Maggie Lee (Book 17): The Hitwoman Takes A Road Trip

by JB Lynn

  I found Armani sitting in the living room, listing slightly to the side, an empty wine bottle lay on the table beside her.

  “Vermin!” she yelled the moment she saw me.

  I winced. “I should have—”

  “You brought vermin into my home.”

  I’m sure she was trying to sound outraged, but considering she was slurring her words, she just sounded pathetic.

  “I’m sorry. I should have told—”

  “Why would you do such a horrible thing?” she wailed, tipping further to the side.

  “I’m trying to tell you, but you keep interrupting me,” I snapped.

  “I almost drowned the poor thing.” She let out a giant hiccupping sob, toppled the rest of the way over, and promptly began to snore.

  “Well, that was easier than I expected,” God offered. “Maybe tomorrow will go just as well.”

  Thinking he was nuts, I wondered if he’d been sniffing the catnip.

  Chapter Thirty-five

  When I first met Gladys at a yoga retreat she was a dumpy, frizzy-haired woman who barely spoke. Even though we’d had some awesome talks, I still pictured her in my head as a Plain Jane.

  Which was why even I was transfixed the next day when her alter-ego, Arianna Puchelo, showed up on the corner outside the coffee shop. Her hair was a smooth, glistening crown, her make-up was flawless, and she wore a simple, chic dress and heels that cost more than my entire wardrobe.

  She winked at me and then launched into song.

  “That’s ‘L’amour est un oiseau rebelle’,” God informed me from his usual hidey-hole. “Commonly known as Habanera from the opera Carmen.”

  “How do you know that?” I whispered back.

  “Television can be very educational.”

  I rolled my eyes and then scanned the crowd that was forming around my opera diva friend.

  I couldn’t blame them. Arianna, or Gladys as I like to call her, has the voice of an angel. I had no idea what she was saying, but it touched my heart.

  As though he read my mind, God said, “It translates to ‘Love is a rebellious bird’ but don’t let the crow hear that.”

  I spotted Eugene, mouth gaping open, watching her the way a bear eyes his first salmon after his hibernation.

  I quickly hopped into Zeke’s Jeep and drove around the corner in search of Eugene’s car. I spotted it, parked illegally, at the end of a nearby alley. For some reason he’d nosed it, engine forward, into the narrow space. It was actually a pretty impressive parking job considering that it looked like there was less than three inches of space on either side.

  I got out of the vehicle and had just begun to text Zeke the location when I heard a menacing growl behind me. A fearful chill raced down my spine, rooting me to the spot.

  Slowly, I peered over my shoulder.

  I’d expected to find a dog. Instead, I found myself looking into the ugly face of Benny’s former owner, standing a few feet away.

  “Did you think I wouldn’t recognize your car, bitch?” he snarled.

  I swallowed hard, my heartbeat hammering in my ears managing to drown out Arianna’s beautiful voice.

  “Run, Maggie! Run!” Mike squawked from up above.

  So I did. I raced down the alley as fast as I could.

  “What’s going on?” God yelped.

  With the monster’s footsteps pounding behind me, I had other things to do than answering the lizard, like knocking over garbage cans in an attempt to slow down my attacker.

  While I ran, God pulled himself up to my shoulder and acted as my eyes in the back of my head.

  “He’s got a bat,” God warned. “Run faster!”

  I ran faster, but was quickly running out of space since Eugene’s car was blocking the alley exit.

  “He’s gaining,” God warned.

  Deciding I couldn’t get around Eugene’s car, I attempted to scramble over the top of it, but I lost my footing and slammed into the windshield.

  The impact sent God hurtling through the air screaming, “Aaaaaaah!”

  I hit my chin so hard that I was momentarily dazed.

  As I slid down the glass I spotted the pair of fuzzy dice hanging inches away, but couldn’t focus on them.

  “Get away from her,” Mike cawed, dive-bombing the monster.

  But the man was ready for him and he swung the bat upward, clipping Mike’s wing. The bird crashed to the ground.

  I watched the mini-battle in the reflection of the glass and then I saw a bat being swung toward my head.

  Instinctively, I rolled away and the bat made contact with the glass inches from my head, splintering the surface.

  I kicked out at my attacker as he stepped onto the front bumper to get better leverage.

  He grunted, but didn’t fall off.

  Instead, he swung again.

  Throwing myself out of the bat’s trajectory, I was dimly aware of the windshield shattering beneath me.

  That would have been the perfect time to grab the dice, but I was too busy trying to desperately scrabble away from the monster.

  Suddenly, I found myself trapped against the wall of the alley and realized I had nowhere to go.

  As he raised the bat to take a third swing at me, I knew I was going to die. An image of Katie sleeping filled my mind. “Take care of her,” I begged Darlene even though my sister wasn’t there to hear me.

  I closed my eyes as the bat sped toward me.

  But the blow never came.

  The sounds of flesh meeting flesh and grunts and groans made me open first one eye and then another.

  The monster was fighting my savior.

  Ian delivered a jab, a hook, and an uppercut. He knocked the man who’d been trying to kill me flat on his back. His eyes fluttered closed.

  My brother scooped up the bat the man had dropped and raised it overhead as though he was preparing to deliver the deathblow.

  “Don’t!” God and I yelled simultaneously.

  Ian hesitated, looking from me to the lizard who’d luckily landed on top of an overstuffed garbage bag.

  “She’s getting near the end of the song,” God warned.

  “We’ve got to go,” I told Ian, stumbling toward him. “There are too many people around.”

  He glanced in all directions, blinking like he hadn’t realized we were out in public.

  I scooped up God and held my other hand out to my brother. “Come on.”

  He hesitated for a moment.

  “Please?” I begged.

  Grabbing me, we ran away, hand-in-hand.

  I only looked back once. I wasn’t looking to see if the man was following or if witnesses had seen us. No, I looked back at the dice, just dangling there, with broken bits of windshield clinging to them.

  As we doubled back to retrieve the Jeep, he asked, “Are you okay?”

  Grateful that he didn’t ask how I’d gotten myself into that near-death experience, I nodded. “Thanks to you.” I squeezed his hand. “You’re a boxer?”

  He nodded. “My favorite form of exercise.”

  He reached into his pocket and dangled his keychain in front of me. The keychain was a miniature pair of boxing gloves.

  I shook my head, impressed by Armani’s accuracy. “She’s right a lot more than she’s wrong.”

  “Excuse me?” Ian asked, confused.

  “Nothing. You were telling me about boxing.”

  “When I was a kid, I was obsessed with the idea of being a champion.”

  I leaned into him. “You’re my champion.”

  “We make a fine pair,” he agreed.

  I bit back a smile thinking of Armani’s reference to pairs.

  He put an arm around my shoulders and gave me an affectionate hug. My heart squeezed as I realized my brother was taking care of me.

  “What were you doing in that alley?” I asked, blinking away tears so that he wouldn’t be scared off by my strong emotions.

  “Would you believe a little birdie told me?”
/>   Chapter Thirty-six

  By the time we got back to the Jeep, Gladys had finished her song and was signing autographs. Eugene was waiting for his.

  Fighting through her crowd of admirers, Zeke jogged toward me.

  Ian stepped forward, putting himself between us.

  “I didn’t get it,” Zeke blurted out.

  I tugged Ian backward, afraid he might jab, hook, and uppercut my friend.

  “Zeke,” I said with a tight smile. “This is my brother, Ian. Ian, this is my good friend, Zeke.”

  “Hey,” the two men greeted each other, sizing each other up.

  “Very monosyllabic cavemen,” God groused from his spot in my bra.

  Ian looked at me sharply.

  “It’s the lizard,” I explained. “He squeaks sometimes.”

  “I. Do. Not. Squeak,” he squeakily boomed.

  Ian grinned.

  “I didn’t get it,” Zeke repeated, staring at me hard.

  I understood he was reminding me that we had a mission to complete, but I couldn’t very well tell him that the operation was blown with Ian standing right there.

  “Well, trust me when I tell you now isn’t the time,” I said to Zeke tightly, releasing Ian to grab Zeke by the elbows in case I had to shake some sense into him.

  He frowned, but followed my lead. He gestured toward Gladys, who was being swallowed alive by adoring fans. “She’s amazing.”

  “She really is. What did you think of her?” I asked Ian.

  When he didn’t reply, I looked over my shoulder.

  He wasn’t there.

  I scanned the immediate area. He wasn’t anywhere.

  I sighed heavily. “I hate when people run out on me.”

  Zeke gave me a quick hug.

  The sound of approaching sirens filled the air.

  “Let’s get out of here,” I urged.

  Zeke cocked his head to the side, listening to the mechanical wailing. “Is that the reason we can’t do the job?”

  I nodded.

  Shaking his head, he frowned at his dented Jeep and muttered, “Never a dull moment with you, Maggie.”

  When we got back to Zeke’s house, we found Armani sitting on the front stairs waiting for us.

  Piss was curled up at her feet.

  “I’ve forgiven your cat,” Armani declared.

  “For what?” I asked.

  “Scratching me last night.” She pulled up her sleeve revealing some nasty red marks. “I realized she only did it to save the mouse.”

  “And I’ve forgiven her,” Piss purred. “She brought cheese for Benny while you were gone.”

  I nodded.

  Each of them thought the acknowledgment was meant for them and each nodded back.

  “Have you seen, Mike?” I asked, realizing that I’d lost track of him in the chaos of the alley.

  “Who’s Mike?” Zeke asked.

  “The crow,” Armani answered. “Yeah, he’s around here somewhere. Weird thing is, he’s carrying around some fuzzy dice with him.”

  Chapter Thirty-seven

  I felt badly about leaving without saying goodbye to Ian or my dad, but I was eager to get home to see Katie and DeeDee, so we started the trip home the next morning, but only after giving Mike an entire Danish to thank him for being a team player the day before.

  I still couldn’t believe the clever crow had had the presence of mind to snatch the dice right from the smashed up car and bring them to me so that Zeke could hand them over to his boss.

  I tried to convince Zeke to return with us, but he still had work to do for Ms. Whitehat.

  “You’ve done a lot for her,” I argued. “She should let you live your life.”

  Zeke though just seemed resigned to his fate. “Soon,” he promised, hugging me tightly as we said goodbye.

  On the trip home, Armani tortured me with an endless loop of the song, “Ben,” in honor of the little guy we were transporting back to Jersey in the plastic box.

  “You do know that’s a song about a rat, don’t you?” I asked after hearing it for the tenth time.

  “Vermin!” God declared from where he was curled up in the cup holder.

  Piss, curled around Benny’s temporary shelter, let out an aggravated hiss, warning the lizard to be quiet.

  “My RV, my music,” Armani declared, pushing the replay button.

  Needless to say, I was relieved when I eased the camper into the driveway of the B&B.

  Picking up God, I stiffly climbed out of the vehicle.

  I stood there for a moment, half-expecting a welcoming committee, but none showed up.

  “Home sweet home,” I sighed as an SUV drove slowly past, catching my attention.

  The paranoid part of me wondered if someone was casing the place, but then the driver rolled down his window and saluted me.

  I grinned as Patrick rolled past.

  At least someone cared that I was back.

  “Let’s see if your aunt has something to eat.” Without waiting for agreement or an invitation, Armani limped into the kitchen.

  That wasn’t a great idea, since Aunt Loretta and her lover, Templeton, were half-naked and making out like a couple of teenagers against the stove.

  I gasped in horror.

  I’m pretty sure Armani gasped with delight.

  I walked right back outside.

  Armani didn’t.

  “Home sweet home,” I muttered again.

  I walked over to Darlene’s house, hoping to find fully-clothed people there.

  “Maggie!” DeeDee barked excitedly as I approached the front door. “Maggie! Maggie! Maggie! Maggie!”

  I smiled. It felt good to know that someone was happy to see me.

  The Doberman was so happy to see me that when Darlene opened the door, the dog bounded out, knocked me on my butt, put her paws on my shoulders, and licked my face. “You miss,” she panted. “You missed I.”

  “Oh come on,” God groused. “It’s really not all that difficult. Three words. Just say them in order. I missed you.”

  “Too God you missed,” DeeDee yipped, welcoming the lizard back.

  God groaned.

  “I think she missed you,” Darlene said with a smile. “We all did.”

  “What is she doing over here?” I asked. “Did Aunt Susan get mad at her?”

  “No, no,” Darlene assured me. “She just came over to play with the kids.”

  “Aunt Maggie!” Katie came running out of the house.

  A painful lump rose in my throat at how much her balance and confidence had increased in such a short time. Maybe Teresa was right and Darlene was the better mother for her. Pushing DeeDee out of the way, I swept my niece into my arms and hugged her tight. “I love you, baby girl,” I whispered in her ear.

  She pulled back a little and frowned. “Why are you crying?”

  “Because I’m so happy to see you again.” I tried to wipe away my tears, but couldn’t stop crying.

  “I’m happy to see you too,” she replied. “Can we play Go Fish?”

  I nodded, wondering if Armani’s Go Fish prediction had been about this happy reunion. “In a little while.”

  She happily ran back into the house.

  “Welcome back,” Marlene called, coming up behind me.

  I turned to smile at her and noticed that, like Katie, her confidence had increased in the presence of her twin.

  Getting to my feet, I hugged Marlene tightly too.

  “You okay?” she asked.

  “I am now that I’m home,” I told her.

  “Well, don’t get too comfortable,” Armani interjected as she limped over. “You still have to bring the RV to the storage lot.”

  Chapter Thirty-eight

  Delveccio was waiting for me when I returned the RV. He watched with amusement as I struggled to unhook my car from the back of the camper.

  It had been Armani’s suggestion that I drop her off at home and then return the RV, so that’s what I’d done.

&nbs
p; Once I finally managed to free my car, the mobster waved me over to visit with him in his little office.

  He pulled two plastic containers of chocolate pudding out of the mini-fridge and handed me one.

  Settling his ample belly behind the desk, he pointed for me to sit in a nearby chair. Sitting there, he looked more like a used car salesman than a mob boss. “How you doin’?”

  “Okay.” I wondered why he was asking. I was really tired and needed a vacation from the road trip, not an assassination job.

  “Was it tough leaving your niece?”

  I nodded. Not trusting myself to speak, I shoveled some pudding into my mouth.

  He squirmed uncomfortably in his chair before grudgingly confessing, “So I wanna go legit.”

  I nodded.

  “I thought maybe we should do it together.”

  “Oh this won’t end well,” God piped up from my bra.

  Delveccio raised his eyebrows and shook his head, but didn’t say a word about the squeaking.

  I almost choked on my pudding. “Together?”

  He nodded eagerly. “You and me make a good team. We get each other.”

  “Doing what?” I asked suspiciously.

  “I own lots of legit businesses. I was thinking you could be a floater.”

  I nodded slowly. There was no need to turn him down outright. Doing so might result in me being a floater in the Hudson River.

  “It’s a first-rate plan,” Delveccio declared, slurping his pudding.

  “I left my dog in my car.” It was an excuse to get away from the conversation, but it also happened to be true.

  “Just think about it,” Delveccio urged as I left the office.

  I hurried across the lot and jumped into my car.

  DeeDee licked my face. “You miss.”

  “Absolutely no concept of time,” God groused. “She doesn’t know the difference between you leaving for five minutes and five days.”

  “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” I warned him.

  “Channel Aunt Susan much?” God mocked, climbing onto my shoulder.

  “You miss,” DeeDee panted.

  “I know, Sweetie.” I hugged the dog tightly. “I missed you too.”

  “Ian met,” the dog shared excitedly.