Happily Ever Awkward

by T. L. Callies

  “No need for thanks,” she told him sarcastically.

  Paul ran forward to help her stand, but Laura batted his hands away. “Don’t touch. I can do it myself.”

  “What… what happened here?” Paul asked.

  “What do you think? I walked in and he did that to me.” Laura indicated the outline of her floating body chalked onto the wall. “Then he took Luscious and they flew off to see the pirates on Treasury Island. After that he promised to ‘take her to the full moon and beyond.’ I thought I was going to gag.”

  “The full moon,” Paul repeated. Something about the full moon bounced around his head in search of a blank to fill. A moment later it snapped perfectly into place, and Paul wheeled toward the courier in horror. “Isn’t… isn’t the full moon the time when Shadow Wizards perform… you know… their sacrifices?”

  All the color drained from the courier’s face, much as the bedchamber doors had drained from their doorway. “Merciful gods, you’re right! And the full moon is only a few days away! We must get you a ship — there may still be time to catch Seeboth before they reach Treasury Island!”

  Without looking, the courier shoved Paul toward the doorway, only to slam him directly into the imposing figure of Emperor Duncan. The emperor’s eyes were red from tears. Paul had never imagined that such a great conqueror and leader could look so weak.

  “Emperor!” bowed the courier.

  Everyone else bowed as well.

  The emperor took Paul’s hand and squeezed it. Squeezed it with the strength of desperate helplessness. “I beg of you, save the life of my daughter.” The emperor’s voice sounded as if it were grinding gravel. “Save her and she shall be yours. Fail her… and you shall be mine.” The emperor squeezed Paul’s hand one last time, this time with the painful strength of a threat. He needed say no more.

  The courier bustled Paul from the room.

  Laura hadn’t realized her mouth had been hanging open until words started to crawl out. “Um… did someone say ‘sacrifices’?”

  15

  RED CARNATIONS

  Down at the docks of Theandrea where a sleazy tavern squatted along the bustling waterfront, a rather sordid history was about to catch up to its protagonist.

  “You look like you could use a drink,” he said.

  Then he said, “Name’s Bravado. Jack Bravado. Captain of the Sargasso Sphinx.”

  The man who called himself Jack Bravado perched roguishly at the bar. Tousled, tanned, and clad in a billowy tunic and a very fine pair of boots, the swaggering egomaniac and part-time swashbuckler attempted to sweet-talk a buxom serving girl as she cleared empty mugs from a table nearby.

  Behind them, an unruly collection of sea scum huddled over drinks in the darkness.

  “Yeah, that’s right,” he continued. “I’m a captain. Got my own ship.”

  Two pirate thugs who wore filthy pantaloons, sweeping hats, and ragged longcoats — each with a single red carnation tucked into the lapel — sauntered up on either side and tapped Jack Bravado on the shoulder.

  “We been lookin’ fer you, matey,” said the first thug.

  “That’s great, you found me,” Jack Bravado said without taking his eyes from the serving girl. It was time to unleash his finishing move. “So, darlin’, I was thinking maybe we could sail a few uncharted territories together—”

  That finished things all right. She threw a half-empty mug of stale ale in his face before storming off to the kitchen.

  “Right. Next time, then!” Jack called after her, wiping his face on his sleeve. Then he wheeled angrily on the two pirates. “Thanks a lot! You completely threw off my rhythm.”

  Dumbstruck, the pirates just stared at him.

  “Don’t ya know who we are?” asked the second pirate.

  “Hey, if you’re looking for a prophetic seer, Sister Blister is two doors down,” Jack said. “If you’re looking for a swashbuckling hero—”

  “We be pirates, you moron!” barked the first thug, sinking his hook hand into the bar.

  Jack wiped his eyes more carefully this time and took a closer look. Recognition turned his eyes and his mouth into a trio of comical Os and he slowly edged away.

  “Ah, right. The whole hook thing, there.”

  “You know why we’re here, Bravado,” said the second thug. “You’re a loose end with a big mouth.”

  The first pirate pried his hook from the bar and rounded on Jack. “Time to shut yer blowhole, lubber.”

  Jack flashed a winning smile that completely failed to mask his nervous laugh. “No need for that, fellas. My blowhole is puckered plenty tight right now, trust me. Besides, no one listens to my crazy old theories.” When the pirates failed to respond, Jack added, “Right. So… are you guys alone?”

  At that point, the entire bar turned in tandem. Every single patron wore a red carnation tucked in their lapel.

  “Don’t give us no trouble, Bravado,” growled the second thug.

  “Don’t suppose I could ask for the same courtesy…?” Jack asked.

  Elsewhere along the docks, a huge lion stared Paul directly in the face. Upon closer inspection, though, its un-lionness became more readily apparent, and its utter Sphinxness began to shine through.

  The Sphinx in question formed the figurehead of a strange, double-masted ship. To be fair, the ship was not so much strange as it was simply absurd. The entirety of the craft resembled a Sphinx crouched upon the water. Massive port and starboard paws rested on the gently lapping waves. Stenciled across the prow of the ship was its name, the Sargasso Sphinx.

  Paul shook his head in defeat. “A Singing Sword, now this…”

  Insulted, the Sword bounced in the scabbard at Paul’s hip. “I don’t need to take this abuse,” said the mouth sculpted into its pommel, and then it began to sing.

  LA-LA-LA-

  I’m-not-listening-to-you-anymore-

  LA-LA-LA-

  I-can’t-hear-you-

  LA-LA-LA—

  Paul clamped a hand over the Sword’s mouth but only managed to muffle the sound into a kind of kazoo-like buzz.

  The courier checked some papers in his hand. “The Sargasso Sphinx is on retainer with the Lottery. Unfortunately, it’s the only ship they have in port at the moment. Apparently this is peak questing season.”

  Tentatively, Paul climbed up the gangplank and mounted the deck.

  “Hello? Captain? Um… ahoy?”

  No response.

  Something the courier had said suddenly came back to Paul. “Why is it ‘unfortunate’?”

  The courier made a strange face before proceeding. “The captain, he’s not what one would call… entirely stable. He suffers from conspiracy fantasies. Thinks someone is out to get him. But please, don’t worry. The man knows how to pilot a ship. Let me go look for him. I’m sure he’s on his way.”

  At that precise moment, Jack Bravado was on his way through the front window of the tavern, accompanied by a shower of broken glass and an angry mob of cutlass-wielding pirates.

  Left alone on the ship, Paul poked his head down the hatch. “Hello?”

  Still no reply.

  He pivoted back toward the deck, only to come face to face with Laura the Handmaiden. Startled, he stumbled backward and fell down the hatch with a crash.

  As Laura followed him, she couldn’t help but say, “Luscious, I think you’re in trouble.”

  Paul had landed in the captain’s cabin, a spacious but neglected room. Maps, diagrams, and news-scroll clippings completely plastered the walls, titles screaming from the pages in lurid calligraphy.

  WHITETHORNE SLAIN IN BATTLE

  CHIVALRY IS DEAD!

  SHIELD TRIBUNAL CONCLUDES: LONE ARCHER!

  While Paul untangled himself from a pile of dirty laundry at the foot of the stairs, Laura paused and observed him from the bottom step.

  “You know, you really don’t act like a prince,” she said.

  “You… you startled me,” Paul replied.

  �
��Luscious deserves so much better than this,” she said.

  Paul couldn’t disagree with her. He also couldn’t meet her eyes. Unwrapping a pair of long underwear from his leg, he asked, “Um… what are you doing here?”

  “I’m coming along,” she said. Now it was her turn to look away. “You see — this is a little embarrassing — but this whole thing may be my fault…”

  Jack Bravado skidded around a warehouse at the far end of the dock and ran smack into the courier.

  “Bravado!” cried the courier. “At last, there you are—”

  “Hi, Bob!” Jack said, grabbing the man’s arm and dragging him along. “I’m kinda in a hurry. There’s this gang of pirates right behind me trying to kill me—”

  The courier named Bob had heard it all before. He ran beside Jack and shoved a scroll into his hands. “No time for your paranoid babbling, Bravado! Emergency charter from the Lottery. The emperor’s daughter was kidnapped and the emperor wants you—”

  That stopped Jack in his tracks, and he looked Bob square in the face. “Me? Why? Has he forgiven me?”

  “Well, no, not exactly,” said Bob. “It’s a suicide Quest.”

  “Oh,” said Jack, and he started to run again.

  A short distance ahead, the Sargasso Sphinx rocked peacefully in its berth.

  The courier raced to catch up. “But if by some miracle you survive and help save Luscious, the emperor will reinstate you — Knight of the Oblong Shield, First Class!”

  “And… if I refuse?”

  “He’ll feed you to his Dragon. After feeding you to his lions. After feeding you to his dogs—”

  Skittering to a stop at the bottom of the gangplank, Jack said, “Sounds like we still have a few issues to work out. But, I’ll do it.”

  “Do you hear something?” the courier asked.

  A moment later, a tidal wave of pirates exploded onto the dock behind them.

  Jack dashed up the gangplank and kicked it into the water. “I gotta go now, Bob. Take care — and maybe take cover!”

  Leaping aboard the Sphinx, Jack triggered a counterweight that set into motion a complicated contraption whose convolutions eventually hoisted the mainsail.

  The pirates pounded across the dock, just fifty yards away.

  Jack waved at them then swung his sword to sever the mooring line in one flamboyant slash.

  But the blade glanced off the taut, heavy rope.

  The pirates thundered closer.

  Jack swung his sword again.

  Closer.

  And again, and again, and again!

  The pirates’ tattoos became legible before the rope finally snapped and the boat lurched from the dock.

  Down in the captain’s cabin, the sudden motion toppled Paul and Laura into a compromising tangle on a hammock.

  The Sphinx eased out into the harbor, but the furious pirates flung their bodies after her. Jack batted most of them away with an oar, but one of them managed to catch the ship’s railing. One whack of the oar upon his fingers and the marauder dropped with a SPLASH!

  “Ha! And my blowhole is still open!” Jack taunted.

  A throwing dagger whistled past his face and thunked into the mast, right beside his head.

  Slightly less cocky than he’d been a moment before, Jack ducked for cover just as Laura burst from below, Paul right on her heels. Oblivious to their presence, Jack scanned behind the ship with a telescope. He did not like what he saw.

  What he saw was the pirates wheeling a huge cannon onto the dock.

  “Hey—” Laura said.

  Startled, Jack jumped and pivoted wildly with his sword. More startled, Paul jumped and stumbled down the stairs again.

  “Don’t worry,” Laura said. “He does that all the time.”

  When Jack realized he was facing a woman, he relaxed. “Oh, sorry, my mistake. I thought you were pirates.” He sheathed his sword. “He must be the Prince Charming. Are you his wench or something?”

  “Wench?!” Laura cried. “Who are you calling wench?!”

  Jack frantically secured more sails. “Hey, there’s no need for hostility. I wasn’t using the term in a negative sense—”

  “What other sense is—look out!”

  Laura pointed at a massive central pillar supporting a bridge that stretched over the harbor’s mouth. They were racing straight toward a collision.

  “Can you hold this? Thanks.” Jack shoved a rope into her hands and lunged for the wheel.

  Whatever was on the other end of the rope hoisted Laura straight into the air.

  As Jack spun the wheel, the Sphinx listed hard to starboard. Its paw barely scraped past the pillar, and the ship left more than a few wood shavings behind. Once clear of the obstruction, Jack ran and grabbed Laura’s legs, pulling her back down as Paul once again peeked up from below.

  Laura kicked and squirmed. “Don’t touch!”

  “Sorry, my mistake,” Jack said, releasing her as if she were a scalding hot skillet.

  Laura catapulted into the rigging.

  Jack turned and shook Paul’s hand while running past him to ride a boom arm into place. “You must be the prince.”

  “Yes,” Paul said. “Um, hello. I’m Prince Paul… of Lilypine.”

  “Jack Bravado, captain of the Sargasso Sphinx,” Jack said. “So, who’s the wench—” he started to say, but then he caught himself. “—ah, your companion?”

  “Laura!” she called down from her perch on the mast. “But I’m not his companion!”

  Jack ran back to the helm and swept the dock with his telescope again. This time he saw a lit fuse.

  “I apologize for the hasty departure and all, but we’re… outrunning a little turbulence.”

  He spun the wheel again and heaved the Sphinx behind the bridge’s pillar just as—

  BOOM!

  The cannon blast echoed across the waves and the cannonball struck the pillar dead center, spraying chunks of ancient stone and clouds of ancient dust.

  “And… we’re… safe!” Jack declared once he was certain his ship wasn’t exploding. When he noticed how his passengers were staring at him, he said, “Oh, don’t mind that. Happens all the time when you leave the Empire of Bridges behind — nothing out here but magic and outlaws. But don’t worry. This is my territory. I’ll take good care of you. Trust—”

  With a terrible roar, the pillar crumbled into the sea and the entire bridge collapsed behind them in a monumental chain reaction across the mouth of the harbor, effectively cutting off any pursuit. Paul and Laura gaped. It was quite a sight.

  “—me,” Jack finished, somewhat half-heartedly. Turning away from the destruction, he faced the open sea. “Well, all things considered, that worked out pretty well, if I do say so myself. Should be smooth sailing from here on out.”

  16

  THE MOODY SEA

  The sea churned around Seeboth’s Shadowship as purple clouds scudded across a green sky and spat pink lightning. In other circumstances, this would not have bothered Seeboth — in fact, he would have quite enjoyed it — but at the moment he was visiting Princess Luscious in her cell and attempting to pour her a glass of wine. His attempt met with failure when an unexpected jolt sloshed the wine all over Princess Luscious’ face.

  To say Seeboth was mortified would have been a gross understatement.

  To say Seeboth planned to mortify someone else for this would have been far more accurate.

  “Excuse me, my precious,” Seeboth said through gritted teeth. “I have a storm to deal with.”

  He whirled from the cell and sealed the door behind him.

  Left alone, Princess Luscious parted her dripping bangs only to find Rupert the Rat once again leaning against the wall. She once again sprang onto the bench.

  “Why can’t you horrid beasts leave me alone?” she cried. “Go away!”

  Rupert shook his pointy little face and sauntered forward.

  SHRIEK!

  The ship abruptly heaved and the harsh motion
tore the shelves from the wall. Rupert dove to the side, but the shelves crashed onto his tail, pinning him to the floor.

  “Ha! Serves you right!” Princess Luscious said. “When Seeboth returns, he’ll take care of you!”

  Princess Luscious had never seen pure terror before, but as she looked down into Rupert’s eyes, she was pretty sure that was precisely what she was seeing there.

  Demog the Terror stood rock steady on the storm-tossed deck as Seeboth emerged from below. The wizard grabbed the Terror’s arm for support as they crossed through the gale.

  “My lord, we have no time for this!” Demog yelled above the shrieking wind. “We’re being pursued! The ship can fly — lift us above this storm and we can reach Treasury Island in half the time!”

  “In case you hadn’t noticed, I am seducing a princess back there!” Seeboth sputtered through the driving rain. “I must fall in love with her for the sacrifice to achieve full potency, and a moonlight cruise is part of my strategy!”

  “I would think the typhoon might be something of a mood killer!”

  “Not for long!”

  With a very unprincesslike grunt, Princess Luscious heaved the shelves up just enough for Rupert to slip free then leaped back on the bench quicker than a lightning strike.

  Rupert cradled his bruised tail and looked up at her, humbled.

  “Go on!” she said, shooing him away with her hands. “Go! Just go!”

  Rupert nodded and bowed back into his hole.

  “Rats,” thought Princess Luscious, sagging against the wall until the purple mold growled at her again. “Why can’t it ever be puppies?”

  Seeboth’s puppies swirled about his feet as the wizard stormed into his cabin and gestured at the large mirror. The reflection twisted and bent until it took the shape of a beautiful, curvaceous woman whose body was composed entirely of rippling water, with hair made of clouds and eyes that flashed like lightning. She spoke.