wanting to leave her. Not now. Not after what had just happened.

  “Finn?” Emma mumbled, her eyelids cracking open.

  Thank God. I started forward, but my scythe stopped me in my tracks before I could get to her.

  “I’m here,” I whispered, hoping she could hear. “I’m right here.”

  Emma moaned and settled back into sleep. I took one last lingering look at her, at what I had done, and I let go.

  Chapter 28

  Emma I bolted upright in the bed. My stomach felt empty, sick. I couldn’t escape the feeling of falling. The screaming until I couldn’t breathe. Finn’s lips, his voice in my hair. I gripped the sides of the bed.

  Finn. I remembered Finn. I remembered where I’d been, who I was…what he’d done. Oh God, what had he done? I had to write this down. I had to get it out of me before I forgot.

  I scrambled for the table next to my bed and jerked open the drawer. Gauze, sanitation wipes… where was it? My journal…my journal. Frantically, I looked around. I was in the hospital, not my bedroom. My journal wasn’t here. My fingers searched for a notepad, aching with the need to preserve this memory before the truth was taken away from me again.

  “I need some paper!” I shouted, yanking the drawer off its tracks in my desperation.

  “Emma!” Mom rushed into the room and pulled the half-emptied drawer from my hands. “What’s going on?”

  I tumbled off the bed and one of the stitches in my leg popped open. I cried out, one hand flying to my leg, the other grabbing onto the nightstand.

  “Oh my God!” Mom grabbed me and helped me back onto the bed. “What are you doing?”

  I fell limp into the pillows. It was already fading. I couldn’t hold onto it. “I need something to write with. Anything,” I sobbed. “Please, Mom.”

  She looked me over, bit her lip, and nodded. I waited while she hurried across the room to her purse and came back with a little notebook and a pen. I plucked the remainders of the dream from my mind, cursed the empty spaces where the memory had already disappeared. There had been something wrong with me, but I couldn’t remember what. I skipped over that part and focused on what I knew. Finn was a reaper, and Maeve wanted me dead because he’d stolen her chance at life and gave it to me. And he lied to me about it. About all of it. My heart felt like it was being disassembled and stitched back together. I’d trusted him. I was falling in love with him. And he just kept it from me like that? My life was a lie. It didn’t even really belong to me. I scribbled so hard the pen ripped through the paper as Mom patiently waited, patting my good leg. I stopped when I felt her tugging at the bandages around my calf.

  “These need to be changed,” she said, quietly. The bright red spot of blood had grown while I wrote, soaking through the gauze. “I hope whatever you had to write down was worth it.”

  I looked down at the words. Half-broken memories. The truth. “It was.”

  She made a face and pushed the call button beside my bed. A nurse in pale pink scrubs rushed in and shook her head as she cleaned my wound, then wrapped it in a fresh bandage. Mom leaned up and touched the one on my neck. “How’s this one?”

  I flinched away. “Fine.” It wasn’t, but I didn’t want her poking at it. It hurt bad enough as it was.

  Everything hurt at this point.

  Mom nodded and picked at a loose thread on the stiff blanket covering my other leg. “Were you dreaming about your Dad?”

  “Yes,” I lied, hugging the notebook to my chest.

  “That’s good,” she said. “It’s good that you remember.”

  Mom was the queen of avoiding the past, I realized. She filled up her days with nonsense meetings and nonsense people until there wasn’t room for anyone or anything real. After everything I’d been through, I didn’t blame her. It had to be easier than facing the pain. In that moment I would have given anything to not have to face the pain that Finn and his lies had caused. “That story you told me about Dad…your kiss. That was nice. You should tell me stuff like that more often.”

  “You’re right. We should remember more.”

  I thought about how hard most of the memories in my head were to relive. The old ones. The new ones. “Easier said than done, right?”

  She cleared her throat, and tucked her wavy blond bob behind her ear as she stood. “You hungry? I could have them bring you some soup. Or Jell-O? They must have something good around here.”

  “Sure.” I wasn’t really hungry, but I did want her gone. I needed a minute to myself to soak in the words that were living on the paper against my chest. They were whispering to my heart, screaming against my ribs, begging to be read.

  Mom paused in the doorway, watching me. “Honey, I want you to know that Parker is doing everything he can to catch this guy. He won’t give up until they have him.”

  So he was a cop. I nodded, thinking he’d be looking forever then. “Tell him…thank you.”

  After she was gone, I read the memory over and over again. I didn’t remember it all, but I remembered how he touched me. Remembered that he loved me. I remembered tha
t he lied to me. I closed my eyes.

  “Are you awake?” Finn’s voice ran through me like syrup, coating everything with a sweet sensation that I couldn’t wash away if I tried. But there was something bitter inside me now, too. A painful regret, the kind that came with knowing the truth. He’d kept everything from me. Betrayal throbbed in my chest, painful and sharp. I opened my eyes, temporarily blinded by the buttery sunshine spilling through my window and the shimmering outline of Finn. When I lifted up my hand to shield my eyes, he jumped up to pull the drapes closed.

  “You’re awake,” he said.

  “I’m awake.”

  “I never should have left you. God, I’m so sorry, Emma.” He looked like he was out of breath, though I knew that wasn’t possible. I gazed at him, mapping out his face line by line, comparing it to the perfect memory in my head.

  “You lied to me,” I finally said, considering my words very carefully. Forcing myself to stay calm when all I wanted to do was scream. I swallowed past the burning lump in my throat and focused on the throbbing pain that radiated from the gash on my neck instead. Concrete pain like that was easier to deal with than the emotional kind.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You lied to me about everything.” I twisted the blankets in my hands until my knuckles turned white. “Maeve. What we were to each other. God, Finn, what did you do? You…you took her life away from her and you forced me to be involved. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want this. It’s no wonder she wants me dead. She has a right to!”

  “Emma…” He looked panicked, placing his hand on the mattress next to my arm. I jerked it away from him and he flinched. “Wait—”

  “What are you, really?” I said. “You’re not just a soul.”

  Finn looked away and rubbed his palms over his knees. “Why do you need me to say it if you already know?”

  “Because I want you to tell me the truth. After all of this, I deserve it.”