Rough & Real

by Hayley Faiman

  Rosalie just waves, and Remi gives me a chin lift because he’s just too big to hug his mama these days. I watch them load on the bus and I realize that they are what’s important to me, not that I didn’t already know that.

  However, I’ve been preoccupied lately and that needs to stop. I’ve been so busy trying to do everything, to be everywhere. I can’t do it anymore. One day, one moment, one activity at a time and that’s all I can do—with or without my husband.

  “You going to the gym this morning?” Derek asks. He’s standing next to my front door.

  I jump and let out a scream, not having realized he was there, which only causes him to laugh. “You scared the shit out of me,” I scold.

  He grins and gives me a wink.

  “Yeah, let me grab my bags,” I mutter, still pressing my hand to my heart.

  I walk into the house and bend over to grab my duffle bag full of clothes and my morning routine supplies. When I stand, I feel something hard against my back. Derek’s hand slides around to press against my stomach.

  “Derek,” I whisper.

  His lips skim the back of my neck and I suck in a breath. “Will you whisper my name or whimper it when you come, Ivy?” he asks, his warm breath fanning my skin and causing me to break out in goosebumps.

  His hand slides up my stomach and wraps around my ribcage, his thumb gliding back and forth on the underside of my breast. I press my thighs together and pinch my eyes closed at the sensation. Then I feel his hard length run along the crack of my ass. My exercise leggings are too thin because I can feel every freaking inch of him beneath his jeans.

  “I think you’d scream my name, wouldn’t you?” he rasps as his teeth nip the side of my neck. “Now step away from me, Ivy, or we’ll find out right now exactly what you sound like when you come.”

  Moving quickly, I take a step forward, breathing heavily as I turn around to face him. Derek has a grin on his lips and a twinkle in his eyes. He looks like he’s enjoying riling me up.

  I should tell him not to touch me again. I should be calling West, but I don’t. I like it too much, and to be honest, the bad girl inside of me wants to know what it would feel like to have him make me come. Maybe I would scream?

  I walk into the clubhouse to check the new schedule. I know that I’m on rotation to do a pickup from Humboldt soon, but I can’t remember what day exactly. Hopefully, that doesn’t fuck with my promise to pick the kids up from school this week. I turn to head toward MadDog’s office where I know the schedule is posted when Grease calls out my name.

  I let out a frustrated sigh. I have no desire to talk to my brother-in-law today, but I walk toward him anyway. He looks fucking pissed and I have no idea what’s crawled up his ass, but I have no doubt that I’m about to find out.

  Grease stands and glares at me, his face set hard and body tight. “You haven’t fixed your shit. I just found out you’ve got a fucking prospect watching my sister, my niece, and nephews, at night while you hang out here? What in the actual fuck?”

  “Ivy and I are taking the week to think, not that it’s any of your fucking business what happens in my marriage,” I growl.

  Grease shakes his head. “I made this shit my business, Camo. I’m the only father my sister has. It’s my duty to protect her, even if it means protecting her against her husband. You know what? Fuck it,” he states, throwing his hands up.

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  He takes a step back and pins me with his glare. “Fuck it, if you don’t know what you have, and you’re willing to toss her away? She’ll find better,” he shrugs.

  “Like hell she will. Ivy’s claimed, divorced or not, she’ll always be my Old Lady,” I growl.

  Grease snorts. “Yeah, you can keep thinking that all you want. Truth of the matter is, any man on this earth would be lucky to have her. You better start working on keeping her. I know my sister well enough to know that, no matter how much she loves you, she’ll only take so much.”

  He turns and walks away from me, leaving me stunned and pissed off because he’s right. I walk away, abandoning my mission of looking up my schedule and head toward the clubhouse gym. I need to work off some of my anger.

  As soon as I walk into the workout area, I go directly to the punching bag. I can hear the weights being dropped, signaling that there’s another person in here but I have one focus, and one focus only—beat the shit out of this bag.

  Reaching back, I slam my balled-up fist into the hard bag. I relish in the bite of pain. I do it again with the other fist, and then again over and over until sweat breaks out over my entire body. I hit the fucking bag until I can think of nothing else. I pound my fists against it until thoughts of Ivy, of what I want from her and know I shouldn’t, until all the guilt that’s been piling up on me just vanishes.

  “You done?” A deep voice rumbles through the room.

  Dropping my hands to my sides, I turn my head to see MadDog standing in the middle of the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest.

  I lift my chin to him but don’t verbally answer his question. “Grease is fuckin’ pissed with you, Camo. Good fucking God, you’ve made a mess of shit, haven’t you?” he asks.

  Scrubbing my hand over my face, I answer. “He’ll get over it. He’s just pissed that Ivy isn’t happy right now.” I shrug.

  “Boy, you’re a mess. Don’t you see how good your life is?” he asks.

  I don’t answer him.

  I’m getting tired of these know-it-all fucks telling me what my life is like. They don’t know shit. They think I don’t know how good of a woman Ivy is? They think I don’t appreciate her? They don’t know that it’s me trying to protect her from myself. They don’t know fucking shit.

  “You know, Fury’s mom was a damn good woman. I didn’t always treat her right, but that didn’t mean that I lacked respect for her or loved her any less. People would say that by me fucking around on her, that it wasn’t true. I beg to differ though,” he murmurs.

  “Nobody knew that there were things I wanted. Things that I didn’t feel comfortable asking my wife to do, things that I shouldn’t have wanted her to do. Who knows, maybe if I would have said something then what we had would have been different.

  “However, I have a feeling the people that we were at the time, it wouldn’t have mattered, we still wouldn’t have ended up together. Mary-Anne is who I was meant to have in my life. Is Ivy who you were meant to have or is there someone else out there that you think could fulfill all of what you need?”

  MadDog doesn’t stay a second longer, he turns and walks away leaving me alone with his words of wisdom. Fuck. Just thinking about what he’s said makes me feel sick. I couldn’t imagine loving another woman as much as I love Ivy.

  Will my desires ruin us? Then I think, haven’t they already?

  Our relationship isn’t completely demolished yet, but I’m doing a fine job of chipping away at it—every second, of every day, piece by piece.

  I thought that my first day at work would be exhausting, but I didn’t realize it would be—exhausting. Derek is waiting by my SUV when I finally drag my ass out of the dentist’s office. I don’t notice anything out of the norm until I see something in his hand. “Here,” he mutters, shoving it at me.

  “What?” I look down and then smile when I see that it’s an iced coffee. “Seriously?”

  He shrugs but doesn’t say anything else before opening the door for me to climb inside. Once I’m settled in the vehicle, he asks me how my first day at work was. I don’t go into too much detail, but I tell him that it was mostly learning how to work the phones, and then how to enter appointments into the computer system.

  I bite on my straw while I suck the caffeine from the cup. It feels like heaven entering my body. I barely had time to eat today, I was so crazy busy and nervous.

  After my workout session with Chad, I quickly dressed and hurried to the office, all while Derek drove me. I try not to even think about Derek, or the way Chad’s brows
rose when he saw him walking into the gym behind me, or when Derek decided to work out with me the entire time. I wanted to talk to Chad so badly, but with Derek acting as my shadow, I didn’t get the opportunity.

  “Same routine tomorrow, Ivy?” Derek asks as he drives us toward my house.

  I suck back more of the iced latte he gave me and hum my agreement. He chuckles softly as we pull into my driveway and I’m surprised to see West’s pickup parked in its spot. He usually only leaves it out when he drives it around. Otherwise, it’s in the garage.

  Pushing open the car door, I slide out of the seat and start to walk toward the back of the car when Derek comes up with my bag in his hand. “I got this, babe,” he murmurs. His fingers dance on my lower back before he firmly presses them against me to encourage me to walk forward.

  My high heels click on the walkway as I make my way up to the wooden porch. This morning I decided to wear a gray pencil skirt that I bought last week when I went shopping for a few starter, work outfits. My blouse is a white light flowy fabric that I tucked into the waist of the skirt. I kept my hair straight down my back and finished off my outfit with a pretty turquoise statement necklace and my favorite black high heels.

  I wrap my hand around the handle of the front door but Derek’s fingers cover my own and I feel his hard body press against my back, his warm breath against my ear. “I didn’t get a chance to tell you how incredibly gorgeous, and fuckable, you looked today, Ivy,” he murmurs. I squeak in response, but he only laughs as he straightens and then removes his hand from my own. “Inside now, babe,” he grunts.

  My body jolts and I open the door to let myself inside. When I enter the house, I’m surprised by how incredibly quiet it is. The television is on, but it isn’t very loud, more like a low hum. Reid and Remi aren’t lounging on the couch like expected, and that surprises me since it’s usually their favorite hangout.

  A noise in the kitchen startles me and I decide to head in that direction, leaving Derek behind me. Once I step inside of the space I’m shocked to see not only Rosalie but West, cooking. I don’t think I’ve ever seen West cook, not in all of the time we’ve been together. In fact, I didn’t know that he even could.

  “Hey, Mom,” Rosalie smiles as she looks up at me.

  West’s head turns and his eyes lift from his spot at the stove. I wait for him to greet me but he doesn’t. It feels like some sort of failure. Like we’re drifting more and more apart each hour of every day. “What are you guys making? Where are your brothers?” I ask, turning my attention back to Rosalie.

  “They’re outside playing catch. Dad said they couldn’t be lazy asses all night,” she announces. My eyes widen at her words and I hear Derek chuckle behind me. “Me and Dad are making grilled chicken breast, sautéed veggies, rice, and I’m doing garlic bread for the guys,” she grins.

  “It all looks wonderful,” I whisper.

  West clears his throat and my eyes instantly move to him. “Wanted to make something you’d eat. Rosalie told me some of the stuff you been makin’ lately,” he shrugs.

  “I appreciate it,” I whisper.

  I watch as something washes through him but he shakes it off before he straightens. “This stuff’s about done. Chicken’s in the micro keeping warm. There’s enough for you Derek, I’m outta here,” he announces.

  West leaves his post at the stove and walks over to Rosalie. He kisses her on the forehead and then walks toward me. I hold my breath waiting to see what he’ll say or do, but he doesn’t do anything. He breezes right past me as though I don’t even exist.

  I stand there in shock for a full minute. Turning around, I chase after him. He’s already out of the front door by the time I catch up. Wrapping my hand around his wrist I tug on him. He stops and shakes away from my grasp as he thankfully turns around to face me.

  “Really, you’re just going to walk away like that?” I whisper.

  He lowers his head, looking at his boots before he lifts his eyes back up to me. “Yeah, I’d planned on it.”

  “Why are you being so cruel? I know you said it would be easier if I hated you, or if I broke it off, but West what you’re doing is downright mean,” I state.

  West nods once as he plants his hands on his hips. “Yeah, baby, I know. I’m trying to think about shit, and seeing you looking like a fucking sex kitten doesn’t help,” he mutters.

  “Right, because being attracted to your wife is so wrong. Okay, makes perfect fucking sense,” I spit, taking a step back.

  West lets out a sigh as though I’m being so irrational. He doesn’t get it, he doesn’t realize what he’s doing and how confusing and horrible he’s being to me. I’m not sure he really cares all that much either.

  He’s so worried about himself, about how he feels, he’s not thinking about me at all. “I’ve never not been attracted to you, Ivy. That’s not what any of this is about, and you know it.”

  I take a few steps closer to him, my chest brushing his as I tip my head back. “You want other men to touch me, West? You want to watch while they make me come? Is that what you want?” I whisper.

  He growls but doesn’t speak so I continue. “All you have to do is ask, baby. Tell me what you want, and I’ll do it.”

  “Ivy.”

  Lifting to my toes, I press my lips against his without kissing him, just barely touching his mouth with my own. “Whatever will make you happy, West. I love you and I’d do anything for you,” I shamelessly admit.

  He stumbles backward closing his eyes when he does. “That’s not how I want anything to happen. It can’t be just what I want, and I can’t ruin you like that.”

  He storms off without giving me a chance to respond to his statement. He doesn’t know what I really want, hell maybe I don’t know what I really want. I know that I want West, but then there’s Derek waiting in the house and I want his touch and kiss as well.

  Maybe West isn’t so far off with his desires. Maybe there is a part of me that wants it, and the more I think about it, the more excited I get imagining it. But my fucking annoying ass husband won’t talk to me. I raise my hands in the air, giving up on him for the night.

  Making my way back inside the house, I’m shocked to see everybody, including Derek, sitting at the dining room table. “Come and sit down, dinner’s ready,” Rosalie boasts proudly.

  “This all looks so wonderful,” I gush, and it does.

  I sit down to a table full of great food. A beautiful family, and a man who is smiling at me and looking at me as though I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. It’s just too bad that that man is not my husband.

  After we all eat, the kids go up to bed and it’s just me and Derek, alone. I start to clean up the dishes when he presses his front against my back. I can feel his breath against the side of my neck and my body shivers. “Derek,” I whisper.

  His hands gently apply pressure to my shoulders and he turns me around. His eyes seer into mine, intensity pouring out of them. Without a word his lips touch mine, tentatively tasting me his tongue sneaks out and slides along my bottom lip.

  My mouth automatically opens, his tongue sliding inside and then I’m lost. Completely lost in a frenzy of teeth, lips, and tongues. That is until I pull away from him.

  “We shouldn’t have,” I rasp. Abandoning the dirty dishes, I run. I run away from him, locking myself in my bedroom and panicking.

  Work day five. Nothing’s changed between me, and West, except even more distance. He doesn’t even stay at the house until I get off of work anymore. Tonight, the boys have baseball games and they both told me that he promised he’d be there.

  Then there’s Derek. He’s shown me more attention than West has in years. Not just physically, but emotionally too. He helps me in the evenings with cleaning up dinner and we spend hours talking after the kids go to bed.

  Although the other night, we didn’t talk much, we spent that time kissing. After my freak out, he came upstairs and talked to me. We ended up kissing again, it got seriou
sly hot and heavy. I know that I should feel guilty, but I don’t. There’s something I like about Derek or maybe it’s just that he’s been there for me, and I’ve been alone for so long?

  “The boys have a game tonight, we driving straight there?” Derek asks, placing his hand on the top of my thigh.

  Each day his hand slides further up my leg as we drive to and from work. Today I’m wearing a pair of pencil trousers and his hand rests on the inside of my thigh, just centimeters from my center.

  All I can think about is that I want him to touch me there. After the way his tongue moved inside of my mouth last night, I can think of nothing but his touch and tongue running along my entire body.

  “Yeah,” I say clearing my throat. Derek squeezes my leg with a low laugh as he heads toward the ball fields.

  He coughs before pulling into a parking spot and puts the SUV in park, leaving the ignition running. Then he turns to me. I hold my breath knowing exactly what he’s going to ask, and unbelieving that I’m going to answer the way that I am. It’s so wrong, but right now, it feels right.

  “You get the kids set up with a place to stay tonight?”

  Derek asked me last night if I could get the kids out of the house. He wants more from me, and admittedly, I want more from him as well. I want all of him. When I should be focused on what my future is with my husband, all I can think about is Derek, his touch, and his kiss. “I did,” I whisper.

  “We don’t have to do anything,” he murmurs. “I just want to be alone with you. I think we could work, Ivy,” he states.

  His words should make my heart race, and they do, but not because I want the same thing, but because it scares me. I still love West, but I’m immensely attracted to Derek, I’m just not sure if I would want Derek for… more.

  Instead of speaking, I give him a wide smile which he returns before switching the ignition off and stepping out of the car. I don’t wait for him to open my door, I let myself out and start to walk toward the ballfields.