He nodded rubbing a soothing hand on my knee. ‘You didn’t have any control, you only did what he made you do.’
He was right, but it didn’t make it any easier.
‘Do you know what he wanted with that information?’
Shaking my head, I looked up into his eyes.
‘No, he only told me what I needed to know.’
‘I bet he did, he’s not an idiot.’ He shook his head and gently squeezed my knee.
‘Who was next?’
‘Alexander Maximos.’ I took another breath. ‘He was from the weapons team; I think he was field trained too.’
‘What did he want with Alexander?’ Illarion’s voice was gentle, but I heard the pain in it.
He had known Alexander. God. How many of the others did he know?
‘He wanted to know what our weapons team had been working on and what we geared up with in the field.’
Illarion ran a hand through his hair. ‘What else?’
‘He asked about lockdown protocols.’
Illarion’s eyes widened.
‘I honestly don’t know what I told him, Ila. I could have handed him everything.’
He shook his head. ‘Not likely, four people in the Agency know who has the lockdown protocols.’
‘Couldn’t one person burn the other three?’
‘No.’ He shook his head again. ‘One person knows the identity of one other, and so on and so forth. No one would know all four.’
‘Oh.’
‘It’s bad, but it’s not the worst outcome. The lockdown is safe.’
‘You should’ve left me in the desert.’
He leaned in and pressed a hand to my cheek, drawing my face up to his.
‘Don’t say that.’
‘All those agents are dead not to mention how many more are in danger because of me.’
‘They’re trained to deal with these possibilities; they’re trained to expect the worst, Ace, but I can’t deal with you being dead.’
‘I watched them all die.’
A soft, gentle hand on my cheek brought my attention back to him.
‘You had no choice, he would have killed you.’
Turning away from him, I wet my lips. He was right, I had no choice, but it wasn’t because he would have killed me.
‘Hey,’ he murmured, lifting my chin up again. ‘Don’t do this to yourself.’
‘He knew who you were. What you mean to me.’
Understanding stunned him into silence. His brows creased as his lashes lowered and a line in his jaw tensed.
‘That’s why you didn’t fight back.’
It wasn’t a question. ‘I couldn’t risk it.’
In a dizzying rush he was up, a furious rage boiling inside him.
‘God Damn it Ace, why would you put yourself through that?’
Shaking my head, I took a deep breath and then let it out again.
‘What kind of question is that, Illarion?’
‘My life is not worth more than yours.’
‘It is to me,’ I said, quietly.
‘You shouldn’t have done that.’
‘I had Vanessa check on you.’
His shoulders tensed and he turned to me slightly.
‘I asked Daniel to get me some information; I couldn’t risk Vanessa telling you, I couldn’t risk you knowing about me. Dalca had eyes everywhere.’
Slowly, he sat back down taking my hands into his.
‘I feel it in you, you’re ashamed, talking to me,’ he shook his head as though he couldn’t believe why such thoughts were on my mind. ‘You have nothing to be ashamed about. Especially not with me.’
A harsh, humourless laugh escaped before I could stop it and I folded my arms across my chest.
‘There’s a lot I’m ashamed of, believe me, Ila, if I could articulate even half of it in words, you’d think differently.’
‘Nothing can change the way I think of you,’ he said simply, his voice firm yet hardly above a whisper.
‘Your words are kind, but premature.’ I shook my head and pressed my hand over his cheek.
‘Let me be the judge of that.’
And so, I continued, I told him about each Sensitive. One after the other, about all the information I’d gotten for Dalca, and all the gifts I’d collected at least the things I’d remembered.
All while I spoke, I couldn’t ignore how hurt he was. I never wanted him to know, especially not that. He would never forgive himself.
He listened quietly, never interrupting me, only pressing a comforting hand to my mine when I stumbled on my words, or wiping a stray tear with his thumb as all the memories solidified in my mind.
Talking about it made it real. It meant admitting what I had done, openly acknowledging my involvement in all those deaths. I bowed my head pressing my fingertips to my temple.
He gently swept my hair off my shoulders letting his fingers graze my skin.
‘You’re so strong.’ His words were heavy and full of emotion and they set my soul on fire, feeling the care running through him into me.
He never let me feel like I was less than him, not even when he was nursing my sorry ass back to health. He was so good like that. He made me feel loved and cared for, but he always made me feel like his equal.
‘What else do you need to know?’ I swallowed and found his eyes again.
‘We don’t have to continue.’
‘We do, it’s fine. I’ll be alright.’
He nodded. Remaining close to me, things like that were what separated him from the rest. A small smile came to my lips.
‘Tell me about the people he brought over, who were they?’
Pain filled his voice as he asked the second question. Somehow, I knew he was saving the best for last.
I sucked in a deep breath and told him.
‘His friends, investors, they were others that wanted to see what I could do.’
A muscle worked in his jaw as he lowered his hand to mine. I felt the tremble in his fingertips as he tried to hold it together as much as possible. I had to hand it to him, he had an insane amount of self-control.
He saw that there were things I was hiding and as much as he tried to break through my shield, he never would.
When I quietened for a moment, he swept his hand across my cheek, bringing my eyes up to his.
‘Did they ask you to collect other Sensitives?’
I shook my head.
‘They just wanted to watch, but...’
‘But?’
‘I feel like there’s more…something I’m missing.’
‘You don’t remember?’
I shook my head. What did I make myself forget?
His hands tensed around mine as he drew in a shaky breath.
‘What did they want?’
I looked up into his eyes and blinked back the oncoming tears.
‘They wanted to see how long I could hold out, before… well before he broke me. They wanted to know how much I had in me, how much they could push me.’
He turned away from me, stifling a chain of expletives I knew were on the tip of his tongue. I’d seen that look before, he was livid. Almost at the point of bursting at the seams, the Darkness was strong inside him much like it was inside me.
‘I held out as long as I could, but I caved, Ila, I couldn’t do it anymore.’
He pushed back the chair and knelt in front of me, taking my face in his hands.
‘You did what you could, and you did well, Ace. You fought with everything inside you.’
‘I wasn’t strong enough. I wanted to die. What does that say about me?’
He lowered his hands to mine. ‘You survived because you’re strong.’
His words brought forth tears I was working so hard on holding in, I was sick of crying and dredging up all these memories. But most of all, I was sick of feeling weak.
There was a wrenching feeling deep inside me, a fear and pain that felt so real I had no way of distinguishing it from my me
mories. What if I never got over this? What if I was never normal again?
‘I promise you, you won’t feel like this forever.’
My heart fell.
‘That’s enough for today.’
‘No, you need this information.’ I shook my head straightening up in my seat. I took the coffee cup from the table and cradled it in my hand like a lifeline.
‘Ace.’
‘I’m the same as any other witness. You need the information, and I have it. Ask your questions.’
‘It can wait.’
‘This is time sensitive, you know I’m right. I can handle it.’
He scrubbed his face impatiently. ‘You shouldn’t have to handle it. I’m making you dredge everything up, it’s too soon.’
‘The sooner it’s done, the sooner it’s over.’
He nodded expelling a breath carrying with it a misleading, false sense of calmness. I knew in that moment that if he was ever to face the Taker, he wouldn’t hesitate in ripping him in half. He would torture and kill the bastard without as much as a second thought.
It chilled me to the core. The violence I knew he was capable of and that he wouldn’t hesitate.
‘What else do you need to know?’
He bowed his head, somehow, his eyes managed to convey so much more emotion than I ever imagined was possible in a mere look.
‘Tell me about him.’
His third and final question.
I swallowed blinking back the haze that had formed in my eyes and averted my gaze from him.
‘He likes women,’ I began, hating that my voice shook as I spoke, that he had done this to me. ‘He’s cruel, and he’s smart. He’s wealthy and well-connected. He’s a Divine like me, so he’s hard to kill. He knows how to use his power; he’s completely evolved and much stronger than me.’
Shock widened his eyes.
‘Yeah.’ I nodded, looking down at the space between our hands. ‘He told me, on one of the first nights I was there. Kind of figured I was screwed right away.’
When I looked back at Illarion and saw the steely resolve in the lines of his face, my heart sunk as my stomach coiled into tight knots.
‘He enjoyed the power over me, not because it was easy to get, but because he knew that without the Serum he’d have no chance. He enjoyed knowing that.’
His brown eyes darkened as his lashes lowered, brushing his cheeks.
I bit down, chewing on the inside of my lip.
‘He wanted me to know that if I tried anything, if I tried to escape, he’d find…’ I couldn’t bring myself to say it. ‘He knew I wouldn’t do anything.’
‘Jesus, Ace…’ His words were a barely spoken whisper.
He drew his hand back and balled his fists at his sides as he rose.
I moved to follow, but he held his hand out, stopping me in my place.
A tired breath left his lips before he turned back to me, rubbing his face.
‘How did you fight off the Serum?’ he asked, changing the subject.
‘Something to do with my DNA.’ I shrugged. ‘I don’t really know. It was the same in Iraq.’
‘When you were captured?’
Nodding, I folded my hands in my lap. ‘Grimes used a concoction he’d made and I’m pretty sure it was the prototype for the Serum.’
Illarion mused for a moment and then nodded.
‘It makes sense, the records are sketchy at best about its origin.’
‘Daniel told me they’re just rumours. But Dalca basically confirmed it.’
‘Christ.’ He shook his head.
He was back to kicking himself over what happened to me. This time I didn’t let him stop me, I got up and moved toward him.
‘I shouldn’t have said anything,’ I murmured, moving closer. ‘I never wanted to tell you.’
He shook his head slowly turning back to face me. A heartbeat passed between us before he stepped forward, tipping my chin up with his fingers.
Wanting nothing more than to take the guilt that he carried, away, I reached up and looped my arm around his neck.
He shook his head, cupping my cheek. ‘I didn’t get to you in time.’
He was on the verge of losing his composure, which was so unlike him. I brushed my thumb across the rough stubble on his cheeks and pressed a kiss to his lips. ‘What other information do you need?’
Shaking his head, he wrapped me in a strong, powerful embrace that felt so good.
‘No more, not today.’
‘What about the other men?’
‘What about them?’
‘I need to know what happened to me.’
There was a moment of silence, and then he spoke.
‘Can you see their faces at all? When you think back?’
As his hands settled on my knees and that same concerned expression I’d come to know so well, settled on my face, I inhaled deeply and looked down at the space between our feet.
‘No, nothing.’
‘Is there anything distinctive you can remember?’
‘About them?’
He nodded. ‘Anything; tattoos, scars?’
Thinking back, I came up empty.
His gaze dropped from mine for a moment before he brought his eyes back to me.
‘I can try to look through your repressed memories. Maybe I can catch a glimpse.’
Suddenly overwhelmed, I found myself shaking my head before I could stop. What would he see in there? There was a reason I’d repressed them, right? His soft hand over mine brought my eyes back up.
‘They need to be held accountable.’
‘Do it.’
His eyes locked onto mine and he gave me a quick smile.
‘I’ll be in and out before you know it.’
I sucked a deep breath into my lungs and gave him my hands.
‘Close your eyes and listen to my voice.’
Nodding, I did as he said, preparing myself. I waited. Nothing. Silence on my end, silence on his, I couldn’t feel him inside my mind.
A few minutes later, his hold loosened, and I opened my eyes, meeting his.
‘What’s wrong?’
He stayed quiet for a moment before shaking his head. ‘I can’t do it.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘There’s nothing there.’
‘There has to be.’
‘You’ve pushed it all too far into your mind, I can’t reach it.’
My shoulders sagged in defeat.
‘We need the information, Ila. I need it. I have to know what they did.’ My voice fell flat, like I was terrified of the notion, yet somehow, so desperate for it.
‘I’ll start running through a back list of employees, known associates, anyone who ran in his circle.’
‘That’ll take too long.’
‘I’ll get Josh on it too.’
‘No.’
‘Ace.’
‘There’s another way,’ I said firmly.
He saw through the words he didn’t want to hear. He shook his head, taking my hand in his.
‘You know I’m right.’
‘Going that far, into those memories, Ace I’m afraid I’ll hurt you.’
‘You won’t.’ I forced a tight smile.
He sat quietly, taking in my suggestion before finally nodding.
‘The only way this happens is with complete trust.’
‘I trust you.’
‘I know.’ He sighed, ‘but I need to trust you, too.’
‘I’m not following.’
‘You’ve heard of safe words?’
My lips quirked up into a smile. ‘Like in BDSM?’
A glint in his eyes told me his mind raced straight there too.
‘We can definitely explore that if you like, but for tonight’s purpose, I’m not referring to that.’
‘Oh?’ I smirked.
‘Like I said,’ he leaned across and brushed his lips over my ear, ‘We’ll definitely get into that one night. But not now.’
My cheeks
flushed and the heat inside me grew.
When he looked at me like that, my skin instantly warmed and everything inside me became a jumbled mess.
‘What I meant by a safe word, for this, is that when I’m in your memories, I need you to promise me you’ll call it, when it gets too much.’
‘I’ll be okay.’ Though, the realer it got, the more my nerves told me that I did not want Illarion seeing what I knew was probably going to be in those memories.
‘I need to know that you’re going to stop me.’
‘Ila, I’ll be fine.’
‘I want your word Ace, your safe word. Say it now.’
‘Arrow.’
He nodded. ‘Arrow. I won’t be able to pull you out myself, you have to say it.’
‘Got it. I promise.’
‘I don’t like this.’
‘Neither do I, but we need this information.’
‘Do not push yourself.’ His voice took on a desperate edge. ‘Swear to me.’
‘Ila.’ A million things were on my mind, but instead, I just squeezed his hand. ‘I can do this.’
He rubbed his eyes and turned back to face me, taking my hands. ‘I need you take a deep breath and close your eyes. Focus on everything here. Focus on my voice, the way my hands feel on yours, the smells, the sounds around you. Keep yourself grounded.’
‘I’m ready.’
Without warning, my mind was jolted, it was happening.
His thoughts were inside me, completely flooding every memory, every hidden thought I’d ever had and tears filled my eyes. He was moving rapidly, tearing apart every wall I’d somehow built up, knocking down every barrier that had kept me safe.
His grip on me tightened and my chest constricted.
Suddenly, they weren’t his hands holding me and I wasn’t in his house. I was back in Dalca’s office, back on the desk, pushed into the paperwork on his table, held down by three of his friends and that memory I’d repressed—well here it was.
‘Ace?’ Illarion’s voice broke through the haze in my mind.
My body was shaking with fear, the pain was unbearable and I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe and they were so rough.
Everything around me was a blur, and all I heard with certain clarity was Dalca. His voice was right in my ear, his hot breath was too close to my mouth. God, everything was too much.
There were hands, everywhere, so many, so rough.
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