Bat Attack!

by J. E. Fison

  ‘Elephant Ears was in a hurry to find that mine,’ I say. ‘What could be in an old mine that’s so important?’

  ‘I have no idea,’ Lachlan admits. ‘But we’re going to find out.’

  12.00 noon: ‘If the mine is that way,’ Lachlan says, pointing down Wallaby Track, ‘why was Elephant Ears driving the other way?’

  ‘I’d say he was lost. The mine has to be that way,’ Mimi says pointing down the track. ‘Not too far from the fire station.’

  Mimi and Lachlan are arguing over the map. They agree we should look for the mine. They just can’t agree on how to find it.

  Mimi points to a line on the map. ‘This is Wallaby Track. We’re right here.’

  ‘No, we’re here,’ Lachlan says pointing to another line on the map. ‘Just because you’ve sailed around the world, it doesn’t mean you can read a map.’

  I would have to disagree with that. I think it is a very good reason to believe that Professor Bigbrains can read a map. If you can find your way from Australia to Africa and all the way back again (the long way around), surely you can find a mine in the bush.

  ‘Maybe MINE isn’t a mine at all,’ Ben says. ‘Maybe it stands for something like My Igloo is Nearly Empty.’

  ‘Why would it stand for that?’ Lachlan asks.

  ‘It’s code ... for Elephant Ears’s top-secret headquarters,’ Ben says, starting one of his ‘don’t let the facts get in the way of a good story’ stories. ‘His secret base is hidden in the bush, right where that map says MINE. It’s going to be verrry dangerous to find. He’s got the whole place booby trapped.’

  Mimi and Lachlan look at each other, a bit confused. But I’ve heard Ben’s stories before. I lie back in the grass. This could go on for some time.

  ‘What about the quicksand?’ Ben says. ‘Was that just an accident?’

  ‘Yes, it was,’ Mimi points out.

  But Ben hasn’t finished the story.

  ‘I was up to my neck in sand. Swamp Tiger snakes were circling me, getting ready to strike. Sea eagles were flying over me, ready to pick out my eyes and feed them to their chicks. I was almost dead when you three pulled me out.’

  Ben takes a step towards Mimi. His face is stern. ‘That wasn’t an accident. That was the work of Elephant Ears ... Mr EE. Even his name sounds suspicious. Mr Eeeee ... MYSTERY ... Just another coincidence? I doubt it.’

  ‘Well, if you think about it, his name isn’t really Elephant Ears,’ Mimi points out. ‘That’s just a made up name. So I’d say it is just a coincidence.’

  ‘No, it isn’t!’ Ben shouts back. He turns his back on Mimi and jumps onto a tree stump. ‘He wants to take over Australia and make us all his servants! We’ll have to clean his shoes, sweep his house. We’ll have to wash his dog. He’ll probably make us clean his toilet. We can’t let it happen!’

  ‘That’s just ridiculous, Ben,’ Lachlan says, pushing him off the tree stump and snatching the map off Mimi.

  ‘MINE is not the headquarters of Mr EE. It’s just a mine. The fastest way to get there is to cut through the bush. Follow me.’

  We walk and we walk and we walk. We pass an old boat with trees growing through the middle, a rusty bike and some kangaroo bones. Ben can’t walk past the kangaroo bones. The Stink Collector carefully looks at each of the white bones, comparing sizes and shapes and eventually selects three pocket-sized bones.

  ‘You never know when you’re going to need a few kangaroo bones,’ he says. He stuffs them in his pockets, along with a fly swat with a hole in the middle.

  We walk on and on and on. Mimi and Ben dawdle. We walk past another boat with trees growing through the middle. We are either walking in circles or this used to be an inland sea. Lachlan insists he still knows where he’s going. I am almost certain we are lost, when we come to a fork in the track.

  ‘This way,’ Lachlan says pointing to the right-hand fork.

  ‘Should we wait for the others?’ I say. Mimi and Ben are so far behind I can’t even see them.

  ‘They’ll find us,’ Lachlan says. He walks off down the track.

  I watch him disappear around a bend, then turn in the other direction, waiting for Mimi and Ben to appear. I wait. I don’t wait for very long. But it is enough time to realise that Lachlan has the map. Mimi and Ben have each other and I have ... nothing. I’ve been abandoned in the bush! I’m all alone with Mr EE!

  Get me out of here!

  I take off down the track after Lachlan. I’m running at full pace around the bend, when I almost slam into him. Lachlan is standing in the middle of the track looking at a sign.

  Keep Out. Private Property.

  The words are painted in big red letters. Underneath is painted a very unfriendly skull.

  Ahead is an old house.

  I look at the rusty roof and the paint flaking off the walls. Could this be Mr EE’s top-secret headquarters? It’s not the kind of place I’d be living if I were trying to take over the world. Where is Mr EE’s high-tech fortress with satellite dishes on the roof? Where are the missile-launching rockets? Where are the helicopter pads? I bet there’s not even a single chocolate fountain.

  This is just an old abandoned house. The sort that has cobwebs in the corners and spiders on the walls. I bet there are snakes in the wardrobes. I bet there’s gecko poo all over the floor.

  I bet I’m not going any closer because I can hear a strange noise coming from the house.

  Flap ... Flap ... Flap ... Flap.

  ‘What’s that sound?’ I whisper to Lachlan. ‘Someone’s in the house. I think we should go. The sign says Keep Out.’

  I slowly start backing away from the flapping noise. Lachlan edges closer.

  The noise continues. Flap ... Flap ... Flap.

  I imagine Mr Elephant Ears inside the house. He’s trying out his new invention. He’s probably testing a giant metal bird with flapping wings and sharp talons. It’s specially designed to hunt children for his army of servants. And that army is just about to include me.

  Lachlan peers in through one of the broken windows. He jerks his head out again screaming.

  ‘Aaarrggghhh! It’s Mr EE!’ Lachlan shrieks.

  ‘Yaaahhh!’ I scream. I sprint off towards the bush.

  My heart is racing. My legs are pumping. I’m waiting for a giant metal bird to pluck me from the ground and lift me into the sky. Will I be turned into a slave? Will I be made to wash Mr EE’s socks, to clean the earwax from his crusty ears? Will I be tied to a broom and made to sweep the toenail clippings from his bathroom floor? Will I be made to eat cauliflower cheese for breakfast, lunch and dinner?

  ‘Cauliflower cheese makes me vomit!’ I shout at the sky. ‘I’m too lazy to be a good servant. Just ask my mother!’

  But the sky is empty, except for a small green lorikeet shooting between the trees. There’s no sign of a giant metal bird. There’s no sign of Mr EE. There’s just a silly cackling noise coming from behind me.

  Lachlan is lying on the grass, laughing.

  ‘You should have seen your face! You looked so scared,’ Lachlan shrieks.

  Flying custard pies! He’s got me.

  ‘There’s no one in the house. It’s just the wind blowing a blind against the window. Come on. Let’s look inside.’

  I stare at Lachlan. He can’t be serious.

  I’m not doing anything with him after a stunt like that. My heart is still racing. And besides, I’m still recovering from the last time I followed him into an empty house. We were sitting on a couple of old chairs eating a packet of chips when a man walked out of the bathroom. Scream? I thought we’d never stop. I got a fright because I thought no one lived in the house. The man got a fright because he wasn’t expecting two children in his lounge room. And Lachlan screamed because the man dropped his bath towel when he saw us. We ran from that house like we were being chased by a pack of dingoes.

  ‘Promise you won’t try to scare me this time,’ I say.

  Lachlan reaches for the door handle. ‘Are
you afraid of an empty house?’ he says.

  ‘No, I’m afraid of what you’ll do to me in an empty house.’

  ‘Don’t be a baby. Come on. Let’s have a look inside,’ Lachlan says.

  He turns the handle, but the door won’t budge. He gives it a kick. There’s a loud creak as the door swings open, like the whole house is groaning. Cockroaches scurry under the cupboards as we walk inside.

  There’s no sign of Mr Elephant Ears.

  ‘I don’t think anyone has been in here for a long time,’ Lachlan says. He picks up a dead fly off the windowsill and throws it at me.

  ‘How about we make this our new clubhouse?’ I say. ‘We could have code names. We could even set up our own booby traps.’

  ‘Our password could be “coodle-boodle-bird-beeper-steeper-rumper-bumper-squeaker-earwax”.’

  ‘That’s the worst password I’ve ever heard,’ Lachlan says. ‘Who is going to remember that? How about “Lachlan Master is the smartest, fastest boy on earth”? Yes. I think that’s easy to remember.’

  ‘How about, “Lachlan is the Master of Disaster”?’ I suggest. I’m rather annoyed that the secret base was my idea and Lachlan is already trying to take over.

  Lachlan doesn’t hear me. He has his head in one of the kitchen cupboards. He reaches in and pulls out a packet of biscuits.

  ‘Here. Have a biscuit,’ Lachlan says, tossing one to me.

  The cream wafer crumbles in my hand. A little grub wriggles out.

  ‘Eeeek. Weevils,’ I scream. I throw the biscuit on the floor.

  ‘Lachlan! ... Jack! ... Where are you? We found something really amazing,’ Mimi calls from outside the house.

  Lachlan pokes his head out of a window.

  ‘We’re here. But you can’t come in if you don’t know the password. We’ve started a secret club.’

  ‘Abracadabra,’ Ben says.

  ‘That’s not a password. That’s a magic word,’ Lachlan says. ‘You’ll have to do better than that.’

  ‘Come on, Lachlan,’ Mimi says. ‘We don’t know the password. Just let us in.’

  ‘What’s the password?’ Lachlan demands. He stands in the doorway with his arms out, blocking Mimi and Ben from coming into the house.

  ‘Rooper-dooper-pooper-scooper,’ Ben says.

  ‘I like it. You can come in.’

  ‘Ohhh, yuk,’ Mimi says when she walks in. ‘It stinks in here. This is a disgusting secret clubhouse.’

  ‘It just needs cleaning up,’ I say. I’m a bit disappointed that she can’t see the potential that this old house offers.

  ‘So what did you find?’ I ask Ben. ‘What’s so exciting? Have you found Mr EE?’

  ‘No. We haven’t found Mr EE. But we found his mine,’ Ben says.

  ‘So MINE is codeword for mine, is it?’ Lachlan says, mocking Ben.

  ‘That’s right!’ Ben says, missing the joke. ‘And it’s just over there.’

  1.35 pm: Just a hundred metres from the house is an old mine. The entrance is small and dark. Ben, Mimi and I get on our hands and knees and inch our way into the darkness like three blind mice. Lachlan is somewhere behind us. He’s looking after the headlamps, which would be very handy in the mine. He makes excuses about the entrance being too small for him. I think he’s just afraid of the dark.

  ‘This isn’t a mine. It’s a toilet,’ Ben says stopping to sniff the air. ‘It stinks in here.’

  It’s completely black, which is why I don’t see that Ben has stopped, until my nose crashes into his bottom. And Mimi doesn’t see that I have stopped, until she head-butts my backside.

  ‘Hey, get your nose out of my bottom,’ I say to Mimi.

  ‘Get your bottom off my nose,’ she complains.

  ‘You’re scratching my behind,’ Ben says. ‘Get your face out of my rear end.’

  I am just trying to untangle myself from the chain of bottoms, when the mine explodes with noise.

  Clang ... bang ... clang ... clang ... bang.

  It sounds like someone is playing the cymbals in my ears.

  Mimi lets out a scream loud enough for someone on the Great Wall of China to hear. I scramble to my feet. I hit my head on the roof. I turn to find out where the noise is coming from. Then I see Lachlan at the entrance of the mine. He’s banging a saucepan and lid together.

  Flying custard pies! He’s got me again.

  The cymbals sound stops, but the noise gets even more deafening. The walls of the mine come alive. There’s screeching, flapping, swooping, and something is peeing on my head.

  It’s bats!

  ‘I’ve been bitten!’ Lachlan shouts. ‘The bats are attacking!’

  I crawl like a bionic baby back out of the tunnel, with Ben head-butting my bottom most of the way. I scramble into the daylight. Hundreds of bats wheel around the entrance of the mine. They’re confused by the daylight, flapping in my face, screeching in my ears. I’m not surprised they’re annoyed. Bats like to sleep during the day. They don’t like being woken up by silly boys with saucepans. And nor would I.

  A bat flies straight towards my face. It gives me a perfect view of possibly one of the ugliest creatures alive. It has long ears and what looks like a piece of salad on the end of its nose.

  I’m being attacked by Master Yoda with wings! I’m in the middle of a Star Wars battle zone.

  I cover my head with my arms. A pair of white wings flaps past. I look up. More bats swoop towards me. I get to my feet and run. (This time I’m following Mimi’s directions.) I don’t stop until our bikes come into view.

  ‘They’re vampire bats,’ Lachlan says when we eventually reach our bikes. ‘They tried to kill me.’

  ‘Vampire bats don’t eat people,’ Mimi says. ‘And they don’t even live in Australia.’

  ‘You deserve to be eaten,’ I say to Lachlan. ‘Why did you bang that saucepan?’

  ‘It was just a little joke,’ he says.

  It might be a joke for Lachlan. But I don’t think it’s funny. Banging Lachlan over the head with a saucepan, now that would be funny. Putting a jellyfish down his pants, that would also be funny. Mixing kangaroo poo into his spaghetti bolognaise, that would be even funnier.

  ‘So we found the mine. But where is Mr Elephant Ears?’ Lachlan says. ‘I was looking forward to giving him some driving advice. Maybe letting down his tyres would slow him down a bit. Guess we’ve lost him.’

  ‘We might not have lost him,’ Mimi says. ‘He had a flyer for the disco in his backpack. Maybe he’s planning to go. Do you think you’ll recognise him if he shows up?’

  Of course I’ll recognise him. Who could forget those ears?

  7.25 pm: A large crowd has already gathered at the Hazard River Fire Station by the time I arrive with Ben. There’s no sign of Mr Elephant Ears, but there are plenty of other people. They’ve come by boat, they’ve come in four-wheel drives, they’ve come by bike. They have come from all over the place to celebrate New Year’s Eve.

  I am lucky to be here at all. Mum went mental when she saw the bruise on Ben’s face and smelled the bat pee on me. She was ready to ban me from having any fun for the rest of my life. It wasn’t looking good. Then I told her I saved Ben from drowning in a billabong. I went from bad boy to hero in just a few seconds. Mum even helped get my hair right for the disco.

  The only downside ... Ben’s wearing a headlamp.

  ‘Save Our Wildlife’, reads a banner hanging from the fire station.

  ‘What wildlife are we meant to be saving?’ I ask Mimi when I find her.

  ‘There are a lot of animals that need to be saved,’ she says, guiding me to a poster. ‘But here’s one that you’ll recognise.’

  A furry little Master Yoda with wings stares back at me from the poster.

  ‘They’re just like the ones that attacked us at the mine,’ Mimi says.

  ‘Why would we want to save them?’ I ask. The humiliation of being peed on by a colony of noisy bats is still fresh in my mind.

  ‘They’re ghost bats
. They’re very rare. I’ve just been reading all about them.’

  Mimi launches into a lesson about the importance of saving ghost bats. But I have to be honest, I don’t really have any idea what she’s talking about. I’m working out the chances of Professor Mimi Bigbrain’s head exploding with all that information inside. I should be listening to the ways we can protect vulnerable species. Instead I’m imagining word-shaped sticky stuff seeping out of her ears and running down her neck.

  There must be a limit to the amount of knowledge people can fit inside their head. And personally, I don’t want to test that limit. That’s why I just stick to the important stuff – like which team is at the top of the footy ladder and how many giant python lollies I can eat without getting sick. (I once ate fifteen, but I did vomit a little bit.)

  ‘Have you seen Mr EE yet?’ Mimi asks. ‘I’m worried about what he’s going to do in that old mine. He could kill all of the ghost bats.’

  Mimi continues her ‘useful information about bats’ talk until Ben starts pulling on my arm.

  ‘Jack, they’re selling glow-in-the-dark stuff over there,’ Ben says, pointing at a neon-lit desk. ‘I want to buy something.’

  I follow Ben. Huge lights are spinning and flashing, making me dizzy. Coloured balloons are hanging from the ceiling. Music is thumping through my whole body. Boys are running around the dance floor with their arms in the air. It’s the worst dancing I have seen in my life. A few girls are leaning against the wall, in their matching ‘Save Our Wildlife’ T-shirts and denim shorts.

  I wander over to a desk laden with flashing octopuses, sea stars and crabs.

  ‘What would you like?’ a girl behind the desk asks. Her glow-in-the-dark earrings swing as she talks.

  ‘I’ll have an octopus, a sea star and a crab,’ Ben says. He collects them from the desk and slings them around his neck.

  ‘No, you can only have one. I don’t have enough money for all of them,’ I say.

  ‘I’ll give you a special price,’ the girl smiles. ‘It’s all for a good cause.’