by J. D. Mason
Roxy cocked a perfectly arched brow. “Why not?” She studied Terri for a moment. “Don’t you dare tell me you’re embarrassed.”
Terri just looked at her.
Roxy reared back. “Girl,” she said, smacking her lips.
“Roxy, can we not?” she asked, exasperated.
“Fine.” Roxy raised her hands in surrender. “I just want to make one comment and then I’ll leave it alone.” She paused, but Terri didn’t protest. “You’re a grown woman, T. A beautiful woman and free to be all the single woman you want to be.”
Terri grimaced. “What I did was shady.”
Roxy returned a see-saw nod. “Some might say that. However, it’s done. And—you broke up with the good doctor?”
“Of course, I did.”
“He doesn’t know?”
“Of course not. He doesn’t know and he never will if I have anything to do with it.”
“No harm, no foul, T.” Roxy leaned back, raised her glass in a toast and waited for Terri to raise hers too. “It’s done.”
Roxy was wrong. There was plenty harm and plenty foul, but she was right about one thing. The whole ordeal was over.
“So, when you book this role, are you moving back to civilization?”
“Hell, if I know,” Terri huffed, chuckling. “But for the last six months, I haven’t missed this. I haven’t flipped through pages of Variety to find out who was doing what in this industry. I haven’t kept my cell phone in the pocket of my bathrobe, waiting for you to call telling me about the part of a lifetime, getting flown out to Hollywood, and being set up in a five-star hotel by a big-named producer” — she waved her hand— “only to go to bed feeling pitiful, because that call never came.”
“I get it,” Roxy eventually said. “It’s feast or famine in this business and it’s not for the faint of heart, but it isn’t over for you, Terri. I never thought it was. I promised you that I’d keep looking for the right project for you and that’s what I’ve been doing. You’re the only one who’s given up on you, sis. Not me.”
Terri smiled warmly at her friend. “Thanks, Rox. You have no idea how much I appreciate you.”
“So, you nervous about the audition?”
“No,” Terri said, waiting for the butterflies to fill her stomach and make a liar out of her. It didn’t happen. “It’s odd, but I don’t feel anything. I’m excited to be back in L. A. because I’ve missed it. I loved the limo ride from the airport, and this hotel is magical.”
“They want you for this,” Roxy reminded her. “I hope you want it, too.”
Terri honestly wasn’t sure if she did, anymore.
* * *
Terri spent the next few days rehearsing the lines for her audition. The script had been picked up by a major movie network and Terri’s face would be on the movie’s poster. So, why wasn’t she jumping through hoops over this? Why was she sitting in this posh, Beverly Hills hotel, sipping hot tea and staring out the window as if her whole life wouldn’t be changed in an instant if she actually landed this role?
Terri’s phone vibrated. She glanced at the screen and saw Nick’s name. God! She did not need this right now. Terri let it ring until it stopped. A few moments later, she saw that he’d left a voicemail and Terri decided to listen to it.
“Hey. I know you’re probably busy hobnobbing with those Hollywood producers and all, but I wanted to—I don’t know…” his voice trailed off. “I probably shouldn’t have called. Good luck, Terri. I hope—I hope you get what you need from this.”
Terri loathed herself for what she’d done to him. Nick deserved a whole lot more than what she’d brought to the table. Terri had let him down as gently as she could. Nick was on his way to something serious with a woman, love, marriage, and kids. But from the beginning, despite her best efforts, she couldn’t really see herself being that woman.
Time, she thought, could’ve changed her mind. Patience would’ve been required on his part, though. She really was trying to find herself, as cliché as it sounded, and until she did, the Dr. Nicks of the world would have to take a back seat. What kind of woman would she have been to get into a serious relationship using the “L” word if she had only a vague notion of herself?
A little voice whispered to her, “So, what about Luther?”
Terri rolled her eyes and groaned, “Shut up.”
She didn’t feel any way about Luther. The two of them just spoke the same language. That’s all. Both were entertainers and creatives and without having to say it, they connected on a cosmic, spiritual level that didn’t need to be spoken.
The night she and Nick watched Luther perform in New Orleans, Nick’s eyes were wide with admiration of his father playing on that stage. Terri’s soul was lit up at the joy emanating from the man immersed in the heart and soul of his passion, his art. Luther shone like a beacon, in his element, living his purpose. She knew that feeling. Terri felt it with him and for him that night. She envied him.
So, here she was, sitting smack down in the middle of an opportunity to have her own soul immersive moment, and Terri had been searching long and hard for her own light. It was like the damn thing had blown a fuse or something. She couldn’t find it, and if she was going to give the audition of her lifetime, she desperately needed it.
Terri picked up the script and stared at the words. She loved acting because through it, she could be everyone and anyone, but in doing so, she’d never learned to be who she was. She’d always believed that to be a good actress, she had to sacrifice her whole self for it, but maybe that had been the problem.
As if on cue, Luther’s words came back to her.
“Don’t let go, even emotionally, of what you love. …remember why you love it, Terri.”
Did she still love it? Did she still need it?
Sweet Dreams
“Terri! Wow,” Desmond Williams gushed when Terri entered the audition room. The handsome producer made his way across the room to Terri, took hold of her hands and kissed her cheek. “I would never have thought it possible, but you’re even more beautiful than I remember.”
Terri blushed. “And you are absolutely kind and generous with your compliments, Desmond.” She leaned back and smiled. “Thank you so very much for this opportunity.”
“Please,” he said, lighting his fingers to his chest. “I’m so happy you agreed to come and do this. When I first read this script, I thought of you and only you for the part of Irene.”
Terri squeezed his hands in appreciation. “I don’t mean to put your feet to the fire, but why me?”
He raised his brows in surprise. “You serious? I mean, you’re one of the best and most underrated actresses in the business, Terri.”
He said it like he meant it. He said it so that she had no choice but to believe him.
“This role is perfect for you.”
He was right. After reading the script, Terri felt like the role was written just for her. Being here now, Terri was starting to feel what she’d been waiting to feel for days. A sense of purpose and belonging. A spark of excitement and even trepidation, nerves, the way she used to get before every audition. Adrenaline, fired in her veins and, like always, she drew strength from it.
“I think it’s the most compelling role I’ve ever auditioned for,” she agreed.
He smiled, then took her over to meet the rest of the team, including Roxy and the actors she’d be doing a scene with.
“Ready when you are, Terri,” Desmond announced after everyone had settled down.
The scene was particularly gripping, where Irene, desperate to find her child, confronts an ex-convict who’d spent twenty years in prison for third-degree murder.
Terri took several deep breaths, before magically and instantly becoming Irene, challenging a man feared by everyone in the neighborhood.
“I don’t care who you are or what you’ve done,” she began, gathering her courage, the courage needed to face this dangerous man and save her child. “I don’t give a damn who y
ou are, or what you’ve done.” Her voice cracked. “I need your help.”
Terri pursed her lips, curled her fists and glared at this beast of a man, portrayed by a young actor, reading from the script.
“Why the hell would I help you? You don’t mean shit to me and neither does your kid, lady.”
He turned his back to her and began to walk away. Terri aggressively grabbed his arm and circled to the front of him.
“What if she was yours?” Terri blurted out in fearless passion, pointing her finger at the man. “Your baby girl out there, snatched off the street, out of her life by people who only see a body and money and not some terrified, little girl?”
“But she ain’t mine, and I’m going to keep on minding my damn business, lady… and leave you to yours,” he said dismissively.
“I read about you,” she told him. “That you’d been set up or wrongly convicted. That you spent time in prison for a crime you didn’t commit.”
He huffed and turned back to her. “Don’t believe everything you read.”
Tears streamed down her cheeks. “No one helped you.”
“Lady—” he said, exasperated.
“No one came to your rescue, or heard you, or gave a damn about you.”
“It’s not the same thing,” he argued. “What happened to your kid is not—”
“It’s exactly the same,” she yelled. “It’s the fuckin’ same because, just like my baby, you were invisible too. What if just one person had listened? What if just one person had said, I believe you, fought like hell to save you?”
“Yeah, well I didn’t need saving.”
“She does,” she said with compassion. “I can’t do this alone.” Real tears stung her eyes. “I’m asking—no, begging you to be that one person for my baby.”
“She’s got you.”
“I’m not enough,” she snapped, a tear rolling dramatically down her cheek. Terri quickly wiped it away. “Please,” she gave in to the desperation this character was feeling. “I need to save her, and I need you to help me because there is no one else for her, for me. Please.”
Applause erupted and everyone in the room who wasn’t standing, bolted to their feet.
“Remember how it makes you feel when all the planets are aligned, you’re in your zone, and nothing or nobody can derail you. And then remember, that it’s you who brings the magic to the craft. Not the other way around.”
She remembered.
Half an hour later, Terri and Roxy huddled together in the corner of the room.
“Oh my God, Terri,” Roxy exclaimed, wrapping her arms around her. “You were amazing, girl.”
“It felt good, Rox,” Terri beamed. “Felt so right. Bringing a character like that to life has been what I’ve dreamed of doing my whole life.”
“It’s your role, Terri. No one else can play Irene but you. If Desmond and everyone else in that room weren’t convinced before. They’re convinced now.”
She had been so silly to think that she could walk away from all of this. These were her people. This was her world, and only Terri had the magic to bring Irene to life. Not anyone else.
Terri went to the bathroom, while Roxy headed to the lobby. On her, she caught a glimpse of a familiar face; A-lister Joy Graham, chatting it up with Desmond in the audition room. Terri stopped. The woman glanced dismissively at Terri over Desmond’s shoulder, then shifted her focus back to the producer.
The question punched Terri hard in the gut. What was Joy doing here? The woman had several Emmy’s under her belt and even an Oscar nomination. In an instant, Terri fell into the old trap of negativity. The feeling of losing before she’d had a chance to win, soured in her gut.
“Is that Joyce Graham I just saw?” she asked Roxy, standing outside.
“Yes,” Roxy acknowledged. “She and Desmond are old friends. I hear she’s interested in co-producing a new project with him.”
Terri breathed a subtle sigh of relief.
Roxy chuckled. “I know what you’re thinking, and you have nothing to worry about, Terri. The role is yours. Desmond’s assistant promised to send the contract to me by the end of the month, lady.” Roxy held the door open for Terri. “It’s all good.”
Terri had a few days left in L.A. She lounged by the pool, reclining on a chaise with her eyes closed, nursing a glass of Riesling and wearing a two piece, her mind reeling with thoughts of her next move. Since leaving Atlanta, she’d put on a good ten pounds, but she wasn’t worried. Terri would get the weight off in plenty of time to start filming.
One thing she knew for certain. It was time to leave Devastation. Terri would put the house on the market and find a small condo—where? L. A.? Atlanta? New York? No. Not New York. And not L. A.
Devastation had given her a taste of small town living that she found surprisingly addictive. So, maybe she’d find a place in the Valley or in Northern California.
Landing this role had not only resurrected her career, but it brought life back to her spirit. Fuck finding herself. Terri knew who she was, and what she was, and what she wanted. It had never changed. She was Terri Dawson, actress… and a damn good one.
Getting this part snapped her out of that emotional coma she’d been in, which was probably the reason she’d become involved in that fiasco with Nick and Luther. Only a clueless woman would wind up in a mess like that, a woman who had no sense of self or purpose. A woman without goals, ambitions, and laser sharp focus on what her next move would be.
Terri hadn’t felt this in tune with who she was in ages. Getting fired from that reality show had been a blessing. The time away from the industry had been time she needed to rejuvenate. The role of Irene could very well land Terri that coveted Emmy nomination she’d always dreamed of.
A Woman Like Me
Nearly two weeks had passed since Terri’s audition and her feet still hadn’t touched the ground. She’d forgotten what it was like to feel this excited, to be this hopeful about the future of her career. A role like this was the kind of launching pad she needed to take her to the next level. After she hit forty, Terri began to hear her biological clock ticking. Not the kind warning her that time was running out to have a kid, but that her time as an actress, in an industry where youth and beauty were everything, was coming to an end. Sure, there were exceptions. Viola Davis could get any role she wanted, but Terri was no Viola. Halle was still Halle. They were the exceptions and not the rule, though. Terri wanted to be an exception.
Since returning home, her mind had been swirling with what to do next. Terri was going to have to move. Maybe not immediately, but eventually she needed to put herself a taxi ride away from the next audition. She’d grown fond of this little town. Devastation had wrapped around her like a blanket, and surprisingly, she’d made herself comfortable here, until Luther happened. But since ending her relationship with Nick and promising herself never to stand within five feet of Luther, Terri felt like she was standing on solid ground again.
Fate was sending her all kinds of signs that it was time to go, though. That major “uh-oh” with Luther was a blaring red flag that she needed to move on. How she’d managed to let herself go “there” still baffled Terri, especially considering how great Nick was. They’d spent months together and Teri could not pin down one negative thing about the man. He was ideal in every single way, except— Except nothing.
The October sun hung low in the air this Saturday afternoon. Terri decided to get out of the house… and her head, and spend some time at a local farmer’s market. She had put on some fluff since leaving Atlanta, and it was past time for her to get back down to her fighting weight. Fresh fruits and vegetables were back on the menu.
People in town still smiled politely, passing her, recognizing her as the celebrity who’d bought that old place on Dupelo. Every now and then, Terri would catch someone standing off in the distance snapping photos of her, but she’d pretend to be oblivious. Truthfully, it was all rather charming and she was definitely going to miss the atten
tion.
Terri stopped at a display of fresh pears. She was examining them when the sound of singing and music captured her attention. It was beautiful, bluesy and rich, drawing a crowd to a large tree across the park. Terri strolled over to the gathering and fell in with the crowd, captivated by the haunting sound of this Pied Piper calling to them.
The sounds of bongos, a flute and guitar wafted through the air, as Terri weeded her way through the crowd, making her way close enough to the front to see Luther, another old man, and two younger men, creating this warm, enveloping, and comforting song, in the middle of a crowded park.
The old man hummed and sang in a ragged, whiskey-tinged voice. Another man knelt beside him playing the flute, while the other, sitting next to Luther, tapped his fingertips on the tops of bongos. Luther, of course, expertly strummed an acoustic guitar, and then surprised everyone when he sang too, harmonizing with the old man like they’d been doing this for years.
It was a folk song, something local and homegrown, charming in its unevenness, unpolished. Terri stared, mesmerized at Luther, looking unimpressed by the spell he and the other men wove underneath that tree. The old man led the group down a rabbit hole of history, riddled with pain and heartbreak. Luther and the others followed close behind him, and the crowd gathered around, trailed behind.
Terri was transfixed by Luther. A strong, sad, and lonely man, unaware of the impact he had on her that even Terri couldn’t explain. Luther had built a moat around himself. One that he was desperate to cross but refused to. He’d let her cross it, though, to get to him. She’d been telling herself that their encounter had just been about sex. But it wasn’t. Not for her. And she suspected it hadn’t been that for him either, though, he’d go to his grave before admitting it… because of Nick.
She wanted more of Luther. Not just intimately. Terri wanted to know him, all of him in ways she’d never been interested in knowing another human being. There was something rich about his energy that was a magnet for hers. There were stories in him she instinctively knew could capture and hold her attention for hours, listening to them unravel in his telling.