L.A. Success

by Lonnie Raines

  Grant got out and grabbed the sloth with one hand. It was stuck on there good, so he put his free hand down on the hood for support. He started pulling again, but then let go of the sloth, grabbed the arm that was touching the hood and pulled it out of the tar he had accidentally ended up in. His left palm was speckled with black. He walked over to the lawn and tried to wipe it off, but ended up with blades of grass stuck to his hand. After a new round of swearing, he walked back over to the slothmobile, got in, and, holding his left hand up to avoid spreading any tar, drove off, his car veering off to the right every time he let go of the wheel to shift.

  38

  I went downstairs, sat down with my dad and tried to figure out how to use my new, complicated phone. It had a miniature keyboard and a touch screen, and occasionally, when I said something to my dad, it would light up and start calling people. I had to be careful what I said while this thing was turned on. After about thirty minutes of fiddling with it, I found the repertory and started going through it. There were hundreds of names listed, and every one of them had several pages of notes. There were birthdays, addresses and telephone numbers, but also personal notes like “hates the Angels,” “sleeping with Juanita from art design,” and “loosens up after a margarita—must be on the rocks with salt.” I found my name, and along with my number it said “possible blackmailer or stalker.” The biggest annoyance was that I couldn’t find Spieldburt’s number anywhere. Maybe Grant had hidden it under another name in case he ever lost his phone, but there was no way I was going to call every person listed in order to check.

  I was having trouble digesting the fact that I was once again going to have to call Grant to get in contact with his boss. I knew Grant would have to talk to me, since in the end he had to do what his boss wanted, but he could make life difficult and say crap that I wouldn’t be able to forget any time soon. What a drag.

  I was so annoyed at my practical joke having backfired that, for the first time in months, I really felt like having a beer to calm down. I hadn’t stocked Dennis’ fridge since I knew my dad wouldn’t cook anyway, but I was hoping Dennis had left a Budweiser or two. I walked over to the kitchen and was about to open the fridge when the home phone rang. I walked quickly back to the living room and answered it.

  “Hello,” I said.

  “Hi Lonnie,” said a very depressed Dennis. “How are things at mi casa?” Things were actually getting a little disgusting because I hadn’t straightened up in a while. It also looked like my dad had been putting his food down on the couch while he made his chess moves.

  “Everything’s great here. I’m really—” I said, and then I stood dead still because all of a sudden it felt like I was standing on Jell-O. I heard the picture frames rattle softly against the walls and the frame of the house creak slightly. Even though the quake only lasted a few seconds, I was so zoned in on it, waiting to see if it was going to get stronger or fade into nothing, that it felt like time had stopped for an instant.

  “Lonnie? Lonnie?” said Dennis.

  “A quake just hit. It felt like a four.”

  “You’re making me homesick. I swear, a big truck passes in the street below my apartment here, and for a minute I think I’m back home. Funny, the things you miss.”

  “Don’t worry. Everything will still be shaking when you get back.”

  “That’s what I called about. I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to stay here.”

  “What? Why?”

  “I came here to get away from it all and relax, but also to have a good week every month with Ignacio, you know—to finally be with him without worrying about him having to run back to his wife every night.”

  “So now that you’re not sneaking around it’s not exciting anymore?” I asked.

  “He hasn’t spent the night here once since I arrived! He keeps telling me there’s a big business deal going down in Barcelona, so the little time he’s actually been in Spain he spends there. He’s only come out here a few times to spend the day.”

  “Hey, he’s still putting you up in paradise, right?” I asked, hoping to make him see the positive so he wouldn’t come back any time soon.

  “That’s what he keeps telling me, but I’ve got a bad feeling. He seems on edge all the time. Last time he was here, we were holding hands talking, and it was like he was somewhere else. He went all quiet and started squeezing my hand so hard. He says he was thinking about work, but I’ve never seen him like that before.”

  “I’m sure it’s nothing. The guy brought you out to the most amazing place, away from all the troubles of the world. Cut him some slack. He’s got to pay for all that somehow,” I said, but it sounded like something I’d say to cover for a buddy who was getting with the extramarital doing.

  “Thanks Lonnie. I’m sure you’re right. But…maybe you could just look into one thing for me. I’ll add a little extra to your next check for it. Could you check out an address?”

  “Sure, but what exactly do you want me to do?”

  “Ignacio has an apartment over in West Hollywood. His former boyfriend—the one he broke up with to be with me—used to live there. I want you to see if the place is empty or not. If you see anyone there, tell me what he looks like. I’ll call you again in a few days. Will that be enough time?”

  “Yeah, sure,” I said. “What’s the address?”

  Dennis rattled off an address that I already knew—the one that had been on Ballsack’s old tag. I repeated it back to him as if I were making sure I had written it down correctly. I could have told him that he had nothing to worry about, that a little girl lived there now with her dad, but then I wouldn’t have gotten any more money.

  “Okay,” I said. “I’ll take care of that.” I hung up the phone like the characters in my screenplay do and began picking up some trash in the living room. I didn’t feel the need to have a beer anymore because the idea of getting more money had calmed me down. I was glad about that. Then the phone rang again.

  “Hello,” I said.

  “We got cut off,” said Dennis.

  “Oh.” Apparently Dennis hadn’t thought the conversation was over. It was harder than I had imagined to come to a tacit, mutual agreement on the subject. “So, uh…anything else?”

  “No, that’s it.”

  “Okay. Bye?”

  “Talk to you later,” he said, but didn’t hang up. I wanted to make sure it was really over this time so he wouldn’t call back again.

  “Bye?” I asked.

  “Do you need to say something else? It sounds like you’re not sure you want to hang up.”

  “No, that’s it. Okay. Goodbye,” I said as monotone as possible.

  “Goodbye,” he said and hung up. I started to say goodbye one more time into the phone, stopped myself and hung up.

  Part 3

  1

  Spieldburt had refused to deal with me again, and that meant I had to stop stalling. If he wanted to know the hard truth before giving me a dime, then fine, I’d give it to him. I was tempted just to take some photos of Gertie with Tommy, but I didn’t know exactly how much Grant knew about the situation. If I stopped giving my reports to Spieldburt via the screenplay and his entourage found out about his personal life, he might get angry and use it as a pretext not to pay me. So after a few more days of working with Gertie, I sat down with my screenwriting buddies, got wicked caffed up, and scribbled out the very last installment, the one that was going to answer all the questions.

  SUPPLEMENTARY TERRIAN DWELLER

  Act 3

  By Lonnie Herisson

  INT. LONNIE’S BEDROOM - MORNING

  LONNIE, fully clothed, is sleeping on his bed. His light snoring is interrupted by a series of deep snores that wake him up.

  LONNIE HERISSON

  (Disoriented)

  What? Oh no! I fell asleep waiting to see if Gertie was going to do my roommate! Maybe she’s still here.

  LONNIE grabs the weird gun, sneakily opens his bedroom door and takes a peek.
The coast is clear.

  INT. LONNIE’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

  LONNIE tiptoes over to TOMMY’s door. He slowly turns the knob and pushes the door open. TOMMY is in bed alone. LONNIE shuts the door and steps away.

  LONNIE

  Damn! If she did him and I missed it, the Dweller could already be in my house! I’ll have to be careful.

  INT. LONNIE’S LIVING ROOM - LATER

  It is later in the morning. LONNIE sits on the couch, tapping his foot. He is staring at his new phone.

  LONNIE HERISSON

  Why isn’t she calling me? It’s time to go to work.

  LONNIE looks at the clock and then again at the phone. An expression of “duh” comes over his face.

  LONNIE HERISSON

  I forgot to give Gertie my new number!

  LONNIE grabs a box of spy supplies and runs out the front door.

  INT. GERTIE’S OFFICE - LATER

  ELLEN sits at the desk doing her nails. LONNIE enters the office hurriedly.

  LONNIE HERISSON

  Ellen! Where’s Gertie? I forgot to give her my new number.

  ELLEN

  She said she was going over to the Powell’s to close the deal.

  LONNIE HERISSON

  What deal? Brandi doesn’t want to sell the house.

  ELLEN

  Gertie can be very persuasive with young wives. I’ve seen it happen many times already. But don’t worry. I don’t think she needs you on this one.

  LONNIE HERISSON

  But I’m supposed to be learning here…I gotta run. Maybe I can catch her.

  LONNIE streaks out of the office.

  EXT. SWANKY BEVERLY HILLS HOUSE ON COMSTOCK AVENUE - LATER

  LONNIE parks the Charger far away from the house and, with binoculars and parabolic microphone in hand, sneaks up to the yard. Gertie’s yellow Eldorado is in the driveway. Female voices are heard coming from the backyard. LONNIE sneaks around back, hides behind the fence, and spies on BRANDI POWELL and GERTIE, who are holding margaritas.

  BRANDI POWELL

  Are you sure you want to drink so early in the day?

  GERTIE ELLIOT

  I think you’re going to need it, cutie. Cheers.

  GERTIE and BRANDI clink glasses and take a sip.

  GERTIE ELLIOT (CONT’D)

  There’s no easy way to say this, but I’m going to try to be as sensitive as I can. Your husband fucked me like a dirty Thai whore. On your mattress. He licked me places that just aren’t right.

  BRANDI’s expression conveys despair.

  BRANDI POWELL

  (Eyes tearing)

  Are you…in love? Is he going to leave me? Oh god, no. I signed a prenup!

  GERTIE ELLIOT

  No, honey. We don’t love each other. His heart will always belong to you. He just gave me everything else, many times, in some very disturbing ways. Please don’t hate me for this. I was powerless to stop his advances.

  BRANDI breaks down and starts crying. GERTIE comforts her and takes her in her arms.

  BRANDI POWELL

  Oh God! Why couldn’t I be enough for him? It’s bad enough that all my friends make fun of me for marrying an old man. Now they’ll think I couldn’t even satisfy him!

  GERTIE ELLIOT

  It’s not a question of being enough for someone. Don’t feel bad, Brandi.

  BRANDI POWELL

  Well what is it a question of? Why did he do this? You’re…so old!

  GERTIE ELLIOT

  Let me try to help you understand. You know how men always want to sleep with foreign women? It’s because they find them exotic and new. Well, an old man goes after young tail like you for a number of obvious reasons. Those who succeed are thrilled, and usually rich. But after the years go by, all the old women have become foreign to them. They forget what it was like to be with us, so they start dreaming about cheating on their young, perky, talkative wives with old, saggy and silent.

  BRANDI begins to cry again.

  BRANDI POWELL

  (Choking out her words)

  But what do I do now?

  GERTIE ELLIOT

  Pretty much what you were doing before—wait for him to croak. You leave now, you get nothing, and that would be the real tragedy here.

  BRANDI POWELL

  I guess I will be able to live with this after some time has gone by. I do have the best house in the world. I’ll have to move our bedroom to a different room, of course, but as time—

  GERTIE ELLIOT

  (Interrupting)

  That won’t work. There’s not a room in this place I haven’t defiled. And anyway, you’re thinking too small. You’re the victim in this. You need to make him pay. You sell this place as fast as possible and get an even bigger house—one that all your friends will see as an appropriate apology. What are you going to do, continue to live here and have your friends think you have no control over Jefferson?

  A spark of relief appears on BRANDI’s face.

  BRANDI POWELL

  You’re right. If I don’t get a bigger house, I’ll be a joke. Everyone will treat me like a pathetic little girl.

  GERTIE ELLIOT

  Now that’s the spirit!

  GERTIE hugs BRANDI. GERTIE’s hand comes to rest on BRANDI’s very large left breast.

  GERTIE ELLIOT (CONT’D)

  I’ll take you out to some amazing houses in Malibu this week. Don’t let Jefferson talk you into going with another realtor. He knows I have the most expensive listings.

  GERTIE notices that her hand is on BRANDI’s breast. She pulls it away quickly.

  GERTIE ELLIOT (CONT’D)

  Oh! Sorry about that. I thought I was touching your arm.

  BRANDI POWELL

  What?

  GERTIE ELLIOT

  My hand was on your breast, on accident.

  BRANDI POWELL

  After the fourth enlargement I lost all feeling. It works out better for the most part, except sometimes, when I’m blindfolded, I don’t start moaning at the right times.

  GERTIE ELLIOT

  You’re a special woman, Brandi. Don’t forget that.

  GERTIE and BRANDI stand up and hug. They turn and start walking toward the house. LONNIE runs back to the Charger and gets in. GERTIE comes out the front door, makes the “call me” sign to BRANDI, and takes off in the Eldorado. LONNIE follows.

  INT./EXT. WILSHIRE BOULEVARD - MOMENTS LATER

  LONNIE is driving behind GERTIE. He takes out his phone and dials her number. She answers.

  GERTIE ELLIOT

  (Professional voice)

  This is Gertie Elliot, the west side’s top agent. How may I help you?

  LONNIE HERISSON

  Hey Gertie, it’s me—Lonnie.

  GERTIE ELLIOT

  Why does your phone say Grant?

  LONNIE HERISSON

  Long story. I’ll get it changed soon. Hey, I’m right behind you. Sorry I’m late.

  GERTIE turns around to look behind her. Her car swerves into oncoming traffic. After several near misses and a barrage of honking, she darts back into the correct lane.

  GERTIE ELLIOT

  Scared the hell out of me there. Jesus, I need a smoke.

  GERTIE holds the cell phone between her shoulder and ear, steers with her knees, takes out a cigarette and lights it.

  LONNIE HERISSON

  So what’s on the agenda now?

  GERTIE ELLIOT

  I have to go have a talk with Jefferson Powell. I’ve got good news: we’re going to get to sell his house after all.

  LONNIE HERISSON

  Great! Do you need me to come with you?

  GERTIE ELLIOT

  No, I’ll handle this on my own. There’s nothing for you to do yet. Hey, why don’t you go see if Tommy is in the mood to celebrate with us tonight? We’ll let him buy us dinner.

  LONNIE HERISSON

  Okay. See you later.

  LONNIE and GERTIE hang up.

  INT. PINK TACO RESTAURANT IN CENTURY
CITY - NIGHT

  LONNIE, TOMMY and GERTIE are finishing their meals. A waitress comes by and picks up a slew of empty margarita glasses.

  GERTIE ELLIOT

  (Clearly drunk)

  Oh man, those margaritas were amazing. Tommy, someday when I feel like being the designated driver, you’ll have to try one of these. Hopefully before you go back to wherever you’re from.

  TOMMY smiles and puts his hand on hers.

  TOMMY

  I already feel sufficiently intoxicated being around such a beautiful woman.

  LONNIE, who has not consumed alcohol in a long, long time, is not looking too good.

  LONNIE HERISSON

  That was delicious. I always thought from the name that this place was a strip club.

  GERTIE looks around and catches the attention of the waiter.

  GERTIE ELLIOT

  Waiter! One more round for me and my plump amigo here.

  LONNIE HERISSON

  Oh God. I’m going to end up passing out and forgetting the whole evening.

  GERTIE looks at LONNIE and TOMMY and laughs suggestively.

  INT. LONNIE’S LIVING ROOM - LATER

  LONNIE, GERTIE and TOMMY enter the house. GERTIE is being propped up by TOMMY. Her arm is around his shoulder. LONNIE staggers over to the kitchen, grabs a glass of water and some Alkaseltzer, and sits down on the couch to drink it.

  GERTIE ELLIOT

  (To Lonnie)

  I’m bunking up with this guy tonight. That is, unless you have something to add to the subject.

  LONNIE gives a look of surprise to TOMMY. TOMMY seems not to have understood drunken GERTIE.

  GERTIE ELLIOT (CONT’D)

  (To Lonnie)

  Give me ten minutes to warm this guy up…

  GERTIE closes her eyes, and when she opens them again, they are now reptilian and glowing. Tommy doesn’t notice them.

  GERTIE ELLIOT (CONT’D)

  (To Lonnie)

  …then come right in and join us. Let’s go Tommy!

  GERTIE and TOMMY head off to TOMMY’s room. LONNIE downs the rest of his Alkaseltzer.

  LONNIE HERISSON

  (To himself)

  I have to end all of this tonight!

  LONNIE stands up. The room spins around him due to his drunkenness. He starts walking toward his bedroom door, veers off to the side, puts himself back on course, and then enters his room.