Beacon

by Michelle Irwin

  Angel followed my instructions, pluckin’ Abby off the bed and disappearin’ from the room. Ignorin’ the mess left around her, I lifted Emma from the floor and placed her gently on the bed, tryin’ to find the source of the blood.

  Tears were in my eyes as I examined her body for any open wounds. “I’m so sorry, baby girl. I wasn’t payin’ enough attention. I shoulda never left ya on the bed alone. How could I a been so stupid?”

  When I found the cut on the back of her thigh, I tore the baby suit off her legs. She kicked and screamed even louder. Elsewhere in the house, there was more screamin’, and I hoped Angel had followed through on callin’ an ambulance. I reached for anything clean nearby that I could use to try to stem the bleedin’.

  “Please stop kickin, Em,” I begged. “Ya need to let me help you. I know it hurts, li’l darlin’. I know it hurts, but ya have to let me do this.”

  “Is she bleeding?” Angel asked. Her voice was full of panic.

  I nodded, unable to find a voice to admit to her that I’d put my daughter’s life in danger because of my own stupid desires.

  “Yes. Yes, she is,” Angel spoke, no doubt lettin’ the emergency operator know. “Apply pressure, Beau.”

  “I am, Angel. Least, I’m tryin’.”

  I wrapped both my hands around Emma’s thigh, tryin’ to stop her from bein’ able to kick me away. Each of her cries went straight to my heart, and I couldn’t slow the rapid beat. “Just be okay, please, Emma,” I murmured as I tried to soothe her.

  A little over fifteen minutes later, the paramedics arrived and saw to her wound. They kept reassurin’ me that I’d done the right thing and that she was gonna be okay, but I could only focus on her tears.

  Rather than loadin’ Emma onto a stretcher, they let me carry her in my arms out to the ambulance and take a seat in the back with her across my lap. As I passed Angel and Cass, they reassured me they’d watch Abby for as long as I needed.

  “Don’t clean up the mess yet,” I said. “I don’t want to risk spillin’ Phoebe’s ashes.” The thought of a shard of glass puncturin’ the bag and lettin’ any of her ashes free made my heart hurt more than ever.

  It wasn’t long before we were on the road to the hospital, and all I could do is try to soothe Emma. Each time I closed my eyes, Phoebe was there, and the look of disappointment in her gaze destroyed me. If Emma had come down a few inches to the right, she coulda had the shard of glass in her artery. It coulda taken out an eye or slashed her wrist. There were so many ways it coulda gone wrong.

  And it only happened because I was too busy worryin’ about what might happen between Angel and me. I had been too focused on unimportant things. I wouldn’t do it again. I couldn’t.

  We got to the hospital, and the paramedics rushed us into the emergency department. A nurse came to triage Emma. The full-blown screams Emma had issued at home had slowed in the ambulance. Instead, her face was red, and her li’l bottom lip quivered as whimpers, and soft cries left her.

  I held her close to me, and she cuddled in against my chest, whimperin’ into my shirt. She was shakin’ and sweatin’.

  As the nurse checked her, my heart rate slowed. They explained that they’d need to check to ensure there wasn’t any glass in the wound and then they’d give her a local anesthetic before stitchin’ her up.

  The nurse returned ten minutes later with an injection for the pain. Emma screamed up a storm when the needle went in, but her cries died down fairly quickly after that. I brushed my hand over her hair again and again as I murmured calmin’ words to her. Her whimpers reduced in frequency and before long she’d drifted off to sleep.

  It had taken another twenty minutes before a doctor came over to us.

  “She’ll be fine,” the emergency department doctor reassured me as she worked to stitch the wound. “It could’ve been far worse, but she was lucky.”

  Although her words were supposed to be reassurin’, all I could hear was the one thing I already knew. “It could’ve been worse.”

  The doctor finished off the stitches. “Just go back to your GP in about ten days to get these out. She’ll be absolutely fine.”

  “Thank you, ma’am.”

  I sat watchin’ Emma sleep until the nurse came over. “Do you have someone who can pick you up?”

  “Yeah, I’ve just gotta make a call.”

  “I’ll have to ask you to return to the waitin’ room, but I can give you a blanket to keep the little one warm if you like.”

  “Please.”

  I grabbed the blanket from the nurse and then carried Emma out to the waitin’ room. Once I was settled, I grabbed my cell and called home.

  “Oh, God, Beau, I’ve been so worried. How is she?”

  “She’s okay. She’s got some stitches, but she’ll be fine. It coulda been worse. Can you come to pick us up?”

  “Of course. Did you want me to bring Abby or leave her here with Cass?”

  I wasn’t overly happy with the idea of Abby in a car under Angel’s control, but I also needed to see her. I had to reassure myself that she was unharmed. “Bring her.”

  “Good because she’s been going out of her mind. I think she’s missing her sister or maybe she knows that Em got hurt and wants to see she’s okay.”

  I couldn’t find the words to say thank you because they were tangled in the mess of emotions around my heart.

  “I’ll see you soon, Beau,” Angel added.

  “Okay, sweetness.”

  Without loosenin’ my hold on Emma, I rested my head back against the wall behind me and tried to relax for a few moments. I was thankful I’d given up racin’ when I had. Not havin’ my face splashed across television and tabloids made it easier in situations like the one I was in. Some diehard fans mighta still recognized me, but there were fewer of them now that other drivers had come up the ranks to replace me in the minds of the public.

  “Dada.” Emma’s words drew my attention. Her eyes were wide, the seafoam irises clear of tears.

  I gave her a reassurin’ grin. “Dada’s here, baby girl.”

  She dropped her head to my neck and gave me a cuddle.

  “I’m gonna protect you, li’l darlin’. From everythin’. There ain’t nothin’ in my life more important than you and Abby.”

  She climbed up so that she was standin’ on my lap, before cryin’ when she straightened her leg. I convinced her to sit again as a fresh stab of guilt raced through me.

  My cell rang. When I answered it, Angel got straight to the point. “We’re out the front in the passenger set down.”

  “Okay, sweetness. I’ll be out in a minute.”

  Leavin’ the blanket behind, I lifted Emma into my arms and found my way out of the hospital.

  Angel jumped out of the car when I came near. She rushed to my side and kissed Emma’s head. “I was so worried about you, Em. I was so scared.”

  “She’s gonna be okay.”

  Angel nodded and then headed for the car. “I cleaned up the glass.”

  Although I was certain she was only tryin’ ta help, it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I frowned and my voice was gruff when I spoke. “Angel, I said—”

  She glared at me in a way that indicated she wasn’t gonna take any arguments. “I wasn’t going to leave glass on the ground where the girls could step on it. Or where you could.”

  “But I didn’t wanna move Phoebe’s ashes until I knew they weren’t gonna leak.”

  “Beau, I took care of it. I was careful, and nothing spilled. We need to get another urn though.”

  She opened the rear door for me so that I could get Emma in. Abby squealed and kicked in glee when she saw Emma who responded in kind.

  “Keys are in the ignition,” Angel said. “I guess you’ll want to drive home.”

  I nodded and slipped around to the driver side of the car. Between the quiet, the dark, and the vibrations of the car, both girls fell asleep before long.

  “Are you okay?” Angel asked after nearly fifteen d
eathly silent minutes on the road.

  I couldn’t answer her with anythin’ more than a sigh.

  “Beau?” She placed her hand on my arm.

  I tensed my hand around the steerin’ wheel. She seemed to get the hint and moved her hand.

  “I’m sorry about what happened,” she said, her voice fillin’ with tears. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  I sighed again. I didn’t want to hurt her. “It wasn’t only you. I just don’t think I can even think about gettin’ into anythin’, regardless of what Phoebe mighta wanted. I can’t bring drama into the girls’ lives. Look at what happened tonight because of it.”

  “Emma’s fine.”

  “But she mightn’ta been. You don’t understand, Angel. Life can turn on a dime, and I can’t watch someone else I love die.” I clenched my jaw when I said the words to stop myself from cryin’.

  She put her hand on my shoulder. “I understand, Beau. I lost my mum and Phoebe in the last twelve months, so I get it. You can’t live without love though.”

  “I meant what I said about what I was gonna ask ya tomorrow night, and I’m more serious ’bout that than ever. The girls need stability and not drama, so if you’re willin’ to be there for ’em and to keep the house drama-free, I would still love ya to help out that way.”

  “So all the time I want with the girls and a permanent roof over my head, but all I’ve got to give you in return is to kill off any chance I have of a love life?”

  I chuckled under my breath. “Yeah, I guess that covers it.”

  “Okay.”

  “What?”

  “Okay. I want to be part of the girls’ lives, and one of my biggest fears was you moving on and leaving me behind. This means that won’t happen, right?”

  “That ain’t gonna happen. I can’t let other people walk in and out o’ the girls’ lives.”

  “And you know you’re going against Phoebe’s wishes doing this, don’t you?” Before I could say anything more, she kept talking. “And I don’t mean what she hinted at between the two of us. I mean that you aren’t letting go and moving on.”

  “I know, and I don’t wanna go against what she wanted, but I can’t risk another accident because I’m too wound up in drama and desire.”

  “You can’t blame yourself for what happened. Babies have accidents.”

  “Not no more. Not on my watch.”

  “Okay, I understand. We’ll keep them safe together.”

  “Raise them together,” I said. “We can follow one of Phoebe’s wishes at least.”

  “Sounds like a plan.” She turned and looked out the window, and it was evident the conversation was over for the night.

  Cass had some dinner waitin’ for us when we got home.

  “Everythin’ patched up?” she asked when I carried Emma in. She tickled Emma’s stomach and smiled at the giggle Emma gave.

  “Thankfully it is.” I shifted Emma into a different position, holdin’ her close to my chest.

  “I’m just glad it wasn’t worse. She’s got stitches though, so we’re gonna have to be careful when we’re washin’ her and there’s some antibiotics I’ve gotta give her to make sure she doesn’t get an infection.”

  “There ain’t no need to panic now, Beau, she’s okay,” Cass reassured me.

  “It coulda easily gone a different way.”

  She gave a faint grin. “But it didn’t.”

  I wanted to growl at her that she didn’t get it. “It could have though, and it woulda been my fault.”

  “Babies get hurt.”

  “I tried to tell him that,” Angel said.

  I spun on Angel. “And like I told ya, I ain’t gonna let anything happen to them. Not again.”

  Angel and Cass exchanged a loaded glance.

  I shook my head. “While y’all stand ’round starin’ at each other I’m gonna get the girls settled.”

  Without waitin’ for either of them to move, I set Emma up in her highchair before turnin’ back to grab Abby from Angel.

  “I’ve got her,” Angel said. “We said we were going to do this together, didn’t we?”

  I ignored the glare Cass was givin’ me and started on the nightly routine, tryin’ to put the earlier drama out of my mind.

  My peace only lasted until the girls were asleep and then I went into my bedroom and saw the makeshift urn Angel had placed on the bedside table. It was a box I recognized from Phoebe’s old room—a box that had held her keepsakes and precious memories. I pressed my hand against the surface and wondered whether it was better to leave her there rather than tryin’ to find another urn. “I’m sorry, darlin’. I nearly failed you tonight, and I promise I won’t ever do that again. Those girls are all that matter to me now.”

  I crawled into bed as thoughts of what I needed to do next ran through my head.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN: PROBLEMS AND PROPOSALS

  FOR THE REST of Cass’s visit, and all of the month that followed, I did exactly what I’d promised Phoebe I would do. I fell into an obligation, runnin’ through all the motions and dedicatin’ every minute I was at home to the girls. I was at Emmanuel Racing when they took their first proper steps, and I told Declan I wasn’t comin’ back as soon as I got the message from Angel with the video of that milestone. At least until I got home and Angel reminded me why I needed to keep helping Declan—both for his benefit and my sanity. Then we came to an agreement that I’d work a couple of days a week goin’ forward except the time I needed off for my holiday.

  “Beau, when’s this going to calm down?” Angel asked one day at the end of November.

  “When’s what going to calm down, sweetness?”

  “This automaton bullshit you’ve got going on.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.”

  “It’s just like when Declan flew down to Florida while we were in the States and you tried to get rid of me.”

  “I wasn’t tryin’ ta get rid of you. Declan threatened that if I didn’t bring ya down to meet him, he was gonna make things difficult. And I ain’t actin’ like that.”

  “Okay, maybe not exactly like that, but you’re not being you either.”

  “I’m doin’ what I have to for the girls.”

  “The girls need someone who will be there for them in every way. Someone who will be a role model for them. That includes livin’. This is exactly what Phoebe didn’t want happening.”

  “Sweetness, I’m tryin’. What d’ya want me to do?”

  “Take the girls out for the day. Go back to Cedar Creek Falls. Take them to the park for a few hours. Do something that doesn’t involve sitting around here all day. Yes, it keeps them safe, but at what cost?”

  To avoid any further argument, I did as she asked. I called Alyssa to see if she wanted to meet me at an indoor playground with Georgia so the girls could play with their aunt. I wasn’t surprised when Alyssa jumped at the chance to meet up.

  Twenty minutes later, I sat at Alyssa’s side, watchin’ Georgia, Emma, and Abby play in the toddler area of the playground. Every time one of my girls stumbled, I was on my feet and rescuin’ them.

  The fourth time I went to get up, Alyssa grabbed my bicep. “Don’t. You have to let them fall from time to time.”

  I frowned at her. “But if they fall, they might get hurt.”

  “Life comes with hurt, Beau. You of all people should know that.”

  The words sent me back to the seat to avoid collapsin’ in a heap as the agony in them twisted around the pieces of my heart. “I can’t lose either of them though.”

  “You’re not going to lose them if they fall on their butts from time to time. They’ll bruise, but bruises are part of life.”

  “But—”

  “Do you think Phoebe would’ve had the career she did if I didn’t let go a little? Don’t you think that scared the crap out of me? Standing on the sidelines while she jumped in a kart.”

  I thought about what might happen if the girls got into kartin’.
With the possibility of spin-offs and crashes, I had no idea how I’d ever be able to let them do that. If they wanted to do that though, could I really stop them? Wouldn’t it be an insult to Phoebe to stop them from followin’ her passion?

  “I understand the fear, Beau. God, when Phoebe was a baby, I was so terrified about every little thing. Losing Emmanuel and having to take Phoebe to the doctors so much, well, it made me paranoid. I can’t even tell you how many times I took her to the doctors because she had a cold.”

  “How did you get past the fear?”

  A li’l smile crossed her lips. “It was Declan actually. God, the crashes that man got into before we reunited, but he came through them mostly unscathed and with lessons learned. When he started taking Phoebe to kart races, he talked me through the safety aspects, and then I saw the smile on Phoebe’s face, and I knew I couldn’t deny her that ever again.”

  “It ain’t that easy.”

  She took a sip of her coffee. “Okay, imagine that the girls reached the ripe old age of one hundred—”

  “Sounds good to me.”

  Alyssa raised her brow, makin’ it clear that she hadn’t finished. “Without ever achieving any dreams. Imagine one hundred years of fear. Of never doing anything. Never taking any risks. What sort of life is that?”

  I frowned. “I guess that wouldn’t be good. But I want them to be safe.”

  “Sometimes the risks seem insurmountable, but the rewards are more than worth it.” She looked at me and the girls and her meaning grew clear. Without the risk Phoebe had taken, goin’ to the States alone, I wouldn’t have the family I did. She wouldn’t have her granddaughters. “You need to learn how to balance fear and risk in a way that keeps them safe but still allows them to live.”

  “I don’t know how to do that.”

  She gave me a motherly smile. “You let them fall on their arse from time to time.”

  “I guess so.”

  “That goes for you too.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You need to take some risks too. You need to live again. I know my daughter, and I know what she would’ve wanted for you. It’s not this.”