Happily Ever Awkward

by T. L. Callies

  “I cannot bear her hatred!”

  Demog sighed. “My lord, I must confess — love is a mystery to me. However, I understand that mortal women are happier when eating. Perhaps a romantic dinner—”

  “Brilliant!” Seeboth declared, pouncing on the suggestion. “Begin the preparations at once!”

  “You realize she may not be inclined to dine with you at the moment…”

  Seeboth dismissed the Demon’s concerns with a wave of his hand. “Then stop feeding her until then! She’ll eat with me whether she wants to or not!”

  Jeremy the Zombie shut Princess Luscious in a dank cell that was virtually identical to her cell on the Shadowship, the only differences being that it was slightly larger, made of stone, and included a skeleton chained to the wall as part of its decorating scheme.

  “Jeremy?” Princess Luscious called softly.

  The Zombie butler had already begun to drag himself away, but at the sound of her voice, he paused. “Urrr…” Glancing down the dismal hall to be sure the coast was clear, he stepped back and peeked through the barred window slit in the door. “Yes, my lady?”

  “Can… can you bring me something to eat?” she asked. “I’m terribly hungry.”

  “I… am not permitted, my lady. I am so very sorry.” A sound from the other end of the hallway caused him to turn his head at the speed of rigor mortis. Thirty seconds later he finally said, “I must go. Urrr…” And back in character, he shuffled off.

  KA-LATTER!

  Something had skittered within the rib cage of the skeleton. Startled, Princess Luscious returned her attention to the cell just as the skeleton’s old, desiccated joints abruptly gave way and it collapsed to the floor. Femurs and vertebra went tumbling. Dodging out of the way, the princess noticed a tiny shape moving through the wreckage of bones.

  It was Rupert the Rat.

  Without thinking, she began to crawl onto the bench mounted against the wall, but Rupert shook his head and held something out to her.

  It was a chunk of bread.

  Cautiously, Princess Luscious reached out and snatched it away before the rodent could do whatever horrible thing it might do to her. She retreated across the cell and began to nibble on the dry crust. At that moment in that place, it was the most delicious thing she had ever tasted.

  The rat stared at her with nothing but kindness and concern in its eyes.

  “Thank you,” Princess Luscious said, and she truly meant it. The rat in his little black longcoat had become her hero.

  Rupert backed away into the tangle of bones. His work there was done.

  “Wait!” Princess Luscious found herself saying. When Rupert stopped, she broke off a corner of the bread and held it out to him. “Will you… could you stay with me for a while?”

  Until that moment, Princess Luscious hadn’t known that a rat could smile.

  26

  FROLIC LIKE A FLITTERLING

  The sun literally smiled from the sky.

  Yes, I said “literally”, and I meant “literally”.

  It had a mouth, two eyes, and a nose, and its smile warmed the Sargasso Sphinx with a warm, friendly light.

  Mere moments before, the Sphinx had been sailing beneath a blazing sun on its approach to the island of Saraan-Vishta, home of the Flitterlings.

  “Okay people,” Jack had warned, “brace yourselves. Things are about to get weird.”

  The first evidence they had of crossing some kind of magical threshold was the aforementioned smiling sun.

  A short distance later, the sea became pink lemonade.

  Schools of tiny rainbows leaped from the pink waves in perfect little arcs on every side.

  Ahead of them, the island itself seemed to dance.

  “Can this be real?” Paul asked in amazement.

  “It’s Saraan-Vishta,” Jack said, as if that explained everything.

  “I feel like I’m dreaming,” Laura said dreamily.

  “Get used to it,” Jack replied. “You’re among the flitter folk now. They don’t play by our rules. Out here, magic doesn’t need to hide.”

  As the ship approached a swath of beach that appeared to consist entirely of glitter, a stone pier rose from the water to greet them. Once in place, a red carpet unrolled from one end to the other like a long, fuzzy tongue. Jack pulled alongside, Paul jumped down and tied off the mooring line, and they all stared at the festive island before them.

  Just across the beach stood what they had initially thought to be a thicket of giant mushrooms, but now that they were closer, they could see it was actually a town. Each of the mushrooms had been hollowed out and served as a shop or restaurant or salon of some sort, and glowing winged creatures darted everywhere.

  “Are Flitterlings dangerous?” Laura asked.

  The Flitterlings in view ranged in height from two to three feet, but their translucent wings stretched to nearly twice that when fully extended. With each flap, streaks of luminous green and blue flickered down their length. Though the wings looked as fragile as tissue paper, they easily supported the creatures’ weight and allowed them to zip and giggle merrily about the streets. They each had long fluttering eyelashes and beautiful flowing hair that swirled about their heads as if they were underwater. Shimmering tunics draped their slender figures like a magical breeze, light painted their lips and nails, and their eyes changed color to reflect their mood — at the moment, every eye in sight was the most fabulous shade of pink.

  All in all, Flitterlings looked slightly less threatening than a damp washcloth.

  “Dangerous,” Jack repeated. “What do you think?”

  Paul began to trudge along the red carpet. The Flitterlings may not have looked dangerous, but his stomach was churning nonetheless.

  “Wait here,” he said, though he wanted nothing more than for Jack and Laura to come with him.

  “I’ll take care of this,” he said, though he fully expected to fail as miserably as he always did.

  “Everything’s under control,” he said, though he felt his life had spun completely out of it.

  “Are you sure you don’t want any help?” Laura asked. “This was my idea, after all.”

  Of course he wanted her help! But that’s not what he said. “This is my H.E.A. It’s time I did something on my own to prove I deserve it.” He suspected it would not take very long at all for him to prove without a shadow of a doubt that he did not, in fact, deserve it, but what else could he do?

  Laura threw up her hands. “Fine. I guess even you ought to be able to handle some Flitterlings.”

  She turned back to the ship and ran into Jack, who was standing slightly too close behind her.

  “Well, all right,” he drawled. “Looks like we have the ship to ourselves.” He gave a suggestive wink.

  “You’d better have something in your eye,” Laura warned.

  Jack took a step back. “Um… glitter?”

  Laura nodded. “Good answer.”

  Jack rubbed his eye weakly as she plowed past him.

  “Yeah, she’s comin’ around,” he whispered to himself with a cocky smile.

  In other places and other times, Flitterlings have often been mistaken for the Fey folk, also known as Fairies. Such confusion is understandable, considering the similarities — the wings, the magic, the giggling.

  It is also a mistake.

  As previously pointed out, there is one major difference between Flitterlings and Fairies that makes it easy to tell them apart.

  Fairies are not real.

  Flitterlings, on the other hand, are absolutely real.

  If you doubt the reality of Flitterlings, stand in the forest beneath a full moon, drink a glass of soured milk while spinning in circles until you fall over, and then chant:

  Flitterling, flutterling,

  flooterly-floo,

  Flifferty, flufferty,

  foo-poo-foo-poo!

  Nothing will happen, of course, but the Flitterlings will thoroughly enjoy watching you make a fool of
yourself.

  Across the beach, Paul walked uncertainly toward the mushroom town. Flitterlings greeted him with singsong voices before flittering away as soon as he tried to ask any questions.

  A deer bounded beside him and nuzzled his hand.

  Poxies danced upon fountains of water that arced in graceful streams over the path. As Paul watched, one golden Poxie broke away from the others and buzzed around his face. The streamers of flitter dust trailing in its wake fluttered into clouds of golden butterflies.

  “What is the deal with Poxies and butterflies?” Paul mumbled as he swatted the insects away.

  “She likes you,” said a lilting voice behind him.

  Paul turned to find a giant inchworm rippling toward him. Its great, green segments squished and stretched as it made its way along the street and its puppy-dog face sniffed the air in Paul’s direction. At first glance Paul thought the inchworm had been the one who spoke to him, but then he noticed its rider perched upon a tiny leather saddle.

  A willowy Flitterling with radiant yellow hair sat astride the apex of the inchworm’s forward hump. His wings were folded behind his back to keep them out of the way, and a silver Poxie orbited him like a tiny moon.

  “What?” Paul found himself saying.

  “I said she likes you,” the Flitterling repeated.

  “Story of my life,” Paul said quietly. “Always the wrong species.”

  “Whoa!” said the Flitterling, reining his worm to a stop beside the prince. “You should be flattered, Man-Child of the Human-Spawning. Poxies don’t always take kindly to Men.”

  “You… you’re right,” Paul said. “I am flattered.”

  “Might I ask your name?”

  “I am Prince Paul of Hofnar. I come to Saraan-Vishta on a Quest.”

  “A Quest!” the Flitterling clapped his hands. “Dawns of forever-joy, how honored am I to meet an heroic prince mid-exploit!”

  “Thank you,” Paul said. He started to bow, but the inchworm stretched out its neck and nuzzled his face.

  “If I might be so bold, where are you going?” the Flitterling asked.

  “I… uh…” The inchworm smeared its long, friendly tongue across his face. “Ugh… I’m not entirely sure. I’m just… I’m a bit lost.”

  “Warm tingles of light, fortune smiles upon you!” exclaimed the Flitterling, bouncing up and down in his saddle. “I am Levondyth Spinner, sheriff of this realm!”

  The silver Poxie abruptly plunged from its orbit and crashed against Levondyth’s chest, splaying itself there like a silver star.

  “You’re the sheriff?” Paul asked as he smeared the inchworm’s slobber from his cheek. It had the pleasant aroma of mint.

  “I am, yes, I am!” said Levondyth. He leaned forward. “So, how may I serve you, Man-Prince?”

  “Well… I guess… what I’m looking for is someone who can help me track something,” Paul said. He fished Demog’s leather strap from his pocket. “This, actually.”

  Levondyth reared back and sucked air through his puckered lips. “Ooh, a tracker. Sorry am I, but all the licensed trackers in Saraan-Vishta are currently employed by the Poxie Post. Not one remains here.”

  “But… I… what about all of them?” Paul gestured around the inchworm at the dancing Poxies and the fluttering Flitterlings.

  “Oh, Man-Prince, not all Flitterlings were meant to survive beyond the confines of Saaran-Vishta,” Levondyth said with a sad shake of his head. “Some were only meant to frolic. Here, in a world rich with magic, can they frolic to their heart’s content. Your world, sadness descending, is barren and bland, parched of magic. Why would those who frolic wish to visit such a frolicless place?”

  “But, is there no one?” Paul asked. “Please, my Quest is urgent.” For someone who didn’t believe he could actually complete the Quest, Paul was surprised at how desperately he fought to proceed. And some small part of him just couldn’t bear the thought of returning to the ship having failed yet again.

  Levondyth stared at Paul for a long time and pursed his radiant red lips. “Well, there may be someone somewhere, but I don’t think you’ll wish to travel there.”

  “Why?” Paul asked.

  “Because it’s very icky.”

  “I don’t mind icky. Please, let’s go.”

  Levondyth sighed. “Very well. Don’t say I did not warning give. Hop on, young Man-Prince.”

  Paul awkwardly clambered onto the inchworm’s tail and, with a kick of Levondyth’s heels, they began to accordion down the street.

  27

  IRREVOCABLE FAUX PAS

  A banquet table spread with a candlelit feast bisected a long windowless hall on one of the upper floors of Seeboth’s Shadowkeep. Zombies in tattered finery, clearly further gone than Jeremy, added the finishing touches with blank-eyed stares.

  Seeboth paced the length of the table, nervously tweaking the Zombies’ work. When he noticed that the position of a spoon and fork had been interchanged, he vaporized the offending Zombie with the flick of one magic finger.

  Amused, Demog observed his master’s anxiety from the side of the room.

  “Perhaps… perhaps this isn’t such a good idea,” Seeboth said, fidgeting.

  “You’re tall, you’re intelligent, you have all the powers of Hell at your command — what princess wouldn’t swoon?” Demog asked.

  As if on cue, the door to the banquet hall groaned slowly open and Jeremy ushered Princess Luscious inside.

  Demog patted Seeboth on the back. “You’re the most feared Shadow Wizard in the world. You’ll do fine. Just be yourself.” With that, he dissolved into the shadows.

  Princess Luscious never once flinched from Seeboth’s dark eyes as Jeremy seated her at one end of the table. Seeboth took the seat opposite her.

  “Welcome,” he said.

  His voice echoed in the silent chamber. A pin dropped somewhere and seemed almost deafeningly loud. Seeboth cleared his throat and tried again.

  “You look lovely this evening.” He paused to give her a chance to speak.

  She didn’t.

  “Please, eat something. This banquet is in your honor.”

  Princess Luscious made no move.

  A bead of sweat sliced down Seeboth’s cheek.

  “I sense… that something’s changed between us, darling,” he said. “I just want to fix things—”

  “You want to sacrifice me!” Princess Luscious snapped.

  “Yes, well, isn’t sacrifice the basis of every good relationship?” Seeboth asked. He was just happy they were speaking again. “But of course, you already know that — you’re the one who placed the ad in the first place.”

  “I did no such thing! I specified no Shadow Wizards! Laura changed the ad without my knowledge—”

  “Details,” Seeboth said. “But take heart! Once I sacrifice you, I shall be transformed into a god, and once I remake the universe, I promise I’ll resurrect you immediately! First thing!”

  Princess Luscious turned up her nose and turned aside.

  And that’s when Seeboth finally realized the truth. “Wait… how could I have been so blind? This isn’t about us at all — you’re waiting for a Prince Charming!”

  “What did you expect?” she asked. “I mean, you may be rich and powerful… and marginally handsome for an evil sorcerer… but you’re old enough to be my father! And you want to kill me!”

  Seeboth didn’t hear a word she said. He was too busy shaking his head in disbelief. “You’ve been using me this whole time… this whole time. Gods, if anyone is the victim here, it’s me!”

  “You want sympathy? You’re pathetic!”

  “Careful, princess,” Seeboth growled, his rage boiling up, barely held in check. “Perhaps you don’t realize I can kill you! Sooner, I mean!”

  Irrevocable faux pas, that.

  Off in the shadows, Demog shook his head.

  Seeboth rose, chalice of wine in hand. “But I forgive you. We will drink a toast. To you, Princess Luscious
.”

  He elevated the glass, but she made no response.

  “I would have you drink with me!” Seeboth said. “Drink!”

  Princess Luscious leveled her gaze at him, radiant in her defiance. “Not until my charming prince arrives shall I drink, and then it shall be a toast to your death, fiend!”

  That took Seeboth back a bit. “Oh… is that so?” He was at a loss for anything else to say.

  “Yes, it is,” she said. “And what are you going to do about it?”

  “Don’t make me transmute you,” he warned.

  “You don’t have the masculine organs to transmute me,” she said.

  “Is that so!”

  Seeboth’s rage took over and his hands flared. Lightning arced the length of the table and instantly transformed Princess Luscious into a steaming mound of manure.

  A glop of Princess Luscious spattered the floor.

  “I think she’s warming up to you,” Demog said as he approached the table.

  With a juicy POP, a huge bubble of methane broke the surface of the princess pile.

  “She rattled me!” Seeboth cried. “I was rattled!”

  “So you turned her into a pile of manure. The operative word here might be ‘overcompensate.’”

  “The spell will wear off!” Seeboth barked.

  Jeremy entered with a wheelbarrow and began to shovel Princess Luscious into it.

  Defeated, Seeboth sank into his chair. “Gods, it’s not easy being charming.”

  28

  THE BAD PART OF THE FOREST

  After traveling for some time on the back of the giant inchworm, Paul noticed a change in the island. They had entered a stretch of forest where the giant mushrooms and flowers had become more stunted, gnarled, and dirty. The trees were covered with strange, glowing graffiti, and the few functioning fountains belched dirty water. The neighborhood seemed to be dark and completely deserted.