Miriam's Secret

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Shirley groaned silently. Daett would probably insist she never see Jonas again.

  Miriam welcomed the four scholars home—Naomi, Aaron, Dana, and Elizabeth. “How did school go today, Elizabeth?” she asked cheerily, greeting the first child through the door.

  First-grader Elizabeth’s face glowed. “I got to read my first word today. All by myself!”

  “That’s wonderful!” Miriam exclaimed.

  Shirley forced herself to join the happy conversations. The last thing she wanted was for the younger children to find out what she’d done. She didn’t want to be a bad example for them. She’d have to keep her interest in Jonas a secret from younger ears. Oh oh. Already thoughts of Jonas and his fancy Englisha car were dancing in her mind again. She hurried into the kitchen. Thankfully no one but Mamm seemed to notice her abrupt departure. She’d gotten herself together by the time eighth-grader Naomi followed her and asked, “What’s for supper tonight?”

  “Still thinking on it,” Shirley said as cheerfully as she could muster.

  “I’m starving!” Naomi proclaimed. “Why not a big chicken casserole for starters? I’ll help.”

  “You’ll have to ask Mamm.” Shirley kept her face turned away. She would love to make a big supper tonight, but big suppers were kept as a Friday-night special. This was part of the frugality written into every area of the Yoder household. Naomi knew this, but obviously hope sprang eternal for the schoolgirl.

  Moments later Shirley could hear subdued voices coming from the living room. She paused to listen. The low murmur of voices reached her ears.

  “He just passed this morning.”

  Deducing that Miriam was telling the children the news of Mr. Bland’s death, Shirley was relieved the talk wasn’t about her. She busied herself with supper preparations. They would have simple potato soup and crackers tonight. That would nourish the large Yoder family, although it would be a far cry from the supper Naomi had envisioned. Naomi was like Miriam in accepting the family’s state of affairs. Those two not only wanted to be good, they were good. She, on the other hand, still had visions of Jonas and his sporty car in her head. And, worse than that, she could envision Jonas in his daett’s big house in the well-to-do neighborhood between Berlin and Sugarcreek. No doubt their dinner tonight would be a roast…or maybe even steak. Probably mashed potatoes and gravy and dessert, such as pecan pie and homemade cherry ice cream.

  Shirley stared out the kitchen window, ignoring the murmur of conversation continuing behind her. If Daett knew how strong her desires were, what would he do? Maybe she should make a full confession tonight. But look at the trouble the partial one had already caused! A lecture from her daett over what she’d already confessed wasn’t something she looked forward to. But maybe if she submitted to his words and will, her soul would be washed of all her wrong desires and she’d become a gut girl like Miriam and Naomi. Shaking her head, Shirley tried to make herself believe she accepted difficulties—like the lack of money—as the will of the Lord for her. But she didn’t, and it was an awful state to find oneself in. And apparently nothing was going to change in the near future. She decided she would listen with meekness to what Daett had to say tonight and go from there.

  Naomi reappeared, sober-faced now from the news about Mr. Bland. She didn’t comment on Shirley’s supper preparations. Either Mamm had turned her down or Naomi had never asked. “That’s sad about Mr. Bland,” Naomi finally said. “I think it’s harder on Miriam than she’s letting on.”

  “She’s had a hard day,” Shirley offered. She almost added “in part because of me,” but she’d already confessed enough for one day.

  “Miriam didn’t say when the funeral was.” Naomi wiped a tear from her eye. “It’s all so very sad.” Naomi’s voice took on a more cheerful tone. “One gut thing happened though. We have a new couple in the community. Ivan Mast took Laura Swartz home on Sunday night.”

  But Miriam wants him, Shirley almost said aloud. She held back. Naomi wouldn’t learn of Miriam’s disappointment from her.

  “I’m so happy for them,” Naomi shared.

  Shirley forced a happy tone into her voice. “Love is always a gut thing.”

  Naomi glowed. “I hope the Lord has such a decent man for me someday.”

  “I’m sure He does,” Shirley said, hoping the same about herself.

  Chapter Six

  Later that evening, after the sun had set and the gas lantern hanging from the ceiling hissed above them, Shirley sat on the couch in the living room with her hands in her lap. Supper, devotions, and the dishes were finished. The younger children and older boys were upstairs. Miriam was on the couch beside Shirley. Daett sat upright in his rocking chair across from the two girls. Mamm was sitting next to him in her rocker.

  Shirley cringed inwardly, wondering what Daett was going to say. Mamm had spoken her mind earlier, so tonight the lecture would come from him. From the look on his face, he’d already been informed of her transgressions. No doubt a strong rebuke would soon begin, followed by instructions toward living a more godly life. Shirley didn’t object to that—in theory. It was the unpleasantness of that kind of journey that bothered her.

  Breaking the silence in the living room, Daett cleared his throat. “Shirley, is this true what I hear?”

  “What have you heard?” Shirley wanted to ask, but she remained silent and nodded.

  “I’m glad to hear that you’ve confessed this thing.” Daett’s tone grew tense. “But driving around in a car with Jonas Beachy? Shirley! What were you thinking?”

  “I’m sorry,” Shirley whispered.

  Daett grunted and fell silent.

  No doubt Daett doesn’t think much of my apology, Shirley thought. And she couldn’t blame him really. She waited. More lay ahead, she was sure. And she needed all the lectures Daett could give her. Somehow she had to learn to obey like Miriam and Naomi did.

  “Is it the money, Shirley?” Daett asked. “Is this why you’re stretching our boundaries of a decent rumspringa time?”

  Shirley sat up. She didn’t hesitate. “Maybe. I know not having a lot of money shouldn’t bother me, but it does. And I’m sorry that it does.”

  Daett hung his head. “At moments like this, I wish I had all the money in Berlin…or even in Possum Valley.”

  “I’m so sorry, Daett.” Shirley rose from the couch. “I’ll forget about Jonas Beachy right now. I promise!”

  “I’d rather you obeyed me instead of making empty promises all the time.” Daett’s voice was weary. “You know what’s right, Shirley, but you don’t get it done.” He settled back in the rocker with a sigh.

  Shirley almost whispered she was sorry again, but her daett started talking again.

  “I may be tempted at times by the promises money makes, Shirley. But in my heart I know those promises aren’t true. You would do well to learn the same truth. The promises of money are always false, and they will always be false no matter how many nice things in life one can buy with money. In the end, the Lord is glorified only when we accept our lot in life and take what He gives and doesn’t give without complaint.”

  What if it’s my lot in life to marry a rich man? she thought. She bit her lip to keep from blurting it out.

  Daett went on. “If I’ve failed to live my life as a gut example before you, Shirley, I apologize from the bottom of my heart.”

  “And I want to say the same thing,” Mamm said at once. “I know I’m not nearly as gut an example as your daett is, but still…”

  “That’s not true!” The words sprang from Shirley’s lips. “You two are the best examples anyone could have.” Shirley winced because the stabbing pains caused by her parents’ words were cutting deep. She’d been ready for a long lecture, but their sorrow was much harder to bear.

  “I’m glad to hear you say that,” Mamm said. “Your daett is a father worthy of your respect.”

  “I know. I’ll try to do better!” Shirley looked away. If only she were convinced by her own wor
ds. She wanted to obey at that moment, but what about later? How much time would pass before she forgot her resolve…or disregarded it and did something wrong again? She was sure one glimpse of Jonas would be all that was needed for her sincere resolution to fly out the window.

  Daett seemed to be of the same opinion. “You shouldn’t go into Berlin any more, Shirley. Not for a long time. You need to stay away from the temptation to see this young man.”

  Alarm rushed through her. “But I have to help with the shopping! I’m the one who always makes…”

  “Shirley!” Mamm cut her off. “Daett is right. And the way you’re reacting right now is all the sign we need to know this is the way it should be. Miriam will do the shopping tomorrow, and then we’ll consider what we’ll do from there. No hardship on us is too much if it helps keep you safe from temptation.”

  Shirley swallowed hard. Mamm was right. If there was anything that judged where her heart lay, it was the pain running through her right now at the thought of not seeing Jonas tomorrow. Mamm looked at her as if she knew Shirley’s thoughts. But thankfully no one said anything. They were kind to her, much more than what she deserved. Somehow she would have to get over Jonas Beachy.

  Daett cleared his throat again. “And then there’s the matter of our faith, Shirley. I know you’re only seventeen, so perhaps you don’t see the seriousness of this situation. Love will not cover the vast differences between the Beachy family and ours when it comes to what we believe. They aren’t Amish anymore. They’re not even of the conservative Mennonite faith. Did you know that, Shirley?” Daett paused, but then continued when she didn’t answer. “Not that I want you to marry a Mennonite. The Beachys have left the faith of our fathers completely. Please keep that in mind. I know this can be hard in matters of the heart, but you must pay heed, Shirley. These things must be remembered even in your rumspringa time.”

  “I know.” Shirley hung her head again.

  Silence followed. Am I allowed to go? Shirley wondered. Is Daett finished? She took a quick glance toward her daett. His head was bowed and his lips were moving. He’s praying, she realized. More pangs ran through her chest. Daett’s sorrow over her misdeeds was indeed great. She ought to say something that would help ease everyone’s mind, but the only words she could think of would sound empty.

  “You may go now, Shirley,” Mamm said.

  Shirley rose, followed by Miriam. The two girls made their way upstairs to the bedroom they shared. Once they were behind the closed bedroom door, Shirley faced Miriam and said in a low voice, “You didn’t say anything.”

  “What could I say?” Miriam sat on her single bed with a sigh. “You know it’s going to be hard for you to keep your promise.”

  Tears burned in Shirley’s eyes. “You think I don’t know that?”

  “I wish there was some way it could be different. That the money situation here at home would ease.” Miriam appeared genuinely concerned as she continued. “I know that bothers you much more than it does me.”

  “Why can’t I be more like you?” Shirley’s question hung in the air.

  Miriam shot her a quick glance. “We’re all different, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

  “That’s kind of you to say,” Shirley replied with a rueful smile. “But when ‘different’ involves such temptations as Jonas Beachy and money, there is a problem.”

  Miriam reached over and touched Shirley’s shoulder. “Maybe we’d better get some sleep. A good night’s rest will be good for both of us. Morning will come soon enough.” She blew out the kerosene lamp and was soon in bed under the covers.

  Shirley lay fully dressed on top of the quilt on her bed. The day had been a long one for all of them—Miriam especially. Long day or not, Shirley had no desire to sleep. Thoughts of Jonas wouldn’t stop. And the awful truth was that she didn’t want them to stop—even though she knew that in the long run the life Mamm and Daett had together was what she wanted. Yet, at the same time, she wanted what Jonas and his daett had. She couldn’t have both, that was for sure. But making the choice still lay far ahead. Why should she have to make it right now? She was only seventeen and had just entered her rumspringa. What was rumspringa for if not to try new things and entertain thoughts that she could not after joining the church? The contradictions seemed to fill the room. She simply couldn’t let go of Jonas. Not just yet. She wouldn’t marry the man, of course. That was impossible. Jonas lived in a world she would never fit in with. He knew that, and she knew that. So why the guilt? If she’d simply kept her mouth shut most of the pain today would have been avoided. And…she hadn’t been completely truthful. She hadn’t given up her deepest, darkest secret. Jonas had given her his cell phone number. Not even in the midst of her promises had she been tempted to reveal such a thing.

  “Call me anytime,” he’d said. “I’d love to chat with you.”

  Jonas had given her the number after she refused his offer to pick her up some evening at home. That was a sign he must really wish to see her again. She hadn’t planned to call him because she’d expected to see him tomorrow in Berlin. Now she wouldn’t be there. Alarm flashed through her. She sat up in bed. What would Jonas think if she didn’t show up at the usual time? Would he come to the house? That would be a disaster! Nee, that couldn’t happen. She had to call Jonas! But how? The phone booth was down the road. She’d have to sneak out of the house, and she’d never done that. Was it even possible? Miriam would hear her, wouldn’t she? And what about Mamm? Shirley stared into the darkness, her heart pounding. She would face this.

  She looked over at Miriam, who was sound asleep. Shirley quietly got up from the bed and, with both hands outstretched, felt her way down the stairs. Her soft knock on her parents’ bedroom door was followed by a soft rustle inside.

  Mamm opened the door in her nightclothes. She slipped out and shut the door before moving to stand near the window. Soft moonlight revealed her concerned face. “What is it, Shirley?”

  The words gushed out in a whisper. “I have to speak with Jonas. I must, Mamm. I have his phone number.”

  Mamm’s fingers dug into Shirley’s arm. “You can’t! Not after your daett’s words tonight and your promises!”

  A sob rose in Shirley’s throat. “I can keep that promise later, but not now. Please, Mamm.” Shirley pushed forward with her argument. “I have to call him. I have to tell him I won’t be there tomorrow. He’s expecting me. If I don’t show up, what if he comes to the house?”

  Doubt filled Mamm’s face as Shirley continued. “I’ll be really careful, Mamm. I will.”

  Skepticism was written large on Mamm’s face, but finally she consented. “Go then, if you must, but I don’t approve.”

  Before Mamm could change her mind, Shirley grabbed her coat and left through the front door. Mamm’s shadowy figure was still by the window when Shirley glanced back. Mamm would, no doubt, still be there when I return, Shirley thought—and in a way she was glad. Mamm’s presence was comforting even in her disapproval.

  Shirley ran down the side road of Possum Valley in the moonlight. Her feet kicked up pebbles along the edge of the pavement. When the headlights of an car bounced in the distance, she dove for the ditch and hid behind a bush until the vehicle passed.

  The next dash brought Shirley to the phone booth. She caught her breath before she dialed the number by heart. It was as if the numbers had been burned into her brain, as had most everything about Jonas.

  “Text me,” Jonas had told her when he wrote down the number. He’d laughed at the perplexed look on her face. “Of course! You don’t know what that is.”

  “I do so,” she’d protested.

  “Just call,” he’d said with sweetness in his voice.

  Well, she hadn’t planned to make the first call, let alone one at ten o’clock at night, but here she was. Jonas probably stayed up till all hours anyway. Didn’t rich people live like that?

  “Hello!”

  Her voice squeaked when she responded, “Hi, Jon
as. This is Shirley. Shirley Yoder.”

  “Oh, Shirley!” His voice brightened. “I didn’t recognize the number. So how are you doing?”

  “You can’t imagine.” Her breath was short, she knew, but she was in a hurry. “Look, Jonas, I can’t be in Berlin tomorrow and maybe not for some time. My parents found out about us…and there’s trouble.”

  “I see.” He sounded troubled himself. “Is there something I can do?”

  “I wish.”

  “You’re not cutting me off, are you?”

  “Of course not!” The denial rushed out of her mouth almost involuntarily. “I just don’t know how to…well…keep in touch.”

  “We’ll figure out some way.” His voice was tender. “Call me when you can, and I’ll see what I can do.”

  “Don’t come by the house, okay?”

  “I won’t. I promise.” There was a crackle on the phone. “I’ll see you later, Shirley. Don’t worry, okay?”

  “Okay.” Shirley hung up. She tried to quiet the pounding of her heart. Oh, this was such a mess, but she couldn’t let Jonas go. Later she would try, but not now.

  Chapter Seven

  On Thursday morning the sun shone through the open upstairs bedroom window as Miriam changed into her black Sunday dress. She’d mourned for Mr. Bland often in the past few days and at the viewing last night. She missed the relationship she used to have with him. He’d been almost like a second daett to her, although she would never mention such a thing here at home. Mr. Bland was Englisha. She shouldn’t have such feelings about him. Still, their relationship had grown deep and, like Shirley, she couldn’t control how she felt about certain things. At least her affection for Mr. Bland hadn’t been wrong like Shirley’s was for Jonas.

  The dark-blue drapes moved in the morning breeze as Miriam put in the last of her dress pins. Mr. Bland’s sister, Rose, had said last night she’d be here at nine to pick her up for the funeral. It would be best if she was ready ahead of time. It wouldn’t be decent if Rose had to wait. Thankfully, there’d been time to wash and dry the breakfast dishes downstairs. She’d also been able to help Shirley with some mending. That was one gut thing that had come out of her few days off this week. She had time to help catch up with the household work, which always seemed to pile up in a house with ten children.