‘What you’ve gone through and how you’ve survived is… it’s amazing, Ace. Don’t ever doubt your strength or your worth.’
‘I’m a junkie.’ I laughed, cringing at the confession.
He paused, holding the brush to my hair. ‘Not by choice.’
His words were simple, but they meant the world to me.
‘And last night.’ I rubbed my eyes shaking my head. ‘Daniel… God, I’m… it was-’
‘I know.’ He smiled before dropping his gaze. ‘I know I’m not him. I get it. It’s okay.’
If I wasn’t feeling like a real bitch before, I was now. I nodded, squeezing his hand.
‘When we get out of here, I’m going to stay until it’s all out of your system and until you’re no longer drawn into it. Deal?’
I smiled, closing my eyes.
‘Deal.’
Chapter Six
Ace
I closed my eyes, letting all my walls down, I was safe now… I could always be bare, with him. I could always show him the darkest corners of my soul and he’d still see the light in me.
I could show him all the demons hiding in the depths of my mind and he’d offer to show me his.
He traced his fingers across my skin, sending shivers across my body. He always had that effect on me… his hands always undid me, his kisses always unraveled my soul….
The way my name rolled off his tongue made my hands tremble as I held onto him.
He swept my hair behind my ears, his eyes never left mine not even when he reached down and picked me up, into his arms.
All the fear I had about him seeing me this way disappeared, he still loved me.
Slowly, after what seemed like an eternity we were in his bed, our bed, I closed my eyes just breathing in the familiar scent, the familiar safety his presence brought me. I never thought I’d feel this again.
Tears slipped through my closed eyes and his hands found mine, holding them against his chest so I wouldn’t be afraid, so I knew there was nothing to be afraid of again.
I woke up, jolting in my bed.
A sad, painful reminder that I was still here, shocked me to lucidity. I was still at Master Asshole’s house and I was still a month off making it out of here.
Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I sighed before rolling out of the bed, literally crawling to the bathroom.
It was easy to see now why all the others died months ago. I was a supercharged freak, and I still felt every aftershock of every pull of power from me. There was little energy left inside of me and I honestly questioned Dalca’s abilities to stop himself before he drained me. It also begged the question—why did he need me? He was the Taker, he was a Divine, just like I was. Whatever he was doing here, it was about me.
Groaning, I pushed myself to my feet and stepped into the shower, slowly and carefully. I only let a small trickle of water escape the showerhead, figuring that if I passed out, it would take a lot longer to fill to the brim before it could kill me. I’d come too far to die by shower, now.
I washed last night’s blood and bile from my hair, and scrubbed at the itchy, raw skin on my thighs and forearms, deliberately pressing harder than necessary.
The pain shot through me as blood pooled around the flesh wounds before disappearing under the hot water, but it felt so good. I lowered myself to the tiles, leaning heavily against the wall letting the water wash it all away. I could do this. Only twenty more days.
Daniel would be here soon. He’d have what I needed and then I’d be good again. Then I wouldn’t feel this. I wouldn’t feel the pain or the heat, or the anger or the sadness. Or the regret, the way I hurt Daniel. It would all be gone. My mind would finally be quiet and I’d be able to just sleep.
After I’d washed the shampoo out, I forced myself up and reached for the towel.
Enough was enough. This had to stop.
Daniel tapped on the door and let himself in, he’d learned by now that I spent the better part of the day in the bathroom either vomiting or showering. He knew to wait patiently until I was ready.
Today, his wait was short.
I walked into the room as steadily as my feet would allow and sat down beside him on the bed.
‘How do you feel today?’ he asked, turning to look at me.
‘I dreamt about him last night.’
‘Yeah?’
‘I miss him.’
He was supportive, as always, but I didn’t miss the pang of hurt that flashed across his eyes and he didn’t miss the way I flinched and moved back slightly.
‘You okay?’
Bringing my attention back to him I nodded, lying.
We’d made a nice, little team lately. He would ask how I was and I would talk, sometimes I’d just lay quietly, sometimes I’d have more energy. He would inject me and let me forget everything slowly. But he always listened, and he always remembered what I told him.
It felt good to speak about Illarion, to feel like he wasn’t just a memory I was afraid to lose.
He took my arm into his lap and tied the tourniquet as I continued to tell him about the way we used to train together and the way he made me laugh and, before I could tell him anymore, the heroin took hold and gradually, I leaned into him until my head was resting in his lap.
Silent tears fell from my eyes and I couldn’t stop them, maybe I didn’t want to. Emotions rolled through me, overwhelming my senses. I could feel everything now but I still couldn’t control it because the shields Dalca had in this house, were still stronger.
Pure, relentless rage filled Daniel’s veins as his trembling hands smoothed my wet hair down my back. We both had a lot to be angry about.
‘Tell me more about him.’
‘He told me that he loves me.’ I smiled, tasting the tears as they fell. ‘In one of his letters.’
‘How could he not?’
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I sucked in a shaky sigh. That was a loaded question. Would he still feel the same way? Knowing about all the things that happened in this house of horrors?
‘He always thought I was beautiful.’ I said quietly, like it was a definitive, past tense statement.
‘Because you are.’
‘I’m not anymore.’ I closed my eyes. ‘He writes about a woman who cares for him, he tells me that he feels like he’s betraying me.’
‘Who is she?’
‘A girl named Anna. Someone from the Agency.’
He tightened his hold around me. ‘I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but when he sees you again, everything will be back to normal and everything you had between one another will come back.’
‘He’ll never love me like this.’
‘I know how much he loves you, Ace, nothing will change that, ever.’
‘You’re sweet, Daniel. But I’m not naïve, I know how this goes, I know what Anna is to him.’
‘You need to believe in yourself more, and in him.’
‘Yeah,’ I murmured.
Sighing, I pulled myself together and got up, I had to sort myself out. I had to make it through the next three weeks by any means necessary.
‘My father is out for the day. Do you want to go for a walk?’
‘You’ll get in trouble. I don’t want you to get hurt because of me.’
‘He won’t be home until dinner and the staff won’t say anything. Come on.’ He said, holding his hand out to me.
Taking his hand, I followed him outside, into the warm summer day. I closed my eyes letting the sun warm my face, I hadn’t been outside for months and I’d forgotten how the wind felt on my skin.
‘How do you feel? Can you walk?’
Nodding, I brought my attention back to him. ‘Slowly.’
‘I want to show you the gardens. I think you’d really like them.’
He linked his arm through mine and, slowly, we made our way through the grounds. We had to stop every five or so minutes since I wasn’t exactly in the best health of my life, but it was nice.
It felt
good to be outside, and to be with Daniel just chatting.
‘How did you meet?’
The first day I met him, came to my mind, Illarion was in the boardroom.
‘We were assigned to work together. At the Agency.’
‘He must be quite an agent.’
I nodded leaning into him for support. ‘He is. He told me in one of his letters that he quit because he couldn’t be there anymore but they asked him to come back.’
‘Did he go back?’
‘Yes, his friend was worried about him.’
‘What else does he say in his letters?’
We rounded another winding path and walked up paved steps alongside a grand fountain.
‘That he misses me, that life is hard for him now, Anna helps a lot but he sees me suffering.’
He stopped walking, holding me up.
‘How?’
‘I’m not sure, I just know that it has to do with the Serum not lasting the way it normally would with Sensitives.’
‘Does he know you’re alive?’
‘He hopes that I am. But he doesn’t know. There’s no way he could know. Whatever he’s seeing must be my mind doing it subconsciously.’
‘Through dreams?’
‘Maybe. Times of high stress, I don’t know.’
He rubbed his chin. ‘Man, this is crazy, no one has ever been able to break through the Serum, even at low doses.’
‘I know.’ I looked up at him, meeting his crystal blue eyes.
‘What has he seen?’
‘Everything, all the things I don’t remember in the morning, he feels all the fear and the pain. I must push it into him through our connection.’
His eyes widened. ‘The connection thing is real? I’ve only ever heard about it, I guess I’ve only ever really heard about you too, but here you are.’
‘Here I am,’ I agreed. It was rare for two Divines to exist at any one time, and, I guess for Daniel it was huge since his father kept him in the dark about most things. ‘And, yes, it’s real. But being on the Serum, I can’t really feel him, and he can’t feel me, so he probably sees them as dreams, rather than an actual attempt of communication.’
‘So, the dreams he’s having about you, suffering, they’re because of this connection?’
I shrugged. ‘On a deep, subconscious level I must be trying to reach out for him.’
He looked at me, the amusement on his face that was there only seconds ago was replaced by sadness. ‘You’re calling to him for help, because you know what’s happening to you, even on the heroin. Christ, Ace, it’s not helping you at all. I did this to you for nothing.’
I shook my head, taking his hand in mine. ‘That’s not true. It helps. Believe me it does. My mind and body know, but my heart doesn’t. I’m at peace, when I sleep I see Ila, I don’t see him and what he’s doing to me. I don’t feel the pain. I’m not scared.’
‘They’re only blocked memories, Ace, you know they’ll come back as soon as you stop taking it.’
‘I know.’
He sat down on the step and dropped his head into his hand. I followed suit, enjoying the sound of the tranquil water cascading down beside us.
‘How will you cope? When it all comes back?’ He turned his head, meeting my eyes.
I looked away, finding the sun in the cloudless horizon.
‘Somehow.’
He took a deep breath.
‘I’ll kill him myself.’
‘You won’t have to.’
Letting that thought settle, we quietly walked back to the house, I was disappointed that our day trip was over but I was thankful that I could have it.
Daniel locked the door to my room when he left and I sat on the floor with my pile of letters.
Eleventh of May
I dreamt about you again, I’ve been trying to stay awake. I can’t sleep knowing what I’m going to see. But I know it’s the only way I still feel you, it’s like some sick and twisted way that fate has let me keep you.
Next week will be five months since you died. Five months. I don’t even know how I can quantify the days. They’re just numbers. Just numbers on a clock, time goes on, but not for me. For me time stopped when your heart did.
Everything now is just existing.
I watched you cry again, you’re so weak, you’re barely holding on now. I don’t know what’s happening to you. I don’t know if it’s real, or if it’s a punishment, I created myself. Whatever it is, it’s getting worse.
You’re getting worse. You call to me, every night.
Every night I fight the Darkness inside me, if I let it take hold, I wouldn’t feel this anymore. I wouldn’t feel your pain.
I know you wouldn’t want that. You’re the only reason I get out of bed every morning. Knowing what you did, for me.
I’ll never forgive you for it.
I love you.
Illarion
In my heart, I’d always known that the decision was going to make him hate me, I think I knew it as soon as I pushed him out of the warehouse.
Gripping the letter, I took a moment to compose myself. I peeled my eyes away and put it back with the others. There was only one left. I didn’t want to open it. I didn’t want to see him say goodbye—that he was letting go and finally moving on. These letters were the only strength I had.
And I would keep it as my reminder, a token to hold onto. Until then, I would do what Master Asshat wanted of me, I would be the slave he commanded and on the last day, I would destroy him.
Balling my fists at my side, I got ready, put on my game face, a glamorous dress and made my way down to dinner.
***
‘We’re serving a lovely Salmon on sweet potato puree, tonight.’
I forced a smile as the asshole spoke.
I laughed when he told the lamest possible jokes and I feigned interest when he told the most boring stories.
Daniel watched my act in silence. I didn’t need to look at him anymore to know what was going on inside him. I was down to only twenty percent Serum and right now, before the dose, I was completely clean. I still couldn’t locate the hum connecting me to Illarion, but I could feel the pull of the familiar light inside me, constantly battling against my Darkness. My strength was coming back slowly, it was a warm simmer at best, but it was there. Only a few more weeks.
As was the usual practice, I rolled up my sleeve for Daniel and let him administer the dose.
It didn’t take hold like it usually did, I was still me, though hazy, I could still keep tabs on my own thoughts and feelings but his orders still had their effect… I followed him reluctantly through the house, into the back office where he did his “business” and sat down waiting for the next guest I’d be killing.
Just like every other night, it was a man who had done nothing to deserve his fate at the hands of this maniac.
He explained how he was controlling the Agency and how he’s been able to do it for years. I tried my hardest not to knock him out there and then.
But I had to keep this up, for mine and Daniel’s sake.
‘I need you to get into his head and retrieve the last known information about the undercover Sensitives.’
My brain was still hazy, compliant to his wants and desires but now I could hold some of my own ground.
There was no way I would give him all the Sensitives. That would literally be enough for him to destroy all of us and then he’d have access to all the Agencies around the world, and for what? To lead a soldier-less war?
No. He wouldn’t be getting that from me. I swallowed the fear and took the man’s hand in mine.
I focused my eyes on his and without much effort at all I was in his head.
He oversaw all mission guidelines, he briefed us, told us what the mission would entail, what we would need, timings and everything important. He had all this information in a file saved under each agent’s name. I remembered him. He was at the Agency when I first started, he and Josh prepared all our case notes for
the Ritz infiltration.
Quickly, through all the rapidly changing memories I saw it, the file with every single known, undercover mission and agent. I focused on some of the names, mostly ones I knew were already out of the field and capable of protecting themselves, and pushed that information into Dalca’s head.
Satisfied that I had fulfilled my job, he released me and sent me back to my room.
I dropped into my bed, pressing my face into the soft, white pillow.
A groan left my lips, and I did my best to ignore the blood pouring from my nose. The wetness warmed my face reminding me of my mortality and the very real possibility that I wasn’t going to make it out of here alive.
As I closed my eyes and willed sleep to find me, I heard the latch release on my door and heavy, purpose driven footsteps. I clenched my fists at my sides and squeezed my eyes shut.
As a rough and heavy hand landed on my back and drifted under my nightdress, I let the tears fall until there was nothing else before sleep finally took over.
Chapter Seven
Ace
Illarion’s most recent letter kept coming to my mind. The last fifteen days had been torture. I was less focused than before the dose was reduced and I racked my brain trying to work out why. Then I realized, as though it was the only valid reason all along, I was dying.
A short-lived laugh escaped my lips as I sat on the edge of my bed gripping the letter in my hand.
I couldn’t die now. I squeezed the paper trying to feel Illarion through it. There was so little control left in me, so little strength, I wasn’t naïve. I knew what this meant. I knew how much these months had cost me and slowly, reluctantly, my mind wandered to Illarion’s mother. I wasn’t far off, was I?
I bowed my head feeling the relentless pressure on my mind, the Serum was pulling me apart and the heroin was barely holding the shattered pieces together. Only five more days and I’d be free. One way or another.
Daniel stepped through the door like he had every other day, the familiar pouch he carried with him made my heart swell in eager anticipation.
When my eyes swept up to his face, they fell on the fresh cuts and bruises marring his beautiful face.
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