Happily Ever Awkward

by T. L. Callies

  Alone in her cell, Princess Luscious slumped on the bench. She was bored. The growling of the purple mold no longer bothered her; at least it acknowledged her presence. She realized she would have welcomed even the company of Rupert the Rat at that point, but the rodent had not returned since she’d freed him during the storm.

  Being kidnapped was not nearly as fun or adventurous as she had hoped. She was still too young to grasp that the magic of love involved a lot of hard work, compromise, and disappointment, and that, optimally, it should not involve kidnapping.

  A key scraped in the door’s lock.

  Princess Luscious sprang to her feet. She attempted to smooth the wrinkles from her gown and fluff her hair into some semblance of order, but her attempts did little more than completely fail to achieve anything other than a basic scruffiness. Still, she didn’t care, not if it meant she could leave that cell and experience something exciting.

  The door swung wide…

  “Do I finally get to meet the pirates?” she asked.

  …and revealed Laura standing in its opening.

  “Luscious!” Laura gasped in relief. “Thank Jahalael you’re all right!”

  “Laura?” Confusion and shock crashed together inside the mind of Princess Luscious and left her face jumbled in a mishmash of conflicting expressions. “What are you doing here?!”

  “I’m here to rescue you! Come on!” She grabbed the princess by the hand and pulled her toward the door, but Princess Luscious resisted.

  “You’re here to rescue me? Laura, I’m not that kind of princess!”

  “You don’t understand—”

  Princess Luscious ripped her hand from Laura’s grip and stepped back into her cell. “I won’t let you ruin this for me. I’ll go when my Prince Charming arrives!”

  “Listen to me!” Laura said. “You’re in danger! I was angry, and I changed your ad!”

  “I don’t care. It still worked, didn’t it? I was right! And he’s so powerful—”

  “No, it didn’t work! He’s a Shadow Wizard! He’s going to sacrifice you!”

  With renewed urgency, Laura grabbed the princess and dragged her out the door.

  Said Shadow Wizard was currently prowling around Paul in the heart of Captain Head’s throne room. He had a distasteful look on his face.

  “Let me get this straight,” he said. “The Lottery sent you, a timid, neophyte Prince Charming from a backwater kingdom, without any backup or even a proper magical weapon—”

  “Hey!” squeaked the Singing Sword.

  “—to stop me, Lord of Shadows, commander of the undead, master of Terrors, essentially the most powerful dark magician in the world, from sacrificing Princess Luscious?”

  Hearing it said like that, Paul had to admit it sounded a little ridiculous, but he replied, “Um, well… yes.”

  “I think I’m actually insulted,” Seeboth said.

  “Those… those are the rules,” Paul added, because he had to say something. He was facing the Villain — definitely a Class Six Confrontation — and a Prince Charming could never let the Villain have the last word.

  “That’s the problem with the forces of good — always playing by the rules,” Captain Head observed.

  “Shall I slay him now?” Demog asked.

  Before Seeboth could answer, Paul suddenly spun and wrestled Judgment from Captain Head’s hand. He leaped back and brandished it wildly, swinging it from one target to the next as he edged toward the door.

  “Stay back! You… knaves! I… you’ll not use this sacred blade to touch a single… one hair on the head of Princess Luscious!”

  Seeboth drummed his fingers impatiently on Demog’s leather shoulder plate.

  “Don’t… don’t force me to… to… you know… slay you!”

  “You’re not very good at this, are you,” Seeboth said.

  Paul opened his mouth to say something else but realized the only word left in his reservoir was RUN, so he did, sprinting out the doors and slamming them behind him.

  Demog cocked his head toward his master. “My lord, may I?”

  Seeboth nodded.

  Springing twenty feet across the room in a single leap, Demog smashed the doors from their hinges. He tumbled across the hallway beyond, ricocheted off a wall, and then bounded after the retreating prince.

  Jack’s retreat took a much more leisurely pace. While the sleazy pirate continued to question him, Jack nonchalantly untied his ship’s mooring line.

  The pirate had leaned back against the mast and was tapping his scabby cheek in contemplation. “I don’t know… just somethin’ strange about you, mate.”

  He turned and bumped into a dagger embedded in the mast. Squinting at it, he said, “’Ey! My brother has a throwin’ knife just like this. Took it up north to do a contract on some scurvy sailor… who saw…”

  The pieces finally clacked together behind the pirate’s eyes. Snatching the bandages from Jack’s head, he scowled at Jack then scowled at the wanted posters.

  At Jack.

  At the posters.

  Jack.

  Posters.

  “You!”

  While the pirate was busy swinging his face back in Jack’s direction, Jack was busy swinging a wooden peg into the pirate’s face. With a WHACK and a SPLASH, the sleazy pirate toppled overboard. As other pirates took notice and started running closer to investigate, Jack shoved an ornate lever forward and caused something amazing to happen.

  The Sargasso Sphinx transformed!

  The jaw of the Sphinx masthead splashed open with a mechanical roar to reveal a front-mounted paddle wheel that spun up and began to drive the ship forward, scraping the hull along the side of the dock as it did so. The ship’s two paws cranked into immediate motion as well, each reaching forward to scoop the water, faster and faster, and the Sphinx lurched out into the grotto.

  Although it looked ridiculous, this ship that paddled its way to freedom like a desperate dog paddling after a stick, one had to admit it was far more dependable than the wind.

  Across the grotto, Laura dragged Princess Luscious onto the deck of the Dawnslayer just as the Sphinx stroked away from the dock. Laura never stopped to question the absurdity of what she was seeing, for all she could see at that moment was her getaway ship getting away without her.

  “Wait! Where are you going?! Jack!” She raced to the end of the Shadowship and desperately tried to flag him down.

  “I can’t believe you did this to me!” Princess Luscious said, her royal rage manifesting itself in the stamping of her foot and the balling of her fists.

  “I said I was sorry!” Laura replied. “How was I supposed to know Shadow Wizards sacrifice princesses? I’m a handmaiden, remember? They don’t teach us about wizards! Besides, you started this — you’re the one who made Squeaker cry!”

  “Squeaker?” Princess Luscious couldn’t have been more confused had an army of Dwarves suddenly assaulted her with a stack of forms to be signed and sealed in triplicate. “Who’s Squeaker?”

  “Never mind! You should just be thanking me for rescuing you,” Laura said as she cast a critical eye up and down the princess. “Captivity does not suit you, Luscious.”

  That shocked Princess Luscious back into the moment. “What — you mean I don’t look good?”

  All along the dock, Laura could see pirates launching longboats to pursue the Sargasso Sphinx. She had to admit things weren’t looking good, and rescuing a princess was not as easy as she had initially thought it would be. While she tried to figure out what to do, she saw Paul skitter down the steps of the coral palace, look around in confusion for a moment, then start racing along the dock in her direction. Fortunately, the pirates were all too focused on the escaping Sphinx to notice him.

  Laura grabbed Princess Luscious and dragged her down the gangplank. When the princess resisted, Laura urged, “Come on! He’s coming!”

  “Who?” Princess Luscious asked, heaving them to a stop at the bottom of the plank.

&n
bsp; “Paul!” Laura said.

  Seeing the blank stare on Princess Luscious’ face, Laura added, “Your Prince Charming?”

  Horrified, Princess Luscious wrenched her arm free and ran up the gangplank before kicking it into the water to strand Laura on the dock.

  “Oh my gods, where are you going?!” Laura cried.

  “I don’t want him to see me like this!” Princess Luscious said. “I’ve got to fix my hair — it will just take a minute. Send him to rescue me when he gets here!”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Luscious! This isn’t a game!”

  But Princess Luscious had already run back to her cell. She had trained her entire life to be rescued, and she wasn’t about to look poorly for this moment, the most important thing a princess would ever do.

  Laura turned back toward the dock. Paul had nearly reached her when a blur of leather streaked from the palace, pounced from the dock, rebounded from the grotto wall, and landed in a crouch between the prince and the handmaiden.

  It was Demog.

  If you’ve been paying any attention to this story at all, you already knew that.

  The Demon laughed as Paul skidded into a tentative fighting stance.

  “By all means,” he chuckled. “Please try.”

  Paul hefted the Judgment Blade. Then he hesitated. Yet again, he hesitated, for who was he to fight a Demon?

  “I have no patience for cowards,” Demog snarled.

  The Terror sprang at Paul, his talons flashing like a handful of daggers. Paul retreated — though some might say he stumbled over his own feet and staggered backward — but somehow managed to block the Demon’s whirlwind attack with a series of parries that lit up the air with blossoms of blue sparks.

  “Give me the sword!” Demog roared.

  As Paul whirled past the Terror’s ferocious lunge, he struck a glancing blow that completely failed to draw blood, for truth be told, a Demon like Demog was incapable of bleeding; however, the strike sheared a leather strap from Demog’s shoulder and sent it sailing into Laura’s hands.

  Enraged, Demog launched himself at Paul with even greater fury and pinned the prince against the wall of the grotto. The fight would have ended right there with a single stroke of the Terror’s ruthless claws had Laura not pounced upon his back.

  “Leave him alone!” she screamed.

  Neither her words nor her weight impressed Demog. Shoving Paul to the side, he spun about and smashed Laura against the cavern wall, stunning her. Demog didn’t care whether he first blooded his claws in the neck of the handmaiden or in that of the prince — his claws would get to them all eventually. In this instance, it appeared to be ladies first. The Demon took a moment to savor the fear in Laura’s eyes as he gave her a long lingering look at the talons with which he was about to slash her.

  “Hey you! Catch!”

  Demog looked toward Paul’s voice in time to see the prince hurl the Judgment Blade toward the grotto. Remembering his primary mission — to recover the weapon his master had come there to claim — the Demon released Laura and sprang at an impossible speed to an improbable height whereupon he caught the sword in midair. He landed on the very edge of the dock, but the added weight of the sword caused him to totter precariously.

  “Now — catch this!”

  Laura had run to the crane and swung the cannon suspended from it, ramming the metal tube into Demog’s chest like a sucker punch from a Giant. The impact was quite significant — even Demog was forced to appreciate the strength of it — and it launched him halfway across the harbor in a spectacular flailing arc.

  He vanished beneath the water in a less-than-spectacular splash.

  Panting from both his battle and the fear coursing through his veins, Paul hurried to Laura’s side. “We’ve got to go—”

  “No! Luscious is right in there!” She started dragging another gangplank toward the Shadowship. “She’s fixing her hair for you!”

  Paul glanced behind them. All he could see was a screaming horde of pirates approaching as only a screaming horde can. As if the horde wasn’t bad enough, Seeboth and Captain Head had just emerged from the palace as well. Even from this distance, Paul could see the pirate king staring in shock at the retreating Sphinx and could hear his bellow echo across the grotto — “Bravado?!”

  “Now is not a good time,” Paul said. “Come on!”

  Ignoring Laura’s protests, Paul kicked the release lever on the winch then hurled both himself and Laura onto the cannon. Their momentum swung the crane in a wide arc, sweeping them over a neighboring pirate ship — where they narrowly avoided tangled rigging, hurled daggers, and the hands of grasping pirates — before whipping out above the harbor.

  SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!

  The paws of the Sargasso Sphinx clawed through the water, heading directly beneath them. At the last moment, Paul let go of the cannon and sent Laura and himself toppling onto its deck.

  Jack spun the wheel toward the mouth of the grotto. “You made it! Good! Take this!”

  He dove to the mast and began winding his bandages around the dagger still embedded there. The abandoned wheel spun lazily and the Sphinx skewed starboard. Paul stood frozen, staring back and forth between the wheel and the pursuing longboats full of very angry pirates.

  Disgusted, Laura swooped in and grabbed the wheel, wrenching them back on course.

  Jack, meanwhile, had finished knotting the bandages around the dagger’s blade and began striking sparks onto them with a flint and steel.

  “What are you doing?” Laura asked.

  A corkscrew of smoke curled from the bandage. Jack fanned it into a flame, pried the dagger free, and hurried aft with his blazing skewer.

  “Hurry up!” he called.

  “Hurry up?” Laura repeated. “What do you want me to do? Get out and push?!”

  The Sphinx pumped through the mouth of the grotto, passing the array of cannons and the barrels of black powder stacked alongside them. Already, pirates raced to swing the weapons in their direction.

  “Gonna be close,” Jack muttered, weighing the blade in his hand, and then he hurled it.

  The dagger thudded into one of the barrels, its orange flame licking at the wood.

  “We gotta get out of here!” Jack cried, racing back to the wheel and shoving Laura aside.

  The fleet of longboats stroked nearer, near enough that the pirates craned forward and readied their grappling hooks.

  “There’s no need to shove!” Laura told Jack indignantly. “Besides, what are you doing that I wasn’t doing?”

  Truth be told, he wasn’t doing anything differently at all.

  At that moment, the flames found a trail of black powder that had leaked from the barrel’s spout and sizzled up its side.

  The cannons took aim.

  The first of the grappling hooks grabbed hold of the ship’s railing.

  “Come on come on come on!” Jack urged.

  Actually, that was the one thing Jack did that Laura did not do. He talked to his ship, and maybe, just maybe, she responded to it. The Sphinx appeared to surge forward out of the skull’s mouth, just as…

  …the barrel burst into flame and exploded!

  Fire washed along the jawbone of the grotto’s mouth and caused the next barrel of black powder to explode, and then the next, and the next, until the inferno worked its way from one side of the mouth to the other like one great, hellish smile. The entire mouth collapsed, sealing off the grotto and scattering the pursuing longboats.

  Safely beyond the surging flames, the cascades of rubble, and the swirls of dust, the Sargasso Sphinx rode out the shockwaves and danced toward the sun with Jack’s triumphant voice rising above the destruction.

  “And my blowhole is still open!”

  22

  ONE BUCKLE

  The Judgment Blade broke the surface of the grotto, followed by Demog’s ugly, wrinkled face. Massive chunks of stone plunged from the ceiling and splashed into the water all around him, but he didn’t care. His enc
ounter with the prince had left him in a foul mood.

  Likewise ignoring the chaos of the collapsing grotto, Seeboth levitated onto the Shadowship. At his command, the ship’s wings enfolded it like a shadowy umbrella, shielding it from the plummeting rubble.

  Princess Luscious peeked out from below deck. “Oh, it’s you,” she said, the expectant smile vanishing from her face. “I was expecting a Prince Charming.”

  “Him?” Seeboth asked. “He’s gone.”

  She gasped. “You killed him?!”

  “No, he’s just gone. Ran away.” He glanced at her and smiled. “You look beautiful, my love. Have you done something with your hair?”

  “Don’t try to sweet-talk me,” Princess Luscious said. Something in her voice had changed; Seeboth could hear it. “Are you a Shadow Wizard?” she asked.

  “Only the most feared Shadow Wizard in the world,” he said with no small measure of pride.

  She slapped him.

  He was a little taken aback. “I… I don’t understand. What’s the matter, dearest—”

  “Don’t you ‘dearest’ me!” she said. “Are you planning to sacrifice me?!”

  “Well, of course,” he stammered. “I thought that’s what you wanted—”

  “Are you a lunatic?! What woman wants to be sacrificed?!”

  Down on the dock, pirates had begun to gather, and now they began to snicker.

  Seeboth tried to urge the princess back to her cell. “Please, honey, not in front of the pirates—”

  “You monster!” Princess Luscious cried. “It’s no wonder you have to find damsels in personal ads!”

  The pirates laughed louder, approaching the level of actual guffaws.

  By that point, Demog had heaved himself, wet and dripping, onto the dock. He looked from the pirates to his master and asked, “My lord, shall I?”

  “Please do,” Seeboth said.