Heart Of A Cowboy

by Margaret Daley

  “Don’t move.” Her hands ran over his body. “Where does it hurt?”

  “I’m fine,” Nicholas said in a breathless voice, dragging air into his lungs.

  “You don’t sound fine.”

  Their son pushed his upper body to a sitting position. “Just winded. Did we get a touchdown?” Nicholas looked beyond Jordan to Zachary.

  He stepped forward and knelt next to her. “Yes.”

  Nicholas grinned. “We won, Mom!”

  “It’s time for us to go home.” Jordan put her arm around Nicholas’s shoulders and helped him up.

  “But I want to spend the night with Dad.”

  “Not tonight.”

  “Partner, why don’t you go say goodbye to everyone.”

  “But, Dad—”

  Zachary tossed his head toward the barn. “Your mom and I have something to discuss.”

  Nicholas heaved a sigh then trudged off the field toward his teammates near the fence celebrating their victory.

  When their son was out of earshot, Zachary rounded on Jordan. “Why isn’t he staying tonight? He’s fine. Nothing happened to him.”

  “We don’t know that for sure. He could have a mild concussion. I’m gonna keep an eye on him. If anything is wrong, I’m near the hospital. This isn’t up for discussion.” She pinched her lips together and narrowed her eyes.

  “Yes, it is. He’s my son, too.”

  “I’ve been his primary caregiver and that isn’t gonna change.”

  He squeezed his hands shut then flexed them. He moved into her personal space, his face close to hers. “That’s because you kept him a secret.” He schooled his voice to an even level while inside anger boiled. He had so much time to make up, and she was standing in the way.

  “There’s nothing I can do to change the past and I’m tired of trying.”

  When she started to skirt him, he impeded her progress. “Do I have to speak to a lawyer about my rights as Nicholas’s dad?”

  The threat, unplanned, tumbled from his mouth, and the second she heard it, color drained from her face. Her pupils grew huge. One part of him wanted to take the words back. Another meant everything he said. Nicholas would be his only child and he intended to participate fully in his life.

  Jordan froze for a few seconds then she backed away, her mouth hanging open, her eyes round. Whirling around, she fled across the field, grabbed their son and made her way toward her Camaro.

  What have I done? He buried his face in his hands and kneaded his fingertips into his forehead.

  Becca closed the distance between them. “What’s going on? Jordan and Nicholas are leaving.” She nodded toward them getting into the car. “What did you say to her?”

  “I asked if I should contact a lawyer concerning my rights as Nicholas’s father.”

  His sister drew in a sharp breath. “You didn’t? Why did you say that? You two can work things out without bringing lawyers into it. How do you think Nicholas will feel?”

  “This never should have been an issue. I should have known from the beginning. I could have married her. Nicholas would have had both a mother and father.”

  “Then do it now.”

  He stared at Jordan and Nicholas, his son’s face set in a pout, her expression anger filled. “It’s too late for us.”

  “Because you can’t forgive her.”

  “I’m trying,” he said, instead of explaining his turmoil over not being able to give her another child.

  “Not hard enough.”

  Jordan backed up her car, then headed down the gravel road.

  “Go after her. Don’t leave it like that.”

  A lawyer! Zachary wants to get custody of Nicholas. All hope of them ever working something out vanished when she heard those words. There was nothing she could do to earn his forgiveness, to make him understand all she wanted was for him and Nicholas to be her family. She didn’t care if he couldn’t have any more children.

  “Mom, why are we leaving? I want to stay.” Nicholas clicked on his seat belt.

  Fury jammed Jordan’s throat and something she wished she didn’t feel—the pain of loss. She drove toward the entrance to the ranch, tears stinging her eyes. “It was time to go. You hit the ground pretty hard. If you get a headache, become nauseated or dizzy, let me know immediately.”

  “I don’t have a concussion. I’m fine.”

  Lord, I just want my old life back. At least I knew what to expect. I don’t want to lose my son. I know I’ve made mistakes, but why couldn’t Zachary, Nicholas and I be a family?

  She pulled onto the highway. “Hon, you’ve been gone a lot lately. Nana and Granny have missed you. I missed you.”

  Nicholas remained quiet. Jordan slanted a look at him. A pout thinned his lips, his arms folded over his chest.

  She’d get home and talk to Rachel. She just needed to get things back under her control.

  Out of the corner of her eye, she saw something large and brown, moving fast, crossing the road only yards in front of her. A deer?

  Zachary jumped in his truck and started out after Jordan. He shouldn’t have said what he had about the lawyer. He might be angry with her, but that was hitting below the belt, and she didn’t deserve it. She’d been a good mother to Nicholas.

  He pressed down on the accelerator to catch up with her. Up ahead he spied her Camaro.

  Then he saw the deer leap onto the highway right in front of Jordan’s car. She swerved to avoid the animal and plowed off the road. Her vehicle bounced across the rough terrain and plunged into a ditch near the field, a tree stopping her forward motion. The medium-size oak swayed under the impact. His heartbeat stalled for a few seconds as his gaze fastened onto her car, the front end smashed against the trunk.

  With his pulse thundering in his ears, he sped until he reached the place where Jordan went off the road. He slammed on his breaks and jumped from his truck. He raced toward the wreck. His pulse racing even faster than he was.

  Lord, let them be alive. It can’t end this way.

  Reaching the rear bumper, he climbed into the ditch on the driver’s side, nearest him. A gray cloud bellowed from the scrunched hood. He peered inside. Her head lay against the deflated airbag and steering wheel. He jerked on the door. He couldn’t budge it.

  Back up the ditch, he made his way to the other side and tried to get in. A fine powder floated inside the car. Nicholas, held up by his seat belt, sagged against the window, a spiderweb of cracks spreading out from the contact with his head. Blood ran down his face.

  Panting, trying desperately to suppress the panic churning in his gut, Zachary yanked with all his strength on the handle. For a few seconds nothing happened. Then the door creaked open half a foot. He wedged his arm through the crack and pried it open farther.

  “Nicholas. Jordan.” His voice shook as much as his body did.

  Jordan moaned and looked toward him. Blinking, she raised her head and reached toward their son. “No. Nicholas.”

  He stirred, his eyelids lifting partway. “Mom?” He tried to move and collapsed back.

  “Stay still, son. I’m calling 911.” Zachary dug for his cell and clenched it to keep the trembling in his hands from showing. After he reported the accident, he turned back to Jordan and his son. “Help is on the way.”

  “My leg hurts.” Tears filled Nicholas’s eyes and spilled over onto his cheeks, mingling with the blood.

  Zachary inspected his son and noticed his left leg was pinned by the dashboard. Kneeling next to Nicholas, he took his hand. “You’ll be all right. Just don’t move.”

  Jordan tried her door. When she couldn’t budge it, she twisted back toward Zachary. “I’m stuck.”

  The fright on her pale face, in her voice, tore at his composure. She tried to unhook her seat belt but couldn’t. She shoved again at the door but it remained shut. When she looked at him, her panic drove the terror away.

  “Easy, Jordan. The paramedics will be here soon.” He stood and stared down the stretch of hi
ghway then stooped again. “I hear a siren. Five minutes tops.” Hurry. I can’t lose them.

  “I need to help my son. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t avoid…” Her words faded into the quiet. She placed her hand on Nicholas’s arm closest to her as though she could will her strength into him.

  His own helplessness inundated Zachary. He rose again and watched for the ambulance. Flashing lights and the sound of the siren grew closer. The pounding of his heart nearly drowned out the approaching emergency vehicles. He’d never been so afraid in his life—even when the bull had crushed him.

  “Everything is going to be okay,” he murmured as much to reassure himself as Nicholas and Jordan.

  Hours later, Jordan sat in the waiting room surrounded by family, Granny on one side and Rachel on the other. Her mother was nearby talking with Zachary and Becca, their voices too low to hear what they were saying.

  Nicholas had just been taken into surgery to repair his broken leg. The scent of antiseptic knotted her stomach so tight bile clogged her throat. The sterile room, painted a light green, reminded her of the one in South Carolina. She’d almost lost her son then. This time he would be all right, but the feeling of being out of control bombarded her from all sides.

  She leaped to her feet. She couldn’t sit here any longer.

  “Where are you going, honey?” her mother asked.

  Glancing over her shoulder, Jordan locked gazes with Zachary for a few seconds before looking at her mom. “Out of here.”

  Zachary rose, concern in his expression. “I’ll come with you.”

  “No!” She fled the room, tears shadowing her vision as she hurried down the hall toward she wasn’t sure where.

  The last thing she needed was Zachary to be kind to her, to say anything to her. Since the paramedics and highway patrol arrived on the scene of the wreck, everything happened in a blur as if she were watching it from afar. Separate. A spectator.

  She wanted her old life back before she’d come to Tallgrass. Since her arrival home, nothing had been the same. Every day there was something new to deal with. She didn’t know what to expect anymore—except that Zachary didn’t really want to have anything to do with her. Only Nicholas.

  The sign for the chapel drew her toward it. She entered and escaped inside the dimly lit room, nondescript, with several rows of chairs. The sounds of the hospital faded as she shut the door.

  She collapsed onto the seat nearest to her and bowed her head. For the longest moment she couldn’t think of anything to say to the Lord. Her son was hurting again because of something she’d done this time. She should have been able to avoid the accident. She should have been able…

  The tears streaked down her face, released finally like a valve turned completely on unchecked. She let them fall into her lap. She’d walked away with a few cuts and bruises. Why couldn’t she have been the one hurt, needing surgery? Not her son.

  Why, Lord? What are You trying to tell me?

  The door opened. Lifting her head, Jordan grew so stiff her muscles locked painfully. She needed to be alone. She needed—Granny slipped inside and came to sit beside her. Her grandmother patted Jordan’s hands clutched together in her lap.

  For minutes silence reigned in the chapel. The hammering of Jordan’s heartbeat pulsated in her ears. Slowly her grandmother’s presence blanketed Jordan in a calming mantle. God had sent Granny to comfort her.

  “I’ve really made a mess of my life,” she finally said, the heat from her grandmother’s touch warming Jordan’s cold body.

  “Why do you say that? The wreck was an accident. From what Zachary said there wasn’t anything you could have done. It happened so fast.”

  The mention of Zachary renewed her fear that he’d take her to court concerning custody of their son. The calming mantle slipped from her. “He wants Nicholas.”

  “Of course he does. He’s his father. It’s a good thing he wants to be in Nicholas’s life.”

  “He told me he’s gonna talk to a lawyer.”

  “When, child?”

  “Today at the ranch right before I left.”

  “Do you trust in the Lord?”

  “Yes.” Jordan shifted toward her grandmother and saw the doubt in her eyes. “You don’t think I do?”

  “I believe you think you do, but you’re always so busy trying to control everything in your life that you’ve lost sight of what’s important. God knows what is best for us, and sometimes we have to just put our faith in Him. Trust Him, child, completely. He brought you back here for a reason. Quit fighting Him every step of the way.”

  “Control? Today I discovered I have no control really. Literally in a blink of an eye your life can change.”

  “My point exactly.” Granny tapped her chest. “Take it from this eighty-one-years-young woman who has been through a lot in that time. Just when you think you’ve got everything figured out, something changes. Faith is what has sustained me. It can for you, too.” Pushing to her feet, she gripped the back of the chair in front of her. “I imagine you’ve got some thinking and praying to do. I’ll be in the waiting room.”

  Jordan stood and hugged her grandmother. “I love you. I’ll be back in a little bit.”

  After Granny left, Jordan sank back down and clasped her hands. “Father, I’ve been so wrong. I’ve been scared to trust anyone—You, Zachary. There’s always been a part I’ve held back. Please help me. I need You.”

  “Nicholas is gonna be all right, Zachary.” Becca paused next to him at the vending machine.

  He punched the button for coffee. Its scent wafted to him as the cup filled. He’d always loved the smell of coffee. Now it seared a hole in his gut. “I’ll feel better when the doctor tells me. Remember what happened to me when the bull trampled me?”

  “This is different. Not nearly as complicated.” His sister checked her watch. “In fact, the surgery should be over soon.”

  “I can’t help wondering if what I said to Jordan right before she left didn’t contribute to the wreck.”

  “You told me you saw it and it happened so fast there wasn’t anything she could have done except swerve or hit the buck. Hitting the deer would have caused major damage, too. Remember that time Dad ran into a cow? The insurance company totaled our car.”

  “I know.” He dragged his fingers through his hair, kneading his fingers into his taut neck muscles. “But I really didn’t mean I would contact a lawyer. I was angry and lashed out at Jordan. She left upset….” He couldn’t shake the image of her car going off the road or the picture of Jordan and Nicholas hurt and trapped. Helplessness flooded him again as if a downpour deluged him.

  “Then talk with her and tell her you didn’t mean it. Ask her forgiveness.”

  He flinched. “How can I ask her to do that when I’ve had trouble doing that myself?”

  “What would have happened if Jordan had really hurt herself or worse—died? How would you have felt holding on to that anger over something that happened years ago? Does your anger make you feel better? Or is it Audrey you’re really mad at? Forgive both of them.”

  His sister’s words made him think about the unthinkable. Had his relationship with Audrey colored his with Jordan? What if Jordan had died today? The very thought chilled his blood. A world without her? He shuddered, one wave after another rippling down his body.

  “You’ve got more than yourself to consider now. What are you teaching your son if you hold a grudge like you are? If she can forgive Mom, why can’t you forgive her?”

  Zachary took the coffee cup and sipped at the hot brew. A bitter taste coated his tongue that had nothing to do with his drink and everything to do with the picture of the kind of man he was showing his son.

  Rachel came around the corner. “Zachary, Nicholas is out of surgery. The doctor is in the waiting room.”

  A few hours later Jordan stood outside Nicholas’s hospital room. “Mom, I’m staying here tonight.”

  “Honey, I’m worried about you. You look exhausted.”
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  “I couldn’t sleep even if I was at home. If all goes well, Nicholas will come home soon. Then I can get some rest.”

  Her mother squeezed her hand. “I understand. I’ll see you all in the morning.”

  Jordan watched her mom and grandmother get on the elevator before she turned back toward her son’s door. Everyone was gone except Zachary. She’d been able to manage being in the same room with him as long as others were there, too.

  She entered, her gaze immediately seeking the bed where Nicholas slept. He’d wakened briefly after the surgery but was now sleeping soundly. His bandaged head underscored what had happened earlier.

  Again the picture of the buck flashed into her mind. It had been too close for her to do anything but swerve or hit it. Neither option had been good. The sounds of the crash—the crunch of her car folding like an accordion, the airbag exploding outward—and the smells of the leaking engine fluids mingling with the stagnant water in the ditch assailed her. Goose bumps rose on her arms, and she hugged them to her.

  Zachary cleared his throat, reminding her she wasn’t alone. Wouldn’t be the whole night because he was staying with his son, too. Exhausted, aching, she didn’t know if she could deal with another incident where they dueled over Nicholas. Why couldn’t he leave and come back with the rest in the morning? She’d always been the one in the past to stay, holding vigilance. But wasn’t that the problem?

  Zachary should have had that choice all those years ago. She turned away, not wanting him to see the conflict that had to be written on her face. He couldn’t forgive her, so as most things, this was out of her control. Lord, Your will.

  With Zachary on the small couch, she moved to the chair a few feet away. She turned it to point toward Nicholas’s bed. Taking a seat, her back to Zachary, she closed her eyes and inhaled deep breaths to calm her stressed body. But nothing relieved the tension that bunched every muscle.

  The hairs on her nape tingled right before Zachary’s hand covered her clenched one on the armrest. “I’ll sit here if you want to lie down on the couch.”