Bat Attack!

by J. E. Fison

  ‘I think you’ve made a friend,’ I say.

  Three cheers for the Stink Collector. But make them quick.

  The front door of the house squeaks open.

  ‘Someone’s coming!’ I whisper.

  I peek through the back window as Mr Elephant Ears walks out of the house. He squints into the darkness.

  ‘Kangaroos,’ he shouts back towards the house. ‘Must be a couple of roos out here.’

  Mr Elephant Ears paces up and down in front of the house. He stops to give the dog a pat and then starts walking towards the bush.

  Flying custard pies! He’s coming this way!

  I duck down out of sight. Dry sticks snap outside the ute as he gets closer. I wonder what he’s going to say when he opens the ute door and sees three children lying on the seat.

  ‘Oh, how nice to see you. Would you like a packet of marshmallows’? I don’t think so.

  ‘Get out of my car or I’ll feed you to the dog’, is probably more likely.

  Everything goes quiet for a moment. Then I hear the sound of water running onto the grass. Why would anyone be watering the lawn at this time of the night? Does he think he can break water restrictions just because it’s the middle of the night and he’s in the bush? Well, I’ve got news for him. I’m going to report him to the local council. He’s going to get a fine for this. I peek out through the window. He’s hosing the grass all right, but he’s not using water.

  Yuk. It’s coming from his pants.

  Mr Elephant Ears zips up his jeans and returns to the house.

  Mimi, Ben and I are still in the ute, when a figure sprints out of the shadows. I lean out of the ute window and wave my arms. Lachlan scurries towards us. He looks like he’s just been told he’s having jellyfish with chilli sauce for dinner. He doesn’t look good.

  ‘Listen,’ Lachlan whispers clambering into the ute. ‘I heard Mr Elephant Ears and his mate talking in there. You won’t believe what they’re about to do.’

  10.36 pm: ‘That mine we found today with the bats in it ... It’s an old gold mine,’ Lachlan says. ‘Some time tonight Mr Elephant Ears and his friend are going to blow the place into a million pieces.’

  ‘Oh, great. We can steal the gold,’ I say. This is looking like my lucky night. First the iPod and now a sack full of gold. ‘We’ll just wait until the men have blown up the mine, sneak in and help ourselves.’

  ‘Aren’t you forgetting something?’ Mimi says.

  ‘I’ll share it with you,’ I say, hoping that is the thing I’ve forgotten. ‘We’re partners, right?’

  ‘You’re forgetting about the bats,’ Mimi says in her best schoolteacher voice.

  I hate it when she uses that.

  ‘That mine is full of ghost bats,’ she reminds me.

  Another good plan spoiled by Professor Bigbrains.

  ‘Very rare ghost bats. You’re not going to let those men blow up the mine and kill all the bats, are you?’ Mimi says.

  ‘Aren’t we?’ I mumble. I would agree that ghost bats are more important than a mine full of coal or oil or something like that ... but we’re talking about gold here.

  ‘No, we’re not,’ Mimi says, answering her own question. ‘We’re going to save the bats.’

  ‘We’re saving the bats!’ Ben shouts. He swings a glowing octopus in the air and almost knocks my eye out.

  ‘We’re saving the bats!’ I repeat. But just quietly I’m planning how I can save the bats and how I can sneak back into the mine tomorrow and save myself some gold. The bats aren’t going to need it, are they?

  ‘I’ve got a plan,’ Lachlan says, trying to retake charge of our band of animal warriors. ‘We find where they’ve hidden the explosives. Throw a match on them and stand back. It’ll be better than the fireworks at the Royal Show.’

  ‘I love the Show,’ Ben says. ‘Will there be a stunt car display? Will anyone be shot from a cannon?’

  ‘We’ll be the ones shot into the sky if we set fire to the explosives,’ I say. ‘The explosives are in the back of the ute.’

  ‘Well, what are we doing in the ute?’ Lachlan asks.

  ‘Hiding from the dog,’ Ben replies.

  Isn’t that obvious to everyone?

  ‘I have an idea,’ I say. ‘We’ll move the explosives.’

  ‘How are we going to carry all those explosives into the bush without Mr Elephant Ears, his mate, his son and his dog noticing?’ Lachlan asks.

  ‘We’re not. We’re going to take the car, with the explosives in the back and drive to the Hazard River Fire Station. There’ll be someone there who knows what to do with them.’

  I sit back and wait for the applause. I have come up with the most awesome plan ever. But Lachlan doesn’t think so.

  ‘So you’ve got the keys to the car, have you?’ Lachlan says, looking at me.

  He knows I haven’t.

  ‘No, I don’t have the keys,’ I say. My plan is already starting to unravel.

  ‘Great idea, Jack. Brilliant plan,’ Lachlan says, mocking me.

  But I’m not ready to give up yet.

  ‘The keys are in the house ... on the kitchen bench,’ I lie.

  I have no idea where the car keys are. It’s just a wild guess. Mum always leaves her keys on the kitchen bench, so maybe everyone does.

  ‘We’ll sneak inside and get them. Ben, you’re the smallest. You can go in.’

  ‘No, I don’t want to go near Mr Elephant Ears,’ Ben cries. ‘You can’t make me go. I want Lachlan’s plan. I want to see fireworks.’

  ‘It’s your plan, Jack. You go,’ Lachlan says.

  And so it’s settled. I’ll have to find the car keys if we are going to save the bats tonight.

  10.47 pm: ‘We’ll have to make a start soon, mate,’ I can hear a man saying. I creep up to the back window, and slowly inch my face towards the opening. With the corner of my eye, I peek into the room. Two men are sitting on an old ripped couch watching TV. They make a great pair. Mr Elephant Ears has the biggest ears I’ve ever seen. With ears like that he’d be able to hear a bandicoot burp on the other side of Australia. His friend has a nose like a banana. He can probably smell a bandicoot burp on the other side of Australia.

  The dog goes off. Rrrrr ... Rrrrr ... Rrrrr.

  ‘What is that dog barking at?’ Mr Elephant Ears shouts, getting to his feet. He walks outside.

  ‘I think there’s someone out here,’ Mr Elephant Ears calls over the noise of the dog barking. ‘Come and have a look.’

  Mr Banana Nose gets to his feet, grumbling.

  ‘Who’s going to be out there in the middle of the night? It’s just a kangaroo.’

  He walks to the doorway and stands looking into the night.

  ‘Go outside. Go outside’, I pray.

  I wish the man out through the front door. Lachlan is supposed to be attracting their attention so I can sneak into the house. Come on, Lachlan. Try a bit harder.

  ‘There’s definitely someone over there in the trees,’ Mr Elephant Ears calls. ‘I can hear them. And it looks like something is flashing out there in the grass.’

  ‘Yeah. Something smells a bit strange out there as well,’ Mr Banana Nose says. He stands in the doorway with his nose in the air. ‘I’m sure I can smell a salt-and-vinegar-chips burp. I’d know that smell anywhere.’

  ‘Well, don’t look at me,’ Mr Elephant Ears says. ‘I haven’t been eating salt and vinegar chips.’

  Mr Banana Nose finally walks out of the house. Now is my chance. I know I don’t have long. I climb in through the open window. I land in a pile of gecko poo.

  Yuk.

  I check the kitchen bench first. There are a few biscuit crumbs. There’s a line of ants. But there are no keys.

  ‘There’s no one out here,’ Mr Banana Nose mutters from somewhere just outside.

  ‘Yeah, probably nothing,’ Mr Elephant Ears says.

  Blood pounds in my ears as they get closer to the house. I have to get out of here! I can’t leave through the f
ront door. I don’t have time to get to the open window. I scurry like an overgrown cockroach towards the only other room in the house. Then I shuffle back out. Toilet Brush Head is lying on a bed. He’s absorbed in a game on his DS.

  I’d love to give him a piece of my mind. No one calls me a worm boy and gets away with it. But just this once, I’ll let it go.

  Mr Banana Nose is coming this way.

  I open the nearest cupboard, a broom cupboard right next to the TV. I duck inside and hold my breath. I can hear Mr Banana Nose walking into the house. He plonks himself on the couch, just metres away from me. I can see him through a crack in the cupboard.

  A thin beam of light comes into the cupboard. I crouch down, wondering what to do. And come face to face with something big and black.

  Eeeekkk!

  About ten centimetres from my nose is a huntsman spider. It’s as big as my hand. It’s almost as ugly as Mr Banana Nose. I shrink closer to the floor. I keep one eye on the spider. The other, I keep on Mr Banana Nose.

  He kicks off his boots, then pulls off his socks. He stands and unzips his jeans. They fall to the floor, jingling as they go.

  The keys!

  The car keys are in his pocket.

  Mr Banana Nose slumps back onto the couch in his T-shirt and Mickey Mouse boxer shorts. It’s not a good look.

  ‘That’s cooler,’ he says to himself.

  Mr Banana Nose fixes his eyes on the TV. I’m not sure what he’s watching. I can just hear two people talking. It sounds really dull.

  A few moments later Mr Elephant Ears walks into the room. He flops onto the couch beside Mr Banana Nose.

  ‘We’ll just give it ten minutes, eh?’ he says. ‘Then I’m gonna to make a start on packing those explosives.’

  ‘Yeah, I think this movie is just about to get really exciting,’ Mr Banana Nose says. He’s still focused on the TV, but it’s not long before I can see his eyelids drooping. Within a few minutes he’s fast asleep, hooting like an old steam train. Mr Elephant Ears nods off a few seconds later. It sounds like a truckload of farm animals has arrived in the room.

  Mmmm ... hooot ... mmmm ... hooot ... snort ... snort ... mmm ... hooot ... gobble ... gobble.

  I sit in the cupboard, waiting for my chance to escape. When I’m sure the men are both fast asleep, I slowly open the door. Mr Banana Nose has stopped hooting. He’s honking like a goose. I put one foot on the floor. A floorboard creaks. Mr Elephant Ears sits bolt upright.

  Flying custard pies! I’m in trouble now.

  ‘Mummy, I want my teddy bear. I don’t like the dark. I want my teddy bear,’ Mr Elephant Ears whimpers.

  Huh? What is he talking about?

  Mr Elephant Ears gives a couple of loud snorts. He burps and then drops back down onto the couch and returns to his dream. He’s just talking in his sleep.

  My gut is churning with nerves. I feel sick. I’ve got to get out of here, before someone really does wake up or Toilet Brush Head loses interest in his DS and finds me standing in his lounge room. I’ll never see my iPod again.

  I’m just about to put my other foot onto the floor, when I feel something land on my face.

  It’s the huntsman spider!

  I jump out of the cupboard. I dance from one foot to the other, flicking at my face, shaking my hair. I feel the spider’s hairy legs crawling down my neck. I grab the jeans from the floor and race through the front door. I can still hear Mr Banana Nose honking, until the dog starts barking.

  The dog. I forgot about the dog.

  I sprint towards the car with Mr Banana Nose’s jeans slung over my shoulder. The spider’s now tickling my arm. The dog is just a metre behind me.

  ‘The kangaroo bones!’ I shout to Ben. ‘Give the dog your bones.’

  ‘The small one or the medium-sized one?’ comes a voice from inside the car.

  ‘I don’t care! Throw them both!’ I shout. I’m more worried about being eaten by a dog than waking up the miners.

  ‘Now!’ I scream.

  The dog has already ripped a hole in the backside of my jeans, when I spot two white bones flying past me. The dog can see them, too. He abandons his tasty meal of jeans and soft bottom flesh, snatches a bone from the air and retreats to the house.

  I dive in through the window of the ute, flicking the spider from my arm. It shoots through the air and lands right between Lachlan’s eyes.

  ‘Ahh ... ahh ... ahh,’ Lachlan screams, shaking his head and flapping his arms. ‘Get it off. Get it off. Spider ... ahhh! Get it off.’

  This time I’m the one laughing. Lachlan brushes the spider onto the floor and punches me in the arm. That spoils the joke.

  ‘It’s not funny, Jack!’ he shouts. ‘Where are the keys?’

  ‘Right here,’ I say, emptying the contents of Mr Banana Nose’s jeans onto the seat beside me. Lachlan flicks on his torch. The light reveals an array of keys, coins, batteries, screws, a handkerchief the size of a towel and a piece of chewed chewing gum (still moist).

  ‘Got it!’ I shout, trying to pick up the car key without touching the chewing gum.

  ‘Lie down, dog,’ I can hear someone shouting from inside the house.

  ‘Come on!’ Lachlan whispers. ‘Get a move on, before they see us.’

  I fumble to find the ignition. I slide the key in and twist. I reach my foot down for the accelerator. The engine roars. Lachlan finds the headlights and puts the gear lever into Drive. We’re off. And I’m driving.

  ‘I can drive … I can drive …’ I keep telling myself.

  Oh no I can’t!

  I’m heading straight for the trees.

  11.37 pm: ‘Ahhh! We’re going to crash!’ Ben cries.

  We’re on a collision course, and the stringybark tree ahead of us isn’t getting out of the way. My foot reaches out for the brake. I know it’s on the floor somewhere. I’ve seen my parents use it. But instead of the brake, I find the accelerator. The car lurches ahead. I squeeze my eyes tight. If we’re going to crash, I don’t want to see it.

  ‘What are you doing! You’re going to kill us!’ Lachlan screams.

  He grabs the steering wheel and pulls the car back onto the track. We miss the trees. Behind us Mr Banana Nose is running along in his Mickey Mouse boxer shorts, waving his arms in the air. Mr Elephant Ears is shouting and the dog is barking. Even Toilet Brush Head is among the action, jumping up and down like he’s got ants in his pants.

  ‘We need to go faster,’ Lachlan shouts over the cacophony of screaming, shouting and barking. ‘Get out of the way, Jack. I’m driving.’

  There is no time to argue. Lachlan climbs onto my lap and puts his foot on the accelerator. We bump over the rough track, hitting a massive pothole. Lachlan flies into the air. He lands back on my lap with a thump, crushing me into the seat, forcing the air out of my lungs and quite possibly breaking my ribs. There’s another pothole. I brace myself. Lachlan flies in the air, then lands on top of me. This time I think he’s broken my leg. The next time we hit a bump, I’m ready. As he bounces in the air, I wriggle out from under him. He lands on the seat with a thud.

  ‘Ahh! What’s happened to my seat?’ he complains. ‘I think I’ve just broken my bum.’

  ‘Who cares about your bum?!’ Ben shouts. ‘Just drive faster. Mr Elephant Ears is catching up with us.’

  Lachlan gives the ute an extra burst of power and we roar through the bush, weaving in and out of trees and pounding over the rough track. My shoulder slams into Mimi. My head bangs on the roof. I wonder if I’ll be used in a television advertisement for seat belts. A serious voice will announce: ‘This is what happens when you don’t wear a seat belt’.

  Then there’ll be a close-up of my crushed body covered in blood. I’ll be famous. It’s just a shame I’ll be dead.

  ‘Okay, you can slow down now, Lachlan,’ I say.

  Behind us Mr Banana Nose and Mr Elephant Ears are disappearing into the darkness. They’ve given up the chase. We’ve escaped. The bats are going to survive and it
’s not even midnight. Not bad for a day’s work, even if I do say so myself.

  ‘I think I can hear something,’ Mimi says, leaning her head out of the window. ‘It’s music.’

  A pounding sound fills the bush as we get closer to the Hazard River Fire Station. The disco is still pumping. In just a few moments we’ll be able to deliver our dangerous cargo to some sensible fireman. And we’ll still have time to watch the fireworks. We’ve nearly made it.

  ‘We’ve saved the bats!’ I shout.

  ‘We’ve saved the bats!’ Ben and Mimi shout together. We huddle in a three-way victory celebration, another win for the animal warriors.

  ‘Ahh!’ Lachlan screams. He takes his hands off the steering wheel and slaps his legs. ‘The spider’s crawling up my leg!’

  ‘The billabong!’ I call, staring straight ahead of us. ‘Watch out for the billabong!’

  But it’s too late. The car plunges off the track and careers between the trees, straight into the billabong. It settles in the mud with water up to the door handles.

  ‘Nice driving,’ I say to Lachlan.

  ‘Better than your driving!’ he shouts back, flicking the spider with a street directory. ‘You’re the worst driver ever.’

  ‘I never said I could drive!’ I scream. ‘You made me drive!’

  ‘I wouldn’t have made you, if I knew you were so bad.’

  ‘Let’s get out of here!’ Mimi shouts over the top of us. ‘The ute’s sinking.’

  I take my iPod from my pocket and scramble out of the window behind Lachlan. I ease myself into the water, holding my prize over my head. I paddle with one hand towards the side of the billabong, making sure not to touch the quicksand on the bottom.

  ‘Over this way,’ Mimi calls. ‘Climb onto this tree.’

  A fallen tree provides the perfect bridge from the water to the dry bank. I paddle towards it and scramble to safety. I pull Ben out of the water. Mimi and Lachlan are already standing on the tree trunk. The four of us stare at the ute. It disappears into the billabong, gurgling as it goes.