by Amy Ruttan
I was going to tell her, but I was also going to tell her that the monarchy no longer exists.
Andreas was confused. “I don’t understand...”
I’m forming a democracy, Andreas. I will still be King, but I will just be a figurehead. I will help the people rebuild Isla Hermosa and they will vote in a prime minster and elect officials. The people will run Isla Hermosa. I will not.
Andreas blinked and then bowed his head, ashamed. “Your Majesty, I’m sorry that I doubted your abilities.”
Kainan sighed and gripped his half brother’s shoulders. It’s all right. I just pray that it’s not too late to turn this around with Reagan. I still want her as my Queen, but only when she wants to become my Queen. And Peter can inherit one day, but he doesn’t have to. There will be a government.
“I’m glad to hear that, Your Majesty.”
Andreas turned and they walked out of the hospital together.
Have the police come for you yet? Kainan asked.
“No, I know how to get away with murder, Your Majesty,” Andreas teased. “I can fake an apartment break-in without being caught.”
Kainan smiled. I will still need a head of security, but I think that you should run for prime minister when we go back to Isla Hermosa. You would be a fine elected leader. You’re a war hero, as was your father before you.
Andreas nodded. “Perhaps—but right now I want to make sure you and your family are taken care of.”
Kainan hugged Andreas. I’m still ticked off at you for sticking your nose in where it doesn’t belong.
“I know, but if I hadn’t then everything would’ve been lost.”
Diego pulled up in front of the hospital and Kainan helped Andreas in first and then climbed in himself. He had to make things right with Reagan before it was too late.
When they got to the apartment Diego helped Andreas out and Kainan ran inside. At least he knew that she would be there. Everything of hers was still there, and he had a key so she couldn’t lock him out.
When he got to their floor he passed a locksmith and saw Reagan standing in the doorway, her arms crossed and her face like thunder.
He started to sign. Let me explain—
“Save it,” she said. “Andreas told me everything.”
Not everything.
“He told me that you needed me to marry you so you can legitimize Peter and that when you die he’ll be King? Is that correct, or is there more to that story?” she asked.
That was true, but now there is more.
She raised an eyebrow. “I’m listening.”
That was true up until this afternoon. Now I have changed everything. I don’t need to marry you for Peter to be King.
Reagan reeled as if she had been slapped. “How nice for you.”
Reagan, I’m creating a democracy. I will just be a figurehead now.
She didn’t say anything, but he saw he was getting through to her. She hadn’t shut him out yet.
Peter will become King whether we are married or not, he signed. And he too will only be a figurehead. Isla Hermosa is to become a democracy. And with that the old monarchy was replaced. My officials at the embassy and back home are working with the prime ministers of Canada and Britain to make this happen. There will be peace now because of this.
“I’m very happy to hear there will be peace,” she said softly.
But...?
“You lied to me. You constantly asked me to marry you because you said you wanted to protect me.”
I did.
“You did?” she asked, her eyes shining with tears. “And that’s the trouble. Now that I’m not needed anymore, you’re free. You don’t need me.”
Reagan, I still want to protect you.
“I wish I could believe that, Kainan. I really wish I could. But first you lie to me and then you don’t tell me that you’re King of a country. You don’t contact me and tell me that you’re still alive.”
I couldn’t tell you I was alive. I was in hiding. Besides, I didn’t know where in Canada you were.
Reagan ignored him. “You told me your surgery was risky, but not how risky. Why did you feel the need to lie to me?”
To protect you!
She nodded. “I don’t believe it. I can’t. You’ve broken my trust, Kainan. You’ve hurt me too much. You’re welcome to be a part of Peter’s life, but I will fight you if you try and take him out of Canada and away from me. He’s too fragile to live a life like yours.”
Reagan, please don’t turn me away.
Although he wouldn’t blame her for doing so. And he couldn’t sign the words he needed to say because he wanted to say them. To use his own words to tell her he loved her.
I need you, Reagan. I want you in my life.
Reagan sighed and a tear slipped down her cheek. “I wish I could believe that, Kainan. I wish that I could.”
She turned back into her apartment and shut the door. Shutting him out of her life.
He sighed sadly, but he wasn’t giving up.
He’d come too far to give up on her now.
Even if she didn’t want to marry him, he was going to have Reagan in his life and he would do anything to win her back.
He would not be the man his father had been.
* * *
It was heartbreaking to spend Peter’s first Christmas alone with him, especially when she’d thought Kainan would be there.
She’d thought for a brief moment that they were becoming a family—and then she’d found out the real reason why he wanted a family.
To protect the crown when he died.
He needed them, but not in the way she’d hoped he would. Did he even really want them?
Still, this was the way she’d thought she was going to spend Peter’s first Christmas, when she’d been pregnant with him and had thought Kainan was dead.
It was scary how dependent she’d become on Kainan without really realizing. She’d got used to having him around.
They had even planned to spend Peter’s first Christmas together, but since she’d turned him away on Christmas Eve she hadn’t seen him.
It was now Boxing Day, and she was considering going next door and talking to him. Perhaps she’d been too harsh on him. She wanted him involved in Peter’s life, but that was it. They could work together for as long as he was at the hospital, and they could work together to raise Peter, but that was where she had to draw the line.
She couldn’t risk her heart again.
But you love him. Love is always worth the risk.
Her phone started ringing and she answered it.
“Reagan, it’s Michael.”
He sounded completely stressed out.
“Michael? Is everything okay?”
“UNOS called. There’s a match, and I’ve sent a recovery team to Ottawa to get it. There’s a heart for your son. You need to bring Peter in right away.”
Her heart skipped a beat.
So soon.
She’d only just got him home. She had been enjoying her time with him and now she had to take him back and put him in the hands of the surgeons.
“I’ll be right there. Thank you, Michael.”
Reagan hung up the phone. She could hear Peter stirring through the baby monitor.
She grabbed the baby monitor and left her apartment, heading straight to Kainan’s. She knocked on the door. She could feel panic rising.
Diego answered the door. “Dr. Cote?”
“Is Kainan here?”
“No,” Diego said. “Andreas took His Majesty over to the hospital early this morning to have his surgery.”
“His surgery? Right...that’s today too.”
The world began to spin out of control. Peter and Kainan were both having surgery on the same day. She could potentially lose them both.
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“Is everything okay, Dr. Cote?”
“Can I get a ride to the hospital? It’s Peter—they’ve found him a heart.”
“Yes, of course. I will meet you downstairs in ten minutes.”
Reagan nodded and went back to her apartment as Diego closed the door. She went straight to Peter, who smiled when she entered the room.
Her body shook and she smiled back at him. “My little love,” she whispered as she carefully picked him up and held him tight.
What if this was the last time she got to hold him? What if he didn’t survive?
Right now she wasn’t in the mind-set of a surgeon. She was in the mind-set of a mother who was terrified about what she might lose.
And Kainan was going to have surgery too.
She could lose it all in one fell swoop.
She had to make things right.
Reagan kissed Peter’s head. “I’m going to make it right for you. I swear.”
She would do better for her son than her parents ever had for her.
She packed up Peter’s ventricular device and got him into his car seat, covering him with a blanket. She grabbed everything Peter needed and hurried out of the apartment.
* * *
Kainan was in pre-op with Andreas. He wanted to see Reagan. He’d gotten word that a heart for Peter had been found.
Screw this.
He got out of the bed where he’d been waiting for Dr. Shaw.
“Your Majesty?” Andreas said in alarm.
Tell Dr. Shaw I will be back in time for my surgery. I have to see Reagan and Peter.
Andreas nodded. “Yes, Your Majesty.”
Kainan pulled on his street clothes and left the room. His throat was tight and his pulse was racing. He cleared his throat and rolled his shoulders. It was hard to breathe. It had been getting harder to breathe since Reagan had locked him out of her life.
She was his air. His freedom. And he needed her.
It was stress that was making him feel this way, and he knew he wouldn’t relax until he saw Peter and Reagan.
He made his way to the pediatric floor, where they were prepping Peter. He could hear him crying. He’d never heard him cry before. Reagan hadn’t let him see him since he’d been discharged two days ago. Not that he blamed her. He’d ruined everything by not telling her the truth.
Hearing Peter cry was an amazing thing.
It was strong.
Reagan turned around and her expression softened, making his heart skip a beat. He wanted to comfort her, but didn’t want her to push him away.
“What’re you doing here?” Reagan asked.
I’m his father, Kainan signed.
“I know, but I thought you would be in pre-op yourself.”
Who told you?
“Diego. You’re going through with it?”
Of course.
“You could die,” she said, biting her lip as if she was holding something back. “If you’re just to be a figurehead then you don’t need to go through with this surgery. There are less riskier surgeries to remove adhesions.”
I do.
“Kainan, it’s too risky.”
He nodded. So is this.
They both turned to Peter as the gurney came in and the pediatric cardiologist, Dr. Bruni, entered the room.
“Reagan and Kainan.” He nodded at them both. “The heart is on its way from the airport. We’re now going to take Peter into surgery and remove the ventricular device and put him on bypass. You both know the procedure. He will be in the pediatric critical care unit for some time and will be on anti-rejection drugs for the rest of his life.”
Reagan nodded and Kainan felt numb.
She stepped forward and kissed Peter goodbye.
Kainan took a step toward his son. The last time he’d gone off to surgery Kainan hadn’t even been able to look at him. It had been too painful—as was this.
What if something happened and he didn’t ever get to know his son?
What if he died in the operating room himself?
Better me than Peter.
He touched his son’s head and then kissed him. He couldn’t say that he loved him. He had no voice with which to say it. But he hoped Peter knew that he did.
He couldn’t lose Peter. Kainan wanted time with him. Parents were never supposed to outlast their own children, though he’d seen it every day when he was a surgeon.
Life was complicated and messy. And he wanted Peter to experience it all.
He stepped back and they wheeled Peter away.
Reagan broke down in tears, sobbing into her hands, her shoulders shaking. Kainan took her in his arms and she clung to him.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered against his neck. “I’m so sorry.”
When she looked up he signed, What for?
“For pushing you away. I never gave you a chance to explain anything. You were carrying around this tremendous burden and I should’ve been more sympathetic. I know what it’s like to carry around a burden as big as that, and I’m sorry I didn’t give you the chance. I was afraid.”
Of what?
“Of relying on you and losing you. I’ve never had anyone before. Never had love...or a family. Not really.”
Me neither.
“Only you have ever cared for me.”
I understand. I had people to rely on, people to protect me, and I was never alone—but I really was. I was scared of relying on you too, Reagan. I was scared of...
Kainan felt his throat tighten and he touched her face. The room began to spin and he shook his head, trying to focus.
He was finding it hard to breathe.
And he couldn’t call for help.
He couldn’t tell her what was happening.
“Kainan?” she said, panic in her voice.
I love you. That was the last thought he had before everything went black.
* * *
Reagan screamed out as Kainan’s knees buckled under him and she helped him to the floor. As she laid him out she couldn’t hear any breath sounds. She hit the panic button on the wall to call a code and then she tried to breathe for him, compressing his chest to keep his heart beating.
He’d stopped breathing.
She couldn’t lose him for real this time.
She hadn’t even had a chance to tell him that she loved him. That she forgave him and that she wanted to try and make it work. That she was tired of carrying her burden alone and that she now knew it was okay not to handle everything on your own.
It was okay to lean on someone else—especially someone you loved.
The code team came for him. They got a tube down his throat and started manually ventilating him.
She had to take a step back.
She couldn’t work on him.
They whisked him off to surgery.
“I can’t lose him,” Reagan said out loud to herself. “I thought I’d lost him once. I can’t go through that again.”
And she made a vow then and there that if Kainan came out of surgery she was going to make things right—just as she’d promised Peter.
She needed Kainan. She loved him.
As much as she had been taught that she didn’t need anyone, she knew she needed Kainan and he needed her. She wasn’t going to squander her second chance.
Not this time.
* * *
Pain was the first thing that Kainan felt. His throat was raw, as if it had been shredded with a thousand razor blades. His mouth was dry.
It took him a moment to realize what was happening and then he remembered. He had been with Reagan and they had just taken Peter away when he’d collapsed.
He tried to sit up, but it hurt.
“Don’t try and sit up,” Reagan said gently.
Kainan opene
d his eyes and smiled at her. He signed to ask her what had happened.
“Scar tissue blocked your airway. Dr. Shaw was able to get at it all, and repair your vocal cords, though it may be a few days before you will be able to speak. If you can’t speak don’t worry—it will come. You’re in the ICU, still.”
Peter? he asked, signing.
Reagan grinned, her smile bright. “He made it through. He did beautifully and is in the pediatric critical care unit.”
Kainan let out a sigh of relief. I want to go see him.
“We will. You’re still coming out of the sedation. Dr. Shaw wanted to make sure that you had some extra rest after your surgery yesterday, so he kept you in a medicated coma for a night.”
What day is it?
“The twenty-ninth. The New Year is coming and your move to a democracy went through. Your coronation will wait and your people are voting for their first prime minister.”
I am sorry about all that.
Reagan touched his face. “I know, and I’m sorry that I didn’t give you a proper chance. I was so scared of relying on anyone. I’ve been used to doing things on my own for so long.”
You have no reason to apologize.
“I do. I was devastated when I thought you were dead, Kainan. It crushed me. It felt like I’d lost my best friend, my partner, and then you came back and you were so distant. It killed me. I just didn’t want to risk my heart. I wasn’t even sure that I was feeling anything, what with Peter.”
I am the one who needs to apologize. I left you alone and I didn’t try and reach out to you. You carried our son alone, dealt with his devastating diagnosis alone. I should’ve been there. I felt like I was failing you the way I failed my brother.
“You didn’t fail your brother—he failed you and your country,” she said.
He shook his head. I should have tried harder to stop him. I could’ve done more to control him. And then maybe, just maybe, there wouldn’t have been a war. Lives could’ve been spared.
“Everything happens for a reason, Kainan. You weren’t your brother’s keeper. You did the best you could.”
I’m sorry, Reagan. I’m sorry for deceiving you, for abandoning you. I love you more than anything.
Reagan leaned over and kissed him. “I love you too. And, if the offer still stands, I would like to be your wife.”