‘You don’t need to explain anything to me-’
‘I do,’ he shot back. ‘I do.’
A shaky sigh broke free.
‘We went inside; she brought me a towel and, God, I was so broken. Ace, I couldn’t think without you, I couldn’t...’ He stopped for a moment and looked up at me, before he could notice the tears staining my cheeks, I swatted them away.
‘Anna was there, she listened, it was different talking to her, Aurel had his own grief… but she was there, for me.’
‘Ila….’
‘It was a mistake, I knew it was, and I was so selfish.’
It took everything inside me to remain quiet and let him gather his words.
‘She put the pieces back together even if it was just for that night. I’m so sorry.’
He dropped his gaze, desperate to avoid eye contact.
My stomach churned as my heart tightened into angry coils. I couldn’t lie and deny that it didn’t hurt. It absolutely shredded me but what I was about to tell him, would probably hurt more.
‘I hurt you,’ he whispered, his voice barely audible.
‘I slept with Daniel,’ I blurted out.
He kind of stopped. Whatever was on the tip of his tongue was silenced.
‘I knew about you and Anna,’ I said quietly. ‘You thought I was dead, that was your reason. What was mine?’
He shook his head, like he didn’t believe what I’d just told him and I couldn’t blame him.
‘I was in a bad place, a lot was wrong, a lot that didn’t make sense to me and Daniel was there, I was selfish. That’s the truth.’
Illarion let out a long breath and rubbed his hand over his face.
‘I know that’s not an excuse and I’m sorry for what I’ve done, for who I am now.’
He opened his mouth to protest, but I stopped him.
‘There’s nothing to say, Ila, we were both in a bad place, we both did what we had to, to survive.’
Without anything more, I forced a smile. ‘I really wanted to get some training in….’
He nodded, understanding right away. He gave me a small nod and then he was gone.
I let out the breath I was holding and bowed my head.
So much for not crying today.
***
A full two hours passed before I gathered enough courage to face the day. I pulled on a pair of sweats and a tank top threading my hair through a baseball cap. I pulled on a pair of sneakers and grabbed my boxing gloves and then made a beeline for the back of the house.
As I neared the door, I stopped abruptly. Anna sat with her back to me reading on the porch. Her cropped red hair was fastened neatly behind her ears with a thick, green ribbon matching her long cardigan.
I contemplated leaving when I saw her, but the briefest moment of confidence found me and I decided against it and moved toward the door. I needed to leave the house, and I needed to get to the gym.
Adjusting my baseball cap, I tightened my hold on my gloves and walked with my head held high.
As I neared the door, I sucked in a breath and pulled the sliding glass open, a moment of panic set in when she turned around and looked up at me.
She shot up, quicker than I was expecting and stood deathly still. Her eyes were a fierce shade of green surrounded by red circles. She’d been crying, endlessly it seemed.
Now up close, I recognized her. She was the woman I saw talking with Donna, the first time I’d visited Josh. Illarion said she worked there, at the Agency. Now, seeing her, I wanted to scoff. Instead, I forced a neutral expression.
She clutched her small book, her knuckles blanching under the pressure as she looked at me. Words eluded her, she looked like she was fighting a blazing battle.
Not giving her the opportunity to say anything I made a move to leave and much to my dismay, she spoke.
‘Agent Hart.’
I stopped, shifting my weight from one leg to the other, anything to alleviate the tension.
‘I really have to go,’ I said, keeping my voice as even as possible.
‘It won’t take long,’ she said, quietly, and I heard her move.
Oh boy.
I turned to face her and pulled my gloves to my chest, much like a child would clutch at their blanket for comfort.
‘I had this conversation in my head a million times before I even knew you’d be here and, every time I did, it was worse than before. The truth is, I don’t know how to say what needs to be said….’
‘Nothing needs to be said.’ I murmured. I had to hand it to her, she had courage.
‘I respect you so much, you’ve no idea, I’ve read all about the work you’ve done, your time in Iraq, Special Forces, you’re a legend.’
‘Thanks for the accolades, but it’s really not necessary-’
‘It is. Trust me, I’ve been losing my mind knowing that you’re here and that, I overstepped my boundary with Illarion….’
My heart constricted hearing her say his name. I let out a long breath and centred myself.
‘Anna.’
‘Please, let me finish, I need to say this.’
Figuring that arguing wouldn’t do anything, I stayed quiet and gave her a curt nod.
‘I care about Illarion, I always have, for years—from when I first handed him his identification badge to now, but I know that his heart belongs to you. I’m not trying to break anything up, you weren’t here, and he was so shattered, losing you destroyed him. I reached out as a friend. You have to believe that I never intended for things to go where they did, I’m not that person.’
Casting my eyes to the trees on the horizon, I held in a long breath and wet my lips.
‘Whatever happened, it’s in the past now,’ I said, as evenly as I could. I still couldn’t shake the image of his hands on her body, imagining him loving her the way he would me. Swallowing hard, I turned back finding her eyes.
‘The way it stands, who I am now, I’m not the same person, and neither is he. Whatever happens from this point onward, doesn’t concern me anymore.’
Before she could say another word, I shook my head, stopping the words on the top of her tongue.
‘Whatever you need to say, I don’t want to hear it. I have to go. Nice meeting you.’
As I walked away from her, I heard a sob leave her lips. I’d never intended to be a bitch, but the truth was, anger coursed through me whether I wanted to admit it or not.
***
Illarion
As I neared the house in search of Ace, I was stopped abruptly by the sight of Anna who was sitting on the porch with her head resting on her knees.
Letting out a sigh. I scrubbed my chin and walked over to her.
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked, sitting down beside her, keeping a few feet between us.
‘Nothing.’ She breathed, keeping her eyes down and away from me.
‘Anna?’ I encouraged, pressing a soothing hand to her shoulder.
A few moments later, she looked up, her red eyes wide and brimming with tears.
‘I spoke with Ace.’
My heart sped up, and a short breath caught on my lips.
‘She hates me, Illarion, a lot,’ she said, through shaky breaths.
‘She doesn’t hate you.’ I tried to reassure her. ‘Honestly, Ace has been through a lot, she didn’t mean it.’
‘She didn’t say anything bad, at all, that’s the issue.’
Scrubbing my jaw, I looked down at her. ‘I don’t understand.’
She laughed. ‘You wouldn’t, would you?’
‘I’m sorry,’ I shook my head. ‘You’re going to have to help me out here.’
‘She didn’t say anything because she’s too good to say anything, she’s too strong, but I can see it in her eyes. Illarion, she’s angry, and she’s hurt. I would be too.’
I bowed my head letting out a breath. Of course Ace wouldn’t say anything. She’d never openly admit to anything hurting her, let alone confront someone else.
‘I
t was a mistake,’ I said, knowing immediately how much it hurt Anna.
She nodded, wiping her tears. ‘It was, but to me it didn’t feel like that….’
‘I’m so sorry.’
Her face haunted me, but I was selfish like Ace claimed to be. All I cared about, as horrible as it was, was Ace. I cared about fixing things with her, as much as hearing what she’d told me, hurt, I needed to fix things. I couldn’t let her go. It would take time; I was ready to wait as long as I had to.
***
Ace
I slammed one fist in to the bag and then the other, over and over until I couldn’t feel my arms anymore and then I moved to kicking.
Throwing all my strength into the sidekick, I watched with satisfaction as the bag swung back, nearly coming off the hook.
Before it came back down, I switched positions and aimed, ready for the next kick. Again and again until the skin on my bare feet turned red.
The pain in my body wouldn’t slow me down. I kicked and punched harder and harder with each blow until I felt the skin around my knuckles tear. Only then did I stop, and that was only because I realized I’d been bleeding. When I bought my hands up, and the blood seeped through the gloves, I realized it was probably time to stop.
‘Ace.’
I hung my shoulders, letting out a sigh as Illarion’s voice boomed through the gym.
Could I really not get any time alone today?
As he neared, I turned toward him, biting the strap of one of the gloves, unfastening the Velcro. As that glove came off, I moved to the next one, aware that Illarion’s eyes fell to the blood at my feet.
‘Jesus, Ace,’ he hissed, moving toward me.
‘What are you doing here?’ I asked, moving toward the basin and away from him.
‘Ace, stop.’ He turned me and I couldn’t help the flare of anger that coursed through me when I snatched my arm back.
He stepped back, holding his hands up. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Please, just leave,’ I murmured, looking down and away from his eyes.
‘Look at me.’ He murmured, his hand fell to my wrist, and when I didn’t pull back, he slowly turned my hand in his. I heard him inhale sharply as he looked at the skin on the other hand.
Hating the way his touch always undid me, I pulled back.
‘It’ll heal, you know that.’
‘You’re being destructive,’ he said, softly, moving toward me again.
Damn it, the proximity was suffocating.
‘What do you want?’ I ignored whatever he’d just said and risked looking up into his eyes.
The concern and angst in them, undid me. I felt my resolve weaken as he wrapped my hand in a wet towel.
‘Let me take a look at your hands.’ He spoke quietly, keeping his eyes locked with mine. He was holding his power over me, I could have fought it. I was strong enough but something inside me refused. Maybe this illusion was what I needed. Maybe it made this feel real.
Conceding, I nodded.
He led me to the bench and sat me down, returning a moment later with a fresh towel, a bucket of water, and some ointment.
‘How can you even want to be here?’
He didn’t answer me, not straight away at least. He remained quiet for a few moments and then looked up at me.
‘I won’t lie and say I’m not hurt.’ He swallowed hard and returned his attention to my hand. ‘And I can’t begin to imagine what went on in that house; I can understand needing to feel human, in any way possible.’
The more he spoke, the more I felt humiliated.
He stopped what he was doing and looked up at me.
‘Do you care about him?’
His gaze intensified, searching my eyes, and I had to look away.
‘Because I can… I understand…’
‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘Not like that.’
‘Okay.’
He returned his gaze to the bandage he was applying and continued working in silence.
‘You didn’t come here to fix my hands,’ I muttered, turning my attention to the equipment in the gym.
‘No, I came to talk to you, about something.’
He squeezed some cold cream onto my hand and gently massaged it onto my skin before tentatively bandaging it. As he moved onto my other hand, he looked up at me.
‘Anna told me she spoke with you.’
So that’s what this was about. I cringed. Was he seriously about to give me a lecture on not being a bitch?
Getting ready to argue, he stopped me with a gentle squeeze to my thigh.
‘She said she knows you’re hurting, and that you didn’t say anything to her and I know you’d never say anything to me.’
I swallowed hard and wet my lips.
‘Why won’t you talk to me?’ His voice broke as he spoke; his words were full of pleading and sincerity.
‘What am I meant to say, Illarion?’ I asked, struck by the way my voice shook.
He bowed his head for a moment as he finished bandaging my other hand.
‘The truth, Ace,’ he said, bringing his eyes back to mine. ‘Please.’
For a moment, we sat in silence, my hands in my lap and his eyes seeing right into my soul until I couldn’t take it anymore. I got up, pushing past him, and walked toward the door.
‘Don’t…’ His voice caught me. ‘Don’t go.’
Dropping my hand, I stopped.
That moment cost me. Before I could move, he was behind me, towering over me, his proximity stealing my breath. What should have set my nerves on edge instead made my heart race.
I turned.
His hands gently circled my wrists and then his eyes found mine.
He was seeking permission to be close, to touch me, to be near me.
When he looked at me like that, I couldn’t think straight, I closed my eyes, composing myself.
He knew that I wasn’t afraid of him, of being close but he still wanted to be sure I was comfortable and that was exactly why we could never be where we were. Because when he looked at me, he would always see that fear in my eyes, and I, well I would always be that victim who’d been through too much.
When I opened my eyes, his were filled with apprehension and fear.
‘I don’t know where to start.’ I laughed, nervously, shaking my head.
‘I hurt you,’ he began, dropping my hands from his. ‘For that, I can never apologize enough.’
‘We hurt each other,’ I corrected.
My voice shook, and I was painfully aware of the way his eyes filled with tears, much like my own.
‘When I read about Anna, God.’ I sucked in a sharp breath and looked away momentarily, hoping I’d find some semblance of strength. ‘It broke me.’
Illarion’s eyes darkened, and he rubbed his hand across his mouth.
‘I know I have no right to say that, but, I can’t pretend it didn’t.’
Illarion nodded.
‘I… I held on to hope, it’s all that got me through the nights when the Serum wore off but, after that night...’
The words burned like acid as I spoke them. Illarion stood in front of me, deathly still and in that moment, I think he kind of got it. The nights he wrote about me giving up, yeah, they were rough.
‘You were my salvation, Illarion, I saw your eyes when I closed mine. I felt your touch when I was screaming to stop feeling his and when it was over, I imagined that you were holding me, not Daniel who was there to pick up the pieces when I couldn’t stand anymore. But after some time, I wanted it to be Daniel. I wanted to know that someone was taking care of me.’
Tears slipped from his eyes, falling over his cheeks as he opened and then closed his mouth. Pain flowed through him. I shouldn’t have said any of the things I did. I shouldn’t have let him feel the pain but something inside me felt like he needed to feel it. And I felt incredibly selfish for feeling relieved when his heart raced with hurt.
‘Is that what you needed to hear?’ My voice broke. ‘I don’t hate
you or her, or what happened but I can’t say that I’m okay with it because, in all honesty, Illarion, I don’t know how to move past this. I don’t know that we can. We both screwed up this time.’
He opened his mouth again but nothing came out. I reached up and cupped his cheek. ‘I forgive you, Illarion, and I hope that someday, you can forgive me. But we can’t do this, I can’t. What we had, what we were—that’s in the past.’
Not giving him a chance to speak, I turned from him and pulled the door open.
Swallowing the pain, I left.
Chapter Fifteen
Ace
I looked down at my hands as I washed the blood from my knuckles. Daniel came and spent some time with me, chatting about nothing in particular. It was a welcome change. I thanked him profusely when he brought me food. We laughed and talked, taking time to just relax. He didn’t bring anything up about Illarion or what happened between us. We’d both been through hell, on different levels but shit, nonetheless. A couple of hours later he excused himself and I was left to mull over the events of the day.
A long breath left my lips, as I got up from my bed, getting ready to take a shower. A tap on the door drew my attention.
‘Ace, it’s me,’ Aurel’s voice carried through the door. ‘Can I come in?’
‘Sure.’ I got up, pulling the door open.
‘Want to go for a walk?’
I smiled. ‘Absolutely.’
The sun was low on the horizon as we stepped out into the warm night; he led me toward the garden, keeping the conversation light.
‘I heard you met Anna.’
‘Yeah, you heard right.’
‘How did that go?’
‘As good as it could have.’ I sighed.
We reached the benches and sat down.
‘Where is she?’
He shrugged, looking back at the house.
‘Illarion asked her to consider spending less time here.’
‘How’d she take that?’
‘She gets it.’
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