by Mandy Baggot
‘You can’t condemn someone like that without getting their side of the story, can you?’
She felt sick. She felt sick and stupid all at the same time. Mia had said it over and over last night. Now, a virtual stranger, the father she didn’t know, was saying it to her too. The reports were stating facts but there was always more to a Nashville story. She should know, she’d been involved in a lot of them back in the day. Honor Blackwood blinded by attacker. Attacker is ex-boyfriend with a grudge and her very favorite Aliens made me do it says Honor Blackwood attacker. Suddenly a shroud was being lifted and good sense was kicking in.
‘I need to see him, don’t I? I need to hear what he’s got to say.’
She slipped down off the stool and wrung her hands together. She knew it was the right thing to do but the idea of seeing him again was scaring her to death. She looked to Corbin.
‘I’m sorry. I know we have a lot to talk about but … ’
‘Hey, I’m grateful to have gotten coffee.’ He smiled at her and the way his eyes crinkled up, almost creasing his temple, sent a pang of emotion to her chest. This could really be her father. They’d have to formalize it, by getting tests or something but it could be the beginning of the first step towards any sort of family.
‘I can drive you,’ Corbin said, standing up.
‘Pardon me?’
‘I’ll drive you to see Jed,’ he repeated.
‘Oh, no, it’s fine. He lives just across town. It’s not far.’
‘Look at you, you’re shaking and high on caffeine. I don’t expect you got much sleep last night.’
She either looked a whole lot worse than she thought or he could read her a little already.
‘No strings. I’ll drive you there and I’ll wait … or I’ll leave.’ He rested his gaze on her. ‘We can decide on that when we get there.’
She looked back at him while her mind turned over thoughts about Jared. Could they make this right? Was his explanation going to change things or was she just going to give him a chance to say goodbye?
‘Thank you.’ She smiled at him. ‘I’ll go get dressed.
The street Jared lived on was eerily quiet. When she and Corbin had left her house the press had been there in droves, bombarding her with questions, shooting off pictures, wanting a response whatever its content. Corbin hadn’t acknowledged any of it. He’d remained cool and calm, just guiding her through the pack to his truck.
Now they were parked up outside Jared’s home and there wasn’t a journalist in sight. There also wasn’t a car in the driveway.
Honor let out a discontented sigh. ‘He’s not there.’
‘No? How do you know?
‘His truck’s not there.’ She was annoyed and frustrated. She’d built herself up on the drive over and now he wasn’t in.
‘Maybe he left it someplace or lent it to someone. You should go knock,’ Corbin suggested.
She shook her head.
‘You could call him.’
‘No, I couldn’t do that.’ The thought of the ringing line, the waiting, the anxiety, the fear flooding through her. No, this was something that could only be done face to face.
‘If you call him you can find out where he is,’ Corbin suggested.
She couldn’t speak to him on the phone, she just couldn’t. It would feel awkward. There would have to be some sort of conversation not just a request for directions. And what if he didn’t answer at all or he did and he didn’t want her to know where he was? It didn’t bear thinking about.
‘I could … ’ Corbin began.
‘No … no, I don’t want you to.’
She needed to think what to do. She could call Mia and maybe she could call Byron. Byron was the closest friend Jared seemed to have. If anyone knew where he was, then Byron might.
‘Just … just give me a minute.’ She opened the car door, and a breeze wound around her. Her head ached and she steadied herself, putting a hand on the hood of the car. She was losing focus, her mind full up; unable to cope with everything that was going on.
‘Are you OK?’ Corbin was out the car too, looking at her with concern.
‘Yeah … yeah I’m fine. I just need to call Mia. I’ll be fine.’ She gave him a hopeful smile and took her phone from her jeans pocket.
Mia had only taken a few minutes to make the call to Byron and come back with the news, but it had felt like forever. She’d paced the sidewalk as Corbin had watched from the truck and then she’d gotten her answer. He was in Alabama. He’d gone home, as planned, without her.
With her legs like jelly and her heart bumping a staccato she made it back to the car. He’d left the state. He wasn’t here in Nashville. He was in Wetumpka, his hometown. The trip they’d planned together had meant so much to them both. It had all gone so wrong so quickly.
‘Honor,’ Corbin said in a soft tone that rapped on her heart.
Of course he was waiting for her to say something. She’d just got into the car and stared out of the windshield.
‘He’s gone home.’ She cleared her throat, turned her head to face him. ‘He’s gone back to Alabama.’
She felt a lone tear leave her eye and she quickly whisked it away with the sleeve of her top. She saw Corbin nod his head, then he started the engine.
‘Could you take me home?’
She just wanted to hide, be by herself, process everything, analyze everything until somehow, someway it all became clearer. If that was ever going to be possible.
‘I’m not taking you home. I’m taking you to Alabama. Buckle up,’ Corbin stated, looking over at her.
‘What?’
‘You need to see him, I’ve got nothing better to do today. Let’s go to Alabama and try and sort this out,’ Corbin stated.
‘But … ’
‘Besides, four hours in a truck together and it’ll feel like we’ve never been apart.’
‘I can’t. I … ’
‘Buckle up, Honor. I’m not taking no for an answer.’
They’d traveled an hour without speaking and now Vince Gill was playing on the radio. Truth was, she didn’t know what to talk about. They’d only just met. They’d had a tentative conversation over a pot of coffee and now they were cocooned in a vehicle for half a working day.
‘D’you need to stop yet?’ Corbin broke the silence.
She shook her head. ‘No.’
She’d taken off her boots and had curled her feet up underneath her to hug her knees. There were three hours left and it was like waiting for the storm to hit. You knew it was coming but you also knew there was nothing you could do to avoid it and the outcome wasn’t entirely in your hands.
Corbin took a quick look at her before turning his attention back to the road. ‘You haven’t asked me many questions. I thought you’d have a lot of questions.’
Honor closed her eyes, trying to dampen down her feelings. ‘You don’t have to drive me to Alabama. If you let me out at the next truck stop I can … ’
‘You think I’m gonna let you hitch to the next state?’
‘I don’t know whether I can stand hearing about the life you had while I was living in care.’
There, it was out. She wasn’t in the right mindset to take this on. She wasn’t ready for it. She’d spent most of her life believing it would never come and now it was here she didn’t know how to handle it. Especially now when everything was upside down and she didn’t know what was going to happen.
‘That’s why we should talk,’ Corbin continued, unfazed.
She sighed. ‘I don’t really know what to say.’ She rubbed one palm against her jean-covered legs. There was nowhere to go here in the car, nowhere to hide.
‘You haven’t asked about your mom.’
Somehow she’d known the exact words he was going to say. It was as if it had been there at the back of her mind, just resting, being ignored. Was it because she didn’t want to know? Because she couldn’t understand how a mother could leave her baby on a doorstep? Or was it becaus
e she was scared to find out? What could Corbin tell her if he only knew he was a father six months ago?
She shook her head. It was all she could do and even she wasn’t sure whether it meant ‘don’t tell me’ or ‘no, I haven’t asked’.
Corbin sucked a breath in through his teeth and screwed up his eyes from the sun that was pouring in the windshield.
‘She was real pretty and had the voice of an angel.’
Her stomach tightened as his words resonated. She’d heard them before. It was almost an echo. She closed her eyes.
‘We spent a couple nights together, Honor, while we were both performing in Wyoming. She sang solo and I was in a band.’ Corbin laughed. ‘It wasn’t the big time. The places we played were barely places at all. But back then, if you hadn’t got a contract, you just did it for the love of the music and money for beer.’
The only picture she could see in her head was a version of herself. Younger maybe, a little taller, her hair a little longer, the bottoms of her jeans a little wider. She had nothing else to imagine.
‘Her stage name was Alice Ruskin. That’s how I knew her. But her real name, I found out, was Alison Robbins.’
Robbins. Her real last name was Robbins.
‘She was like a whisper in the wind. A breeze that came into the room and affected everybody. Like a sweet change to the temperature … something different. When she was on stage no one could take their eyes off her,’ Corbin continued.
Suddenly she was filled with anger. Here he was, her father, describing her mother as if she were a saintly, admirable woman who sang and charmed and wafted in, bewitching everyone in her path. But she had had a baby, not told the father of its existence and abandoned it. Abandoned her.
‘Why do you feel that way about her?’ Honor snapped, turning to look at Corbin. ‘You spent two nights together, she got pregnant and didn’t even tell you! That doesn’t sound like a whisper in the wind to me, it sounds like a selfish, irresponsible bitch!’
The harshness of her words took her back. She knew she shouldn’t care, should put up a brave face and a barricade like always but now, with Corbin here romanticizing everything, her blood was boiling. She was hurt and mad and she wanted to know every detail. Who Alice was, why she thought it was OK to leave a baby for the mayor to sort out and where she was now. So she could go tell her to her face.
‘Honor, I know how this sounds to you … ’
‘Do you? Do you really?’
‘I can only tell you what I know from that short window of time. I can’t tell you what she was really like as a person because … ’ He paused. ‘I didn’t really know her.’
Honor shook her head. What else was there to say? He couldn’t tell her anything. He couldn’t tell her if she regretted giving up her child. He couldn’t tell her if she went on to have a family. If she wanted to find this out it would mean making contact herself.
‘I know she never had any other children. The lawyer told me that. There was a husband … but no children,’ Corbin informed.
Something squeezed her heart as she caught hold of something in his tone. ‘Was a husband? What does that mean? She divorced him? Gave up on him like she left me?’ She shook her head. ‘Figures.’
‘No,’ Corbin replied.
His voice was deadpan, his eyes set ahead. He pulled the car off the road and brought it to a halt.
‘No, I don’t want to stop. I want to get to Alabama and I want to see Jared. I abandoned him last night and maybe that was a big mistake. I’m really hoping so right now, because if I have to even think about carrying on without what we had together.’ Her voice was shaking. ‘I’ve never felt that way. I’ve never felt loved like that.’
‘Honor,’ Corbin said, reaching for her hand.
‘I won’t let that woman make me cry because she left me. I’m stronger than that. I’ve been through worse than that.’
‘I know you have, I know. And I’m not making excuses for her because I’m in no position to do that. I didn’t keep in touch. I didn’t know about you. Starting off, for a minute, I was crazy mad that she let me miss out on you. But then I found out she’d missed out on you too.’ He gave her hand a squeeze. ‘Then I only felt sorry for you. Ending up with two parents you thought didn’t give a damn.’
She was gritting her teeth so hard her jaw hurt. She wouldn’t let the tears fall. She would hold them in and try and retain what little strength she had left.
‘Honor … ’ He stalled, locked eyes with her, then dropped them. ‘Honor, your mom died.’
She heard what he said but it didn’t register. She didn’t feel anything. He was holding her hand and when he looked back up again his eyes were moist. But there was still no emotion inside her. She was unable to express anything. She had nothing to give for the loss of the woman who had given birth to her.
‘The letter I had from the lawyer’s office was because she’d passed. She’d left a will and amongst those papers was a letter asking them to contact me,’ Corbin started to explain.
She looked at him; his face was creased with emotion for a woman he’d barely known. Had those two nights they’d spent together meant something? Had her mother not been one in a long line for him? Had he really cared for her? If they’d not kept in contact at all why was he shedding tears? Did you cry for virtual strangers just because they’d died? Everybody dies in the end, people died every day.
She was frowning at him, finding this show of feeling confusing as he carried on.
‘It said she’d had a daughter. She was my daughter, she was positive of that. And she told me you’d been taken into care.’
She couldn’t look at him anymore. She turned to gaze out the window, watched the sun streaking the grassland.
‘She left the cutting from the newspaper and … that was all,’ Corbin finished.
Honor snapped her head back, her eyes narrowing. ‘That was all?’
He nodded, wiping at his eyes with his thumbs.
‘That was all the letter said? You have a daughter and she’s in care. Here’s the headline from when I left her at the mayor’s house?’
‘I’m certain she was sorry. I mean, she had to be sorry. She never had another child, she’d gotten cancer before she was fifty. It doesn’t sound like the perfect life to me.’
‘But it was the one she chose wasn’t it?’ The bitterness filled her mouth up and she had to swallow. ‘I’m glad her life wasn’t perfect.’
‘Honor … ’
‘And I’m real glad she didn’t have any more children she could let down.’
Chapter Forty Five
‘He plays like you used to, you know.’
The Wetumpka Warriors were bossing the soccer game against their closest rivals in the school league. Jacob had set up one goal and was playing better than Jared had ever seen him play before.
‘Nah, I was never that good,’ he responded.
His eyes left the game for a second when he heard his sister’s distinctive laugh. She was with a couple of girlfriends in the bleachers just behind them, flicking back her hair and chewing gum like her life depended on it.
‘Has Anna got a guy?’ he asked, turning back to the game.
‘Not that I know of. But the name Troy Casey has been appearing on notebooks for a minute.’
‘That him?’ Jared asked, leaning his head toward a dark-haired youth wearing track pants and a tight, white t-shirt.
‘Yup, his dad’s the team coach now,’ Carol-Ann answered.
‘And what’s the kid like?’ He could feel the prickles of discomfort forming on the back of his neck as he thought about Anna with a boyfriend.
‘Jared Marshall. Do you have any idea what you were like at Anna’s age?’ Carol-Ann looked at him with an open mouth.
‘Yes, ma’am I do. And if this Troy is anything like I was at fifteen, I want him to stay the hell away from my sister.’
He gritted his teeth and watched Carol-Ann clap her hands together as Jacob’s team narrow
ly missed a chance on goal. She turned her body towards him and he immediately felt uncomfortable.
‘It’s gonna have been a shock to her, sweetheart.’ Her voice was low so no one else could hear. ‘Finding out what happened to you the way she did. So public and on a big night.’
Jared shook his head. He didn’t want to talk about this. He wanted to forget about it for a while, concentrate on being back home, on spending some time with his family. It was just the three of them on the land now and he never got back as often as he felt he should. He felt responsible for how they were living, for the hard work his mom insisted on doing because she was too proud to take on extra hands. In truth, he knew the work was what kept her going. It had nothing to do with the money, he made sure she never need worry about that side of things.
‘Jared, I want you to know that I will do whatever you want me to do to make this right,’ Carol-Ann told him.
‘No.’ His response was immediate. He couldn’t do that to his family. He’d protected them all once and he was going to keep on doing it no matter what the consequences were. Even if it meant him losing the things he held most dear.
‘Listen to me. You have no reason to walk around here with your head hung low, son. You are the truest, most honorable man I know. What you did for this family … ’
He could hear the tears in his mother’s voice and the boulder was up in his throat before he could do anything about it.
‘Stop, Momma.’
‘No, I won’t stop, Jared. I don’t want you to throw your future away because of the past. It was wrong then and it’s even more wrong now.’ Carol-Ann’s raised voice caught looks from other spectators. ‘You owe it … you owe it to that poor girl to tell her the whole truth and let her make any decisions based on the facts.’
He didn’t respond, just focused on his brother and the game in front of them.
‘I know you can hear me. You’re just too damn stubborn like your father.’ She sniffed back the emotion. ‘And look where that got him.’
‘The guy in the store says they live about a mile and a half out of town. He’s given me directions.’
Honor ignored the fact Corbin was stood outside the car, grabbed the handle and got back into it, thumping up onto the seat and pretending to look intently at the map in her hand.