ANNIE. Hasn't she made the room lovely, eh?
WALTER. Very snazzy.
ANNIE. She's made it really feminine, hasn't she?
WALTER. Oh . . . without a shadow of doubt.
ANNIE. She should be in soon. She should be due home from night school in about half an hour.
Fade out and in: Night club.
SOLTO. What do you think of that?
SALLY. No, you've got real rhythm. Mr Solto, it's a pleasure.
SOLTO. I've always had rhythm. Take it from me. I was born with rhythm. My big toe can dance a polka by himself. My word of honour. My sweetheart and me, we used to dance by the sea at night, with the waves coming in. You ever done that?
SALLY. No. Never. Let's have a drink.
TULLY. How you getting on, you two?
SOLTO. Marvellous.
SALLY. Lovely.
SOLTO. See us on the floor?
TULLY. What were you doing on the floor?
SALLY. Dancing!
SOLTO. You should have seen him at Blackheath. Go on, off you go, Cyril, we're talking about philosophy here.
TULLY. Mind how you go.
He goes.
SOLTO and SALLY go to the table and sit.
SOLTO. I was going to say something to you.
SALLY. What?
SOLTO. I own a private beach. On the South Coast. It's all my own. A little beach hut. Well, not so little. It's big. It's not a hut either. It's a bit bigger than a hut. It's got Indian carpets, it's got the front side full of windows looking out to the sea, it's got central heating, and the waves . . . the waves come right up to the front step. You can lie on a divan and watch them come closer and closer. How would you like to lie there in the moonlight, eh, and watch the waves come closer and closer?
SALLY. Sounds . . . very nice.
SOLTO. Next week-end we'll go down, eh.
SALLY. Well, I . . .
SOLTO. No excuses! I'll barbecue a boar on the beach, my word of honour.
SALLY. Where you going to get the boar?
SOLTO. Specially from France – where else? Listen. You want to know a little secret? I came down here specifically to look for you.
SALLY. What do you mean?
SOLTO. I got hold of this photo of you, see? So I got hold of the photographer. He told me what club it was, and here I am.
SALLY. Where'd you get the photo?
SOLTO. That I'm not supposed to tell you. You see, what I was doing, I was looking for you for a pal of mine.
SALLY. A pal? . . . Who?
SOLTO. Don't worry about it. I'm not going to tell him where he can find you. No. I wouldn't let a man like that get hold of a lovely girl like you.
SALLY. What's his name?
SOLTO. He's a man called Wally. Wally Street. He's always in and out of the nick. He's a forger, a petty thief, does post-office books. You know him?
SALLY. No.
SOLTO. Funny . . . I don't know what he . . . anyway, forget all about it. But I'll give him his due. If it wasn't for him showing me this photo, where would I be, eh. And where would you be.
SALLY. Yes. Where would I be?
Fade out and in.
A knock at the front door.
WALTER goes through the hall door.
SOLTO. Hullo, Wally, I'll come in a minute. I've got a cab outside.
They go into the room.
WALTER. What's up? Have you found the girl?
SOLTO. The girl? What girl?
WALTER. The girl. That photo I gave you. You know.
SOLTO. Oh, the girl! You mean thr girl I was trying to . . .
WALTER. Yes, I thought that might be why you've come round.
SOLTO. You're dead right. That's exactly why I've come round.
WALTER. That's what I thought.
SOLTO. And you weren't wrong.
Pause.
WALTER. Well. Where is she?
SOLTO. That's what I wanted to tell you. I can't find her.
WALTER. You can't find her?
SOLTO. Not a smell. That's exactly what I came round to tell you.
WALTER. Not a smell, eh.
SOLTO. Not a whiff.
WALTER. I thought you were on her track.
SOLTO. There's no track. I been everywhere. The Madrigal. The Whip Room. The Gamut. Pedros. Nobody knew the face. Wait a minute – Pedro said he might have seen her once round a few back doubles in Madrid. She been to Madrid?
WALTER. How would I know? I've never met her.
SOLTO. I thought you had.
WALTER. Didn't you locate that club?
SOLTO. What club?
WALTER. In the photo.
SOLTO. No. What I thought, the best thing to do would be to get hold of the photographer, you see. So I paid him a call.
WALTER. What did he say?
SOLTO. He wasn't there. He'd gone to Canada for a conference.
WALTER. What kind of conference?
SOLTO. A dental conference. He's going to be a dentist.
WALTER. Why'd he give up photography?
SOLTO. He had a change of heart. You know how it is. He gave me a cup of coffee, told me his life story.
WALTER. Who did?
SOLTO. His brother. The chiropodist. He's in dead trouble that boy, he can't meet his overheads.
WALTER. Look here, Mr Solto, if I were you, I'd give up the whole thing.
SOLTO. You want my opinion? I think the photo's a fake. There's no such club. There's no girl. They don't exist.
WALTER. That's exactly what I think.
Pause.
SOLTO. You do?
WALTER. Exactly.
SOLTO. Who knows? You might be right.
WALTER. That photo. It's a fake. You'll never find her.
SOLTO. How can it be a fake? I thought you knew her.
WALTER. I never said I knew her. I've never met her.
SOLTO. But that's what I'm saying. There's no one to know. You've never seen her. I've never seen her. There's no one to see.
WALTER. She doesn't exist.
Pause.
SOLTO. All the same look, the girl's there. That's the photo of someone.
WALTER. No one I know.
Pause.
SOLTO. Take my tip, Wally, wipe the whole business from your head, wipe it clean out of your mind.
WALTER. That's what I think you'd better do, Mr Solto.
Front door. Footsteps.
SOLTO. What's that?
WALTER. That's the school teacher.
SOLTO. That's your mark. Someone with an education. She keeps nice hours for a school teacher. Where's she been, night school?
Fade out and in to footsteps on stairs.
Knock on the door.
WALTER. Are you there?
He tries the door. It is locked.
Are you in there? I want to speak to you. Let me in a minute. Will you let me in a minute? What's up with you? What the hell's up with you? Let me in. I want to speak to you.
Silence.
ANNIE. She's gone.
MILLY. Gone?
ANNIE. Here's a note.
MILLY. Where's she gone?
ANNIE. She left a note.
MILLY. What does it say?
ANNIE. Dear Misses Billet. I'm very sorry, but an urgent matter has called me away suddenly. I don't know when I'll be back, so I thought I better take everything. I didn't want to wake you up. Thank you. Good-bye. I'm going to tell Wally.
ANNIE'S footsteps into the front room.
Wally. Wake up.
Pause.
She's gone away.
WALTER. Who?
ANNIE. She left a note. Look.
Pause while he reads.
WALTER. Yes, well . . . she . . . obviously had to go away.
Pause.
ANNIE. You didn't have any arguments with her, did you, Wally?
WALTER. No.
ANNIE. You didn't see her last night after she came back from night school?
WALTER. No.
MILLY enters.
MILLY. I just found this photo in her room.
ANNIE. Ah. Doesn't she look lovely holding that netball?
MILLY. With all the schoolgirls.
ANNIE. I never knew she was the games mistress. She never told us.
Pause.
MILLY. It looks as though she's gone for good.
Pause.
WALTER. Yes.
Pause.
That's what it looks like.
Fade.
Revue Sketches
TROUBLE IN THE WORKS
THE BLACK AND WHITE
REQUEST STOP
LAST TO GO
SPECIAL OFFER
THE BLACK AND WHITE and TROUBLE IN THE WORKS were performed in the revue One to Another, which opened at the Lyric, Hammersmith on 15 July 1959.
LAST TO GO, REQUEST STOP and SPECIAL OFFER were performed in the revue Pieces of Eight, which opened at the Apollo Theatre, London on 23 September 1959.
TROUBLE IN THE WORKS
An office in a factory. MR. FIBBS at the desk. A knock at the door. Enter MR. WILLS.
FIBBS: Ah, Wills. Good. Come in. Sit down, will you?
WILLS: Thinks, Mr. Fibbs.
FIBBS: You got my message?
WILLS: I just got it.
FIBBS: Good. Good.
Pause.
Good. Well now . . . Have a cigar?
WILLS: No, thanks, not for me, Mr. Fibbs.
FIBBS: Well, now, Wills, I hear there's been a little trouble in the factory.
WILLS: Yes, I . . . I suppose you could call it that, Mr. Fibbs.
FIBBS: Well, what in heaven's name is it all about?
WILLS: Well, I don't exactly know how to put it, Mr. Fibbs.
FIBBS: Now come on, Wills, I've got to know what it is, before I can do anything about it.
WILLS: Well, Mr. Fibbs, it's simply a matter that the men have . . . well, they seem to have taken a turn against some of the products.
FIBBS: Taken a turn?
WILLS: They just don't seem to like them much any more.
FIBBS: Don't like them? But we've got the reputation of having the finest machine part turnover in the country. They're the best paid men in the industry. We've got the cheapest canteen in Yorkshire. No two menus are alike. We've got a billiard hall, haven't we, on the premises, we've got a swimming pool for use of staff. And what about the long-playing record room? And you tell me they're dissatisfied?
WILLS: Oh, the men are very grateful for all the amenities, sir. They just don't like the products.
FIBBS: But they're beautiful products. I've been in the business a lifetime. I've never seen such beautiful products.
WILLS: There it is, sir.
FIBBS: Which ones don't they like?
WILLS: Well, there's the brass pet cock, for instance.
FIBBS: The brass pet cock? What's the matter with the brass pet cock?
WILLS: They just don't seem to like it any more.
FIBBS: But what exactly don't they like about it?
WILLS: Perhaps it's just the look of it.
FIBBS: That brass pet cock? But I tell you it's perfection. Nothing short of perfection.
WILLS: They've just gone right off it.
FIBBS: Well, I'm flabbergasted.
WILLS: It's not only the brass pet cock, Mr. Fibbs.
FIBBS: What else?
WILLS: There's the hemi unibal spherical rod end.
FIBBS: The hemi unibal spherical rod end? Where could you find a finer rod end?
WILLS: There are rod ends and rod ends, Mr. Fibbs.
FIBBS: I know there are rod ends and rod ends. But where could you find a finer hemi unibal spherical rod end?
WILLS: They just don't want to have anything more to do with it.
FIBBS: This is shattering. Shattering. What else? Come on, Wills. There's no point in hiding anything from me.
WILLS: Well, I hate to say it, but they've gone very vicious about the high speed taper shank spiral flute reamers.
FIBBS: The high speed taper shank spiral flute reamers! But that's absolutely ridiculous! What could they possibly have against the high speed taper shank spiral flute reamers?
WILLS: All I can say is they're in a state of very bad agitation about them. And then there's the gunmetal side outlet relief with handwheel.
FIBBS: What!
WILLS: There's the nippled connector and the nippled adaptor and the vertical mechanical comparator.
FIBBS: No!
WILLS: And the one they can't speak about without trembling is the jaw for Jacob's chuck for use on portable drill.
FIBBS: My own Jacob's chuck? Not my very own Jacob's chuck?
WILLS: They've just taken a turn against the whole lot of them, I tell you. Male elbow adaptors, tubing nuts, grub screws, internal fan washers, dog points, half dog points, white metal bushes—
FIBBS: But not, surely not, my lovely parallel male stud couplings.
WILLS: They hate and detest your lovely parallel male stud couplings, and the straight flange pump connectors, and back nuts, and front nuts, and the bronzedraw off cock with handwheel and the bronzedraw off cock without handwheel!
FIBBS: Not the bronzedraw off cock with handwheel?
WILLS: And without handwheel.
FIBBS: Without handwheel?
WILLS: And with handwheel.
FIBBS: Not with handwheel?
WILLS: And without handwheel.
FIBBS: Without handwheel?
WILLS: With handwheel and without handwheel.
FIBBS: With handwheel and without handwheel?
WILLS: With or without!
Pause.
FIBBS [broken]: Tell me. What do they want to make in its place?
WILLS: Brandy balls.
THE BLACK AND WHITE
The FIRST OLD WOMAN is sitting at a milk bar table. Small. A SECOND OLD WOMAN approaches. Tall. She is carrying two bowls of soup, which are covered by two plates, on each of which is a slice of bread. She puts the bowls down on the table carefully.
SECOND: You see that one come up and speak to me at the counter?
She takes the bread plates off the bowls, takes two spoons from her pocket, and places the bowls, plates and spoons.
FIRST: You got the bread, then?
SECOND: I didn't know how I was going to carry it. In the end I put the plates on top of the soup.
FIRST: I like a bit of bread with my soup.
They begin the soup. Pause.
SECOND: Did you see that one come up and speak to me at the counter?
FIRST: Who?
SECOND: Comes up to me, he says, hullo, he says, what's the time by your clock? Bloody liberty. I was just standing there getting your soup.
FIRST: It's tomato soup.
SECOND: What's the time by your clock? he says.
FIRST: I bet you answered him back.
SECOND: I told him all right. Go on, I said, why don't you get back into your scraghole, I said, clear off out of it before I call a copper.
Pause.
FIRST: I've not long got here.
SECOND: Did you get the all-night bus?
FIRST: I got the all-night bus straight here.
SECOND: Where from?
FIRST: Marble Arch.
SECOND: Which one?
FIRST: The two-nine-four, that takes me all the way to Fleet Street.
SECOND: So does the two-nine-one. [Pause.] I see you talking to two strangers as I come in. You want to stop talking to strangers, old piece of boot like you, you mind who you talk to.
FIRST: I wasn't talking to any strangers.
Pause. The FIRST OLD WOMAN follows the progress of a bus through the window.
That's another all-night bus gone down. [Pause.] Going up the other way. Fulham way. [Pause.] That was a two-nine-seven. [Pause.] I've never been up that way. [Pause.] I've been down to Liverpool Street.
SECOND: That's up the other way.
FIRST: I don't fancy going down there,
down Fulham way, and all up there.
SECOND: Uh-uh.
FIRST: I've never fancied that direction much.
Pause.
SECOND: How's your bread?
Pause.
FIRST: Eh?
SECOND: Your bread.
FIRST: All right. How's yours?
Pause.
SECOND: They don't charge for the bread if you have soup.
FIRST: They do if you have tea.
SECOND: If you have tea they do. [Pause.] You talk to strangers they'll take you in. Mind my word. Coppers'll take you in.
FIRST: I don't talk to strangers.
SECOND: They took me away in the wagon once.
FIRST: They didn't keep you though.
SECOND: They didn't keep me, but that was only because they took a fancy to me. They took a fancy to me when they got me in the wagon.
FIRST: Do you think they'd take a fancy to me?
SECOND: I wouldn't back on it.
The FIRST OLD WOMAN gazes out of the window.
FIRST: You can see what goes on from this top table. [Pause.] It's better than going down to that place on the embankment, anyway.
SECOND: Yes, there's not too much noise.
FIRST: There's always a bit of noise.
SECOND: Yes, there's always a bit of life.
Pause.
FIRST: They'll be closing down soon to give it a scrub-round.
SECOND: There's a wind out.
Pause.
FIRST: I wouldn't mind staying.
SECOND: They won't let you.
FIRST: I know. [Pause.] Still, they only close hour and half, don't they? [Pause.] It's not long. [Pause.] You can go along, then come back.
SECOND: I'm going. I'm not coming back.
FIRST: When it's light I come back. Have my tea.
SECOND: I'm going. I'm going up to the Garden.
FIRST: I'm not going down there. [Pause.] I'm going up to Waterloo Bridge.
SECOND: You'll just about see the last two-nine-six come up over the river.
FIRST: I'll just catch a look of it. Time I get up there.
Pause.
It don't look like an all-night bus in daylight, do it?
REQUEST STOP
A queue at a Request Bus Stop. A WOMAN at the head, with a SMALL MAN in a raincoat next to her, two other WOMEN and a MAN.
WOMAN [to SMALL MAN]: I beg your pardon, what did you say?
Pause.
Complete Works, Volume II Page 18