I swore. Would I go back on another promise to Myra and kill myself? Or would I keep that promise, but lose all traces of my sanity?
I snorted. “If only I believed the gods were real.”
If they were, I might actually pray for them to ease my pain. Or at the least, ask them to take my life naturally so that I wouldn’t have to break my promise. I wanted to be done with the hell I lived in.
Behind me, I heard those on last watch rouse the rest of camp.
I decided I should try to stand while no one was around to see me so stiff.
I moved to my hands and knees. Pausing for several breaths, I sucked in air deeply while dragging my feet under me into a squatting position. Wincing, I moved to a bent position. Straightening only made matters worse.
“Gods, I’m a mess. Get it together, Tyrus,” I said as encouragement.
I had little desire to fight for myself, but I had to go on for my kids.
But for how long? A year? A month? A week? A day?
“C’mon Pa, I know you can do five minutes,” I imagined Zadok telling me, his optimism giving me strength.
Maybe that was the trick. Think only in small chunks. Fight the battles first, then try to win the war.
My mouth twisted. “Prax’s balls, will I ever be able to think of anything in terms other than war?”
“I didn’t expect to find you up so early,” said Myra as she came behind me.
I faced her, hiding the pain with my best efforts at a smile. “Old habits, I guess.”
“How do you feel?”
“I’ve had better days.”
“Do you think you could eat something?”
I wasn’t truly hungry, but I knew I needed to get something in me. “I think so. Is Lieutenant Dar around?”
“I can get him. Do you need something?”
“Just a bit more of that drink from last night if he has any more.”
“Still hurting?”
“Yes.”
I kept back that my dreams during the night had made yesterday’s pains worse. I told myself I wasn’t lying to Myra, just refusing to volunteer information. I had told myself that same thing before, and it had eased the guilt. I found that this time my guilt lingered.
She frowned. “Is there anything I can do?”
I took a step, hand rubbing at the small of my back. If I hadn’t felt old before, I felt it now. I’m sure I looked it by the way I hobbled.
“No. Just need to get my blood moving,” I said, wincing at a twinge in my bladder.
“I can lend you my shoulder to lean on until your limbs loosen,” she offered.
“I’m pretty sure you’re not going to want to help me on this. Nature’s calling.”
“Oh. Right. I’ll see that Dar gets that drink for you.”
“Thanks,” I said, slowly moving toward an old tree for privacy.
I recalled my earlier thoughts. One moment at a time. One step. That’s all I had to do. It seemed simple. Another twinge of pain struck, causing me to pick up my pace, though I still moved very much like an invalid.
“Everything seems like it couldn’t get worse until you piss yourself,” I huffed.
* * *
I didn’t piss myself. A small victory.
A slightly bigger victory came from not succumbing to any bad memories as we broke camp and traveled home. Another round of Lieutenant Dar’s drink made the task easier.
The traveling was quiet. Few spoke, and when they did it came in low tones. Worried glances or an occasional bit of small talk was the extent of the interaction most chose to have with me. Embarrassment prevented me from conversing much.
Myra rode at my side most of the day, but said little as well. I wondered if she would finally stop pressing me into opening up. I doubted it. She was my daughter after all. Likely she was working through a different approach to try.
Dar checked in with me several times, twice providing me a small dose of his concoction.
We made camp before dusk. The silence of the day continued through dinner.
That unsettled me.
We had only a few hours of traveling in the morning before we’d reach Kasala. I expected more eagerness and excitement in the faces of our group. However, a worried anxiousness hung over camp. Did they not believe we were done with Sinsca? Or were they affected by what had happened to me? Had they begun to question my ability to lead them?
I finished the last of my stew and stood. A throbbing pain coursed through me, coinciding with a sudden fogginess to my thoughts. A faint tremor took my hand.
I shoved that hand in my pocket before anyone noticed, hurried to place my empty bowl with the others, and quickly found Dar.
Pulling him aside, I asked, “Do you have more of that drink?”
He frowned. “Sir, I just gave you a dose before dinner.”
“I know, but it feels like I need another.”
“Sir, you shouldn’t have more right now. In small quantities the drink is fine, but you’ve reached your limit for the day. Vered said there are risks to continued use of it.”
“Of course. That makes sense. But it’s only been a day, Lieutenant. I’m pretty sure it takes longer than that for any of those risks to surface. Am I right?”
“Probably.”
“Then all should be fine. If you’re worried about me becoming addicted or something, you shouldn’t. The potion tastes about as bad as the inside of my boots smell. In fact, my boots smell better than that concoction.”
He chuckled at that. “Knowing Vered he probably did that on purpose to avoid addiction.”
I smiled. “I heard he could be sneaky like that.”
“I still don’t understand why you need another drink, though.”
“Because nights are the worst, and I want to get some decent sleep so that I don’t look so haggard when we reach Kasala tomorrow. That won’t happen if I spend half the night clenching.”
Dar let out a slow breath. “Yeah, I see your point. I’ll get a dose ready. But that has to be the last one for the day.”
“That’s fine. But then we should probably make it a double so I can make it all the way to morning.”
“Sir, it’s not a good idea to start increasing doses like that.”
I frowned, feeling rather pathetic for pushing the issue. However, I really did need to get some rest and the one thing that seemed to help me regain control of my mind was his potion. “One night, Lieutenant. I just want one night of uninterrupted sleep. Grant me that.”
He nodded. “Yes, sir.”
“Thank you. And let’s keep this between you and me. I don’t want Myra worrying about something Vered said might happen. She has enough she’s dealing with. Understand?”
He twisted his mouth in resignation. “Yes, sir.”
More guilt weighed on me. Again, I told myself I wasn’t lying to Myra. I was protecting her from worry and unneeded stress. Just like a good father should.
I waited as he went through his things to ready the drink. If I could get some restful sleep, I knew I’d be stronger to fight my enemy. Tonight could be the first of what I hoped were many small victories.
Gods-be-damned, I’d beat this thing.
* * *
For the first time in a very long time, I awoke the next morning with no recollection of any dreams from the night before. My body did not ache from a night of flexing and clenching against nightmares. That absence of pain was welcome, but in its place I was gifted a pounding headache.
Cracking my eyes and catching the first glimpse of the morning sun only made the headache worse. I hoped that after a few moments of moving about, the pounding would lessen. It didn’t. To make matters worse, I felt the beginnings of a slight tremor.
In order to not have my destination obvious, I took the long way around camp
before greeting Dar.
He greeted me with a frown. “Morning, sir. You don’t look very well rested.”
“I am, actually. Slept better than I have in months, if not years. But my head is killing me. Do you have some of that drink ready? I’d prefer to get some in me before we get on the road.”
“Sir, I really don’t know if that’s a good idea. Not after the double dose I gave you last night.”
“Don’t worry, Lieutenant. I’m not asking for a double dose again. Not even a full regular dose if you’re concerned about me taking it right now. Just something to keep me sharp for when we get to town.” I paused. “Actually, I was thinking that it isn’t fair for me to keep bothering you like this. It would probably be easier if you just give me more of the drink now, or even show me how to make it. That way I can do it all myself.”
“Sir, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“Why not? Doesn’t Vered give people medicine all the time with instructions to follow?”
“Of course.”
“Then how is this any different? Tell me what I need to do, and I’ll be fine.”
He paused while giving thought to my point, then reached into his pocket and withdrew a small vial that he handed over.
Dar said, “Sir, that is a concentrated version of the mixture. You need to dilute it. One drop per every cup of water.”
I unscrewed the lid and figured in my head how many drops I needed to get my water skin at the proper dilution.
“Sir!”
“Ssh. Calm down, Lieutenant, I’m not about to drink this all at once. I’m just trying to be efficient by mixing more than one dose at a time.”
“But we’ll be in Kasala by midday. You shouldn’t need a full day’s worth.”
I sloshed the water skin around to mix the concoction, took a couple nasty gulps, then corked it. I placed the lid back on the vial and put it in my pocket.
Dar frowned. “Sir. Remember, this is only a temporary solution.”
I chuckled. “Of course. I’d really go crazy if I had to drink this awful stuff for the rest of my life.”
But I’d also be crazy to surrender an advantage too quickly. So long as I was careful with my dosing, I didn’t see any reason why I couldn’t use the drink to help me through the rough patch I was experiencing. With it, I was confident I could finally get my head right.
Behind me, Myra took the initiative to send out a few scouts.
I smiled at the force of her voice. The expression grew as the drink began to do its job. My mind cleared.
I gripped Dar’s outstretched hand, and gave it a shake, pretending I had no clue he wanted the vial back. “Thank you, Lieutenant. We best get on the road.”
Before he could respond, I walked away with a bounce in my step, calling for everyone to form up.
CHAPTER 35
Reuma had a scout watching for our approach. By the time we reached Kasala, the entire town waited to greet us. It was as warm a welcome as I could ask for. Lots of smiles and joyous tears at our return.
Before Myra and I got swept away in it all, I pulled her aside. “Remember how you told me that after Sinsca some of the younger men we brought with us were mouthing off behind your back until the veterans shut them up?”
She raised an eyebrow. “Yeah.”
“That still bother you?”
“A little.”
I bobbed my head. “I want you to look around now and find those that might have spoken out. Watch them hold their loved ones with relief and longing. Watch the men, women, and children who stayed behind welcome them. I promise not a single person right now cares one lick about whether there was no battle. Trust me, what matters is living.” I reached over and touched her hand. “Always do your best to choose life.”
She allowed herself to grin. “I see your point.”
A moment later, we were swept away with the others. Zadok and Damaris were the first to welcome us back. Ira and Reuma were a few steps behind. Nason and his kids, as well as Boaz and his family followed.
After our formal welcomes, Reuma pulled me aside and handed me a sheet of parchment with my name on it.
I frowned when turning the letter over. The seal had been broken. “What’s this?”
“A letter from the council. The messenger stopped by the day after you left for Sinsca. I covered for you by saying you were off on diplomatic relations with our neighbors. He seemed to buy it.” She gestured to the broken seal. “I’m sorry, but with you gone and not knowing what the council had wanted, or what the outcome of you going to Sinsca would be, I thought it best to open myself.”
I couldn’t argue with that. “I understand. It’s fine.”
Opening the letter, I paused after the first two lines in surprise. “It’s about Ava.”
She nodded.
It was another update from the Speaker about all my sister had accomplished since his last communications. There was good news regarding her success against the enemy’s attempt to expand their attacks west. And there was bad news in that the rumors of necromancy had been confirmed. Noval’s sorcerers had apparently discovered a way to raise the dead in large numbers. They had begun to deploy them against the Southern Kingdom forces. Given the religious implications of such a strategy, the council worried that necromancy could be their downfall.
As before, the Speaker’s words were meant to guilt me into reconsidering their original proposal. In spite of all that I had suffered the last few days, I still felt a tug to run off and help my sister. However, I knew that doing so would be an awful mistake for everyone.
To make matters worse, the Speaker’s report confirmed what Paki’s messenger had spoken of days before.
I recalled Paki’s shock when I had accused him of making up facts about Ava to distract me from poisoning our fields.
Was I also wrong about him poisoning our fields?
But then again, why was he so ready for us? Besides, just because he had reported the truth about Ava didn’t mean that it wasn’t also intended to act as a distraction.
“I’m sorry,” said Reuma.
She obviously thought my silence was solely about Ava.
“Me too,” I said. I had a lot to think about later. I’d need to review all that I knew again about the fields, Paki, and Sinsca in case I had missed something important.
I looked up from the parchment.
By that point, the rest of town had finished greeting their loved ones. With mind and heart at ease, questions about what happened came. Of course, many looked first to me for answers. Myra stepped in to answer on my behalf, probably worried the questions would wake bad memories, but I waved her off. Dar’s drink had kept me under control all morning. I had no reason to think it wouldn’t continue. Still, to be safe, I took a few swigs more before climbing on top of a nearby wagon to better project my voice.
I summarized what had happened, but I held back the parts specifically involving my inadequacies. Making every detail known wasn’t necessary to convey the events of Sinsca.
I was honest about the sorcerous attack removing me from action, but I left out the details of what I mentally suffered afterward. None of the soldiers seemed upset at my desire to leave that piece of information out. Their understanding was appreciated. I’m sure stories would get around eventually, but at least for now, the war I waged remained mostly a private one.
Of course, I emphasized Myra’s role in our confrontation, proudly conveying how she took control while I was incapacitated. She put her head down in embarrassment. Her brown skin reddened when Reuma began a round of applause on her behalf. Returning soldiers from our group cheered the loudest.
I stepped down when finished, but no one dispersed. They stood around, shuffling their feet while refusing to meet my eyes. I gathered the reasoning behind their hesitancy.
We had nearly ha
lf a day left of sunlight, but no one wanted to return to work. That frustrated me at first.
We really couldn’t afford to take more time off. The last few days would have put many projects behind schedule. But then I caught a glimpse of a returning soldier with his arm around a young woman who rested her head on his shoulder. The love on their faces was not unique among the crowd.
It was impossible to turn a blind eye to that. I told myself any work done in the last few hours of the day would be little and probably of low quality with so much distraction. We could make up the time over the next week.
I met the eyes of my children, then of my friends, then of Damaris. Maybe I just wanted the same as everyone else and didn’t have the will any longer to deny myself in order to set a proper example?
“Everyone has the afternoon off,” I announced.
A cheer erupted that was as loud as the cheer of our return.
“Gods-be-damned, Ty. You’re getting soft,” chided Ira into my ear as the applause subsided.
“He’s always been soft,” said Nason, sliding over. “Just getting tired of pretending otherwise.”
I gave them both a sour look. “I wonder if anyone is going to think I’m soft come tomorrow when we’re working harder and longer to make up for the time I was away. We’ll need to redistribute workers in the short term to catch up on our key projects.”
Ira tagged Nason in the arm. “Now, that’s the Ty I know.”
Nason flashed Ira an annoyed look while rubbing his arm.
I went up to Boaz. “Need some help with the mounts?”
Though I had given everyone the afternoon off, I knew he and his family wouldn’t just toss the mounts of those returning into their stalls without rubbing them down and seeing to their needs.
“If you’re willing, I sure won’t say no.”
Others I considered close friends, and people I had consistent interaction with, followed my lead and took one or two horses in hand before leading them to the stables. Their unselfish behavior made me proud.
Nason walked past me while leading two mounts. His three kids rode in the saddles with wide grins. He asked me, “You all right? You’re begging to catch a fly just standing around with your mouth hanging open like that.”
Forever Soldiers: The Tyrus Chronicle - Book Four Page 28