Losing Us

by Jen McLaughlin

  “I am,” I said, my voice uneven. “I’m sorry to interrupt. I didn’t know you had…company tonight. I’ll, uh, go.”

  The guy whose name escaped me stepped forward, a friendly smile on his face. “Hey, you’re Austin Murphy, right?”

  I shook his hand even though I’d rather punch him right on his fucking nose. His perfect, as yet unbroken, nose. Mine had been broken twice before I turned fifteen. Both times by my asshole dad. I tucked the flowers behind my back, even though he’d already seen them. “Yeah. And you are…?”

  “Luke Granger.” He dropped my hand and returned his to the small of Mac’s back. “Nice to meet you, man. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

  I flicked my glance over to Mac, who watched me intently, her face pale and gaunt. Her attention was locked on the hand behind my back. “Hopefully not all bad,” I managed to say, despite my aching head and heart.

  Luke laughed. “Of course not.”

  We all fell silent awkwardly, just kind of staring at one another, and then I realized why. Because these two were going on a date, and her ex was gaping at them.

  Fucking idiot.

  I stepped back. “Well, I’ll—”

  “Austin—” Mac said at the same time. “What?”

  “No, you go first,” I said, forcing a smile.

  Mac wrung her purse in front of her. “I…uh…” She glanced at Luke. “I was just going to say we have to go. We have reservations at six.”

  “Right. Of course.” I shoved my free hand back into my jeans and stepped back, swallowing hard. I kept the flowers hidden behind my back. “Have a lovely dinner. You look very beautiful in that dress, Mac.”

  “Thanks,” Mac said, her green eyes locked on me so hard I could feel them boring through my head. It was as if she could see right through me, and knew seeing her with another guy was killing me. She was right. It hurt more than any beating I could have gotten from my father. “This isn’t…we’re not…I…”

  I waited, but she didn’t finish. “Please. Don’t let me stop you two. I was just chatting with Harry here. Catching up, ya know?”

  “You weren’t here to see me?” she asked.

  “What do you think?” I asked, my grip tightening on the stems. “Anyway… Have a nice night.”

  She hesitated but nodded once and walked out the door with Luke. As I watched, flashes went off, and they posed for the cameras like good little stars.

  Something I’d never be.

  My grip on the flowers tightened even more, and I could feel the jagged edges of the one rose I’d hidden inside the bouquet dig into my hand. It had been my way of saying she was a rose among tulips. One of a kind. Special.

  Something else I’d never be.

  Harry cleared his throat. “Look, man…”

  “Yeah. I know. Get out.” I glanced over at him, forcing my eyes off the gorgeous, wholesome, clean-cut pair as they slid into a waiting town car, all smiles and happiness. “I just need a minute. You can go on. They’re waiting for you.”

  “I’m sorry you had to see that,” Harry said. “But the way you handled it showed me something your words didn’t.”

  I didn’t look at him because I couldn’t stop staring at the place where Mac had left with Luke, perfect and together. They made sense. Sense that we never would. Everything I’d ever wanted had walked out that door, and there had been nothing I could do to stop it. “What’s that?”

  “You really do love her.”

  I finally tore my eyes off the door, fighting every urge I had inside me to run outside, chase the car down, and drag her out and into my arms. “Because I let her go?”

  “Because you cared enough not to make a scene.” Harry uncrossed his arms. “If you’d been immature and made a few jabs at her, I’d have kicked your ass.”

  “She…I love her. She’s my life. And I…” I shook my head and backed up. “I can’t do this. I can’t.”

  Pivoting on my heel, I headed for the doors on the other side of the lobby, tossing the flowers into the trash can as I went. I loved her, and she’d moved on. It was over.

  I’d already lost.

  LATER THAT night, I walked out of the bathroom in my hotel, toweling my face dry. I’d taken a long, hot shower, and then a long, hot bath. Once I’d run out of hot water. I’d finally come out, but I still hadn’t felt clean. Going on that “date” with Luke, had been harder than I’d have thought it would ever be. And it hadn’t even been a real date. Just a way to pull attention off the fact that both of us had been seen broken hearted every night on the TV since our breakups.

  A stupid publicity thing my PR team made me do.

  I’d hated every second of it. We’d spent the whole night talking about how much we missed our exes and how miserable we both were before turning the talk toward work. Tour schedules, recording sessions, and sales. Then we’d talked about a possible duet, which he’d been trying to convince me of when we’d stepped off the elevator…and found Austin in the lobby. Holding flowers.

  When I’d gotten back, he’d been gone, and so had the flowers. A knock sounded on the door, and my heart picked up speed. Smoothing my wet hair over my head, I opened the door with a trembling hand. When I saw it was Harry and not Austin, my heart sank a little bit more. I forced a smile and asked, “Hey. What’s up?”

  “I pulled these out of the trash.” Harry brandished the flowers Austin had brought from behind his back, his brown eyes shining more than his bald brown head. “Thought you might want them.”

  I reached out and took the vase of flowers. He’d removed them from the packaging and put them in water. As I pulled them to my nose, I blinked down at the one rose in the middle. It stood out like a sore thumb. “Uh…there’s a rose in here.”

  “Yeah.” Harry shrugged and held out a small card. “I don’t know why, but it was in the bouquet. You’d have to ask him. He had a note in it too.”

  I nodded, took the note, and Harry walked off. I watched him go, then shut the door. Leaning against it, I closed my eyes and held the vase to my chest, breathing fast. After setting the flowers on the floor, I opened the card.

  I might not be good at love, and my love might not be enough for us to be happy, but you have it and always will. I will never give up on you…on us. Not in a million years. If you’re wondering why I put a rose in here, that’s you. You’re one of a kind. I guess it’s also our love. Hell, us. Standing out in a crowd of faces. We can make it through this, if you want to. If you want me. I love you, Mac.

  I walked over to the table by the door, set the flowers down, and picked up my phone. The note, I held clutched to my chest. It only took me three seconds before I remembered he’d changed his number…and hadn’t given me the new one. “Crap.”

  Setting the phone back down, I leaned on the table, gripping the edge and staring at myself in the mirror. Green eyes reflected back at me, watching me with judgment. So much freaking judgment.

  “Your move, Mac,” I said, staring back at myself.

  Picking the phone back up, I went on Twitter and typed in Austin’s name. His feed popped up, and I swallowed hard and scanned his tweets during the past twenty-four hours. He’d tweeted something about a football game the other day, but besides that, the last thing he’d tweeted was he couldn’t wait to see me in Nashville.

  It had gotten more than two thousand favorites and four thousand retweets.

  Swallowing hard, I opened a direct message and typed: I got the flowers. As I waited to see if he’d reply, I sat down on the couch, my eyes locked on the bouquet. When he didn’t reply, I typed, I like the rose.

  Still nothing.

  He obviously wasn’t on his phone right now, so I could either sit back, waiting for him to see it at some point, or I could take the excuse I had to hunt him down. Chances were, he’d either be at home or Captain Crow’s. Standing up, I threw on a gray dress, a pair of boots, and a cowboy hat. There really wasn’t anything to debate here. After reading that note, I had to see him. Had to
know why he’d come by earlier…

  And why he’d brought me flowers.

  As I entered the lobby, Harry looked up and grinned. “Going somewhere?”

  “Yeah. You know exactly where I’m going.”

  He followed me. “I’ll drive with you to his house.”

  As we walked to the car, no one snapped pictures. It was a miracle they were all busy elsewhere. Maybe some other celebrity was making a fool of themselves, therefore creating a bigger story than me. We made it to Austin’s house in a matter of minutes, and I let out a sigh of relief when I saw his Jetta in the driveway.

  He was home. Rachel’s lights were out in her room, and so were Austin’s, but the TV was on downstairs, judging from the flickering lights.

  I sat in the car for a second, not moving, nervous as heck.

  “You got this.” Harry smiled and patted me on the back. “If you want me to help or need anything, call.”

  “I will. Go back to the hotel,” I said, my eyes locked on that flickering light downstairs. “I’ll call for the driver when I’m ready to be picked up. Get some sleep.”

  “Only if you’re staying here.” He shifted his weight and rested a hand against the glass window. “No wondering off, or going out without me.”

  “I promise.” Leaning close, I kissed his cheek. “You take good care of me. Thank you for that.”

  “Then listen to me. That boy loves you.” He leaned back and pointed to the house. “He might not be the best at showing it, but I saw him after you came down with Luke today, and I saw him before that too. He was going to fight for you.”

  “He doesn’t have to fight.” I opened the door and stepped out. Once I stood, I leaned in, resting my hands on the car. “He just has to love me and want me.”

  “Well, then, good luck.”

  I nodded and closed the door, smoothing the dress I’d thrown on over my unsteady legs. As I walked up the driveway, I glanced over my shoulder at Harry, who gave me a thumbs up. I didn’t know exactly what I was going to say, or what would happen, but he’d come to me tonight. It was my turn to go to him.

  He’d been right, in a way, last night. I’d decided how he felt and just…reacted. Without believing him when he said he hadn’t meant those things. Without believing him when he said he loved me and didn’t want to be free. I hadn’t listened.

  Now, I was ready. I was ready to listen.

  I missed him, and if I was right…he missed me.

  When I reached the porch, I took a calming breath, tugged my hat lower, lifted my hand, and knocked three times. I could hear something on the TV through the door, and I thought I heard my name, but I could have been wrong.

  A bang, followed by a curse, and then the door swung open. Austin peeked through the crack, blinked at me, glanced over his shoulder, and then blinked at me again. “Am I asleep?”

  “No. You’re awake.” I swallowed hard and grabbed the hem of my dress, squeezing it in my hands. “Can I please come in?”

  He leaned his head on the door and sighed. It took me all of a second to notice two things. One: he was shirtless, which showed off his abs and all that black ink perfectly to my starved eyes. And two: he had a drink in his hand.

  And was maybe already drunk.

  “Did you have a nice date?” he asked, his blue eyes dark and stormy. “Come to tell me all about it, or what?”

  I shook my head once. “Are you going to let me in?”

  “Depends. Did you kiss him?”

  “No.” I crossed my arms. “Not even close. You kiss anyone else since the girl in my lobby?”

  “Nope.” He stepped back, opening the door and motioning me inside with the hand that held a half-full glass of whiskey. “Not even close.”

  “Is Rachel home?” I asked, surveying the living room. I’d been right, he’d been watching TV, and they were talking about Luke and me. “Or is she still away?”

  “She came home earlier,” he said, walking past me and then settling in his chair. He slung an arm over the side of the chair, his glass perched at his fingertips. He looked seconds from dropping it. Totally relaxed and okay with all this, when I was a nervous wreck. “She’s asleep, though, so if you came to see her, you’re too late.”

  “I came to see you,” I said, sitting down across from him. “How drunk are you?”

  He lifted a shoulder. “Not drunk enough to stop feeling the pain, but drunk enough to dull it the tiniest of tiny bits.”

  The half-empty bottle of whiskey sat in front of him on the coffee table, and I picked it up. “Well, then…bottoms up.”

  Saluting him, I tipped my head back and swallowed a big gulp. It tasted like acid, but I didn’t care. Swiping my forearm across my mouth, I leaned back and studied him. He watched me through narrowed eyes, his chest rising and falling with each breath.

  “You drink whiskey now?”

  I shrugged. “I do tonight, yeah.”

  “Why tonight?” he asked, those bright blue eyes of his locked on me.

  Smirking, I used his most common response back on him. “Why do you think I’m drinking whiskey tonight?”

  The commercial break ended behind me, and the reporter continued. “Has Mackenzie Forbes moved on from bad boy Austin Murphy? Our sources say yes! She was spotted today in Miami with country’s golden boy Luke Granger, getting cozy over dinner. Could you think of a better match than those two? We can’t. Sources say they were snuggling, laughing, and even shared dessert. Looks like America’s Sweetheart has moved on to greener—”

  The TV shut off. Austin tossed the remote aside and finished his drink. “Assholes. All of them.”

  “I got your flowers.”

  He flexed his jaw. “How? I threw them out.”

  “Harry got them out of the can.”

  “Oh.” He shifted his weight in his chair. “You didn’t throw them away again?”

  “No.” I hesitated. “They’re pretty.”

  “Not as pretty as you.” He winced. “Fuck, that was corny as hell. Ignore that.”

  “It wasn’t corny. It was sweet.” I offered the bottle to him, and he held his glass out. I poured him two fingers and lifted the bottle back to my lips. “Don’t mind if I do.”

  He watched me as I took another gulp. “What are you doing?”

  “Drinking whiskey.” I set the bottle down. “What’s it look like I’m doing?”

  He sat forward, resting his weight on his elbows and knees. “You know what I mean. Why are you here, drinking with me?”

  “To see why you came to my hotel. And to talk about the flowers…and the note. The things you said in that note…” I picked up the bottle and took another gulp. He snatched it away the second I lowered it. “Hey. Give that back.”

  “You’re going to make yourself sick,” he said, his voice hard.

  “I don’t want to be sick. I just want to be drunk. To loosen up a bit. I’m so tired of being the one who worries all the time.” I stood up and stumbled a bit to the side. “Oops. Might already be a little drunk.”

  He steadied me, his mouth pressed into a tight line. “What do you mean about being the one who worries all the time?”

  “That’s why I broke up with you. I was worried you weren’t happy, and to be honest? You didn’t give me a reason to think I was wrong…until tonight.” I walked over to the picture of him and Rachel. She looked about two years younger, and he looked harder than he was now. Colder. More cynical. It hurt my heart. I could feel his eyes on me, so I tried to think of something to say. “You know, I don’t even have your phone number anymore. That kind of sucks.”

  He stood, too, and came up behind me. “Why? Do you want it?”

  I touched the picture, tracing the hard edge of his jaw. “How old were you here? You look so…different. Harder.”

  “Twenty-two. It was the day the courts granted me guardianship over Rachel, after Dad tried to kill her, and I almost killed him.” He set his glass down on the table. “But you already knew that, didn’t you?
”

  I licked my lips. “Yeah…”

  “And since you asked earlier, I came to your hotel because I wanted to see you.” He shifted on his feet. “To talk to you.”

  “What did you want to say?” I licked my lips and lifted my face to his. “Why did you bring me those flowers?”

  His jaw flexed. “Why do you think I’d bring you flowers?”

  There it was again. That stupid question that wasn’t really a question. “Austin…”

  “Fine.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. I’d always liked his nose. It had been broken a few times, but that showed me how strong he was. What he’d been through, and what he’d accomplished. “I came because I’m not okay. I’m not okay at all, but it seems like you are. And that fucking hurts.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not okay, either.”

  “And I came because Rachel told me I had to show you how much I love you, instead of just saying it all the time.” He locked eyes with me, the bright blue color seeming almost translucent. “I miss you. I love you, and I can’t live without you. It’s not just that I don’t want to. I don’t. But I also can’t, Mac. I can’t do it.”

  Swallowing back tears, I stepped closer. “I don’t, and can’t, either.”

  He continued on as if he didn’t hear me. “And every second I spend apart from you kills me a little bit more. When I saw you with that guy—that guy who’s a million times better for you than I will ever be—it hurt so much I’d wished, for just a second, that I’d never met you. Never fallen in love with you and lost you. It would hurt less.”

  “No. Austin…”

  He cupped my cheek, his touch tender and gentle, despite the rawness of his voice. The hurt and anger that lied beneath his words. “But then I took it all back immediately, because knowing you—loving you—has been a privilege. I’m just sad it’s one I don’t get to keep.”

  My heart beat loudly in my head, drowning out everything but him. This moment. “That’s what you wanted to say?”

  “Yes. And that…” He lifted his head and locked eyes with me, the intensity of his stare sucking me in until I drowned in their blue depths. “I don’t want to be free. I want to be attached to you—hook, line and sinker. I don’t want to screw other women. I want to love you. I love you so damn much, and until you…I didn’t even know what that kind of love was, or what it felt like. I didn’t know any of it, but now that I do, I can’t stand it anymore.”