Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice

by Robert J Rubel PhD

  A true story. The person who introduced me to Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP - the folks who have mastered learning modalities) commented that until he understood about this process, he would get furious at his wife for coming up behind him and putting her hands on his shoulders while he was reading at his desk. He later came to understand that she was a kinesthetic learner and was expressing her love for him through touch. He, though, was a high-visual learner who would get completely absorbed in reading. The act of being touched at that time not only broke his concentration, but also broke his emotional state - he didn't like to be touched.

  There are many ways of understanding how you and/or your partner understand things. For more information about learning styles, try a Google search on "learning modalities."

  Been married?

  • How did that work out? Are you still friends with your husband/wife? Is there more than one ex? Were there similar problems with each marriage? Are you carrying problems from one mate to the next? How could you change to make this new relationship different from prior relationships? Without changing yourself, have you ever considered that this is as good as it gets?

  • What's causing the breakups? Have you spent time thinking about what went wrong? Have you had help thinking this through - been through some therapy? If yes, can you express what you learned and how you changed? If not, what makes you think you won't repeat the patterns you went through before?

  • Did you nurture your prior spouse or partner? Can you explain how they grew under your care - either as the Dominant or submissive in the relationship? Did YOU do all the growing? Did THEY do all the growing?

  • What will you do this time that will be different? What have you learned over the years? Remember Einstein's comment: the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

  How's your work history?

  • Do you have a history that demonstrates stability or transience?

  • Do you have a history of working well with small groups and with your peers over a long period? If not, what makes you think you can lead a slave?

  • Have you had special training in managing people? Do you read body language easily? How are you on picking up non-verbal cues?

  • Are you a visionary or an implementor? Think about that one: if you're an implementor at work, how do you become a visionary leader in your M/s relationship?

  Do you have "leadership power?"

  • Are you able to get tough when the situation demands it?

  • Are you able fully to show your human qualities instead of wearing a mask?

  • Do you have a clear vision for your future?

  • Do you share your vision with the people who follow you - bringing them enthusiasm, high energy and conviction?

  • In a work setting, when subordinates ask for directions or decisions, are you able to direct and decide without delay?

  What do You Seek?

  At the risk of proposing polor extremes, consider some of these:

  • Do you seek a servant to follow all your orders and whims or do you seek a cherished partner who expresses love through service?

  • Do you seek a live-in sex object or do you seek a spiritual partner with whom you have hot sex?

  • Do you seek an invisible chef and maid or a personal assistant with privileges?

  Hazy goals produce hazy results. Clearly define your goals. Write them down, make a plan for achieving them, set a deadline, visualize the results, and go after them. Doubtless you've heard the aphorism: What gets written down gets done.

  Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.

  Japanese proverb

  Can you describe the life/lifestyle you seek?

  You are going to have to tease out the building blocks of this kind of structured relationship. You can't drift into a Master/slave relationship. You will have to design this lifestyle - you can't just go along for the ride. That brings us to a question:

  • In life, are you proactive or reactive? If you tend to be reactive, then what consequences might that have for your M/s relationship?

  • Have you written down your goals for the next five or ten years? How does a slave or two fit into that vision? For example, if your vision is to live in a beautiful mountain cabin overlooking a lake and far away from a city, how does that mesh with your slave's thirst for big-city living, nice restaurants and theater?

  • How's your imagination? Can you think outside of the box? To use Meyers-Briggs language, are you a "concrete-solid" thinker or a "creative risk-taker?" Do you have experience taking your vision and moving it to reality? (If the answer is "no," then you may want to consider books/courses that can train you in this art form. Hint: it has to do with clarity of purpose and intent. The key question is: "What are you willing to pay to get X result?" "Pay" means time and effort, as well as money. There's a cost to recreating yourself.)

  By the way, if the words within the parentheses in that last paragraph whizzed by you, you may want to spend a bit more time on them. In my experience, the ability to create my own world is among my most valuable skills.

  • Do you read much? Fiction? Non-fiction? What do you do with your knowledge? That is, do you keep knowledge to yourself or do you have a way of giving back to your community?

  • Can you translate your ideas into words? How can you communicate your vision to your partner?

  When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing positive knowledge.

  Albert Einstein

  How clearly can you describe the PERSON you seek?

  • What are you seeking in a slave? What kind of slave? If the slave is not a vanilla (non-kinky) boyfriend or girlfriend, what IS your slave to be??? Pleasure slave (play partner)? Service slave (servant)? Business helper? Companion/lover?

  • What is your slave seeking in a Master? What kind of Master? Companion for their future? A sage/teacher/mentor to rely upon? A path for sexual release? Financial and/or emotional security? A life-travel buddy? A spiritual guide? Leather? Why?

  • Does what you offer match what your slave seeks? Financial or emotional stability? Sense of purpose? Adventure? Great sex? How are your assets? Can you afford to remake your slave (or slave-under-consideration) in your image?

  • How smart, lucid, and articulate must your partner be? Does quickness matter to you? Does it matter that your partner can explain him/herself succinctly and with precision and clarity? Speaking personally, quickness matters a great deal to me. So does vocabulary level. IQ primarily helps people get quickly to answers - it's a "crunching power" issue. In that light, it may be reasonable for you to be concerned about IQ because the intellectual demands you can make on someone with an IQ of 100 will be different than you can make on someone with an IQ of 135.

  • Do you want to have shared values with this person? Rather than a general "yes," let's explore...

  I would propose that at some point in your M/s relationship you sit down with your partner - or partner-to-be - and probe how each of you feels about words that describe values. You might want to create a values list - very much like a pre-play negotiations checklist. Consider it a pre-M/s relationship checklist. And there are no right or wrong answers. For example, my own values concerning biological family and orderliness are substantially different from those of my slave. This is simply information. Discussing these points helped us to understand our reactions to the other on these specific points.

  Here is the start of a list to consider. You will have to find longer lists from which to create your own list, this is just a starting point for thinking about values. An Internet search produces dozens of exhaustive lists from which to work.

  Once again, the goal, here, is to take each word on this (and your expanded) list and discuss it with your slave in order to learn more about your slave's (and your) basic beliefs. Since
your basic beliefs color your everyday reality, the more you know about yourself and your slave, the better you'll be able to work together harmoniously.

  What is a "Master" to you? What is a "slave"?

  In my experience, relationships sometimes falter and fail because core values or basic assumptions differ between the partners. While each partner uses words such as "master" and "slave," they are unlikely to have a 100% match about what those words (and many other "concept words") actually mean. Unless the two of you sit down and carefully work through each other's personal values, traits, dreams, wants, and needs, there are likely to be recurring surprises as you get to know one another. The risk in NOT working through this exercise is that each of you may have been attracted to the superficial representation of the other person - you've been drawn to your partner's "public face," rather than to the person's "core being." While that may not be a bad thing, it may lead you to have to re-evaluate and re-adjust your on-going relationship more than you had initially expected.

  While hardly an exhaustive list, here are some ideas about what a Master candidate might look like to a slave-in-waiting:

  • Someone who understands that an M/s relationship is between equals - that the slave has no less value as a person than Master.

  • A person who admits his/her personal weaknesses and is committed to turning those weaknesses into strengths and growing emotionally and spiritually.

  • Someone emotionally, physically, and intellectually equal to or stronger than the slave.

  • Someone to be responsible for the slave's wellbeing and the wellbeing of the relationship.

  • A person who enough life experience, knowledge, and wisdom to serve as a mentor and teacher.

  • A person who will hold the slave accountable to higher standards. This includes a Master who is spiritually awake and uses the M/s relationship to further spiritual development.

  • A person who establishes an atmosphere of safety, even as he/she must discipline the slave for transgressions.

  • A high-level communicator who maintains well-defined boundaries regarding accepted behavior.

  • Someone who will be honest, even when knowing that the slave's reaction might be negative.

  • A person who can demonstrate his/her understanding of the gift that is offered when total submission, obedience and service is given.

  Here are some ideas about what a slave candidate might look like to a Master. Again, this is just a starting point. You have to make your own list.

  • A person experienced in the Leather culture, who understands the demands of a structured relationship. Again, the fantasy of living 24/7 in a structured relationship is certainly going to differ from the fantasies described in books such as, Sleeping The Beauty trilogy (Anne Rice), or even the Marketplace series (Laura Antoniou).

  • A quick learner. Someone who is likely to be adaptable to new situations. Someone who can apply knowledge to behavior. This describes a person in control of him/herself - not a person over-controlled by prior experiences. Let's face it; we all have baggage. Some people hang on to their baggage more than others. It's important when exploring an M/s relationship that the slave has the capacity to meld his/her world to the likes/dislikes of Master independent of the slave's own historical likes/dislikes. This takes flexibility.

  • An adventuresome person who is committed to supporting you and your endeavors, regardless of where they lead.

  • A person of high moral/ethical behavior who is also a clear communicator. This person must have the moral courage to be able to point out to Master behaviors of Master that concern the slave.

  • Someone who has experience serving others and who demonstrates empathy and nurturing skills.

  • Someone who looks for the positives in every situation. This person can be described variously as "A glass half-full person" or a "towards" person rather than an "away-from" person. Let me explain this one. In a general way, people tend either to reach towards new experiences or to react by turning away from new experiences. Some people embrace change, some resist change. Often, you will find that an attorney who is a litigator is a "towards" person, but a contracts attorney is an "away-from" person. Similarly, accountants are often "away-from" people. In business, "away-from" people are concerned about protecting their client's interests or their own business position. In business, "towards" people are often found to be the visionary leaders. When you put two "away-from" people together, they tend to avoid risk-taking and - consequently - may not have many adventures. When you put two "towards" people together, they may engage in very exciting, but also very risky, behavior. Which brings us to the next bullet:

  • Someone with well-defined boundaries; someone who is clear about establishing boundaries. Combining this idea with the previous bullet, you can imagine two visionaries who are always out seeking new sensations and experiences, yet, who do this carefully and with appropriate discretion. Similarly, you can imagine two visionaries with poor boundary-setting skills that are so far out there that it makes others uncomfortable to be around them.

  • A person with wide-ranging skills in personal service, plus, what I call, courtesan skills. These are skills of dressing well, music, dance, discourse, oral recitation and conversation. Among the personal service skills, I would include high-level executive secretary skills, the ability to manage a small business, the ability to represent Master in professional settings, and so forth.

  Have you ever considered what you simply WON'T accept in a partner?

  Topics in this arena are intended to be viewed in two ways: first, as part of the screening process a Master or slave would go through when considering a potential partner; and second, a nudge to look at your OWN behavior - whether or not you are in an established relationship.

  You may find it useful to think through areas in which personal behavior would actually affect your willingness (or another's willingness) to start or to maintain an M/s relationship. I will skip the really obvious character flaw issues (dishonest, untrustworthy, etc.) and touch only on a few of the more subtle topics.

  • Personal habits: A bit too messy? Compulsively clean? These are the little things that can wear on a partner. For example, if you open a kitchen cabinet and see things stuffed in there, do you care? What about the orderliness of your closet - or your slave's side of the closet? What about your underwear drawer or your slave's bedside table?

  Here's a practical example from my life with my own slave. When one walks into our bedroom, the power cords for electrical apparatus are visible under my slave's bedside table. Their appearance is an issue for me. In my home, all visible electrical cords are laced, rather than piled in an unsightly tangle. I required my slave to lace the cords. But, requiring this is a two edged sword - which is why I use this example. On the one hand, I have standards of neatness that simply will be adhered to. On the other hand, my slave has to be willing to put up with my level of detail. In this case, I felt that my slave had enough "getting to know you" time during our first year together to figure out whether or not it would be possible to alter and adapt her lifetime of habits to my lifetime of habits. You, as Master, will have to make similar decisions concerning a wide array of your slave's behaviors. You have to pick your fights.

  • Personal presentation - grooming and dress: One dresses (or, at least one should dress) in a manner intended to attract someone who would dress similarly. If you're looking for someone who likes to hang out at shopping malls, then blue jeans are your ticket. If you're looking for someone who likes to hang out at a four-star hotel lobby, blue jeans are not your ticket. I have a friend whose submissive will ONLY wear black and will ONLY wear spike heels. Hard limits. Deal breaker. One of the first things she negotiated with him. Sound silly or inconsequential? That depends upon your personal lifestyle. There are situations in life where wearing 5-inch spiked heels and dressing entirely in black makes you really, really stand out. Think "wedding," or "seaside resort," or "summertime in Glacier Park at
the elegant lodge for dinner." Can you live with this or something similar? I know a Dom in our local BDSM community who insists that nobody can tell him how to dress. I've seen him show up in blue jeans at a rather formal dinner party. Everyone else was in full fetish costuming. You can draw your own conclusions.

  • Correct use of English: In the same way that one dresses in a manner to attract a partner with similar tastes, the way you speak telegraphs your background - and that will be tied to a number of compatibility issues. I started life as a high school English teacher. When I hear someone using regional grammar ("I'd like for you to go to the market, please."), I notice it. If someone uses incorrect English ("Jim ain't got a chance of making that shot."), I notice it. If someone uses the wrong word ("Please keep me appraised of the situation."), I notice it. And I will say, personally, that imprecise English is on my list of "hard limits" for a partner.

  • Social manners/poise/personal mannerisms: Do you notice if a person wipes his/her mouth with a linen table napkin or pats his/her mouth? Do you care if a person (of either gender) plops down in a chair or couch, rather than lowering him/herself into place? Do you notice whether women cross their ankles when seated or cross their legs? Do you notice whether a woman is wearing hose with her sandals? What images are YOU projecting that would attract a person with the type of social manners that you seek? And before you jump in and say that this doesn't apply to you, mentally transport yourself to some extreme subculture - Borneo tribe, or inner-city ghetto, or elite country club in Beverly Hills.

  • Sexual aptitude, appetite, and preferences: Are you a match or mismatch? In the early flush of a relationship, one is inclined to overlook some issues. "I wish she dressed up a bit more," or "I wish he didn't slurp his coffee," or "I wish she wouldn't drive so fast." But, these can be handled through protocols within the context of an M/s relationship. Not so for sex. If one partner's idea of sex is five minutes of fucking and the other person's is a two-hour sexual marathon, there's bound to be a problem - and it may not be very resolv able. If one partner is extremely sexually experienced and the other partner is not, there's bound to be a problem - again, it may not be very resolvable, even with communication and counseling.