The Light in My Heart

by Jerry Rosendorn

  When we were done shopping, we headed for the cash registers in the front of the store. As we walked in that direction, Sharon picked up a large bottle of red wine.

  “Honey, with all these fruits, I’ll make you delicious sweet sangria.”

  I smiled, knowing she was taking good care of me.

  As we waited our turn in the checkout line, Sharon told me, “I don’t come to the store for just a few items. Since time is valuable, I always think ahead about what I’ll need for several days. Now that you have seen how I shop, in the future, I’ll send you to pick up what we need. I’ve always taken care of myself; even when I was married to Egal. So it’s difficult for me to rely on someone else, but I’m willing to try with you.”

  I called Sharon. “Hi, how are you?”

  “I’m fine. How are you?”

  “I’ve got some wonderful news. I got invited to San Francisco to attend a mediation seminar being sponsored by the American Bar Association. I’d love for you to come with me. Of course, I’ll book two rooms.”

  “What are the dates?”

  “It’s the first week of June. I’ll get you the exact dates.”

  “When do you have to be in class?”

  “From eight-thirty to noon; then we’ll have the rest of each day to sightsee. The ABA is putting us up in a hotel near Union Square. What do you think?”

  “That sounds great. I haven’t been to San Francisco since I was a teenager. Will you show me around the city?”

  “Yes, I’ll take you on a walking tour of my favorite parts of the ‘city by the bay.’”

  One evening after dinner, as we cuddled on her couch, I asked Sharon about her dreams. She told me about her dream house on a beautiful tree-lined street in Encino called Rancho.

  Every so often, as we drove to her condo from work, she took me on that road to see some of the homes she dreamed about. Rancho was a throwback to the 1950’s; narrow, winding, lined with large trees, and in need of new paving. The homes had deep set-backs from the street, with big front yards, and fruit trees in the backyards.

  Each time we drove on Rancho, I could feel her dream when I saw the special quality of the homes on that street.

  Almost every evening when we spoke, Sharon always had the same request, “Say something nice.” I wondered why she asked me; then I discovered she wanted me to say something loving and caring that had an extra special meaning for us and would stay in her heart until the next time we were together. Knowing what it meant to her, and fulfilling my need to verbalize my feelings, I recounted all my discoveries about her.

  “Honey, you’re brilliant. When you analyze an issue you can see so clearly and explain it so well; I understand what you’re dealing with.”

  “You know my friend Hannah tells me the same thing. I was never sure when she said that to me. But, now that you’re saying the same things, I’m beginning to believe them; they feel good coming from you.”

  Chapter 48

  June 1998

  The first week of June arrived and we were off to San Francisco. I picked up Sharon at home; then we drove to the Burbank Airport.

  Once we landed in San Francisco, we took a cab to the hotel and checked in.

  On our first night, we walked to the International Street, a nighttime alley near Union Square with several different types of restaurants. After reading each menu, we decided on a Thai cuisine with several appealing specials. After a delicious meal and some sweet after-dinner wine, we returned to our separate rooms at the hotel.

  The next morning, I attended my scheduled classes. Afterward, Sharon and I met in the hotel lobby to tour San Francisco. Just before we left the hotel, I asked Sharon if she would wait for me outside so I could return a call to Annette. She’d left me a message; I wanted to call her back. But, by the look on Sharon’s face, I could see she didn’t take my request well. Thinking better of it, I told Sharon I would call later.

  We left the hotel and walked to Union Square and Chinatown.

  Later on while we were shopping, I noticed Sharon seemed distant. I asked her what was wrong; she refused to tell me. As we continued to walk, she grew further away from me. Eventually, we ended up for dinner at an Italian restaurant in North Beach. We entered the restaurant, but by then, she was hardly talking or looking at me; I’d lost her.

  “Sharon, what’s wrong?”

  “I don’t want to talk right now.”

  “Sharon, you have to talk; I need to know if I did anything to upset you. Tell me; get it off your chest. We need to talk about what’s bothering you.”

  She paused. “If I asked you to leave the room so I could return a call to one of my male friends, how would you feel?”

  The question hit me hard.

  I could feel my head sinking towards the ground to think about her question. I paused for a few seconds realizing I clearly understood what had bothered her. I then lifted my head up to make eye contact.

  “I’d be concerned and upset as well. I’d think something was going on between the two of you.”

  “Then put yourself in my place when you asked me to leave the lobby so you could return a call to your ex-girlfriend. Your request hurt me deeply.”

  I could feel her pain. My thoughts were swirling in my mind while I searched for the correct words to show my remorse. Finally, I said, “Sharon, I can’t apologize enough; I was disrespectful to you. I’m sorry.

  “During class, Annette left a message on my cell phone that she’d be away next week; she wanted to wish me an early ‘happy birthday.’ I just wanted to thank her. I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable while I talked to her. But, it backfired on me. Sharon, I’m truly sorry; I never meant to hurt you.”

  She gave me a smile. “Jake, it’s hard for me. Remember, I have trust issues. When you hide something or exclude me, the trust begins to slip. You don’t need to protect me; just be yourself.”

  I thought deeply about what she said. I was working hard to build a relationship filled with trust; with one mistake, I set us back. I looked deeply into her eyes. “Sharon, please forgive me.”

  Without hesitation, she said, “I do. But, I’m hurt.”

  I took her hand and kissed it feeling some relief in the discussion we had. When our food came, we put our forks into the same large salad bowl.

  After dinner, Sharon and I walked back to our hotel. With the stress of our day now gone, we held hands as we walked back to the hotel.

  When we got back, Sharon asked me to wait in the bar; she wanted to get something from her room. She came back with some papers in her hand; then explained to me she had done some writing the night before we left for San Francisco.

  “Somehow, I think tonight is an appropriate night to read this to you.” She looked into my eyes before she started to read. “Before I met you, I was fine with not having someone in my life. All of the feelings I now have were asleep; you’ve woken them up. But, there’s an issue for me. I have to grow up; I need to be patient; to be able to trust. Now, I have someone in my life. I need to understand all the dimensions of two people being in a relationship; to trust they’ll be faithful to each other.”

  There was nothing I could say after she read that to me; I just looked into her eyes with loving affection.

  Friday arrived, marking the end of the seminar. When class let out at noon, Sharon and I went off to spend another day together in San Francisco.

  Chapter 49

  June 1998

  As Sharon and I left our hotel, we decided to go to brunch at a nearby San Francisco landmark called Dottie’s True Blue Café. When we got to the restaurant and saw the long line out front, we discovered we weren’t Dottie’s only fans. My first instinct was to leave; no food was worth this long a wait. Then as I thought about Sharon and how good I felt just being with her; I knew that the wait was just a part of sharing my day with her. I decided to re
lax and become flexible; letting my old rigid instinct disappear. If waiting in line was part of our day together, then we’d wait.

  After waiting about an hour, we got a table and ordered from the breakfast menu. When our food came, we shared two incredible omelets, a muffin, sourdough toast, fresh juice, and hot delicious lattes. The wait was definitely worthwhile. After a fantastic meal with fabulous atmosphere; our mood for the day was set.

  To walk off the meal, we casually strolled back to Union Square to do some serious window-shopping; the jewelry shops were the highlight as Sharon’s eyes brightened with each new ring she saw. I carefully watched her face to see what type of designs, stones, and craftsmanship she liked best.

  Next, we were off to the theater. Earlier in the week, we’d passed a theater featuring a 1960’s music revival that included my favorite group, The Four Seasons. Wanting to share my love of their music with Sharon, I purchased two tickets for the Friday night show. What a treat! The music was incredible; it took us back to our school days. Sharon loved the show; several times during their performance we were up on our feet swaying to the music.

  After the show, we walked over to a famous grill near the Embarcadero. Sharon wanted to be sure our dishes were prepared to her liking; so she asked about the ingredients and requested recommendations. After she ordered for us, we drank sweet wine; sharing our meals while we talked about the music. On a more somber note, I told her about some of my issues while growing up; how listening to this music brought back some of those old feelings.

  As I constantly stared at her; I couldn’t help but take in her beauty; my hand crossed the table and took hers.

  After dinner, we took a cab back to the hotel for our last night in San Francisco. Instead of going directly to our rooms, we went to the bar for a Baileys and listening to the piano player sing some great music from the 1930s and 1940s. Every so often, I looked into her beautiful eyes and saw the soul behind them. When we kissed lightly and lovingly, my thoughts went to all of the lost nights of my life without her.

  A week after we got back, we met for dinner. Our conversations brought me closer to her; being with Sharon reminded me of the old saying, “two peas in a pod.” I felt Sharon and I were those two peas; in tune with each other as though we were one person. I felt so compelled to share my feelings with Sharon, I sounded like someone who recently discovered religion.

  “When I saw you at Teresa’s house, there was something so strong that drew me to you. I wasn’t going to let you get away until I knew what that was. Were you the one I’d been searching for? Were you the one Dr. Fox talked about?”

  The next day, I received an e-mail from Sharon. “I am sitting in my office trying to start my work day, but I can’t calm the feeling I have for you. I’ve been thinking back to all we’ve accomplished in such a short time. Now, my life has a whole new meaning since you became a part of it. Thank you for looking for me.”

  The following Saturday was my birthday. When I got to Sharon’s we had a wonderful breakfast of waffles, fruit, and lattes.

  When we were done eating, Sharon handed me a small wrapped box.

  “Happy birthday, Jake.”

  Inside was a beautiful silver key chain with one key. Her eyes told me it was the key to her condo. When I hugged her, I could feel the moment.

  “Sharon, darling, I’m so touched. Every morning when I open your door, I’ll be so quiet I’ll never wake you.”

  “Sweetheart, no matter how much you try to be quiet, I’ll always wake up when you come through the door.”

  “What if I can come in without waking you?”

  “Name your prize.”

  There was a pause while I thought about what I wanted. Then, I let my ego get involved and said, “Sharon, I want to make love to you. What if that’s the prize? If I walk in without waking you, then you’ll make love to me.”

  In a flippant manner, Sharon responded, “Would it be ‘love’ under those circumstances?” She paused and then continued, “Jake, it doesn’t matter, I’ll always hear you come in.”

  We had a standing date at Sharon’s condo for Saturday morning breakfast. The first time I arrived with my own key, it was very early in the morning and creep up the short stairway to her unit in my tennis shoes. When I reached her front door, I gently placed my key in the lock slowly turning it a fraction of an inch at a time. As her door opened, I silently eased my long frame inside. Not surprisingly, I was greeted by a friendly “Hello” from Sharon.

  Chapter 50

  As Thomas Wolfe famously said, “You can’t go home again.” Home should be a place to feel secure; to get help and the best advice from your parents. But, I couldn’t return to my parents with my adult problems, so I went to see my other mother, Dr. Miriam Fox.

  Even though a sharp look from her could get a criminal to confess, I knew she cared about me; I needed her advice again.

  I was sitting patiently in the waiting room when Dr. Fox opened her office door and stared at me. When I got up and started walking toward her, she stopped me and bluntly said, “If you broke up with her, you can just turn around and leave.”

  I stopped in my tracks and said, “No, Dr. Fox, I didn’t break up with Sharon.”

  She moved a few steps towards me. “Are you still bugging her about sex?”

  “A little, I guess,” I said hastily, retreating from her advance. “I need to speak with you, may I come in?”

  She turned on her heels as she walked back into her office, leaving the door open for me to follow.

  “I’m ‘digging’ into her emotional layers.” I tried to reassure her. “But, that’s not why I’m here.”

  I could see her soften a little signaling the drawbridge was being lowered. “Okay, you can sit on the hard chair, but the invitation can be rescinded without notice.”

  As I tried to get comfortable in her old hard chair, it reminded me of the one my parents had in the 1950’s as part of the colonial décor of their ranch-style home.

  “Dr. Fox, here’s the issue. Sharon gave me a key to her condo and said she’ll always hear me when I open the door. As a type ‘A’ male who finds it difficult to pass up a challenge, I told her I could open the door without waking her. Then, to make it interesting, I said, and she sort of agreed, if I could open the door without waking her, I could name my prize. So, I told her the prize is she has to make love to me.”

  “What! Jake, are you regressing?”

  When she stared daggers at me, I wondered which of my body parts she’s was attempting to amputate. She took a deep breath before continuing.

  “Jake, this doesn’t have a loving ring to it,” then raised her voice, “it’s childish,” she understated. “Why don’t you let her take you out to dinner if you win? By the way, what does she get if you lose? Does she have to keep you?”

  “Dr. Fox, so far this is all academic; she wakes up every time I open the door.”

  “Jake, I am glad you came here today. You’re obviously slipping and in need of a refresher course. You must remove sex as the focal point in your relationship. This woman has trust issues that you are going to exacerbate. Let sex be the outgrowth of a loving relationship, not the goal.”

  Dr. Fox paused to gather in her thoughts. As she edged up on the couch, I could see her gears shift. “Jake, I’m concerned about you in that chair; you’re putting too much pressure on your ‘brains.’ Come sit on the soft couch; I need you back in the ocean feeling relaxed. I want you to think about your relationship with Sharon from a different point of view.”

  I got up; she escorted me to the couch as though I was a sick patient in need of her support.

  “Don’t forget who you’re dealing with; Sharon isn’t holding back from you. She’s been opening up by sharing her past and emotional state. Remember, when her husband rejected her, she was left with a bad case of low self-esteem. Trust is a big issue for her. Y
ou’ll hurt her – let me repeat– you’ll hurt her if you make sex the goal. Let her do what makes her comfortable. Accept her the way she is; love her for who she is. Remember the last time I saw you; I said you have a golden opportunity to learn more about each other. Use it, Jake.

  “You should be ashamed to be here with this issue. You know deep down I care about your well-being, but right now I want to hit you over the head so you don’t ‘fuck’ things up with Sharon. Jake, I’m pleading with you to learn about her. Instead of making the challenge to open the door without waking her, I want you to wake her, listen to her, and discover the secrets of her sensualities.

  “Here’s one more way to approach this issue. I want you to think about ways to turn on a woman. Here’s a hint, it’s not just physical.

  “I wish I could draw you a diagram. Instead, you need to use your limited imagination. Think of your life with Sharon as the three points of a triangle. You’re at one point, Sharon is at another point, and your relationship is at the third point.

  “You seem to be doing an okay job with yourself. Congratulations on how well you’re handling the first and least important point of the triangle. The second point is your relationship. You seem to be doing an okay job nurturing the relationship. However, two out of three doesn’t win the prize in this game of life; you must be three for three. As to the third and most needy point of the triangle; don’t forget about Sharon.

  “Just imagine the three points of the triangle are you, a cow, and the cow’s milk. Obviously, I am not worried about you; you can take care of yourself. The second point of this new triangle is the milk you enjoy; we know you enjoy the female breast. But, what about the third point of this triangle? What if you forget to feed the cow? Then what happens? Guess what? No milk. Do you get it, Mr. Mediator?”