Bundle of Joy?

by Ariella Papa

  “Well, he didn’t technically lie.”

  I shook my head. “Jamie, it’s not something you don’t mention.”

  She took a deep breath. “Voul, I’m not saying that he shouldn’t have told you, but I mean, you just started dating him. You don’t really date as much as I used to, but people play games when they date. It doesn’t seem like he played games. He just didn’t show his full hand. And that’s kind of what you have to do when you’re out there. How did he even know you guys were going to wind up together?”

  “He should have told me as soon as we did it. As soon as he thought there was something, which I think he thought that night. I have to believe he thought it when I did. I don’t think I made that up. But he didn’t tell me then. I don’t think that was very honorable. It lacks integrity.”

  “Voula, he’s not a character in your favorite movie. You’re not going to find Daniel Auteuil,” she said. “And even if you did, he would be nothing like the roles he plays. Those perfect men, they just don’t exist.”

  “I know, I know, but part of me was thinking he could just be mine, you know. Now I think I’ll always come second to the kid. This is my fault. I waited too long. I mean, if I was twenty-two I might have found someone free and clear. Now there’s another woman—the mom—in the mix.”

  “He didn’t say he was still with her. I mean, it’s just baggage.”

  “But why can’t I find someone without baggage?”

  “Voul, everyone has baggage.”

  “I don’t.”

  “Voula,” she practically yelled. Then she paused and shifted her awkward mass to let someone else up the stairs to the building. “Honey, you’ve got more baggage than just about anyone I know.”

  “Ugh,” I said. I bounced my wrist against my forehead.

  “It’s okay,” she said. She put her arm around me. “It’s who you are. It’s okay.”

  I took another deep breath. I felt a big weight on me. I hated the way I was acting. I hated that I’d let this happen. “You know, I just can’t believe I fell so hard. I never do. I mean, you know me. I never do. All of a sudden all that mattered was keeping him as my boyfriend. You know, he tried to tell me sooner, well, last night, but I didn’t want to hear it so I distracted him. I just wanted to be someone’s girlfriend.”

  “I don’t see it that way at all. I think if you really just wanted to be someone’s girlfriend you could have done it long ago. You’re not a hunchback. You’ve had your chances. It’s just not your thing. But I think you wanted to be his girlfriend. That’s not anyone’s, that’s his. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone, with wanting love or being vulnerable. There is nothing wrong with trusting. You are so hard on yourself sometimes, Voula. No one expects you to live up to this code. I know you spend a lot of time with yourself and you think about things, maybe too much. Sometimes—” She stopped to let another of her neighbors go up the stairs. “Sometimes you need to reboot. You know, turn it all off and start again. It’s all just a bunch of moments. Sure, you wish you could take the moment when he told you away, but then you might not have all the other, wonderful moments. Does that make any sense?”

  “Yes,” I said. I felt my nose filling and my eyes getting teary. “Then there are moments when you sit on a stoop with your oldest friend and realize that you aren’t as alone as you thought.”

  I heard her sniffle. I knew then why I loved Jamie. I hadn’t thought about it in a while. And loving her didn’t really hurt too much, so maybe I could love Paul, too.

  At that moment she stopped being someone’s mom and went back to being my friend. She hadn’t really ever stopped.

  That night I slept over at Jamie’s in her bed, like we used to when we had sleepovers in high school. Raj was pulling an all-night edit. In the middle of the night, I felt Jamie fling her leg over me, thinking I was him, and it made me smile in my sleep.

  In the morning I woke up to the smell of something delicious. I found Jamie sitting in the kitchen wrapped in her puffy down robe, as Raj made pancakes. Raj was a great cook. It would have been perfect—if their dog hadn’t been jumping all over me.

  “Sparky!” Jamie and Raj screamed at once.

  Raj smiled and leaned to kiss me. “I’m glad you and my wife were able to get your lesbian on last night.”

  “Yeah, I needed my fix,” I said.

  “Poor Raj,” Jamie said. “He has his dreams.”

  “Are you staying for breakfast?” Raj asked. “I’m making chocolate chip pancakes.”

  “Then yes.”

  “Hey, did anything ever happen with that fireman?”

  I was surprised that Jamie hadn’t briefed him.

  “Jesus, Raj, I told you all about it last month. Do you ever listen?” she scolded.

  “No, never,” Raj said, smiling. He had heard it all before. “It goes in one ear and out the other. You might as well be talking to the dog.”

  Jamie shook her head but she was grinning. Her second trimester seemed to be sitting well with her. This morning, she was once again radiant.

  “You look pretty,” I whispered.

  Raj heard me and smiled. “I missed spooning with the belly last night,” he said.

  “Too much information,” I yelled.

  Raj served us our pancakes, then pulled up a stool to the table in their kitchen. “So, can you believe we’re having a baby?”

  “Not really,” I said. I loaded my pancakes up with butter and maple syrup and took my first delicious bites. “These are so yummy.”

  “You should have invited the man over,” Raj said. “Is this The One?”

  “Raj,” Jamie said. “Not now. She’s mad at him.”

  “He’s an asshole,” Raj said immediately. He had been trained.

  Jamie patted his arm and then tipped her head to the side, studying me. “We’re not sure if he’s any more of an asshole than anyone else. The jury’s still out on that one.”

  “Voula’s the hanging judge, isn’t she?” Raj asked. “Aren’t you?”

  “Yes, but—” I stopped myself. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I was softening in my old age. I decided to change the subject. “Have you guys picked out names yet?”

  “Voula if it’s a girl,” Raj said, grinning.

  “Voulo if it’s a boy,” I countered.

  Raj and I high-fived.

  “I hope it’s not a boy,” Jamie said.

  I thought she was kidding, but she didn’t look like she was. “Why?” I asked. I remembered how one of the mothers at Alice’s house had gleefully recounted being sprayed in the face with pee every time she changed his diapers for the first three months.

  Jamie and Raj looked at each other. “Well, we haven’t exactly agreed on what to do about the foreskin,” Jamie said.

  “That doesn’t mean we won’t be happy if it’s a boy,” Raj said. I felt that I was treading on thin ice.

  “Of course, we just want a healthy baby,” Jamie added.

  “Right,” I said cautiously. “What are you disagreeing about?”

  “I don’t see why he has to be cut,” Raj said.

  “Most American boys are cut, Raj, I don’t want him to feel weird.”

  “It’s unnecessary. I’m not cut. You like my penis.”

  Even though I already knew from Jamie that Raj had never been circumcised, I was going to remind them that this too was too much information, but they were already knee-deep in their argument. I knew that Jamie preferred circumcised to uncircumcised, but this hardly seemed the place to bring that up. Raj launched into a whole argument about not circumcising the kid. He had worked on some makeover show before this. One of the episodes featured a really expensive cream made of foreskins.

  “I don’t want some rich asshole rubbing my baby’s foreskin on his skin to look younger. I think this whole thing is ridiculous.”

  “I don’t know that anyone is going to get our baby’s foreskin, Raj,” Jamie said.

  I could see she was getting angry. She l
ooked over at me. “I don’t know that we need to discuss this right now, either.”

  “Yeah, I prefer not to think about the baby’s penis until I have to. Thanks. Please, Mom and Dad, don’t fight.”

  “We’re not fighting,” they said in unison.

  We all laughed. The circumcision debate was tabled for the time being. Everyone had seconds on pancakes. I felt like I could have stayed with them in their eat-in kitchen forever.

  During the walk home, I checked my cell phone. Paul had left three more messages. All of a sudden I felt silly and I just wanted to talk to him. His having a son was more than I had bargained for, but who was I to talk? I had a seriously screwed-up family. If we were going to stay together (if that was still an option), Paul might eventually meet my mother, which would be harder to handle than any five-year-old.

  It was Halloween. I knew that Paul was going to pick up Joseph from kindergarten and take him out in his authentic fireman costume. There was no way I could make it, I had too much work. I called Paul anyway.

  “Hey, I’m so glad it’s you.” He didn’t even say hello. “I should be, right? This isn’t a breakup call?”

  “No,” I said. “I’m sorry I bolted yesterday. I was just kind of surprised. I guess I wish you had told me before.”

  “I know I should have told you before our first date when we were on the phone. The thing is, people get freaked out. Obviously, I was right. I guess I just wanted to see you and see how the first date went.”

  “It went really well,” I said.

  “Yeah, and then I didn’t know how to tell you. Just that I had to.”

  “Well, you did.”

  “So,” he said. “What do you think?”

  “Well.” I sighed. Maybe this was a longer conversation than I had time for. “I don’t know how I feel about kids. I mean, I’m not ready to be someone’s stepmom.”

  “I’m not asking that.”

  “Yeah, well, I guess I’m just worried. Things were going so well. I managed to fool you into liking me. Now, I have to impress a kid.”

  “Joseph’s pretty easy.”

  “Yeah, well.” I didn’t know what to say about Joseph. “Do you ever think about getting back together with his mother?”

  “No, she’s remarried. Angela and I never should have got together in the first place. We barely were together. We were just foolish. I’m not going to say Joseph was a mistake, but he definitely wasn’t planned.”

  “Well, I’m not really a kid person. Can I just date the dad for a while before I meet the kid?”

  “But you will meet him?”

  I took a deep breath. What was the big deal? “Yes.”

  “When?”

  Oh panayia mou. “By the end of the year.”

  “You need two months?” He sounded horrified.

  I thought of cannoli, of being dumped.

  “Before Christmas. This way I can wow him with gifts.”

  “You’re kind of a crackpot,” he said. But he laughed.

  I guess that meant we were staying together. I had until Christmas to figure it out.

  17

  As usual the holidays crept up on me. Suddenly I realized I had less than three days until I met the kid. Less than three days to find the perfect presents that would buy his love while at the same time not make me seem desperate to Paul.

  It was the Sunday before Christmas, the last real weekend shopping day. I knew that I probably should have waited until the next day when people would be back at work, but I started feeling severe anxiety. Paul wasn’t being much help.

  “What do you want? What does Joseph really want?”

  “Well, you know what I want,” he said.

  I had made the mistake of asking him in the morning in bed.

  “I’m being serious,” I shrieked. “I need to know.”

  “Oh, okay, serious.” He sat up in bed. “Really, you don’t have to get us anything.”

  “But, I do, I will. So just tell me. Didn’t he make a list?”

  “No, he’s not so materialistic. Why don’t you get him a Yankees jersey? He likes Jeter. Or get him a game for PlayStation.”

  “Those are so average. So impersonal. I want a gift that sets me apart. I don’t want him to think I’m some stinky girl that takes his father’s attention away.”

  “Don’t worry about it.” He started to kiss me. “Do you think maybe you want to go ice skating in Prospect Park today after a little morning fun?”

  “Skating? Paul, I have to go shopping.”

  “Okay, we’ll walk up Smith Street.” He continued kissing me, trying to get the pair of his boxers that I was wearing off.

  I giggled. “You know, you are very persistent.”

  “Tell Santa what you want for Christmas.”

  “I want him to be quick so I can go shopping.”

  “You really want that? Santa can give you whatever you want, because you’ve been such a naughty girl.”

  “I’m not sure I should be enjoying this. Fine. Have your way with me, Santa, but I plan on leaving at noon to go back into the city. Smith Street does not have what I need.”

  “Santa does,” Paul said, and he pulled the covers over our heads.

  I was way behind schedule when I got to Macy’s at two-thirty. It was a madhouse. There were people everywhere. The floors were covered with merchandise and everywhere I went there was some kind of percentage off everything. I didn’t even know where to begin.

  First I found my mother’s perfume. It came in a nice gift set. I was pretty sure that she would like that, and I got her a robe and some slippers to go with it.

  Luckily, I had already bought Jamie’s gift. I had gone nuts in a little boutique on Smith Street a few weekends earlier and bought her all kinds of mommy-to-be products, like milk baths and massage oils. I’d also gotten some of her favorite hot chocolate at City Bakery. For Raj, I got a book of bathroom humor. It was kind of a theme for me to get him a funny book that he would leave in the can.

  My mother and I had a standing invitation to go to the Jacobses’ house, but she usually bagged it, saying she was tired from being at mass on Christmas Eve. I bought them some nice ornaments for their Christmas tree. I also saw a little stork ornament that I bought for Jamie and Raj. The thing that sucked about Macy’s was that I had to pay for everything in the department I got it in. I waited in three separate lines to get what I needed.

  Then I went to the men’s department. I found a nice button-down shirt for Paul. At least I thought it was nice. The line was huge and it seemed that the people at the cashier were moving at a snail’s pace. Paul told me that Joseph liked some kind of snail. What was it? Secret Snail? No, Sonic Snail. I had to go up to Toys “R” Us to get some other sonic game he wanted. Already I was feeling hot. There were strollers and screaming kids everywhere I turned. The parents seemed to have no control. How was Jamie ever going to deal with this when she had her baby?

  “How long have you been in line?” I asked the person in front of me. She had a double stroller of sleeping kids and another one on the way.

  “At least a half hour. I hate Christmas.”

  As I was nodding, my phone rang. It was Jamie.

  “What should I get Paul? What are you getting Raj?” I asked frantically.

  “A rim job for both,” she answered.

  I laughed really loud, and the exhausted mother in front of me glared. Laughing wasn’t allowed during the holiday season.

  “Seriously, I need help.”

  “Where are you right now?”

  “Macy’s.”

  “Ugh. I’m over my all-day morning sickness, but that makes me want to vomit. When will you learn to shop early? You are so organized otherwise.”

  “I know. If it makes you feel better, I got your gift weeks ago.”

  “Well, at least you have your priorities straight.”

  “How are you feeling?”

  “Big. I don’t know if I can take much more of this.”


  “Two more months, right?” I counted on my fingers.

  “More like three. Pregnancy is longer than they let on. It’s more like forty weeks.”

  “Shit, that sucks.” I waited a respectable two seconds before saying, “I need you to help me get Paul a gift.”

  “The first Christmas I had with Raj, I got him a watch. He still wears it. Does Paul have a watch?”

  “He has a sporty one.”

  “Well, have you gotten him anything else?”

  “I’m about to buy him a shirt. Is that boring?”

  “Kind of.”

  “Well, what does a watch say?”

  “It says what time it is?” She made a little comedy drum noise.

  “Please don’t quit your day job. Does it imply that I’m too serious?”

  “No, but you are, by the way.”

  “I know. What if he isn’t getting me anything?”

  “What if he’s getting you an engagement ring?”

  I felt my eyes opening wide. “I don’t even want to entertain that thought.”

  “What if?”

  I knew she was just having fun with me. “Well, I got Raj a Fossil, but that seems a little too young. Try Skagen.”

  “They have Fossil at Macy’s but where can I get this Skagen?”

  “Keep looking. They have it too. It’s like no other store in the world,” she teased.

  “I think that’s Bloomingdale’s.” I moved up about an inch in the line. “How can you be in such a good mood?”

  “I’m done with my shopping and sipping hot cocoa with giant chocolate marshmallows.”

  “You bitch,” I said dramatically.

  The mother in front of me turned around glaring. “Sorry,” I whispered.

  “That’s okay. I’ve been called worse,” Jamie said, thinking I was talking to her.

  “You are worse,” I said quietly into the phone.

  Finally, I got to the front of the line. I had been in Macy’s for almost three hours by the time I finally paid for the shirt. Then I went down to where the watches were on the first floor. It was so packed with people, I could barely breathe. I didn’t see any watches I really loved and I got impatient crouching by the glass cases. I knew it was going to be next to impossible to get anyone to help me. Then I went by some Swiss Army watches that caught my eye. They seemed more like Paul’s style. Nice, but not too fancy. I was sold on the idea of getting him a watch, but I decided to come back the next day.