Beacon

by Michelle Irwin

  “I can’t do this. I can’t have this life and pretend that everything’s okay without you. I need ya.” I pretended I could still feel her hand restin’ on my chest like the last time. Then, her head had rested on her hand and my heart had raced at her touch. “I can’t be there for those girls the way I need to be. I can’t do it alone.”

  “Of course you can. You’ve got this, Beau. And you’ve got Angel. She won’t let you down. She never let me down even when things looked like they were at their worst. Just don’t let her go.”

  The words were comin’ from within, but I still needed them as justification for the shiftin’ emotions within me. The truth was that in the last twelve months, I’d come to rely on Angel more than I’d ever thought I could. More than was fair. I had even grown to love her. She would never replace Phoebe, but she didn’t want to either. Everything she wanted was reasonable to ask for. Angel didn’t want to be in a relationship of convenience. She needed to be loved, and it wasn’t unfair of her to ask for that.

  It was unfair of me to expect her to want anythin’ less.

  After a few moments, I wished I’d thought to grab a bottle of Fireball before I went down to the boat. Even as the thought left me, I knew it wasn’t what I really wanted. After all, I had two tiny people relyin’ on me for everythin’.

  Two little girls Phoebe had given her life for and left in my care.

  Mine and Angel’s.

  The thought was enough to set me back into action, rowin’ back to the shore as fast as I could. I tethered the boat again. As soon as it was secure, I moved again, headin’ back to the house.

  I pushed through the door and my eyes searched for Angel.

  “I’m sorr—”

  I cut Angel’s apology off with a kiss. My mouth melded to hers, movin’ in time with the beat of my broken heart. I couldn’t let go of Phoebe, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t love Angel as well.

  She opened her lips and my tongue pressed forward to brush against hers in steady strokes. A slow fire built in my gut. It wasn’t all-consumin’ the way it had been with Phoebe but it still kindled my need. It was better than any kiss I’d shared with anyone but Phoebe.

  It wasn’t necessarily a kiss of passion, but one born out of desire for companionship. To join with another soul who understood what it was like to burn for Phoebe. What it was like to ache and need. What it was to grieve for lost love and hope for something more.

  I wrapped my arms around Angel’s waist and pulled her body against mine. It didn’t fit quite the same way as Phoebe’s had, but it was more than enough.

  My heart split in two, breakin’ into the part that wouldn’t let Phoebe go and the part that wanted everythin’ Angel was willin’ to give. Two fractured halves of a soul broken by the death of its mate. Every part of me that had been in denial—waitin’ for Phoebe to walk back in the door—fell away and left a raw wound in their absence.

  As I pulled away, I cupped Angel’s face. My tears, still fresh in my eyes, doubled in number.

  “Are you okay?” Angel asked.

  “She’s gone.” I sobbed as I held Angel close. “She’s really gone. She ain’t gonna come walkin’ back in.” Even though it had been over twelve months, part of me had held on, hopin’ for that miracle. That was the barrier I needed to climb in order to commit to Angel, and it had come tumblin’ down in one instant.

  Angel wrapped her arms around my neck and rested her forehead against my lips. A sob left her in time with my own. “I know.”

  Despite the months that’d passed, the pain was as raw for us both as ever. I could drown myself in a bottle of Fireball to try to shake it, but if Angel was gonna let me, I was willin’ to drown in her instead. There were things we needed to discuss first though.

  “I shouldn’ta asked ya to be at my side before, sweetness. I wasn’t ready to let Phoebe go and as long as that was true, it wasn’t fair to ask you anything,” I admitted. “I’m still not completely. I don’t know if I ever will be.”

  “I would never expect you to. She’s in here”–she pressed her hand to her heart—“until the day I die. And I know it’s the same for you. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be happy again though, Beau. It doesn’t mean you can’t let yourself fall in love. Never to replace her. That’s impossible. But maybe to allow yourself to feel alive again. The way she wanted you to.”

  She reached for my hand and guided it back to her cheek. Her gaze locked with mine. The emotions warrin’ in the green depths were the same ones spinnin’ through me. Betrayal. Guilt. Remorse. Love. Need.

  It’d been almost eighteen months since I’d made love to anyone, and the way Angel looked at me burned my insides and brought my body to life.

  I brushed my hand from her cheek into her hair and guided her mouth to mine, movin’ slowly to taste and savor the lips Phoebe had once kissed. Angel’s hands swept into my hair, tuggin’ me closer as she kissed me harder. Our mouths moved in time with one another and a burn deep in my stomach grew with every stroke of our tongues.

  With hesitant movements, I trailed my fingers over the column of her throat and down onto her chest. I paused as I anticipated the flinch and the pullin’ away that I’d grown so accustomed to with Phoebe, but there was none. Instead, Angel thrust her chest forward to meet my touch as she moaned into the kiss.

  Her hands moved across my shoulders, and up to my neck. Then her fingertips trailed into my hair, strokin’ over my scalp. Every touch was a reminder that she wasn’t the one my heart had wanted for so long, but that it didn’t matter. She was able to stoke fires of her own. Different ones. Ones that burned alongside the need I had for Phoebe. I’d never thought it was possible to crave two people at the same time, and yet as everything I’d shared with Angel ran through me I realized I had been wrong.

  My body reacted to her touch, and I shifted closer to her as my hands grew more darin’ and started to explore. Once more, every inch my fingers embraced was different to what I was accustomed to, but that wasn’t enough to stop my exploration. The muscles beneath Angel’s skin reacted to my touch with soft little flickers and her moans grew louder as I dipped my hand under the hem of her shirt.

  “Oh, God, Beau,” she whispered as she tipped her head up to the ceilin’ when I traced my hand around to the base of her spine. My fingers played with the waistband of her jeans.

  Angel’s gentle touches smashed apart every barrier my love for Phoebe had erected. It was as if the brands Phoebe’s love had left on my heart recognized Angel and threw the doors wide open.

  Without stoppin’ my assault on her lips, Angel trailed her hands down onto my chest and undid the buttons on my shirt. She pushed it off my shoulders before lifting the plain T-shirt I had on underneath up and over my head, only breakin’ off the kiss at the last second.

  Her hands found my now-bare shoulders as her lips found mine again. When she gained the courage to explore a little more, her palm brushed down over my heart and I stopped. I stepped away as her hand brushed across my tattoo dedicated to Phoebe.

  “It’s such a beautiful image,” Angel said, tracing the outline of the bike on my chest. “You wanna know something funny?”

  “What’s that?”

  “I can’t even tell you how many times I fantasized about being with you and Phoebe at the same time. I couldn’t have ever suggested because I knew how Phoebe was, but it would’ve been a dream come true for me.”

  I couldn’t lie and pretend it wasn’t something I’d thought about ever since I’d seen the two of them twisted around each other various times. The images I’d pictured leaped into my mind again. I could picture the two of them kissin’ and then turnin’ their shared attentions onto me. A groan escaped me at the fantasy.

  Angel’s mouth captured mine again and she swallowed down every sound I issued.

  Her hands crept onto my jeans, makin’ short work of the zipper. She pulled away from the kiss long enough to give a sly grin as her fingers stroked against my cock.
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  I thrust forward into her hand, longin’ for her touch.

  She hummed against my lips and tightened her hold.

  I stepped forward into the kiss and my jeans slipped to the floor. I kicked them off and boxed Angel in against the wall.

  “Fuck, Beau,” she moaned as my lips found her throat and my cock ground against her crotch. “Tell me this isn’t a dream.”

  “If it was a dream, I wouldn’t be hurtin’ so much.”

  She put her hands on my chest and forced some distance between us. “We don’t have to push if you’re not ready. All I need to know is that there is a chance for us. That I don’t have to commit to a loveless life of celibacy to be there for the girls.”

  “I need this.” I wrapped my hand around hers and led her into my bedroom. It was only as I pushed open the door that I remembered the girls were in there. I took a moment to stare at the two of them curled up together in the middle of my bed.

  Angel’s hand tightened around mine. When I turned to her, the expression she wore was so tender I knew that I was makin’ the right decision.

  “Come on,” I whispered before closin’ the door again and leadin’ her to her room.

  When we entered her space, she bit her lip. She looked so uncomfortable, that I took a step away.

  “I can go, if you like?” I stepped back, but Angel didn’t release my hand.

  “I don’t want. This is just . . . an adjustment.”

  “Tell me about it,” I said. “Maybe we should take it slow?”

  She used her hold on my hand to lead me to her bed. At the last second, she dropped my hand and climbed onto her bed. My gaze trailed after her the whole way.

  “Let’s just talk.” She patted the bed in invitation and I was halfway across the room before I’d thought about what I wanted.

  It wasn’t long before we were both in bed, wrapped in one another’s hold. It wasn’t much different to the sort of comforting touches we’d shared over the time we’d known each other, and yet it was completely different. Something had shifted between us, and it wasn’t gonna shift back. I didn’t want it to.

  The way she tucked against my body made it easy to pretend that Phoebe was still with me. Angel grabbed my hand and held it in hers before restin’ them both over her heart.

  “What are you thinking?” she asked.

  “I can’t believe it’s almost been a year,” I said. “It still feels like it was only yesterday that she gave me permission to ask her to marry me.”

  I explained that despite the happy times we’d had, the memory of Phoebe leavin’ me was the strongest one that played in my mind. It was as fresh as ever and sometimes it was only thing I saw when I closed my eyes.

  “Will the pain ever go away, do you think?” Angel asked, her voice quiet and full of the tears that threatened to fall.

  “I don’t know if it will,” I admitted. “Not completely.”

  “I meant to say thank you for bringing me here. I feel closer to Phoebe when I’m able to share some of the things she loved.”

  I didn’t know if she meant the Lake Retreat or me. I didn’t ask either. Instead, I just enjoyed the sensation of havin’ her beside me. Everythin’ was gonna be easier with her at my side.

  CHAPTER THIRTY: AGAIN

  ANGEL’S HAND CAME onto my chest, her fingers lightly tracin’ the outline of the tattoo I had of Phoebe. I closed my eyes and relaxed into the sensation. My whole attention was so focused on the touch that I hadn’t noticed Angel had moved until her lips pressed against mine—feather-light at first but growin’ bolder as I responded.

  Keepin’ my eyes closed, I lifted my hand to caress her cheek. It was everythin’ I remembered from our accidental kiss years earlier. So similar and yet so different to kissin’ Phoebe.

  As all the emotions boiled over within me, I was overwhelmed with passion coursin’ through me. When I grew breathless from our kiss, I opened my eyes and rolled over so I could get Angel beneath me.

  For one moment, I paused to ground myself in her presence. The short waves of her honey-blonde hair splayed on the pillow behind her and her emerald irises shone as she looked up at me.

  “Dang, you’re so beautiful,” I murmured before bringin’ my lips to her throat. As my mouth explored, one hand found her body. I traced paths down her side. Each time my hands found her breasts, she thrust her hips forward. Her legs parted and my body nestled against her. I’d missed bein’ with a woman, but I’d had trouble imaginin’ experiencin’ it with anyone other than Phoebe. Now though, Angel filled my every sense.

  My fingers found the hem of her shirt and I pushed it up to reveal her stomach. Even though she hadn’t modeled fulltime in years, her body was shapely and made my mouth water. I pushed her shirt higher, and she lifted off the bed to allow me to remove it entirely.

  Without pausin’, I undid the fastenin’ on her jeans and pulled them off as well.

  I sat back on my knees, starin’ at her, the sight of her stole my breath away.

  “Wow,” I said as my gaze traveled from her eyes, over her red lace bra, down to her lacy thong. Placin’ my hands on her side, I dragged her closer to me—liftin’ her hips up to allow me access to her hips. My fingers kneaded her ass as I guided her hips up and down over my groin.

  “Fuck, Beau.” She made a sound in the back of her throat that went straight to my groin before reachin’ for the back of my neck, drawin’ my face to hers. When she kissed me again, every thought focused on her.

  I wrapped my arms around her body, restin’ against her back. As we kissed, I lifted her up so that she was sittin’ in my lap and I had access to her body. With a li’l movement, I shifted my legs so that they were beneath her.

  My lips left hers and trailed down the column of her throat to her collarbone. She tipped her head back and another throaty sound left her.

  She wrapped her arms around my neck and leaned back further, grantin’ me complete access to her lace-covered chest. “I want you, Beau. I’ve dreamed of this so many times.”

  My mouth found the top of her breast, where it spilled out over the top of her bra. As I tasted her skin, my arms encircled her waist and my fingers played with the clasp on her back. Once it was undone, I drew the straps down her arms. She sat forward long enough for me to remove it completely.

  I tossed it to the side of the room and she pressed tightly against me.

  “Dang, I’ve missed this,” I murmured as my lips found her shoulder again.

  “What?”

  “Holdin’ a pretty lady tight. Showin’ her how much I care with my hands”—I ran my fingertips down her spine—“my mouth”—I placed an open-mouthed kiss on her shoulder—“and my tongue”—I traced my tongue over her lips.

  She whimpered before lettin’ her desire spill over into a kiss. She sucked my tongue into her mouth, and the sensation ran straight down to my cock.

  I pushed her back down onto the bed and kissed down her throat. My hands ghosted over her collarbone before droppin’ lower and caressin’ her breasts. Every new place I touched, a new sound left her. She was responsive to my touch in a way I hadn’t experienced in years.

  Draggin’ my lips down her body, I took one of her breasts into my mouth before movin’ on to the other. Her nipples stiffened with my ministrations and she moaned as she pressed her hips against me.

  “Beau?”

  “Yeah, sweetness?”

  She was almost breathless. “You can be a little bit, uh, rougher. If you like.”

  “What?”

  “I know what things were like when you were with Phoebe the first time, but I know you had to reel it back in after everything that happened to her.” Angel blinked up at me. “You don’t have to hold back with me. I’m not breakable.”

  Angel’s words spoke to the places inside of me that had pinned Phoebe to the bed in the hotel our first night together. That had taken her from behind durin’ the time we spent at my house durin’ her first holiday.

  I grabb
ed Angel’s hands and pinned them over her head before claimin’ her mouth again. She gave a moan and bucked her hips.

  When she bucked, I ground against her, earnin’ a moan. “Let me know if I hurt—”

  She cut me off with a kiss. “Harder.”

  I pulled away from her.

  “Don’t stop!” She followed me. “I’m sorry if I—”

  I pressed my fingers to her lips.

  “Relax, sweetness. I ain’t stoppin’. I’m just doin’ this.” I peeled her thong down her legs and resettled myself over her waist.

  I kissed her stomach and then made my way down to her thighs.

  Angel’s hands reached for my hair, curlin’ into my locks as my tongue found its way to the apex of her thighs. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

  She bucked her hips and I slipped my tongue over her clit. Her hold on my hair tightened.

  I reached for her hands, and pinned them at her side. The position sent a rush of desire and power racin’ through me. I kissed her harder. The taste of her was different—a li’l sweeter than I was used to. I buried my tongue in deeper to experience more of it.

  Angel bucked and moaned beneath me, fightin’ the hold I had on her hands, but not in a way that made me think she wanted me to let go. When I reduced the weight on her palms, she whined and whispered, “No. Harder.”

  I took my time explorin’ her body with my tongue, but when I had her near the edge, I released one of her hands so that I could add my fingers to the mix.

  “Beau, oh, God, Beau!”

  I curled two fingers inside her as I stroked her clit with my tongue. It wasn’t long before her legs shook and her breath stopped.

  “Oh my God!” The words ran together in one long moan as her body released, quiverin’ and pulsin’ around my fingers.

  She dropped her head back against the pillow and pressed free her hand to her forehead.

  Releasin’ her other hand, I kissed my way back up her body.

  “Beau?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I have never had anyone who was that good the first time,” she whispered before laughing.