After the Gold

by Erin McRae

  “I’ll still be around,” Brendan said, hugging them both tightly. “I’ll see you at competitions. And you know you can always call me.”

  He hoped they would. He was fiercely proud of them and deeply invested in their future. Moving to build a life with Katie was the right choice, but one that came with costs.

  There were also phone calls to be made and meetings to be had and paperwork to be signed to get set up as a coach in Minneapolis. He would be an assistant coach this time, but Brendan knew the day wasn’t too far away when he would have skaters of his own. Katie had never been interested in having children, and that was fine by him; as long as he could teach and mentor people who needed and wanted it, Brendan was happy.

  He also had to pack up his apartment and get it ready to put on the market. One week late in the summer, Katie flew out with him to deal with her own place and the car she’d left sitting in its parking spot since the winter. After one last night in the city that had seen so much of their struggles and triumphs, they drove back through Omaha together and stayed at their old hotel. Brendan was thrilled to replace his memories of their breakup there with newer, happier ones: Katie playing with his fingers as he got them checked in, Katie perched on the windowsill of their room, stretching her legs and looking out at the city with the lights playing across her face; Katie spread out on the sheets, sweaty and panting and perfect while he went down on her again and again; Katie curled up in his arms, both of them naked while they talked long into the night.

  “Are you angry?” Katie asked at one point when Brendan was sure she’d been asleep. He’d been lying there, his head close to hers on their shared pillow, watching the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she breathed, relaxed and at ease.

  Brendan traced a line with his fingertips across her collarbone and grinned to himself when a line of goosebumps broke out across her skin. “What could I possibly have to be angry about?”

  “This is so wonderful. If I hadn’t ....” she left the thought unspoken, but Brendan knew what she meant. “We could have had years like this.”

  “We get years like this,” Brendan said gently but very seriously.

  He pressed his mouth to the soft skin of her shoulder and wished he could burn his love and surety there, like a brand, so Katie would always know she had it. She wore the ring she had finally let him give her; Brendan could see it now on her finger, gleaming faintly in the dark room. But he never felt like it was enough. Katie held his body, his heart, and his entire soul; a ring couldn’t begin to communicate that.

  “But when we were competing ....” Katie said.

  “We were competing. Those years were perfect because I got to spend them with you in the way we were meant to be at the time. I wouldn’t change anything about them for the world.”

  Katie hummed thoughtfully. “Winning was a nice perk, I suppose.”

  “Yeah, I didn’t mind the winning.”

  “I can’t believe,” Katie said, rolling onto her side and tucking her head into what seemed to have become her favorite place, his chest, “We actually get to have it all.”

  THE WEDDING WAS AT Katie’s family’s farm — that had been one of the biggest favors they’d asked of her mother and uncles. Katie’s neighbors were all there along with most of their skating friends. Brendan’s family attended, but were clearly somewhat taken aback by the rambunctious, celebratory mood. They’d always looked down on Katie and her connections as provincial and hick, and Brendan was angry about that but he was also vastly amused to see his parents take in the sight of world-class skaters, male and female alike, dressed impeccably, their hair exquisitely done, traipsing through knee-high grass to get artsy photos of themselves.

  Dr. Meyer officiated the wedding with the same world-weary affection that had marked all her interactions with them. Natalya did double duty and served as an attendant to both him and Katie because Katie ruled, rightly, that none of Brendan’s friends were quite up to the task.

  Katie wore a gauzy sundress that was a riot of whites and yellows and oranges, with antique lace trim that fluttered in the breeze while Dr. Meyer read the vows for them to echo back to each other. Brendan would always remember this moment: The late summer sun low dipping towards the horizon, making Katie’s hair glow golden in its rays; the fields behind her green and amber in the mellow evening light; Katie’s brown eyes fixed on Brendan’s, her trembling hands clutched in his, as they formalized the promise that had always been there between them. We’re okay. We’re together. We’re one.

  Katie had wanted the reception to be potluck, but Brendan’s parents had insisted on paying for a caterer. During the planning that had threatened to reopen the aggressively unspoken tensions between the two families. But now that the day was here, the joy of celebrating a marriage and the massive convenience of having someone else on hand to clean up after the guests had neutralized any simmering tensions. By the time the cake was cut, Brendan’s mother was happily drinking punch with Samantha on the porch.

  After everything they had been through together, Brendan found little more satisfying than he and Katie smashing cake into each other’s faces.

  The eating and drinking and dancing lasted ’til well after dark. The fireflies came out and the night got cool; Brendan draped his suit jacket, that he hadn’t even worn for the ceremony, over Katie’s shoulders as Lena and David proved themselves the undisputed champions of the dance floor. Natalya charmed Katie’s neighbors, and if Brendan wasn’t much mistaken, Justin was hitting it off very well with one of his cousins. No one punched anyone, and Katie didn’t bother to throw her bouquet. She did finally put on boots, though, and led an impromptu tour of the farm so people could visit the cows, Brendan’s jacket still wrapped around her.

  The party was still going when Katie slipped her hand into Brendan’s and led him into the house and upstairs. After the noise and joy of the day, Katie’s dark and quiet room felt like the perfect haven. He was tired, and every muscle hurt. Katie looked as worn out as he felt. Tomorrow, they would celebrate more fully, in private and with just the two of them. For tonight, Brendan was happy to unfasten Katie’s dress for her, pulling the zipper down to reveal her creamy skin, the dimpled knobs of her spine, and the cut muscle of her back and hips. She stepped out of the dress and left it puddled there on the floor while she undid the buttons on Brendan’s shirt and helped him with his pants. They went to bed, naked limbs intertwined, too tired to do anything else and too happy to care.

  THE NEXT DAY, THEY made it up to the cabin in the absolute middle of nowhere on the Minnesota side of the border as the sun was beginning to set. Brendan had wanted to get on the road earlier, but Katie’s family was having feelings at her and his parents wanted to take them to lunch in the city. By the time those obligations were done, they were both restless, weary, and more than ready not to make conversation in the car.

  “I’m sorry this is nothing fancy,” he said when they finally climbed out of his car. Katie’s truck, though it would always hold a very special place in his memory, was needed for the week at the farm.

  “Are you kidding me?” Katie stretched her arms above her head, her shirt riding up and showing a tantalizing sliver of skin above the waist of her jeans. Brendan was definitely ready to make good on the honeymooning they’d been too tired to start last night. “There are no other people and no work to do. I’m sure more than a week of this would make me crazy, but right now it really is perfect.”

  “I still want to do something fancy once —” Brendan started.

  “— we’ve dealt with everything we’re not talking about for the next week, yes.”

  Brendan couldn’t blame her from wanting a break from everything from wedding planning to surgery scheduling. Now he just had to keep to his part of the bargain and not bring any of it up. Katie was not always the best influence in the ways she often chose to live in the moment, but these moments he didn’t want to miss.

  “Come on,” he said. “Let’s get everything ins
ide.”

  No matter how chivalrous Brendan wanted to be, Katie wasn’t having it. She grabbed her own luggage and the groceries they’d picked up on the way. Brendan wanted to protest, but knew better. She let you buy her an engagement ring, he thought, let her carry the damn bags.

  He was relieved, however, when she dropped the groceries on the kitchen counter and hopped up beside them. “I love your rustic cabin brilliance,” she said with a grin, “but I am not doing shit in this kitchen. The unpacking is all you.”

  Brendan laughed. “Thank you for being exactly the sort of wife I expected you to be.”

  “Were you hoping for change?”

  He shook his head and stepped between her legs. He kissed her, her lips sweet and soft against his own. He was still stunned, often, that they could do this now. That he could look at Katie, playful and happy and smiling at him — and want to kiss her — and then actually do it.

  “No,” he said, answering her question. Katie took his hand and twined their fingers together, smiling as she brushed her thumb over the new ring on his left hand. “No,” he said again. “I didn’t expect or want you to change. Honestly, I know everyone talks about marriage being this big deal that turns everything upside down, but I don’t feel like that at all. You, me, us — it’s all what it always was.” And isn’t that the best thing in the world?

  “Is it bad that I don’t feel like that?” Katie asked.

  “No ... but you should tell me more about that.” Brendan was still curious about Katie’s thoughts on marriage. Especially their own. Although hell, he was always going to be curious about Katie’s thoughts on everything.

  “I haven’t changed, but everything around me has,” Katie said pensively. “That’s been a long time coming, and I’m so glad of it.”

  Brendan tilted his head curiously. “Okay, now you definitely need to tell me more.”

  Katie looked past Brendan’s shoulder, gathering her thoughts. “I spent twenty years of my life skating with you and not thinking about the fact that someday that life we had would end. But then it did. And I had my breakdown, which, yeah, you know, ’cause you were there for that. But ... against all odds, I got to keep you? We still have a life together. It’s already really different than what it once was, so I feel different about that.” She met Brendan’s eyes again. “But I’m happy, because I get to keep you. To be clear.”

  “At this point, I wasn’t really worried.” Brendan kissed her again, on the side of her mouth, because why not? “Although, I know you’ll miss competing. And I know I can’t make up for that ....”

  She shushed him and put her fingers to his lips. “No talking. Not about that. You promised. Also, I have spent a lot of time in therapy working on seeing the world as a place where there are still opportunities and challenges open to me. And I fully intend on taking this week to explore some of those.”

  As she brushed her thumb across his lower lip, Brendan was as transfixed by her words as her touch. Katie was so good at taking his breath away.

  “Why do I get the sense you’re about to be full of surprises?” he asked.

  “Because I am,” she said, sliding off the counter and into his arms before moving past him. “Come on,” she said. “Bed.”

  FROM THE MOMENT THEY’D finally gotten together, they hadn’t been able to keep their hands off each other. But time, as always, had been against them. Brendan had spent so many days in Denver wrapping up his life there. When he was in Wisconsin he stayed in Katie’s room, but they both kept farm hours and Katie’s family was always nearby. In the few months since they’d finally gotten their act together they had never had the luxury of privacy or the time to lose whole days in bed. While they managed to have as much sex as they could, Brendan wanted more.

  For eight years their affair that had started in Annecy had burned in Brendan’s memory as some of the best weeks in his life. More relationships than he cared to count had crumbled because nothing could measure up to what it had been like to be with Katie. And while he would always treasure those days with her, what they had now was better. So much better.

  They were eight years older, a little bit wiser, and knew so much more. About themselves, about who they were, about what they saw in each other, and about what they wanted, in bed and out of it. They’d grown up together, and they got to spend the rest of their lives together. Nothing could have felt more natural. Finally, they had time away from the rest of the world to learn together and play together with no obligations to skating or cows or anyone or anything except each other.

  Brendan couldn’t wait.

  Katie led him up the creaky stairs to the loft bedroom with high, sloped ceilings; huge windows looked out into nothing but trees. Through the shimmering late-summer leaves Brendan could see the blue glint of the river. Later, he wanted to investigate that. But right now, he wanted nothing more than the woman in front of him.

  There was no tease as she began to pop open the buttons of her shirt, only her steady gaze and methodical rhythm, like a skating program she had learned in secret and that she would have to save him from fumbling his way through.

  One of the reasons so much sex happened at the Olympics was that everyone there was deeply aware of what their bodies could do and profoundly appreciative of similar achievements in others. Almost a year had passed since Katie was skating seriously, but between two decades of training and her work on the farm, she was in remarkable shape. She was all angles and sculpted planes, every bit of her body evidence of the years of her life spent perfecting her abilities.

  Brendan stumbled slightly as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

  “This is going to be so much easier,” she said as her shirt fell open, revealing the smooth lines of her breasts and stomach. She wasn’t wearing a bra. Brendan swallowed heavily. Katie dropped her hands to her jeans and undid the button there. “If you’d just get undressed now.”

  Brendan laughed. “What? No warm up? No foreplay?”

  Katie stared back at him as she stepped out of her jeans. “Nope,” she said with a laugh. “I spent the entire drive up here thinking about riding this ride.”

  SHE HADN’T BEEN KIDDING.

  In less time than he had thought possible, Brendan was naked and on his back in the king-size bed, desperately trying to thrust up into Katie’s wet heat. Condoms had been all well and fine between them, but right now he was deeply grateful for negative test results and IUDs. But every time he tried to grab Katies thighs or snake an arm around her waist for purchase, she pushed his hands away.

  “Remember how I let you buy me an engagement ring?” she asked, digging her hands into his shoulders. Her fingertips pinched his skin; he hoped she was going to leave marks.

  Brendan could barely remember his own name but made a vague noise of assent anyway. He had no idea how Katie could make words.

  “Then let me do this,” Katie breathed. “Let me have some control.” She leaned down to press an open-mouthed kiss to his clavicle, soothing the scratches her fingers had left. The new angle squeezed the velvet heat of her more tightly around him, and Brendan felt himself get even harder, if that was possible.

  Katie leaned lower, her spine curving gracefully as her breasts pressed against his chest. Her nipples were hard and tight with arousal but then, so were his. Brendan touched her all the time, but he’d never been so grateful for her skin against his.

  Katie made a sound that was half-desperation, half-contentment. “Let me take care of you. I want you to get lost in this.” She circled her hips and dug her fingers into his hair.

  For the entirely of their lives Brendan had been the one who had led and directed their movements on the ice. He struggled to let go and let Katie use his body as she wanted. He knew how to lift his hips, where to touch her clit, how to press the very tips of his fingers along the pale column of her throat to make her eyes go dark and her voice stutter with pleasure. He wanted to do all those things now. They’d both waited so long, and he wanted so badly
to make her feel good.

  “Close your eyes,” Katie ordered with a sharp tug to his hair.

  Brendan obeyed.

  “Good,” she hummed. “Good. Now stop thinking and just feel.”

  Brendan forced his hands to lie still at his side, clutching the cool cotton of the duvet so he wouldn’t grab at Katie’s waist again. He made himself focus on the sound of his breath, and then on hers. Without effort their breathing synced. As it always had on the ice, right before a skate.

  Brendan gave himself over to Katie the way he always given himself over to skating.

  Suddenly, everything was perfect. Exquisite. Katie’s body against his, around his, moving and using him exactly as she wanted to was a revelation. It was if the shared quest that had initially brought them together had given way to the ability to live inside their victory at it forever, happy and delirious.

  BRENDAN STROKED KATIE’S hair absently as she lay with her head on his chest, both of them slowly catching their breath. He couldn’t see her face, but he didn’t need to. He wasn’t inside her anymore, but the barrier between them, if it had ever existed, felt thin.

  “Was that all right?” she asked.

  The question was absurd on the face of it, but Brendan understood why she had asked. “Of course,” he said. “More than. Wonderful.”

  “I just thought —”

  “No,” he said. “Shhhhhh. Let me tell you about it.”

  Katie laughed and snuggled closer. “I was there,” she pointed out.

  “You were. You always are. But ....” He trailed off, searching for words. “You showed me something. About trusting you. About learning all sorts of new ways I can be. I mean, you’ve always done that. But this was, shall we say, a uniquely effective lesson?”

  “Excellent. I hope you’ll want lots of repeats.”