Niya

by Fabiola Joseph

  “No, Niya, that’s not it at all. I—”

  “Yes the fuck it is. That shit that happened on campus today . . . man, that shit embarrassed the hell out of me. There I was, all proud and shit. I was standing there with the girl I love, and what does she do? She fucking crumbles as soon as someone thinks we’re together.” Niya looked away after she spoke. I was guessing to stop her own tears from falling. Once I saw the pain radiating from her eyes, I said, “Fuck it,” and just let mine flow.

  “Niya, please, you have to understand. I do love you, even more than I need you. Maybe I worded it wrong, but I do love you.”

  When she looked back up at me, her cheeks were wet too. “I would love for that to be true, Jamilla. I would damn near give my life for those words to be true, but they aren’t. You need everything that I do for you, and don’t get me wrong. I love that I am able to be there for you, but . . . what about me? Jamilla, my whole damn life has changed because of you, and that’s both good and bad. Do you know how hard loving you is for me? I can’t go a fucking second without thinking of you. Man. . .” Niya had to stop talking since her emotions were getting the best of her and were interrupting her speech. I cried right along with her and tried my best to get her to understand.

  “Niya, this is all new to me. I have always been with men. I never even thought of a girl until I met you. That scares me. It’s making me question the person I have always thought I was.”

  “What? A straight person?” Niya asked, and as she waited for me to answer, fear of the truth hit me and made me stumble a bit.

  “I—I don’t . . . I don’t know what’s going on, Niya. All I know is that I have always been straight. I have always liked boys, and here you come, forcing me to wonder if that’s even the full truth.”

  For a while, we were silent. I stood in front of her with tearstained cheeks as she tried to dry her own eyes. There was just so much tension in the air, and neither of us knew how to make it go away.

  “Jamilla, I love you. I do. But this shit here . . . it’s not good for me. I just want you to be mine. I need you to love me the way that I love you. The sad part about that is, although I say these words, I know that it won’t happen right now. Yeah, for some reason, I have faith that one day you’ll wake up, but the not knowing how long I will have to wait . . .”

  I kneeled down on the bottom step and leaned into her lap. I held her hand and rested my forehead against hers. “Niya, I love you with all my heart, but I just need for you to give me time. What happened in school today will never happen again. I am so sorry, Niya. I never want to hurt you. I can’t promise you that you will get all that you want, but I can tell you that my love for you is true. And to keep things real, I need you in my life. Without you, I would be lost right now. It’s because I have you that I didn’t go crazy when my mom—”

  Oh, shit. I stopped talking just in time, or so I thought. Niya’s face went from sad and understanding to confused and angry, although she didn’t know what had happened. I thought about not telling her, but I realized that not telling her would only make the space between us grow wider. So I sat down beside her and held her hand as I told her every detail of the day my mother “tested” me.

  “What the fuck?” Niya asked as she stood up and fell right back down again. “How could you not tell me this? I am going to fucking kill that bitch.”

  “Niya, no, please. That’s why I didn’t tell you. After what happened with my stepdad, I didn’t want to find you in that same situation with my mother too. I know she’s wrong, but that’s still my mother.”

  “Man, fuck that bitch. A real mom wouldn’t do no shit like that.”

  “Shhh. Niya, please calm down. I’ve lived through everything else, and I’ll . . . I’ll . . . live through this too.” I lost it then. I threw my head into Niya’s lap and just cried as flashes of that day danced before me.

  “Oh, my God, Jamilla. Baby, I’m so sorry. You should have told me, Jamilla. You should have told me.”

  Niya held me as she ran her fingers through my hair. For a long while, I just cried in her arms. I needed to get rid of all the sadness that had entered me ever since that day. I was so filled with despair that Niya was the only one who could save me.

  “Jamilla, we have to do something. How could she do that to you?”

  Her voice had taken on a chilling note. I sat up, and when I looked into her eyes, they were just as cold.

  “Niya, promise me that you won’t do anything to my mom.”

  She was quiet, so I asked her again.

  “Okay, okay, but if she tries to do anything to you, you need to call me and knock that bitch out, Mom or no Mom. Can we at least get Marie’s ass? I can’t believe she helped your mother hold you down.”

  “I don’t want you to kill anyone, Niya. I mean it.”

  “Oh, I ain’t gonna kill her. I won’t touch a hair on the bitch, but she’s gonna pay.”

  I would be lying if I said that I didn’t want something to happen to Marie. To me, she was just as evil as her father.

  “As long as she’s not hurt too bad, do what you want.”

  Niya smiled and pulled me close again. “Let this be the last time you keep something from me. I don’t care what it is, if you can’t take a shit and you’re constipated, you need to tell me.”

  We shared a laugh.

  “Seriously, Milla boo. I will do anything for you, and you need to know that above everything, I am here for you.”

  I looked into her eyes and saw the truth. “I know, Niya. That’s why I told you tonight, I don’t want to hold anything from you, and doing that only adds stress. I love you too, and you need to know that I am here for you too.”

  She smiled and kissed my lips. The kiss was short and fast, and a little part of me wanted it to be longer, with more passion. I thought about throwing caution to the wind and kissing her the way that I wanted, but I knew that this would only add more confusion. Instead, I walked her to her apartment, got her into bed, and went back home. As I lay in my bed, thoughts of Niya were my bedtime stories.

  Chapter 40

  Niya

  While getting ready to head out for another day of classes, I couldn’t help but think of Jamilla. I was still seeing red from the night before. I had stayed up, thinking of ways to kill that bitch mother of hers but make it look like an accident. I wanted just to go up to her and choke the life out of her as I looked into her eyes, but I had made a promise to Jamilla. I did have plans for Marie, though. It wasn’t going to take much to get her back. It would take a couple of days, but she was going to get hers.

  “Mi amor, you have to eat before you go.”

  I kissed my granny and sat down at the kitchen table with her.

  My grandmother sat across from me after serving me my breakfast and stared at me as I ate. “What’s the problem with you?”

  “Nothing, Granny.”

  She sucked her teeth and took a sip of her strong coffee. “Who raise you?” she asked, then waited for an answer that never came.

  “Niya, mi amor, answer me, mierda.”

  I had to laugh. “You cussin’ at me, Granny?”

  “Why you not tell me what’s wrong?”

  I didn’t answer her. I took one more bite of my breakfast and got up. I kissed her forehead.

  “Mi amor, I love you with all my heart.”

  “Granny. Nothing is wrong.”

  “Okay. Fine. I will wait, because I know you like this,” she said as she pointed to the back of her hand.

  “Okay, Granny. Have a great day. I love you.”

  I walked out of the kitchen to her voice saying the words that were music to my ears.

  “I love you always, mi amor.”

  I walked out of my apartment about twenty minutes early. I knew that Jamilla wouldn’t be downstairs, so I used that time to speak with the “Get it done” dude. He was that nigga you went to when you needed a dirty deed taken care of. You paid him, he got it done, and you never spoke about it
again. The funny thing was, he was always outside. No matter the time of day, if you were looking for him, you would find him. He was an older man, and I could only imagine the secrets he knew and kept to himself. After speaking to him about Marie, I went over to my car, looked down at my watch, and lit up a blunt. Jamilla would be out any minute, and as I waited for her, it happened.

  “Yo, Niya. Niya.”

  I turned around to see my boy Trey running across the street, with June right beside him. When they got to me, Trey had his phone in his hand and a smile on his face.

  “Yo, how come you ain’t call a nigga? I would have showed up for the video shoot.”

  I looked at June like “Damn! You have a big mouth.”

  “I watched that shit on YouTube and—”

  “You put it up already? When did you even have the time to edit it and post it?” I asked June as I pulled out my own phone. June smiled while pulling out his wireless device.

  “I’m about to send you the link. I ain’t even been to sleep yet ’cause of that video. I worked on it all morning.”

  I was only half listening to June as he spoke. I stared down at my phone, waiting for the link to appear. When it popped up, I was almost scared to click on it.

  “What’s going on?” Jamilla asked as she walked up to the car. I half hugged her before turning my attention back to my phone.

  “Niya is about to check out the video I posted,” June told her.

  “What video?”

  When I heard her question, I just wanted to scream, “Fuck. I forgot to tell you.”

  “The shit we shot for Niya’s first song. Damn. How everyone know about it except for you two?” June said.

  The look on Jamilla’s face said it all. I knew she was hurt and shocked all at the same damn time.

  “Go ahead, Niya. Watch it,” she said.

  I clicked on the link and waited. For the next four and a half minutes, my eyes were glued to the screen of my phone, and Jamilla didn’t look away, either. I could hear June and Trey making comments, but I could not hear them clearly. My mind was solely on the video. I didn’t know if I could put into words exactly how I felt. My heart danced like it had never danced before. I was watching me; I was watching my dreams unfold right in front of me. I knew that it was just an Internet video, but to me, right in that moment, it was as if I was a star. I listened to the words of the song, I watched as I rapped them, and if this hadn’t been caught on video, I would have thought that I had dreamed it all. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t let my boys see me do that.

  “Niya, scroll down and check the views,” June said.

  And when I did, my mouth fell open.

  “How in the hell does this shit have ten thousand views already? What time did you post it?” I asked.

  “Man, I posted it early this morning and stayed up posting that shit all over the Net. Facebook, Twitter . . . I even posted the link on Instagram. While you’re on your college shit, I am going to send it out to the underground magazines and anywhere music is found. We about to blow up, baby. Just watch.”

  I was speechless. When I looked at Jamilla again, her frown had turned into a smile. I could tell that she was happy for me. She took my phone and watched the video again, this time with a better view. We all stood around her just to get another look at it too. I watched her smile throughout the video, just not during the parts with Marlo. When she was done, she handed me back my phone and hugged me while whispering in my ear.

  “That’s really good, Niya. I’m so happy for you, but I wish I’d been there.”

  It was as if I felt my heart crack a little bit. I was happy for myself, but I knew that out of all the people, Jamilla should have been there.

  I said good-bye to June and Trey, and they went on their way. Jamilla and I got in the car, and as I drove, I tried to find the right words to say.

  “Jamilla, I’m sorry. You’re right. You should have been there. I could do the video over if you want.”

  She looked at me with no emotion on her face.

  “If I want? No, keep it as is. The video is hot. You did a great job.”

  After that, I left it alone.

  Chapter 41

  Jamilla

  How could I let her know that I was heartbroken, shocked even? What in the fuck was going on with us? Yes, she’d been mad, but damn, she hadn’t even called me and told me to come by. She hadn’t even told me the night before, as I cried in her arms. That was not us. Well, it wasn’t what we had been. I was starting to feel like I was losing what I had just found. It seemed as if we had found each other not too long ago, but we were already pulling away from one another. It was scaring me. I was losing control too fast; I was losing her too soon. The scariest part was that I didn’t know why.

  It seemed as if people were just waiting for us to pull up. As soon as Niya parked her car and got out, people were crowding around her. There was a chorus of “I saw your video,” “You look so good,” and “Oh my God, I didn’t even know you could rap.” Before I knew it, I was fighting my way through the crowd just to get to her. She reached for my hand and pulled me through the would-be groupie bitches, male and female. I took one look at Niya and knew that she was overwhelmed. We made our way around campus as more and more people shouted to her and rushed in to get close to her. We found an empty lecture hall, went in, pulled the door closed, and she looked like she was finally able to breathe.

  “Are you okay?” I asked as I watched her chest rise and fall with what I thought was relief.

  “Yo, that shit was weird. What the fuck was that?”

  I smiled a little bit. It was cute to see her scared. “That’s going to be your life.”

  She looked at me with horror in her eyes. I walked over to her and let my hand rest on her shoulder. I looked at her, and as I played with her ponytail, I tried to get her to understand.

  “Niya, this is only community college. If you want this, to be a star, to be a rapper, this will be your life, times one hundred. You are going to have to learn to deal with this.”

  “I know. I know that, Jamilla, I just wasn’t ready. I just needed to wrap my head around it all. That video just went up today and look,” Niya said, then pointed at the door. It was as if she knew, because just as she pointed, Marlo walked in.

  “Hey, boo. People told me where I could find you. They are loving the video. Damn. I feel like a star,” Marlo said. Then she threw her arms around Niya’s neck and kissed her.

  I didn’t know what was more shocking: the fact that Marlo had just barged into the lecture hall, the fact that she had walked up to Niya, thrown her arms around Niya’s neck, and kissed her, or the fact that she had just said that she felt like a star and Niya had smiled when she said it.

  “You already have twelve thousand views,” Marlo announced.

  “What? It was only ten thousand when we left home this morning,” Niya said as she pulled out her phone.

  I was kind of stuck. I really didn’t know what to say.

  “Hey, Jamilla, girl. You see me in that video? That shit look sexy, huh?” Marlo winked at me as if we were on the same page. She was smiling and acting self-centered, while I was mean mugging and feeling confused. Hell no, we were not on the same page.

  “Look, boo, you need to stop hiding in this room and go out and talk to people. They are showing mad love,” Marlo told Niya.

  As I stood there, for some shameful reason, I asked God not to let Niya find the strength to walk out of that lecture hall. I was the one who was supposed to help her overcome her fear, not a half-dressed skank who had just stepped into her life . . . for the moment.

  Niya turned to me, and with a smile, she stated, “You know what, Milla boo? I think she’s right.”

  With those words, a knife went into my heart and turned a bit. What in the hell did Niya mean when she said she was right? I was the one who d just told her to face her fears head-on.

  I watched Marlo take her hand and pulled her toward the door. As I sto
od there looking at her back as Niya, my Niya, walked hand in hand with Marlo, something hit me. It crashed into me, like a wall devouring a car going at a speed of over 150 miles per hour. The truth in that moment acted like a three-hundred-pound bitch in heels, and she just sat her big ass right on top of my heart. The truth was . . . the truth was . . . Shit, I couldn’t even say it to myself. I waited for Niya and Marlo to exit the room, just so I could have a seat and wallow in my undeniable truth. I wanted to cry, I wanted to run after Niya, and I wanted to stand there and tell her the truth, the truth I just couldn’t face. Just as I gave up hope on being remembered, Niya turned around and held out her hand to me.

  “Come on, Milla boo. You know I can’t do this without you.”

  Hearing those words sent me into a fit of tears. I cried so hard, my chest hurt. I tried so hard to hold it back, but I just couldn’t. To this day, I was not sure why I broke down, although I had a few ideas. I thought that maybe just when I figured she’d forgotten me, just when I thought that the only person who saw me couldn’t see me anymore, she turned around and did just that. Not only did she see me, but she needed me too, and that feeling, to be needed by the person you felt the most for . . . there was nothing like it in this whole wide world.

  She came over to me as my knees buckled. She got on her knees as well, dropping to my level, the level of desperation and emptiness, and she filled me back up.

  “Jamilla, babe, what’s wrong?”

  I tried to tell her, but my sobbing came from so deep within me that my language of anguish was incomprehensible. She held me as I let all the doubt about myself, about her, and about us escape my body. I tried so hard to leave it on that floor where we stood. One thing I could say about Marlo was that she came over and looked just as concerned as Niya did. They both asked me what was wrong, but with Marlo so close now, I no longer wanted to answer. I did manage to get myself together, though. Marlo let me borrow her sunglasses, and with me right by Niya’s side, we left the lecture hall to greet her new fans.