Queen of Always

by Sherry D. Ficklin

  I know that you, Paul, have the most resentment in your heart toward me. You were such a sweet babe, stolen from my arms by the empress, who could never have children of her own. I hated her for taking you from me, but as you grew, I could see so much of your father in your eyes that it pained me to look at you. I am so sorry for the rift I created between us. Can you ever forgive me? I hope you can let go of past hurts and move forward with a pure heart. Russia belongs to you now, and I hope you will be good to her, and that she will be good to you in return.

  Alexei, I have been less of a mother to you than you deserved. My only joy came from knowing you were safe and well loved, far from the damage and lies of court. You were, in a world of deceit and darkness, my one perfect light, untainted by the bleakness of a royal life. Though I sent him away, I loved your father until the day he died, and I go to my grave loving him still. You are a product of that love and I hope you know how very special that makes you.

  Elizabeth, your father was a man very dear to me, a man I respected, a man I came to love long after I was sure there was no love left in the world for me. Be proud to bear the Orloff name. Grigori was as much a king as any man ever has been.

  Know, my sweet children, that I go to meet my maker having loved, and been loved, to the depths of my soul. I have also suffered so much, fought so hard, to secure your futures. I have sacrificed things you will never know and surrendered things you will never understand. Know that I have always, and in all things, tried to do my best. My choices were not always easy, they were not always pleasant, but they were always mine, and mine alone.

  Be firm in your faith and steadfast in your morality, know that you are of the divine tree and are born to be kings and queens. Be kind and generous when you are able, but don’t be afraid to stand firm when necessary. Read, drink, love, learn, bask in the glory of life, and remember always that I am with you.

  All my love,

  Catherine

  There are a great many people who helped me along this process, and I need to take a minute to thank them.

  Firstly, Marya, Courtney, and Rebecca from CTP, you gals are amazing. Thanks for taking a chance on my strange little idea and for the stunning covers, marketing, formatting, and general hand-holding you did the whole way. You are amazing!

  For my editor, Cynthia Shepp and her team, you guys are the best. If people could see what my first drafts look like, they would fall at your feet because you make my words shine and it wouldn’t be half the book it is without you.

  For the wonderful bloggers who continue to support me, you are so amazing and I am a very lucky girl to have such amazing friends in my life.

  For my writers group, thanks for always being there to listen to my crazy ideas and first-world problems. Thanks for all the caffeine, love, and support. Thank you.

  As always, thanks to my family, who prop me up and make me reach for the stars. Especially thanks to my husband, who knows when to bring home tacos and when to just get out of the house for a few days. I LOVE YOU, babe!

  And finally, thank you to all the readers who picked up these books and took this journey with me. This isn’t just Catherine’s story anymore, it’s our story now too, and I hope that a little bit of Catherine’s courageous spirit lives on inside of each of us.

  Chin up. Crown On. Move forward.

  XOXP,

  ~Sherry

  Sherry D. Ficklin is a full time writer from Colorado where she lives with her husband, four kids, two dogs, and a fluctuating number of chickens and house guests. She can often be found browsing her local bookstore with a large white hot chocolate in one hand and a towering stack of books in the other. That is, unless she's on deadline at which time she, like the Loch Ness monster, is only seen in blurry photographs. She is the author of several YA novels ranging from contemporary romance to science fiction. In her spare time she co-hosts the Pop Lit Divas radio show and is constantly trying to take over the world.

  You can see more about Sherry and her books at her official website, sherryficklin.com

  If you have enjoyed The Stolen Empire Series, we recommend you check out Sherry Ficklin's newest young adult series: The #Hacker Series. The first book in this series— Playing With Fire— Releases October 27, 2015. Enjoy this exclusive excerpt here.

  In my dream, I’m drowning. It’s not the first time. Hell, it’s not the one-hundredth time. Even as I blink away the last dying fragments of the nightmare, I can still feel the cold water clinging to my skin. I look down to see my arms shining with sweat.

  Around me, the car hums, the gentle vibration of tires on asphalt trying to lull me back to sleep. Travel far enough for long enough, and you develop the uncanny ability to sleep anywhere. Like in a crowded plane, on a noisy bus, even in a two-door rental sedan while your father drives down Highway 70 like he’s being chased by armed assassins.

  I force myself awake, stretching as much as I’m able to in the cramped car. Reaching for the cooler behind my seat, I pull out a Red Bull and crack it open. Dad doesn’t say anything, even though I know he hates me drinking them. I can’t tell if he’s just distracted by the road or if he’s finally given up the fight against my caffeine addiction.

  When I’ve gulped down half the can, he points out my window to a small, wooden sign that reads, Welcome to Havelock. Pardon our noise. It’s the sound of freedom.

  “We’re almost there,” he says, as if I should be excited.

  Truth is, I kind of am. Sure, I’ll miss the blistering hot summers and barren deserts of Arizona… oh wait, no. No, I won’t. Not even a little. I won’t miss the heat—and whoever coined the term dry heat should be shot in the head—I won’t miss the crappy little town, and I sure as hell won’t miss my friends. Or the people I used to call friends, I should say.

  This move might as well be a prison break, as far as I’m concerned. There were worse places we could have ended up besides the small, coastal North Carolina town. There were better places too, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

  When we pull up to the gate to the base, I notice a Harrier on display to my right. It’s angled so it looks like it is just about to land. Or crash. I can’t decide which. The guard, looking perfectly disguised in his dark green camouflage uniform, takes one look at the ID badge Dad flashes out the window, salutes, and raises the gate, letting us pass through.

  We drive in what feels like circles until finally pulling into a skinny driveway.

  “You have got to be joking,” I whine. Marine Corps Air Station Cherry Point boasts stunning, seaside officer housing. I know—I’d looked it up online. Tall, spacious homes overlooking the ocean with big windows and hardwood floors, all generously loaned to the officers stationed there, free of charge. What I’m looking at now is so not on the brochure.

  Being a military kid, I’ve lived in a lot of places, seen a lot of things. I’ve seen impoverished towns in Okinawa and Nigeria. I’ve seen entire communities made of straw shacks with one communal outhouse. None of that has prepared me for what I’m seeing now—the lowest form of civilization.

  Enlisted housing, aka puke-brown duplex houses with metal windows and cheap, brown doors left over from the 1950s. There’s a patch of what at first glance looks like grass but upon further inspection turns out to be shredded newspaper painted green.

  I swing a glare at Dad as if lasers might shoot out of my eyes and vaporize him on the spot.

  He just shrugs. “Sorry, Farris, I know it doesn’t look like much, but officer housing is full because of the renovations. They have some new places coming open that we should be able to get into in about three months.”

  I snort. “Three months? What, did they bring in the Army Corps of Engineers?”

  “Worse. Civilian contractors.”

  I make a horrified face, and he grins.

  My father walks around the car, popping open the trunk and tossing my worn green duffel bag into my arms. “But we can make do. I mean, we’ve been through worse, right kid?”

&nb
sp; I’m not sure if he’s talking about the summer we spent in a tent in San Paolo or the two weeks I just spent at my Great-Aunt Penelope’s place in Kansas, which I’m actually pretty sure is some kind of portal to hell. She has a tiny condo in an “active seniors” community. Aunt P is sweet and all, but there’s only so much knitting and bridge club a girl can take before she tries to drown herself in the walk-in bathtub.

  I shake it all off, pushing everything down inside myself. It’s a clean slate, I remind myself. A chance to start over. Maybe do things right this time. “Sure, Dad.”

  Dad came ahead to North Carolina to get the house set up and get things situated before rescuing me from Aunt P’s place. At almost seventeen, I’m old enough to stay on my own for a few weeks if I need to, and I’d lobbied hard to do just that. But Dad isn’t big on trust these days. I suppose I deserve that, really.

  From the looks of things, he hasn’t gotten far with the set up. When he opens the front door, I see that the house is still stuffed with boxes, piles of brown packing paper, and empty takeout containers. I kick one aside as I enter.

  “Your room is over there,” he says, pointing down the hall.

  I pull my shoulders back, resigned to sleeping on the floor for a few nights, but when I push the door open, I see my room is mostly set up. My bed, desk, and dresser, at least. Of course, it has the same bubblegum-pink bedspread and curtains I’ve had since I was nine, but still, it feels a little like home. I toss my duffel bag on the bed and am rewarded with a familiar creak.

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  He brushes past me, bringing in my oversized suitcase and depositing it beside the empty closet. “I’m sorry I didn’t get more done. Things are already piling up at work.”

  I can’t say I’m surprised. One of the biggest reasons we landed here was Dad’s ability to fix any mess—well, any mess but me—and from what he’s told me, this squadron is in one helluva mess. “Is there anything I can help with?” I ask, looking around.

  “It’s late, kid, and you have school tomorrow.”

  I groan. “I slept in the car. Besides, I’ve got too much nervous energy to sleep. Tonight, I work,” I say in my best soldier voice. “For tomorrow, I die.”

  Dad frowns. “Yes, high school. A fate worse than death.” With a derisive snort, he turns and marches down the hall and out of sight.

  “Do you even remember high school? It isn’t all egg creams and sock hops anymore,” I call after him. “Now it’s more metal detectors and drug dogs.”

  I turn away, unzipping my sack and digging around inside until my hand finds the cool metal edges of a picture frame. Pulling it out, I carefully set it up on the edge of my dresser. My mom grins out at me from the old photo. It’s of us at my first middle school dance—which she’d chaperoned, of course. My dress is violet and black and flounces around my knees. She’d spent weeks sewing it for me. I touch her picture gently, trying to hold the sound of her voice in my head, just a moment longer. But it’s gone as quickly as it comes, leaving me with watery eyes and a knot in my throat.

  I set the frame on my dresser, my heart aching, a mixture of longing and sorrow that I’ve become all too familiar with. It hangs over me like a dark cloud, never really gone, but sometimes ignorable. I do my best to ignore it now.

  From down the hall, Dad calls out, “I’m gonna order pizza. That okay?”

  I back away slowly, poking my head out my door. “Is it the only number you know?”

  “It’s the only place that delivers this late.”

  “Pizza it is then,” I agree, rolling up my sleeves and grabbing the nearest box, looking forward to the distraction.

  ***

  The next day comes entirely too soon. The metal rails of my bed shake with the force of a speeding train as a formation of jets pass overhead. The noise grows unbearably loud, crests, and then fades into the distance. Then, another wave of jets approach. The sound of freedom, my ass.

  I moan, grabbing the pillow from under my head and pressing it to the upper half of my face. When the noise finally subsides, I toss the pillow aside and wrench one eye open, grasping for my cell phone. The stark white numbers confirm my feeling that it is way too early for that sort of thing. I open up the clock and slide the alarm off even though it isn’t set to sound for fifteen more minutes.

  Dawn creeps in through the slats of my cheap vinyl mini-blinds. I feel the warmth of the sun on my skin like an ant under a magnifying glass. Grudgingly, I toss the covers aside and roll my legs off the side of the bed, automatically lifting my feet as soon as they hit the cold linoleum floor. I blink, wipe my hands down my face, and sigh as I make my way upright. Hastily, I pull my violently strewn blankets into place, tossing the pillow on top, and trudge into the tiny bathroom.

  The light overhead flickers on with a buzz you might expect in a hospital or a mental institution. The generic, cream-colored vanity holds a simple white basin beneath a wall-mounted mirror fastened with clear clips. The room was void of any color, except for a brown cardboard box in the corner marked “bathroom”. The plain white shower liner crinkles as I sweep it aside to twist the hot water knob. While the water slowly warms to steaming hot, I take a minute to look at myself in the mirror. Pulling out the rubber band that held my chocolate-colored hair in its braid, I comb through the tangles with my fingers. Tendrils of steam curl up from the shower, causing tiny droplets of moisture to cling to my skin.

  Still only half-awake, I step into the shower and let the pounding water massage the tension out of my neck and shoulders. We’d been up till the wee hours of the morning unpacking box after box of clothes, dishes, and randomness, and we still haven’t made a dent. I lean against the white plastic wall and try not to hate my life.

  “Be positive,” my therapist always said, “and positive things will happen.”

  Clearly, he’d never had to share a crappy one-bathroom duplex with his dad. Still, I try to focus on the good things.

  This year, there will be no one giving me dirty looks or calling me names behind my back. There will be no rotten eggs thrown at my house or dead rodents placed in my locker. There will be no long days spent in uncomfortable hospital chairs or waiting for visiting hours to begin. There will be no moping and no solitary lunches eaten in the drama room.

  This year will be different.

  Better.

  So even if I am forced to spend the next three months in a cookie-cutter duplex in a row of cookie-cutter duplexes, in a neighborhood of… well, you get the idea, it will still be better.

  Once again, a plane flies over the house with its engines at high power. The mirror in the small bathroom vibrates so hard I think it might shatter, but it holds firm.

  Sighing, I rinse the frothy, apple-scented shampoo out of my hair. Today is going to be my first day of junior year. Finally, I think as a familiar anxious knot twists in my stomach. It’s well into the first semester so the idea of slipping in unnoticed is crushed, but I’m hoping there will be so many new faces that mine won’t stand out too badly. It’s an on-base school, which is always nice. It’s not much fun having to fight your way into cliques that formed in preschool and there’s normally a pretty regular shuffle of people in and out, making it easy to get into clubs and things.

  I step out of the warmth of the shower and wrap myself in a rough, olive-green towel. Military kids just seem to know what it’s like to be new all the time, to have to adjust and readjust every few months. You don’t get that six-month period of being a social pariah before people start talking to you. They tend to jump in with both feet. I let the thought calm my nerves as I dig through the “bathroom” box, close my hand around the handle of my blow-dryer, and pull it out.

  I blow out my long, brown hair and pull it straight until it lies placidly over my shoulders. My hair is a strange combination of straight in the front and kinky in the back. I get that from my mother. If I let it do what it wanted, I’d spend my life looking like a wet poodle. Unfortunately, my hair serum, the on
ly product under heaven that can control the frizz, is still boxed up somewhere, so I pull my hair into a high ponytail, carefully tugging the very front into a discreet, rocker chick-looking faux-hawk, and make a mental note to keep better track of my essentials next time we pack. All I’ve been able to find so far was my shampoo, blow-dryer, and some lip balm I’m not entirely sure is mine. I toss that back in the box, just in case.

  Glancing over myself in the mirror, I wonder how much longer I can keep procrastinating. Surely, there is something else I can wash, brush, polish, or paint to keep from having to leave the small, damp room. My blue eyes look dull and milky in the yellow glow of the overhead light. I slowly rotate my face, looking for signs of an it-never-fails first-day-of-school breakout. My skin is clear, if a bit dry, with the ever present patch of freckles riding across my nose. With one dark purple fingernail, I tug at my eyes, pulling them back and wishing I had a stick of liner to apply. I sigh, giving up and pulling on my blue jeans and my favorite vintage Clash T-shirt. My favorite purple Converse low-tops are practically falling apart at the seams, but I slip my feet into them anyway and wiggle my toes experimentally. Sometimes being packed away does strange things to shoes, but these are soft with years of wear, which makes them fit perfectly to the shape of my feet.

  With a final glance in my bathroom mirror, I force the remaining anxiety from my body with a hard exhale, pick up my red backpack with all its various mini-buttons from my room, and head for the kitchen and my final inspection.