The Light in My Heart

by Jerry Rosendorn

  Dr. Fox pushed her lips together and nodded. She clearly approved. “Jake, sometimes people have a hard time making and carrying out big decisions in their lives. I see you needed that last date with her to realize all the reasons why she was not good for you. In the end, you finally asserted yourself. There are so many lessons to take away from your experience with Helen. If I had to narrow it down to just one, I hope you see that ‘kindness’ is one of the cornerstones of a good relationship.”

  Chapter 17

  1967

  In the summer of 1967, with Helen behind me, I rededicated myself to my studies and my goal of becoming an attorney. At seventeen, I was feeling more self-assured and walked with more confidence as I reached my six-foot two-inch frame. Having experienced aspects of physical and emotional love, I felt more in tune with life and girls. I was now ready to appreciate and be part of a meaningful relationship.

  I spent the year working in a convalescent hospital in the Valley caring for old people, many of whom were bedridden. During the summer months, I worked full-time; during the school year, I scaled back to just weekends. Earning one dollar, ten cents per hour as an orderly, my shift started at seven o’clock in the morning; normally ending at three-thirty in the afternoon. My work day was full of bathing, feeding, and dressing patients; always making sure there was time to talk with them about their life stories.

  During this same summer, my father still worked at the temple in Beverly Hills. One Saturday evening, when his youth group was having a dance at the temple, he asked me to join him. I agreed to go after I finished work.

  That Saturday morning, my mother dropped me off at work and promised to pick me up at three-thirty. I’d have plenty of time to get home from the hospital, change for the dance, and drive to the temple with my father. Unfortunately, a problem came up at the hospital where my boss needed me to work later than scheduled. Because I left work late, I wasn’t home when my father wanted to leave for the temple. When I got home, I was surprised to find my father, who was normally an impatient man, waiting for me.

  I apologized for the delay and changed quickly. As we drove to the temple, he complained, but I didn’t want to hear it; I felt loyal to my job and I couldn’t help being late. As I sat in the car, I was tired from my long day; I wasn’t sure if it was truly worth it to go with him. Yet, if I hadn’t gone, a whole series of events would not have occurred in my life.

  I agreed to go to the dance hoping to see some of the kids from last winter’s retreat. While spending most of my time with Carol from West Covina, I did remember several other girls who had been there.

  When we arrived at the temple, my father showed me to the recreation hall while he went off to help with the final touches for the dance. As I walked around looking for familiar faces, one of the girls from the retreat came up to me. Her name was Debbie; she was incredibly pretty with long blonde hair and gorgeous green eyes.

  She opened her arms and gave me a big hug; my face went flush from the excitement of having her so close.

  “I’m so happy you’re here,” she said with delight. “I asked your father if you were going to be here; I’m so glad you came. I’ve missed you since the retreat.”

  At the retreat, we exchanged a few pleasant words, but she didn’t talk to me like she was now. Then an old tape ran through my head and I heard the words from the song “Dawn” by the Four Seasons. Here I was, a boy of modest means from the San Fernando Valley, talking to an absolute doll. Money was her middle name; she had the looks, charm, and personality I dreamed about in a girl.

  The next thing I knew, Debbie was introducing me to her friend Wendy, who I hadn’t noticed since my eyes were glued to Debbie. As I turned toward Wendy, I noticed that her long dark hair fell to her lower back. She had dark eyes with a slightly timid smile, yet, she was cute with a long thin body.

  As Debbie left to talk with someone else, she looked back at me and said she’d be right back. I found myself alone with Wendy and we started talking.

  Wendy was shy, but she knew how to please a boy like me: She kept me talking about myself.

  Wendy and I spent the entire evening together; she was a good dancer who never left my side. After about an hour, I suggested we take a walk; she followed me outside. As soon as we stepped into the night air, she was in my arms and I felt her soft lips on mine. I wanted to see her again.

  At the end of the evening, Wendy gave me a warm hug and her phone number.

  Wendy lived in the hills above Sunset Boulevard in Brentwood, a well-to-do neighborhood requiring a commute over the Sepulveda Pass from the Valley.

  Wendy was an only child with very welcoming parents. Whenever I was over their house, her mother wanted to talk to me; she seemed interested in everything I had to say.

  As much as Wendy’s mother was out-going, her father was friendly but quiet. As a cameraman who worked for one of the television networks; he’d won an Emmy Award proudly displayed in their living room.

  Wendy and I were having a great time together. The only problem was I couldn’t always count on getting my mother’s car. Having to find rides to West Los Angeles; help came first from my friend Jim.

  Jim was a little odd, but to his credit, he could always get the family car. Yet, there was a snag. To get Jim to drive, I needed Wendy to find a girl who was willing to go on a blind date.

  Wendy succeeded in finding Jim a few dates. First, there was an attractive exchange student from Japan with a limited knowledge of English. Wendy arranged for the four of us to go out to dinner, then to see the movie, “You Only Live Twice.” Jim thought it was incredibly cool to arrive at the theater with a cute Japanese girl.

  After the movie, we drove to Mulholland Drive, an iconic place to park and see the lights across the San Fernando Valley. Once we found a good spot, we pulled off the road and parked. Wendy and I were enjoying the view, when it sounded like Jim was mauling his date in the front seat. Right then, I immediately interrupted whatever was going on and asked Jim to drive us home. I was livid with him for taking advantage of her. Jim drove his date home first. Once we left her off, I started yelling at him.

  “Jim, what the hell were you doing to that poor little girl? You just met her; Wendy went to a lot of trouble to set you up.”

  “I didn’t do anything, really.” Jim’s mouth stuttered. “She attacked me.”

  I couldn’t believe his response.

  “Jim, are you nuts? Why would she attack you?”

  Wendy suddenly chimed in to stop both of us.

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” she cried. “It’s my fault. I knew what she’s like, but I couldn’t find anyone else available tonight. Jim’s right; she has a reputation of being aggressive and willing to do anything with boys.”

  I got a smirk on my face thinking, “Lucky Jim.”

  When I was able to get my mother’s car, Wendy and I went out alone. She still asked me about myself, so I kept talking. The first time we were alone in my car, I parked on a dark street near her home and we started kissing. My hands roamed her long body, but she was reluctant to let me touch her. She was not well-endowed and seemed self-conscious that her breasts were small. But once she submitted to me, the pleasure of feeling and kissing her brought me to a new level of enjoyment.

  After several weeks of using my mother’s car, she was unwilling to let me use it one weekend. Wendy was aware of my transportation problem, so she began calling her friends to get another date for Jim.

  Wendy called Diana, a friend who lived in the Pacific Palisades. She asked Diana to go on a blind date with Jim. Diana agreed and the date was set. Wendy, Jim, and I drove to Diana’s house to pick her up.

  As we got out of the car, Diana’s father greeted us at the door.

  “Hi all,” was his friendly greeting. “I’m Sherman.”

  They lived in a house tucked into a canyon which was part of the hills above
Sunset Boulevard north of the Riviera Country Club. From the street, Diana’s house was entered through the second story. After going downstairs, the first level opened in the back of the house to a spectacular view.

  Diana was short, with dark hair styled in a flip, and dark eyes. She had a big smile for such a little person and her figure was perfect; I doubt she weighed more than ninety pounds.

  While we were out to dinner, I couldn’t take my eyes off Diana and especially her dimples; I was being drawn to her sweetness and charm.

  After the evening was over, Jim told me he thought Diana was nice, but not his type. I guess she didn’t attack him. I thought my friend Bob from junior high school might like her. This was the same Bob I rode bikes to school with until his family moved to Encino. Bob had access to his family’s car and he agreed to double date with Diana, Wendy, and me.

  Due to the efforts of Wendy and Diana, we had a delicious picnic dinner in Griffith Park followed by a show in the Planetarium of the Observatory. It was a very pleasant evening, though as the date progressed, it became apparent while Bob liked Diana, she wasn’t crazy about him.

  After that date, I didn’t want to fix Diana up with anyone else; I kept thinking she might be a good match for me.

  I had Diana’s telephone number and began calling from time-to-time to see how she was doing.

  Wendy was leaving with her family for a two-week vacation in France; we said our good-byes the night before she left.

  With Wendy out of the picture for a while, I called Diana every night and I found myself getting closer and closer to her. Finally, a few days before Wendy was due back, I asked Diana out.

  We had a great time. When we returned to her house after dinner, we took a short walk along the street above her home. As we approached a sweeping turn in the road, the view of the city lights below was majestic. I took her hand; she responded by giving me an assenting look. We walked on until we reached another vista point even higher than the first one. Suddenly, without realizing how it happened, my arms were around her small body; as she stood on her toes, our lips were aligned. When our lips met; I felt my senses being aroused; then I knew I didn’t want to let her go.

  The night before Wendy returned, the situation came to a head while Diana and I were talking on the phone.

  “Wendy is my friend, how could I do this to her?” Diana cried. “What are we going to do?”

  “Look Diana,” I tried to respond calmly. “Wendy and I aren’t going steady. Sure, I like her, but we’d only been dating for a short time. My feelings for you are strong; I want to pursue a relationship with you. I’ll tell her what happened.”

  After thinking about how I’ll tell her, it seemed awkward to do it at Wendy’s house; her mother would be there and might listen to our conversation. I wasn’t sure I could handle her mother’s reaction.

  If I took Wendy out for dinner, she might overreact in public and it would be embarrassing and uncomfortable. The best solution was to tell her over the phone.

  To this day, I can’t remember the words I used, but I remember my heart beating heavily. However, I remained certain I wanted to explore a relationship with Diana.

  I called Wendy the night she returned home from her trip to tell her about Diana and me. Afterward she cried; I apologized and our relationship ended.

  After I hung up with Wendy, I immediately called Diana who was waiting on pins and needles.

  “What happened?” she demanded. “What did you say to her? What did she say to you?”

  I told Diana as much as I remembered. When I mentioned that Wendy cried, there was silence on the line.

  “Diana,” I said softly trying to reassure her, “we were brought together by Wendy. I’m sorry I hurt her, but now we have a chance to get to know each other better.”

  This experience was new to me. I was so swept up in my new relationship with Diana; I don’t believe I truly understood its depth.

  Chapter 18

  “Jake, your life sounds like a soap opera; you were only seventeen.” She looked toward her notes as though she was drawing arrows from her quiver.

  “What do you think about your behavior? You know, I’m being too diplomatic here. You hurt someone’s feelings. Wendy tried to make you like her. She kept you talking about yourself, helped to find dates for your rides, and she ends up with hurt feelings.”

  Dr. Fox stared at me. The message was clear; she was making sure I understood her. After a long and uncomfortable pause, she continued.

  “I’m trying to figure out why you ended your relationship with Wendy for Diana. Wendy was taller. Wendy was kind. Wendy was helpful. Wendy was a good kisser. Was it the size of her breasts? Could it have been she was unavailable for two weeks while she was on vacation with her family?”

  Her lips were pursed as she nodded slightly to emphasize each of her points. Then, she moved on with the inquisition. “What motivated you? What could Diana have offered you during those two weeks that Wendy couldn’t give you when she returned? I know Diana is not your soul mate; you wouldn’t be here if she was. Maybe you made a mistake in not pursuing your relationship with Wendy; maybe this is the type of mistake you’ve been making your entire life. Are you a man who needs conquests? Have I given you enough questions to ponder?”

  Each question was an arrow to my forehead. It felt so real; I touched myself to see how much blood I had lost before I responded.

  “When I walked in your office for the first time, I didn’t know you would challenge me,” I admitted. “I guess I thought I was going to snow you with my charm, get some quick advice on the right woman for me, and be out of here in one visit. Instead, you are taking me on; I realize I need it. Your comments up to this point have been right on and now you are pushing me even harder. I know I need to let you push so I can see the point and look deeply at myself. But remember, I was a seventeen-year-old kid.”

  Dr. Fox surprised me with a smile. “Jake, you’re right and maybe you need to push back. Nobody’s perfect; we all make bad decisions. I’m just listening and wondering why you stopped seeing Wendy in favor of Diana? But, of course, I realize there is much more to come in this life of yours. I have a feeling we’re going to get the answers to some of my questions as we push on.”

  Chapter 19

  1967-1971

  Diana and I began our relationship when she was in the eleventh and I was in the twelfth grade. With our commitment to each other on solid ground, I was able to concentrate on my long-time career choice to be an attorney. My eager determination to get into law school pushed me to attend summer school where I was able to accumulate enough credits to graduate mid-year of the twelfth grade. After graduation, I attended a local state college majoring in political science. As part of my course of study, I took pre-law classes and was still on track to go to law school.

  During our four years together, Diana and I spent every weekend at her house in the Pacific Palisades. The feelings Diana and I developed for each other were growing; there was a special closeness and warmth between us, as well as the special bond I formed with her parents. They were the family I’d always wanted; loving people I admired who enjoyed life to its fullest.

  Diana’s father, Sherman, was a salesman with an incredible gift of gab. He was a great storyteller with a personality to match. When he came into the room, people gravitated to him. He could sell anything with his beaming smile. Diana obviously got her charm from her dad.

  When Sherman went on a sales trip to a local drugstore, I tagged along to see how he dealt with his clients. He sold popular promotional items like mugs, pens, magnets, and shirts to the drugstore and Five and Dime stores. The stores purchased these items; then advertised them for sale in local newspapers and store flyers at a reduced rate to get people into their stores.

  On this same sales trip, Sherman met with the store manager trying to sell him shirts made in China. At first, the
store manager wasn’t interested so Sherman moved on to other promotional items. Later, he returned to the shirts and created some buzz by telling the manager the shirts sold well at other drugstores in the area. This caught the manager’s ear and he agreed to buy several dozen.

  I watched him use his experience and charm to sell; I learned from his persistence.

  From the start, I felt Sherman liked me; he saw my potential. He knew of my commitment to law school; that I’d be a successful attorney. Then, he told me about his own college experience.

  “When I graduated high school, with my ability to sway people, I wanted to be an attorney,” he shared, “I wanted to use my abilities in the courtroom. I went to college to study business law, but it became hard for me. I took night classes and studied during the day, while I worked part-time to bring in money for my family. Unfortunately, when my father became ill, I had to leave school. I needed a full-time job to help support my parents and younger sister, so I became a salesman.”

  As I listened to him, I knew he would have been a good attorney; he was a caring man who focused on his job. I felt badly he had to give up his dream; it made me appreciate mine even more. Clearly, I had more opportunities than Sherman and I didn’t have the pressure of supporting my family.

  Sherman then told me a story about an attorney.

  “I was selling aluminum siding in Detroit where I made cold calls on homeowners. Once I knocked on a door that belonged to an attorney. I gave him my best sales pitch; he bought siding and signed the contract without reading it.”

  Sherman and I had a good laugh over his conquest.

  While talking to Sherman about my future, I expressed my determination to learn and succeed; he readily accepted that I was someone who would accomplish my goals. I felt good knowing Sherman believed in me. As part of his hope for his daughter, he always made me feel like I was part of his family.