ReCAP: A NORMAL Novella

by Danielle Pearl

  "I'll get it home for you," I promise her.

  She looks at me meaningfully. "Thanks."

  I don't know what she's thanking me for, but I do know it's for more than getting her car home for her, and it's a heady feeling – her gratitude. It makes me feel as if perhaps I'm not completely useless to her, after all. As if maybe I have helped to comfort her. And it makes me feel like some kind of superhero. No, a God.

  I got you, Pine.

  ****

  As We've Always Been

  With spring break only a few days away, there's an excitement in the air. It's the kind that usually misses me. That I see and sense, that I know I should be feeling, but rarely actually do. It floats through the atmosphere before any eagerly anticipated event, overtaking my friends, turning them into oversized, overexcited over-indulgers. But my jaded sense of youth always somehow repelled it, and though close enough to taste, it couldn't find it's way past my vague apathy. I suppose I'd always felt I had real things to be dealing with. My parents' issues, Bits... not the frivolity of adolescence. So I smiled and nodded and acted eager for things that, in reality, would come and go like any other day.

  But this time is different. Whatever cynical force field has always guarded me from such youthful thrills has weakened somehow, and the excitement seeps into my pores and fills me with a long-lost sense of exhilaration. Of enthusiasm. For once, I actually feel my age, and as our trip approaches, I only grow more eager.

  The fact that our friends who graduated last year are in town only adds to the festive ambience, and as I listen to Kendall rattle on about Chicago and her boyfriend, I don't have to fake my interest.

  We've been friends for years – ever since I started playing football with her older brother, Randy, my freshman year, and she got close with Bits during that time, too. We sit around wasting time before we head to Andy's, and Bits asks question after question about Sebastian, the boyfriend Kendall never thought she'd have, and the apparent love of her life.

  A few months ago I would have teased her endlessly – we bonded over our skepticism about love. In fact, we both made a pact that neither of us would get sucked into a romantic relationship during high school. And we both kept it.

  Our physical attraction and meeting of the minds on the emotional aspect of hooking up, namely that there shouldn't really be one, led us to an extremely convenient friends-with-benefits relationship for over a year, until about a month before she left for Chicago. We never had sex, but we did just about everything else… a lot. The fact that she couldn't care less if I did have sex with other girls, should I feel like it, which I sometimes did, didn't hurt either.

  And just as we planned, when we were done, we were done, and our friendship continued unscathed. Kendall is, in fact, the only girl who promised to keep her emotions out of it, and actually managed to keep up her end of that bargain.

  But meeting this guy has changed her opinions on almost everything, and by her second semester, she was preaching to me about how wrong we were, and how when I meet the right girl, I'll see.

  At first I thought she'd simply lost her damned mind. It was, of course, the only reasonable explanation. But my cynicism has been fading in recent weeks, and now I'm kind of glad this guy's changed Kendall's tune, because I'm not sure I'd be all that convincing in my customary denunciation of all things love and relationships.

  "I know you think I'm crazy," Kendall says finally, but I simply shrug.

  I honestly don't know what I think anymore.

  Kendall narrows her eyes at me in suspicion. "I'd expect a little more judgment from you... perhaps a few reminders of previous pacts? I'd have thought you'd be force-feeding me my own words, Cap."

  Bit cracks up laughing, and I shoot her a censuring glare.

  "What can I say, Ken? I'm happy you're happy," I say.

  "Yep, happy," Bits agrees, but her tone gives me pause. It's the same one she's used since she was about three, right before she says something to embarrass me. "Also, Sammy's been a little distracted lately," she adds, and I roll my eyes, knowing where she's going with this.

  "I've noticed," Kendall agrees with a smirk.

  "If you two are going to be annoying, I'll just go to Andy's early," I threaten, but they just laugh.

  "I'm surprised you're even going out tonight, what with your life or death tutoring commitment," Kendall teases, and they giggle like ten year olds. Just because she wanted to hang out the other night and I refused to reschedule tutoring Rory. But it was my mistake. I was too adamant. I should have pretended as if I actually wanted to reschedule, but couldn't. Instead I sounded like this tutoring session was an event I'd been looking forward to all week, which, in fact, it was. It always is.

  I sit back and let the two of them have their fun.

  "Oh he never misses a session, but they're only Tuesday and Thursday, so I guess that's why he's free tonight," Bits confirms in overdramatic drawl. "Except that one time he got stuck being my ride. But of course, he made that up having Rory over for dinner."

  Well the joke's on my sister, because Kendall already knows about that.

  "Oh, I know. I heard all about the pretty new girl putting all the Caplans under her spell," Kendall replies. "Cap was all 'I can't talk, Ken, Rory's over and I don't want to be rude'." Her impression of me is ridiculous – like I'm some kind of troglodyte.

  "Oh because Sammy has always been so concerned with not being rude to girls," Bits replies and the giggle fest resumes.

  I stand to go grab my keys.

  "Oh, come on, Cap!" Kendall calls through her laughter. "It's okay to admit that you do have a heart in there, after all!"

  "You should be talking!" I call back. A year ago she was the girl who acted like a guy, when it came to hooking up, at least.

  I return with my keys, ready to head out, and I raise my eyebrows to ask Kendall if she's coming or not. She stands.

  "Except I can admit that I was mistaken. Bash changed everything for me, and I'm thrilled that I was so completely wrong," she only half-jokes as she waves goodbye to Bits, and follows me to the front door.

  "Rory and I are just friends," I remind her.

  "That doesn't mean shit," she says right back. "All it means is you're too scared to make a move."

  I stop walking and spin to face her.

  "And what is it I'm scared of, exactly?"

  "To be in love. To be vulnerable. To belong so completely to another person that they have the power to destroy you." All the jest has disappeared, and her words strike me deep. She's one hundred percent right. But she doesn't know about Rory's past, and all the reasons why she's not open for more than friendship, so her rightness is completely irrelevant.

  But I have no reply, so I just roll my eyes and continue to my car.

  We get to Andy's early, and sit around catching up for hours before the first partiers start straggling in. In the next half hour, Andy's is packed. More so even than usual, even with so many people hanging out outside enjoying the mild warmth of early spring. Tucker mentioned that Rory would be driving herself tonight, but I don't want to give Kendall any more ammo by seeking her out, so I have another drink and chat with my friend. She says she's hungry, so I tell her we'll go hit the diner in a little bit, but I don't tell her I'm waiting to see Rory.

  Carl runs over to us and she and Kendall hug, and we all start talking about spring break. Kendall's boyfriend, whose family also lives in Chicago, is actually coming here for a few days, and she's as excited as I've seen her.

  Then Carl stops talking abruptly. "Rory! Come here," she calls, and I follow her gaze.

  My lips slip into an automatic, genuine smile, and I feel it as usual -- the flutter and the fullness. And Rory smiles too, but it's as fake as the one she wore that first time I met her – when she'd been panicking in the hallway, and it unsettles me deeply. It knocks the smile right off of my face.

  She takes her time making her way to us, and I want nothing more than to take her aside, to ask he
r what's wrong, to find a way to fix it. But, of course, once again, I'm completely useless.

  "Rory, this is Kendall. She graduated last year, she's at Northwestern now," Carl introduces.

  Rory forces her fake smile even wider, but she doesn't say a damned thing. Carl doesn't seem to notice her unease.

  "Kendall and her older brother Randy were a bit deal in Port Wood," Carl continues. Kendall rolls her eyes at Carl's gushing, but doesn’t interrupt. "He's at NYU now, isn't he?" she asks, then turns her attention back to Rory. "That's where you're going, Rory, right?"

  "Um, yeah," Rory murmurs.

  "Ooh, maybe you can introduce her, Ken," Carl suggests excitedly. "God, Rory, Randy is so hot. We all had crushes on him freshman and sophomore year, you know, until he graduated."

  Now I roll my eyes, but no one seems to notice I'm even still fucking here. It's true, of course, Randy was the shit, and he screwed his way through the entire school, breaking hearts, but never damaging his own reputation.

  In fact, it was Randy who sat me down my freshman year in the boy’s locker room after football practice one day to lecture me on how to handle the girls he predicted I would undoubtedly attract. And I took his words of wisdom to heart. He told me not to tie myself down to any one girl, because the moment I did was the moment I would tire of her, but that the key was to be straight with any girl I hooked up with from the get-go. To make sure she knew I wouldn't be attaching any strings, and that she shouldn't either. I didn't know then how right he was. He predicted that many of these girls would agree outwardly, but would convince themselves they would be the one to change my mind. But I would be in the clear, because how could I be the dick if I was up front from the out set?

  Of course, Randy never expected his sister would be one of these girls, but Kendall was just like Randy in her thinking, and it worked out well. When Randy found out we were hooking up, he couldn't have cared less. In fact, I think he was pretty self-satisfied that both of his little protégés were taking his advice.

  But the idea of him and Rory in the same thought, let alone the same room, or even college campus, sets my blood on fire. The thought of him implementing his game on Rory has my protective hackles up. Even though I know she's not interested in dating, I know if Randy set eyes on her, he'd want her, and I can't stand even the thought of him hitting on her.

  Kendall smirks and a sense of dread spreads through me.

  "Carl, that is an inspired idea. Honestly, Rory, you’re just his type, and he was just telling me how he'd love to meet someone and settle down," Kendall agrees.

  What. the fuck?

  My mouth opens before I've even fully processed the situation. "Rory's not looking to date, she just got out of a relationship." But Rory frowns at me and I shut up.

  I know exactly what Kendall is doing, and it's fucking working. Jealously swarms through me, unfamiliar and cruel. I've only had glimpses of it at the thought of Rory with some other guy, but this is a real guy, a guy I know, and a guy I don't believe for a goddamned second is looking to meet someone and settle down. I haven't been in touch with Randy in a while, but the guy I remember is looking to screw and bounce, not entertain a girlfriend.

  I silently convince myself that is the real reason I need to stop this from happening. To protect her. Not because it makes me feel physically ill to picture her in another guy's arms, even if he was treating her the way she deserved. Motherfucker.

  "Uh, yeah," Rory finally speaks up. "I'm a little young for all that settling down stuff, anyway."

  Carl and Kendall laugh light-heartedly, but my ears perk up. She sounds like she's talking about marriage, not just a relationship, and I wonder why her brain would go there.

  "I didn't mean like marriage, I meant just to start taking someone seriously," Kendall qualifies. "But hey, if you're not looking for that, that's cool too. My brother's awesome, I'm sure he'd be happy to show you around campus, you know, as a friend. It's always good to know someone going into college."

  "My cousin Thea goes there too," I interrupt, "she can show Rory around. She's going to be in Miami for two days while we're there, I'll introduce you," I offer. Rory and Thea will get along great, and I'd already thought about introducing them so Rory has a friend when she starts NYU. Because I know from experiene that being told Rory was only up for a friendship doesn't prevent the desire for more, and I know Randy's a good guy, but I can't risk that he wouldn't be quite as respectful of her as I've been. He wouldn't know about her history; he wouldn't understand her. He would trigger her, for certain, and I can't let that happen. I promised to protect her, whether it's my right to do it or not, and I meant it.

  Kendall's smirk stretches even wider and I shoot her a glare to tell her to knock it off – that's she's made her fucking point. I'm jealous, she wins, now shut the fuck up.

  "Yeah, well I guess it can't hurt to know some people," Rory murmurs uncertainly. "Why don't you give me his number and maybe I'll call him when I'm in the city."

  Her words rattle my heart, sending nausea swirling in my gut, but I don't say a word.

  "Here, give me your phone, I'll add him to your contacts," Kendall offers, grinning in satisfaction. "Cap can vouch for him, they played football together for years."

  My anger at Kendall combusts, my stomach dropping through the shiny walnut floor of Andy's living room.

  I never told Rory I played football. At first it didn't come up, but then one afternoon she slipped into a rant about football players being self-important assholes, and how she can't stand a single one oft them. I felt guilty as sin, but I made a conscious decision to keep my mouth shut that day… and every time it's come up since.

  Anxiety shakes me, and I scowl at Kendall with such animosity I doubt anyone could miss it. But Kendall is concentrating of programming Randy's cell number into Rory's phone, and she's completely unaware of her slip-up, or my reaction. I silently chastise myself for not thinking ahead. Of course someone would mention I played football at eventually. But I really did mean to tell Rory the truth at some point. When she knew me well enough not to judge me by a stupid fucking sport I played. When she trusted me.

  But I didn't. And now, though she covers it well, she looks as if she's just had the proverbial rug yanked out from under her feet, and it guts me. This won't help with her trust issues. This will take us back weeks, I know it. Or fuck, it could completely shut her down. My heart races with dread, and I think I need one of her goddamned pills.

  "So, Rory, I've heard a lot about you, I'm glad I got to meet you. Cap says you're from Florida, right?" Kendall asks, still utterly unaware of what she's just done.

  "Yeah, northern Florida," Rory mutters, but her mind is elsewhere, and I have no doubt where. She must feel like I've betrayed her. And I have. I didn't lie, technically, but a lie of omission is still a lie, and I won't defend myself with semantics.

  Kendall murmurs something about Miami and then playfully messes up my hair, and I don't even feel it, I'm staring at Rory, willing her not to be angry with me.

  "Uh sure," Rory replies to whatever Kendall said, and then she finally looks at me. "You played football?" Her voice is deceptively timid, and I realize that she's not angered at my deception – she's hurt, and that's so much worse.

  I blink at her, desperate for the right words, but I'm not sure they exist. I'm at a loss. My distress is palpable, and I'm astonished that our friends can't sense that something deeper than the surface conversation going on right now.

  "Duh, he's the star of the team," Carl replies flippantly. "He's been the Captain of every team since pee wee league, he's the freaking quarterback. That's why everyone calls him Cap. Because of his last name and that he's been team Captain like four times."

  I hate the way Rory is looking at me. As if I'm a stranger.

  "Oh," she breathes, and we stare at each other, each trying to figure the other out. I wish we were alone. I wish I could apologize – to tell her nothing's changed. That I'm still the same guy I was be
fore she knew I'd played the damned sport.

  "Anyway, I'm starving, we were just going to head to the diner for a late night snack, do you guys want to join us?" Kendall offers.

  I will Rory to accept, because at least I'll get the chance to talk to her, even with nosy Kendall around, but I know she won't. I already know she's going to make an excuse to run away from what's upsetting her, and this time, that's me. It stings like fucking hell.

  "I'm actually kinda tired, I was, um, about to leave anyway." Rory says just as I'd expected. "It was nice to meet you," she adds to Kendall. "See you."

  Before I can think of the words to stop her, she turns and speed-walks out the back door.

  I stare after her, dumbfounded by how the evening went, before I get ahold of myself.

  "You fucking suck," I mutter to Kendall before I race after Rory.

  In the distance I hear Marshall call out to her that she's looking good, and I bury the desire to punch him and follow the sound around the side of the house and to the street. She's there, walking in the middle of the road, halfway to her car already.

  "Ror!" I call out, picking up speed as I run after her. But she doesn't stop, if anything, she walks even faster. Damn it.

  "Rory, will you wait?!" I plead in frustration.

  She doesn't turn to face me, but stops – thank fucking God. I slow to a jog, catching my breath as I come up behind her. I take her elbow, needing her to face me.

  "For such a star athlete I'd have thought you'd be in better shape," she snaps as she finally turns to me. Knowing I deserve the contempt in her tone doesn’t make it sting any less, and I wince. She looks down, and I can't stand that she can't even look at me.

  "I'll have you know that I am in impeccable shape." It's the only reply I can think of, and it's completely childish to respond to her words instead of her tone, but I still can't find the right fucking words.

  Rory's eyes skate from the ground up and down my body, landing back on her boots, and I'm so desperate that I convince myself she blushes.