Here's My Heart

by Maxene Novak

  Just as I'm about to reach my peak, he pulls away and climbs on top of me, pressing himself against me, letting his shaft rub between my thighs teasingly.

  “I wanted to be inside you last night,” he whispers in my ear as he thrusts inside me. He groans breathlessly into my ear, making me shiver. “I wanted him inside me,” he continues as he thrusts. “I wanted…” As I climax, he thrusts harder, making my body convulse uncontrollably and I feel him finish. “That!” he sighs as he collapses on top of me.

  We lie in silence for a moment after he gently separates from me. I open my arms to him and he rests his head on my shoulder.

  “We really made a mess of things, didn't we?”

  “I don't know,” I reply, playing with his hair. “I hope not.”

  “This didn't help,” he remarks, getting up and getting dressed. “I'm still confused.”

  I feel myself grow irritated.

  “Did you really think sleeping together was going to help?” I ask, pinching the bridge of my nose. “I should have gone after him.”

  “No, this wasn't wrong,” he replies sternly. “I'm just still confused. I am still fond of both of you. Equally. Which is discomforting considering how much I care about Adam.”

  I roll my eyes and grab my clothes. I go to the bathroom to get cleaned up. I'm sure Dorian won't mind if I used his shower.

  After I'm clean, I brush my teeth with the complimentary toothbrush. I get dressed and walk out to find Dorian sipping on a cup of hot coffee. He seems to be in deep thought and when he realizes I'm watching him he shakes his phone.

  “Adam sent a group message,” Dorian says gravely. “Your phone is on the table. I'm not sure, but I think we screwed up.”

  I pick it up and read the message.

  I know it's a bad time for this, but I need some space. Got some life stuff to work out. Keep practicing, keep the date with Century. I can't promise I'll be there, but you guys can make it work. Adam

  “Shit!” I hiss and drop the phone in my hands. “Yeah, Dorian. I'd say we screwed up. Royally.”

  “Damage control?”

  “You're the manager,” I say and he nods.

  “I'll handle the guys if you get Adam,” he responds, pulling a shirt over his head.

  “Why do I get the hard job?” I ask as we make our way out the door.

  “You handled mine just fine.” He smirks as we make our way to the elevator.

  I give him an incredulous look while he just looks ahead.

  “Has anyone seen the message yet?” I ask and he nods.

  “My phone has been going off for the last five minutes.” He pulls out his phone.

  “What are you doing?” I question as we step off the elevator and make our way outside.

  “Damn it!” he hisses as he hangs up his phone. “His phone's off!”

  “Did you really think he'd make himself readily available?” I scoff and he rolls his eyes.

  “He's so precious,” he says begrudgingly. “This infuriated me when we were dating!”

  “It's kind of childish. It doesn't matter. I think I know where he is.”

  “Good,” he says, hailing a cab. “This one is for you. Go to him. I'm sure I'll just make things worse.” He stops me when I go to climb in and kisses me softly. “I'm sorry,” he whispers. “If it helps—I—just go.”

  I look into his eyes. They're serious and sincere. I lean in and hug him.

  “It's going to be okay, Dorian. We'll make it right.”

  He nods and I climb into the back of the cab. He closes the door gently behind me and I give the driver the address to Reggie’s.

  It takes a while, but we get there and I run to the van. I climb inside and crank the engine. It roars to life and I pull into traffic. My phone rings and I quickly answer it.

  “Hello?”

  “Can you say drama queens?” Dorian comments in irritation. “They are literally having a meltdown about a replacement drummer when Adam simply took over the position.”

  “Yeah, I don't think the band will survive this if Adam quits.”

  “This is why you do favors for other bands. If Adam flakes out on you, not only will I be cross, but his spot has been offered to Bruce's drummer for our meeting with Century. I'm trying to push the date out a bit. My cousin is a very busy man.”

  “Any luck?” I ask, crossing my fingers.

  “A week,” he says with a sigh. “We have an extra week. As luck would have it, he was double booked. I sent him videos of last night's show. He's really impressed. Like wants to sign you now. We have to get Adam back.”

  “Working on it,” I reply as horns honk to let me merge into traffic. “Okay, I'm driving. I'll let you know something soon.”

  “Do you have an idea where to look?” he asks, and I can tell he's kicking himself.

  “I think so.” I hear him scoff.

  “Think so isn't knowing!” he retorts.

  “Dorian, calm down. I'm trying not to freak out too, okay? He's my best friend.”

  “Right,” he sighs. “Just… find him and… be careful.”

  He hangs up the phone and I shake my head.

  “He thinks they're being drama queens,” I mutter and pull into traffic.

  I head toward home and drive past my place. Every time Adam got upset about something he would always go to our elementary school's playground. As I pull up to the old school. I see Adam sitting inside “the watch tower.”

  I get out and approach him. His back is turned to me so at least I have the element of surprise on my side. Not that I think he'll run, but there's all kinds of new things happening around us these days.

  “You're not very good at sneaking,” he remarks as I go to climb up beside him, “I'd know those footsteps anywhere. I should have figured you'd find me here.”

  “If you don't want to be found,” I say as I try pulling myself up, “find a better hiding spot.”

  “Where else would you look?” he asks, helping me up. “I knew you'd find me—you know—after…”

  “You knew?” I take a seat beside him.

  “I know, Dorian,” he sighs. “He doesn't like unfinished business.”

  “You didn't have to leave. Nothing would have happened if you didn't want it to.”

  “I know,” he shrugs. “That's why I left.”

  “Because you wanted to?” I ask to be sure and he nods.

  “I'm so sorry, Nova,” he breaks into tears. “I thought I was over Dorian. That's why I asked you out in the first place. Now you're involved with him too.”

  “Neither of us really knew what was going to happen,” I rationalize with him. “I can't say that I blame you for not being over him. He's…”

  “Gorgeous,” Adam sighs and I nod.

  “Yep,” I mumble. “Knows it too. Cocky bastard.”

  That makes Adam laugh.

  “I'm glad I'm not the only one that notices his narcissism. What does this mean? I love you, Nova.”

  “I know you do,” I tell him, taking his hand in mine. “I love you too.”

  “I've never felt so torn apart before,” he wipes the tears out of his eyes. “I don't know if I can handle it by myself.”

  “Then don't,” I tell him, but he shakes his head. “We do everything together. Why not this too?”

  “Then what? We can't both just date Dorian and it would be hard seeing him heartbroken if we date each other. I don't know what to do. How do we handle this without someone getting hurt?”

  “I don't know. But I promise you this: I'm going to be your best friend forever, Adam, no matter what happens.”

  He laughs, stifling a sob as he curls into my shoulder. I hold onto him for dear life. He's so important to me. How did we get here? I care about Dorian. Probably more than I should and whatever happens could damage our lives, but I want Adam to be happy.

  “So, here's what we're going to do,” I say, running my fingers through his hair. “We're going to make this easy. We're going to take our time, fig
ure it out, and we're going to stick together.”

  “How can I think when the people I love most are in the same room with me?” he asks, wiping at his eyes.

  “When we started this, you said no pressure and no strings,” I remind him. “That's what we're going to do. Until we figure this out between the three of us.”

  “You're going to see other people?” he asks quietly.

  “Maybe.” I shrug. “I encourage you to do the same—whatever it takes to help you figure it out.”

  He nods his head and takes a deep breath.

  “I don't like the idea of you with other guys,” his words are quiet. “I get it, I just don't like it.”

  “We'll see what happens,” I say, running my hand down his face. “Come on. We've got to tell the band you're not quitting on them. They're freaking Dorian out.”

  He laughs.

  “Yeah, that was pretty dumb, huh?” he responds as we jump off the tower.

  “Just a little bit.” I shrug, waiting for him to join me.

  “I really should wait before I send group texts,” he muses as we walk to the van. “I should have figured you'd talk me down.”

  “We're about to get signed,” I deadpan. “Do you really think I'm going through all that without you?”

  He shakes his head as we get in the van and head to his house where everyone is waiting. I send a message to Dorian, letting him know that we were coming and we take off.

  For the few minutes’ drive back to Adam's, everything seems normal. He talks about the show, laughs, flirts, jokes around. I breathe a sigh of relief. If we can be normal after everything that's happened, we can survive anything. I have to believe it. Even if it is reaching too far.

  Chapter Nine

  The next week blurs by. Dorian can't stay away; he feels so guilty for the hurt Adam is feeling. He's by every day for a few hours listening to us practice. He's even charmed his way into Gretchen's heart—not to my surprise. He's pretty enough to woo the pants off of any woman.

  It doesn't seem like things are any better, and I think the rest of the band is feeling the tension too. We're arguing more than usual and it's stressing everyone out. I sit down after the last song and take a break.

  “What are you doing, Nova?” Kyle asks, annoyed. “We have to get this right before next week.”

  “And five minutes isn't going to make a difference.” I take a deep breath. “I just need to chill out a minute. Everyone just take a break.”

  Kyle shakes his head and unplugs his guitar, opting to go play it elsewhere. Bryan follows him and Chad puts down his guitar to sit beside me.

  “They're stressing out way too much,” he notes, brushing a stray hair out of his face. “You sound great!”

  “I sound like a rusty door,” I reply, leaning against the chair.

  “Have you been drinking your tea?” he asks in concern.

  “When have I had time? Song after song after song…”

  “That won't do,” he comments, getting off the couch and walking into the kitchen. “You've got to take care of your voice. You're our sugar momma! We can't make the big bucks if you sound like you've been gargling nails.”

  “I guess,” I reply as he fiddles around in the kitchen. “You know it's not just about me, right? This is about all of us.”

  “I know,” he says, returning to me with a cup of hot tea. “Here, I put a little extra honey in.”

  “Thank you,” he sits down beside me. “I've missed your tea making skills.”

  “Only the best for our leading lady. So, lay it on me. What's going on with you three?”

  I nearly choke on my tea, making him chuckle.

  “N-Nothing,” I try to stifle a cough. “What makes you think there's something going on?”

  “I pay attention,” he clarifies, looking out the window at Adam and Dorian. “Those two were obvious. With you, I just know there's not much Adam gets into that doesn't involve you too.”

  “I uh…” I stammer, trying to think of what to say.

  “I'm going to take a shot in the dark here and just say threesome,” he says watching me closely.

  My eyes widen in surprise and he continues.

  “And it's confusing because you like them both, and Adam,” he watches Adam blush as Dorian takes off his shirt and jumps in the pool, “is torn over you and his feelings for Dorian.”

  “How did you…” I begin, but stop to keep me from incriminating myself. “Uh, who knows?”

  I try to shrug it off, but he rolls his eyes.

  “I know a complicated love triangle when I see one,” he replies cheekily. “Being prone to those myself on a weekly basis, I think I can shed some light on your situation.”

  I thrum my fingers on the table contemplating my next words.

  “If— if—there was some truth to your… story,” I say, clearing my throat, “what would you do?”

  “Well, are all parties into each other?” he asks.

  “Possibly. If you're right.”

  “Okay, so you have this no-strings thing with Adam and then Dorian comes into the picture. He seems like a free spirit sort of guy and he's hot. I figure he and Adam have some kind of unresolved history they need to work out. Adam is your best friend and Dorian is your manager. You want what's best for everyone, but don't understand where your heart is.”

  Damn. He pretty much nailed it.

  “I say—you go out on a date,” he takes a drink of water. “Not a hook up or anything like that. Just to see if maybe you could date someone else. If you can—you have your answer.”

  “Maybe. I don't know.”

  “Think on it,” he encourages, giving me a playful wink. “I'm free on Tuesday nights. You know where I'll be.”

  He gets up and turns his guitar back on, wailing away. I shake my head. He's always been a flirt and he looks out for me. I just don't think I could see myself dating him seriously, but if I were going to go out with someone, it would be him.

  At least there wouldn't be any expectations of where the night would go. Even if I want to, he seems mature enough to be able to handle walking away without any hard feelings. Yeah, maybe he's right. Maybe I should do this.

  I finish my tea and contemplate the idea. Sure, he's another band member. It's probably not a good idea, but I don't see myself feeling comfortable enough to go out with anyone else without it being awkward. He goes out on tons of dates and we don't get so much as a name.

  He only really gives us stories if they're crazy and it's always: This one chick I went out with. I think he'd be discreet about it. I should think on it some more. I grab a bottle of water from the refrigerator and walk up to him. He gives me a knowing look and I want to smack him.

  “Maybe,” I say and pass him the bottle of water.

  “I'll take that as a yes,” he replies confidently. “Tuesday night, meet me at six, Acadia's. All on me. I'll take care of everything.”

  “Maybe,” I remind him. “I have to think about it some more.”

  “Well, until you tell me no,” he starts strumming on his guitar, “I'm making plans.”

  I roll my eyes as he continues wailing playfully. What am I thinking? Everything's gone so well this far. Soon enough the rest of us get back to the drawing board.

  In the days to come, I start noticing Adam and Dorian talking among themselves more and more. The laughter I'd seen in Adam's eyes slowly returns. I feel myself get a little jealous of the attention they're giving each other. Dorian continues to dote on me as usual, but Adam has been more distant.

  He'll steal a kiss every now and then when he thinks no one is looking. He talks to me like usual and we act like we always have. He hasn't asked me out again. Not that I really expect him to but the attempt might have been nice, I guess.

  One day I actually caught him kissing Dorian, who shrugged it off when Adam jumped away from him. It doesn't take me long to understand why it's upsetting me, but I just don't want to admit it to myself. Not yet. I can barely handle d
ating one guy successfully, let alone two.

  That kind of made the decision to accept Chad's offer. I am jealous of two men. I need a night out anyway. So, this time when I walk up to Chad, I tap him on the shoulder with confidence.

  “You're on,” I tell him.

  “Righteous,” he responds triumphantly, “I'll send a car.”

  “See you at six,” I remark and grab the mic.

  He slams on the guitar as everyone scrambles to join in and I go into our song, “Devil May Care.”

  Dorian watches from the couch, nodding his head to the music. He looks at me with a strange look in his eyes. Is he angry? Did I do something wrong?

  When the song is over, I glance back at Adam and he's looking at Dorian. When he looks at me, his eyes are hurt and deeply annoyed. Did they get in a fight? Chad grabs my arm and raises my hand into a high five clasping his hand to mine.

  “Nice!” he says, playfully shaking my hand.

  I grin and walk away as they run their warm ups. Dorian walks up to me as I'm putting ear buds in my ear.

  “Can I talk to you?” he asks right as I'm about to press play.

  “Sure,” I take one of the buds out of my ear.

  “What are you doing?” he asks quietly. “Are you crazy?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You're going out with Chad,” he states and I shrug.

  “Yeah, so?”

  “I thought we were—” he hesitates and at this point, I cut him off.

  “We haven't done anything. In fact, you and Adam are usually off in a corner somewhere and I'm out here practicing with them.”

  “You're right,” he says lowly. “I have been spending more time with Adam lately. He's… more sensitive than you. He needs the reassurance—you don't.”

  “You don't think I need reassurance? That's great. While you two get to talk things out with each other, I'm off to myself wondering what the hell I'm doing. I'm winging it here.”

  “Don't go out with Chad,” he urges with a hurt look in his eyes. “You don't understand how it feels to us.”

  “No, I don't. There's a reason for that. You talk to each other, not me.”